The heat and the earthquakes have subsided for now. Here's hoping it stays that way.

I am happy because I got paid today. In cash. Even better, good ol' Uncle Sam don't know about it. I <3 my new job. It's close enough to my house to bike to, so I've been riding my bike everyday. I feel healthy and happy.

Even so, recently I've been going through somewhat of an existential crisis. This may sound weird but my biggest fear in life is going with the flow. Recently I've become worried that I am starting to blend in with the rest of society. In ways I feel like I am doing exactly what the world wants me to do. I go to work, I go to school, I drive a car, I pay taxes, I am a consumer, etc. Don't get me wrong I feel like I am a lot better than 99% of Americans, I work two jobs, one for a non-profit organization for low income children and my other is at a late night cafe where I am paid under the table, I go to city college, I driver a volvo that get excellent mileage, I still pay my taxes ( ), I try my hardest to support local merchants/farmers and stay away from major corporations as much as possible, etc. But still I don't feel like this is enough for me. I don't just not want to go with the flow, I want to go upstream. I want to get out there. I want to sell all my material possessions (except for you, MacBook, I love you) and buy an old truck and hit the road. I want to sleep under the stars and eat food from the land. I don't want to depend on anyone or anything, just me, all me (and maybe some friends). And when I'm ready to settle down, I want to buy an old house on the Mississippi river to restore and start a garden. I continue to tell myself that I will be able to have all these things eventually, mostly after I finish school (which won't be for years, goddamn you M.A.!) but really I want it now. Why shouldn't I be able to have it now? Money. I feel the weight of it on my shoulders. It's always about money. . . Honestly, I'm just afraid that I'm going to wake up in twenty years and I'll be married, with two snotty faced kids, living in the suburbs and driving a fucking mini-van. Where will my dreams be then? You see it every fucking day, I feel like it is a legitimate fear. Right?

I am reading this text right now called Days Of War, Nights Of Love and it is all about how you spend your time living. One chapter was dedicated to death and whether or not if you died, tomorrow or in a week or a month, whether you would be happy with your life. How many of us can honestly say yes? It just made me think. Am I living my life to the fullest extent? I try, really, I do but I think I could do better and basically that's what this is all about.

Fucking sigh.

On a million times lighten note, I am in the new SG magazine. Look at me, gracing the pages of nudie magazines. I have not seen my page yet, so lemme know, darlings.

I'm done typing. I think. Yeah, I am.