Things that I'll try really hard not to do...
when I'm at Hogwarts!

I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him that they are real animals.
- likewise, I will not tell First Year Muggle-borns that Pokémon battles are a part of the Care of Magical Creatures curriculum.

I will not request "The Cha-Cha Slide" be played at the Yule Ball.
- Calling it "The Casper Slide" does not change anything.
- Likewise for the Chicken Dance, the Limbo, and/or the Macarena.

I am not qualified to perform exorcisms on Hogwarts ghosts, and attempting to do so will only offend them.

Telling Draco Malfoy to "make like a ferret and bounce" is always a bad idea.

I should not re-shelve Hogwarts: A History under 'Fiction.'
- Especially if it is to make Hermione Granger have panic attacks.

Fleur Delacour is not Barbie, and should not be referred to as such.

I will not trick Professor Trelawney into calling Miss Cleo.

I will not hand out the orange halves of Skiving Snackboxes to First Years as welcome gifts.
- Not even if I offer to sell them the purple antidote half afterwards.

"You might be a Pureblood if..." jokes will get me in trouble, especially in front of Slytherins.

I am not authorized to form an elite squad of prefects with authority over professors.

I will not hang a tempting piñata from the Whomping Willow.

I will not leave my Potions Class project in the Slytherin Common Room in a bottle marked "absinthe."

Even though Professor Lupin does get "that time of the month", it is inappropriate to point it out.

Invisibility cloaks should not be used to act out Clay Aiken songs.

Adding "-us" to the end of a word does not make it a spell.

The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.

I will not give catnip to Mrs. Norris. No matter how funny the outcome is.

During Divinations classes, I will refrain if at all possible from speaking in tongues.

Bringing fortune cookies to Diviniation class does not count for extra credit.

If a classmate is jingling the change in his pockets, I will not laugh at him for "playing with his Knuts."

I will not yell “to infinity, and BEYOND!” every time I take off on my broom.

No spitting in the Pensive.

Wingardium Leviosa is not appropriate on females' skirts.

I will not ask Firenze if he can get me Mr. Ed's autograph.

I will not teach the Veela the lyrics to "Oops, I Did It Again" even if they ask nicely.

Sending love notes to Professor Snape and signing them 'With Love, Draco Malfoy' is not appropriate.

I will not tell first years that Hagrid will eat them if they get too close to his hut.

Seamus Finnegan is not 'after me lucky charms.'

Speaking like Yoda, does not a happy Professor make.
- Funny, it is not.

I will not start a food fight in the Great Hall.

I will not attempt to graft a transplant from the Whomping Willow onto the Hogwarts Christmas Tree in Herbology class.

Astronomy class is not an appropriate venue to contact aliens.

I will not tell the Fat Lady to go on Weight Watchers.
- Or any other diet.

I must never sing "Bad Moon Rising" around Professor Lupin.
- Or "Moondance."
- And definitely not "Werewolves of London."

Bippidy Boppity Boo is not a spell.

I will not replace the picture on Sirius Black's wanted poster with any teacher I don't like.

Getting everyone in the Great Hall to do "The Time Warp" will not earn me house points.

Putting fake spiders around Ron Weasley's bed is not funny.

Shouting 'Crucio' at students while brandishing a quill/pencil isn't remotely funny.

Sir Cadogan is not one of the knights who say "NI."

Making a Polyjuice Potion and going up to the person I've turned into to make them go crazy/act like a walking mirror is not funny.

I will not spike the Hogwarts supply of pumpkin juice.

Murmuring “I see dead people… ” every time I see one of the ghosts is not funny.

Asking Lupin if he is “hungry like the wolf” does not make him laugh.
- Neither does asking Sirius “waz up, dawg?”

I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

If I become an animagus, I am not allowed to yell “MORPHIN’ TIME!” every time I change.
- I cannot do this whenever anyone else changes either.

I will not have a Quidditch match in the Great Hall.

There is no such thing as an Invisibility thong.

I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.

No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology."

The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful."

I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore."

House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

I will not lick Trevor.

Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.

If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

"I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine."

I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty."

I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.