im in an incredibly fucked up mood and this thing is pissing me off. i might appear callous and heartless and if thats the case my response would be that it's most likely true at this point

1. my best friend since i was 14, nick, has problems. he (like myself, and so many other countless people) has had issues with alcohol and drugs all his life. but no matter what he always pulled through. in addition to this he always maintained a smile on his face and was a fucking good friend to me, and everyone else in his life. i was going through our text messages from the past couple months and nearly a third of them are asking if i'm alright, if i need a place to crash, to please just call him and let him know that i'm okay. this being cause im similarly a volatile mess more times than not, and he was always concerned about my well being. the other 2/3 of the texts were about bands and horror movies on netflix that we told eachother we should watch. he showed me all my favorite movies. cult classics to tarantino. old school tarantino. natural born killers (written by, not directed). alright THE POINT...

nicks birthday was a couple months back. long story story short he had invited me to dinner with his family cause his mom and dad have known me forever and we were all gonna go to our favorite sushi place. nick popped some oxycontin right when i swooped him from his friends and as were about to go to dinner he was totally fucking out of it. nodding off, slurring his words, etc, couldnt lock the front door, i had to carry him inside with all my strength cause he was a pretty big dude... he started turning blue.... there was nasty foamy shit all inside his mouth and he was gasping for air.... i called 911 and they instructed me to do chest compressions, i got all the way to 600 by the time they got there. they took him away. he stayed in the hospital for nearly a month with a fucked up pancreas and brain damage. they said if i hadnt kept him alive while they were coming he would have more than likely been dead on the spot.

well that was two months ago. since then ive gone back to college and we've kept in touch. i was excited cause on the phone nick sounded sober, and i could tell, he was doing better. i knew he wasnt drinking. he called me from our town's street fair (its like the main event in the summer once a month) and talked to me for 2 hours outside the bar cause he said it was so weird not being able to drink and being around drunk people. he was doing better. he wanted to go back to school. we've been talking every couple days, and he bought tickets for us to go see myf avorite band at the moment (gogol bordello) in a couple weeks. he was also excited because recently they added return of the living dead to the netflix instant cue. he sent me a text saturday night and it said " do you watch the larry sanders show?" that was the last thing he said to me.

nick died yesterday. his mom called me and told me. they aren't sure why yet, he just wasn't breathing when she found him and they won't know for a few weeks. i'm not dealing with it yet. i guess i'm in shock. i cry but then i can't cry. i'm on copious amounts of xanax already prescribed by my doctor but i'm upping my dosage cause i can't deal with this fucking shit on my own. my best friend is gone. he was the greatest guy i ever met. i knew him ever since i was little and some of my best memories are with him. he was always there for me. he killed on the fucking drums. he was the last real punkrocker i knew.

this is the last picture i took of him


Don't believe them for a moment
For a second, do not believe, my friend
When you are down, them are not coming
With a helping hand
Of course there is no us and them
But them they do not think the same
It's them who do not think
They never step on spiritual path
They paint their faces so differently from ours
And if you listen closely
That war it never stops
Be them new Romans
Don't envy them my friend
Be their lives longer
Their longer lives are spent
Without a love or faithful friend
All those things they have to rent
But we who see our destiny
In sound of this same old punk song
Let rest originality for sake of passing it around
Illuminating realization number one:
You are the only light there is
For yourself my friend
There'll be no saviors any soon coming down
And anyway illuminations
Never come from the crowned
Illuminating realization number one:
You are the only light there is
For yourself my friend