SuicideGirl: Cake
suicidegirl

Cake it's the sea urchin in me.

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NOVEMBER 3, 2007 @ 10:51 AM | 15 COMMENTS


I think it's time for a change.
OCTOBER 23, 2007 @ 09:50 PM | 3 COMMENTS


zoom image

This is where I will be saturday.
If you do not live in the Los Angeles area, here is a list of protests happening around the world on the 27th:

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

Seattle 12 Noon @ Judkins Park
San Francisco 11am @ the Civic Center
Los Angeles 12 Noon @ Olympic & Broadway
Chicago 1:30pm @ Union Park
New Orleans 2pm @ Washington Square
Salt Lake City 11am @ the Utah State Capitol
New York 12 noon @ Union Square
Ft. Lauderdale, FL 12:45pm @ Welcome Park
Orlando, FL 12:30pm @ Lake Eola Park
Chatanooga, TN 12 Noon @ Coolidge Park
Boston 12 Noon @ Boston Common
Rome, Italy 5:30pm @ Piazza Navona
Toronto, ON 1pm @ US Consulate
London, England 2pm @ Parliament Square
København, Denmark 13:00c@ Århus, Odense
Arnhem, Netherlands 12:00 @ Velperplein
Calgary, AB 12pm @ Hays Federal Building
Courtenay, BC 12pm @ Courtenay Courthouse
Grand Forks, BC 2pm @ Selkirk College
Hamilton, ON 1pm @ City Hall
Kelowna, BC 12pm @ Capri Hotel
Montreal, QC 13h @ Square Dorchester
Ottawa, ON 1pm @ Spider Sculpture
Vancouver, BC 12pm @Waterfront Station
Detroit, MI 11pm @ Zussman Playground
Denver, CO 12 Noon @ Veterans Park
Kansas 12 Noon @Peace Center
Monterey, CA 1pm @ Del Monte Ave
Tucson, AZ 11am @ UofArizona

OCTOBER 5, 2007 @ 01:33 AM | 14 COMMENTS


With autumn comes a perpetual feeling of nostalgia.

Strangely this helps:
Get Flash player

SEPTEMBER 18, 2007 @ 01:08 AM | 18 COMMENTS


15 short-term goals for myself:


    1. read more.

    (learn more.)

    2. get my 35mm fixed.

    (start taking pictures again.)

    3. start cooking.

    (real cooking, making a salad doesn't count anymore, lazy.)

    4. learn to play the drums.

    (I wanna make some noise.)

    5. fight for what I believe.

    (speak out more.)

    6. improve garden.

    (tomatoes, basil and zucchini just aren't enough.)

    7. listen to my inner child.

    (she's usually right.)

    8. write letters.

    (in general, but specifically to someone I love.)

    9. buy a new sewing machine.

    (start making clothes again.)

    10. make more love.

    (love transforms the world.)

    11. brush up on my spanish.

    (stop forgetting.)

    12. travel.

    (see new things, expand world view.)

    13. expand vocabulary.

    (intelligence is key.)

    14. worry less.

    (live now.)

    And...
    15.
    stop procrastinating.


SEPTEMBER 9, 2007 @ 04:47 PM | 8 COMMENTS


The heat and the earthquakes have subsided for now. Here's hoping it stays that way.

I am happy because I got paid today. In cash. Even better, good ol' Uncle Sam don't know about it. I <3 my new job. It's close enough to my house to bike to, so I've been riding my bike everyday. I feel healthy and happy.

Even so, recently I've been going through somewhat of an existential crisis. This may sound weird but my biggest fear in life is going with the flow. Recently I've become worried that I am starting to blend in with the rest of society. In ways I feel like I am doing exactly what the world wants me to do. I go to work, I go to school, I drive a car, I pay taxes, I am a consumer, etc. Don't get me wrong I feel like I am a lot better than 99% of Americans, I work two jobs, one for a non-profit organization for low income children and my other is at a late night cafe where I am paid under the table, I go to city college, I driver a volvo that get excellent mileage, I still pay my taxes ( whatever ), I try my hardest to support local merchants/farmers and stay away from major corporations as much as possible, etc. But still I don't feel like this is enough for me. I don't just not want to go with the flow, I want to go upstream. I want to get out there. I want to sell all my material possessions (except for you, MacBook, I love you) and buy an old truck and hit the road. I want to sleep under the stars and eat food from the land. I don't want to depend on anyone or anything, just me, all me (and maybe some friends). And when I'm ready to settle down, I want to buy an old house on the Mississippi river to restore and start a garden. I continue to tell myself that I will be able to have all these things eventually, mostly after I finish school (which won't be for years, goddamn you M.A.!) but really I want it now. Why shouldn't I be able to have it now? Money. I feel the weight of it on my shoulders. It's always about money. . . Honestly, I'm just afraid that I'm going to wake up in twenty years and I'll be married, with two snotty faced kids, living in the suburbs and driving a fucking mini-van. Where will my dreams be then? You see it every fucking day, I feel like it is a legitimate fear. Right?

I am reading this text right now called Days Of War, Nights Of Love and it is all about how you spend your time living. One chapter was dedicated to death and whether or not if you died, tomorrow or in a week or a month, whether you would be happy with your life. How many of us can honestly say yes? It just made me think. Am I living my life to the fullest extent? I try, really, I do but I think I could do better and basically that's what this is all about.

Fucking sigh.

On a million times lighten note, I am in the new SG magazine. Look at me, gracing the pages of nudie magazines. I have not seen my page yet, so lemme know, darlings.

I'm done typing. I think. Yeah, I am.
SEPTEMBER 6, 2007 @ 10:29 AM | 4 COMMENTS


In the modern world, control is exerted over us automatically by the spaces we live and move in. We go through certain rituals in our lives, work, "leisure," consumption, submission, because the world we live in is designed for these alone. We all know malls are for shopping, offices are for working, ironically-named "living" rooms are for watching television, and schools are for obeying teachers. All the spaces we travel in have pre-set meanings, and all it takes to keep us going through the same motions is to keep us moving along the same paths. It's hard to find anything to do in Walmart but look at and purchase merchandise; and, accustomed to doing this as we are, it's hard to conceive that there could be anything else we could do there anyway, not to mention that doing anything but shopping there is pretty much illegal, when you think about it. There are fewer and fewer free, undeveloped spaces left in the world where we can let our bodies and minds run free. Almost every place you can go belongs to some person or group which has already designated a meaning and proscribed use for it: private estate, shopping district, superhighway, classroom, national park. And our very predictable routes through the world rarely take us near the free areas that do remain. These spaces, where thought and pleasure can be free in every sense, are being replaced with carefully controlled environments like Disneyland, places in which our desires are prefabricated and sold back to us at our financial and emotional expense. Giving our own meaning to the world and creating our own ways to play and act in it are fundamental parts of human life; today, when we are never in spaces that encourage this, it should be no surprise that so many of us feel desperate and unfulfilled. But because the world has so little free space left in it, and the circuitry of our everyday lives never takes us there, we're forced to go to places like Disneyland for any semblance of play and excitement at all. Thus the real adventure our hearts crave has been largely replaced by fake adventure, and the thrill of creation by the drill of spectatorship.

Our time is as thoroughly occupied and regulated as our space; indeed, the subdivision of our space is a manifestation of what has already happened to our time. The entire world moves and lives according to a standardized time system, designed to synchronize our movements from one side of the planet to the other. Inside of this larger system, we all have our lives regimented by our work schedules and/or school hours, as well as the hours that public transportation runs and businesses operate, etc. This scheduling of our lives, which begins in childhood, exerts a subtle but deep control over us all: we come to forget that the time of our lives is ultimately ours to spend how we choose, and instead think in terms of work days, lunch hours, and weekends. A truly spontaneous life is unthinkable to most of us; and so-called "free" time is usually just time that has been scheduled for something other than work. How often do you get to see the sun rise? How many sunny afternoon walks do you get to take? If you had the unexpected opportunity to take an exciting trip this week, could you do it?

These restricting environments and schedules drastically limit the vast potential of our lives. They also keep us isolated from each other. At our jobs, we spend a great deal of time doing one particular kind of labor with one particular group of people, in one set place (or at least in one set environment, for construction workers and "temp" employees). Such limited, repetitive experience gives us a very limited perspective on the world, and keeps us from coming to know people from other backgrounds. Our homes isolate us further: today we keep ourselves locked apart in little boxes, partly out of fear of those capitalism has treated even worse than ourselves, and partly because we believe the paranoia propaganda of the companies that sell security systems. Today's suburbs are cemeteries of community, the people packed separately into boxes... just like our supermarket products, sealed for "freshness." With thick walls between us and our neighbors, and our friends and families scattered across cities and nations, it's hard to have any kind of community at all, let alone share community space in which people can benefit from each other's creativity. And both our homes and our jobs keep us tied down to one place, stationary, unable to travel far through the world except on hasty vacations.

Even our travel is restricted and restricting. Our modern methods of transportation, cars, buses, subways, trains, airplanes, all keep us locked onto fixed tracks, watching the outside world go by through a screen, as if it were a particularly boring television show. Each of us lives in a personal world that consists mostly of well-known destinations (the workplace, the grocery store, a friend's apartment, the dance club) with a few links in between them (sitting in the car, standing in the subway, walking up the staircase), and little chance to encounter anything unexpected or discover any new places. A man could travel the freeways of ten nations without seeing anything but asphalt and gas stations, so long as he stayed in his car. Locked onto our tracks, we can't imagine truly free travel, voyages of discovery that would bring us into direct contact with brand new people and things at every turn.

Instead, we sit in traffic jams, surrounded by hundreds of people in the same predicament as ourselves, but separated from them by the steel cages of our cars, so they appear to us as objects in our way rather than fellow human beings. We think we are reaching more of the world with our modern transportation; but in fact we see less of it, if anything. As our transportation capabilities increase, our cities sprawl farther and farther across the landscape. Whenever travel distances increase, more cars are needed; more cars demand more space, and thus distances increase again... and again. At this rate highways and gas stations will one day replace everything that was worth traveling to in the first place.

A curious effect of the development of rapid transit systems is that as the distance between communities closes, the distance between individuals within those communities widens.

Some of us look at the internet as the "final frontier," as a free, undeveloped space still ripe for exploring. Cyberspace may or may not offer some degree of freedom to those who can afford to use and explore it; but whatever it might offer, it offers on the condition that we check our bodies at the door: voluntary amputation. Remember, you are a body at least as much as a mind: is it freedom to sit, stationary, staring at glowing lights for hours, without using your senses of taste, touch, or smell? Have you forgotten the sensations of wet grass or warm sand under bare feet, of eucalyptus tree or hickory smoke in your nostrils? Do you remember the scent of tomato stems? The glint of candlelight, the thrill of running, swimming, touching?

Today we can turn to the internet for excitement without feeling like we have been cheated because our modern lives are so constrained and predictable that we have forgotten how joyous action and motion in the real world can be. Why settle for the very limited freedom that cyberspace can provide, when there is so much more experience and sensation to be had out here in the real world? We should be running, dancing, canoeing, drinking life to the dregs, exploring new worlds, what new worlds? We must rediscover our bodies, our senses, the space around us, and then we can transform this space into a new world to which we can impart meanings of our own.

To this end, we need to invent new games, games that can take place in the conquered spaces of this world, in the shopping malls and restaurants and classrooms, that will break down their proscribed meanings so that we can give them new meanings in our accordance with our own dreams and desires. We need games that will bring us together, out of the confinement and isolation of our private homes, and into public spaces where we can benefit from each other's company and creativity. Just as natural disasters and power outages can bring people together and be exciting for them (after all, they do make for a little thrilling variety in an otherwise drearily predictable world), our games will join us together in doing new and exciting things. We will have poetry in the factories, concerts in the streets, sex in the fields and libraries, free picnics in supermarkets, public fairs on freeways.

We need to invent new conceptions of time and new modes of travel, as well. Try living without a clock, without synchronizing your life with the rest of the busy, busy world. Try taking a long trip on foot or bicycle, so that you will encounter everything that you pass between your starting point and your destination firsthand, without a screen. Try exploring in your own neighborhood, looking on rooftops and around corners you never noticed before, you'll be amazed how much adventure is hidden there waiting for you.

AlieNation: The Map of Despair
Space/Time Control, Space Travel, and Space Exploration.

AUGUST 14, 2007 @ 05:37 PM | 24 COMMENTS


San Francisco was beautiful. Some highlights of my trip included:

    first tuesday of the month at the MOMA.
    sitting in delores park, smoking, drinking and eating pancho villa.
    riding the bus (I secretly love public transport).
    wearing long underwear.
    tom jones sing-a-longs.
    being bedridden with my dear friend and forced to eat soup and watch movies all day.
    and:
    zoom image.



I am happy to be home though. Home is a funny thing. I just spent the last two weeks in a city I spent the majority of my life in but yet I can't really call it home anymore. After only a few years I find myself calling here home. Someone once told me that it takes fives years to properly claim you're "from" somewhere. I wonder if this applies to calling somewhere home. I'm curious to see what others think; at what point can you call somewhere home? And why?

It's officially my last week of summer. I am still a little sick but I'm going to make sure this week counts. I have sunset junction lined up for sunday (buzzcocks, fuck yeah), tonight I am going to go watch my friend play soccer in the park (I have a weakness for guys + soccer) and tomorrow a possible evening outing with my dear Napalm. Here's hoping for more to come.

I have recently become a pinkberry addict. Don't tell anyone, for it shames me, but how can I resist? I curse the day that vice_vice_baby introduced to me the world's 8th sin; pinkberry. It's . . . just . . . so . . good . . . my point being, I am leaving now because girl needs her fix. Cheers.

AUGUST 1, 2007 @ 02:16 PM | 26 COMMENTS


So sunday evening I dropped a handle of tequila on my foot



I was, of course, barefoot and one thing led to the next and I spent most of monday in the hospital. They had to operate on my foot to extract the large shards of glass from the cuts on my heel. I'm fine now, but I'm on crutches. Me and crutches are not friends, I look absolutely ridiculous and I can't maneuver for shit. I tried to ride my bike last night, I ended up eating shit several times and managed to hurt myself some more (me + sake bombs + broken foot + bike = bad news).
Lucky me my new macbook arrived in the mail yesterday so I have something distract me from wondering whether I learned a lesson or not.


JULY 23, 2007 @ 12:20 PM | 10 COMMENTS


zoom image
(a memento from last saturday's demon hunting in Griffith Park with Bee.)



Today, I mixed up the tylenol pm with the other stuff. Oops, goodnight.
JULY 13, 2007 @ 09:19 AM | 16 COMMENTS


Yesterday a personal friend of mine, Acrid, was archived. This makes me extremely sad. frown
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