SuicideGirl: Caia
suicidegirl

Caia show me the love

I’m private
 
MARCH 1, 2013 @ 07:36 AM


You don't know much about my life, mostly because I don't want to be criticised or judged. Of course I'm already judged by the little you know and that's fine, I created a shell hard enough for that. But now I feel like I'll never get anywhere if I keep hiding myself with fear of criticism and failure.
I've suffered tremendously because I never really knew what I wanted till very late in life and because I'm so afraid of being put down and mistreated like before.
I suffer from depression and my self esteem regarding my soul and purpose in life is deeply low and hiding from the situation has obviously not improved it.
I wish now I could go back and be stronger and endure the society's (teachers, work colleagues and superiors) criticism to my options of clothing and now tattoos, that literally made teachers hate me in uni and made me be fired with no right to benefits or deserved money for the 4 years of hard work I gave them. I'm a very bright person, which actually always went against me, and I'm very perfectionist and hard worker, so why would people be so mean to me and put me down for my private choices if they don't change at all the working bright person I am.
I really need a break, I need to be able to find a job where I can finally develop my areas of expertise, where I can develop a future and be recognised by my efforts, even if the pay is ridiculously low to start. I've no money anyways, anything will be better than nothing.
Unfortunately I live in a very close minded society, with to many lobbies and to little job offers, specially for someone my age with no experience and no finished degree, and unfortunately no one will be convinced by my amazing life experience and diversity of areas of expertise.
If you are asking yourselves what do I want? Anything in arts would be awesome since its my main area of interest and also of expertise since I almost finished the degree of architecture and have also a technical course of fashion design and fashion communication (which I proudly did in CSM the best fashion school in the world). My biggest dream would be to be a writer, but not having any degree in literature or communication means I'm screwed and will never get a job in that area, will never be able to write professionally unless I do it on my own with no income to support it (which I'll have to grow confident enough to do one day) unless I'm able to find at least some part time job to support my dreams, hopefully one in which I don't have to change my hair color and hide my piercings and tattoos.
I really need some opportunity to show what I really can do and to prove to others and myself that I can do it and better than most.
If anyone is out there that can help me, with good vibes, good intentions and a chance of better experiences even if small please send them my way, please I really need to feel that choosing to be me and individual will not outcast me forever from this money driven pseudo society, where no dreams can come true unless you are lucky enough to have the dream to work in a corporate environment were you'll work till you die and live for the few vacations days you've. (I'm not anyway criticising who has that dream or is able to feel happy with that, I just don't think that's for me).
And that's it, you know me a bit better now and you're free to judge me all you want.

If by any chance you can and want to cheer me up a bit, here's my wishlist.
I never ever received anything from it frown

Don't be discouraged with the first items, I do have expensive tastes (for things I can't afford to buy), because in the midst of it all there's things from $7 too smile

Have a wonderful weekend smile

P. S. : I don't know much how the wishlist works but in case you need my address just ask pvt here.

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Afternoon Break by ante, on the 30th of March in MR.

LOVE YOU ALL kisskisskiss

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Comments
suispud1

suispud1

Dallas, TX
January 2010

MAR 01, 2013 07:53 AM

Hang in there, babe, cos you're awesome.smile

Remember,
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You can do, or be, anything you want. love

Saiylor

Saiylor

SUICIDEGIRL

United Kingdom

MAR 01, 2013 07:53 AM

Oooo cheer up pretty lady!! Hugs to you! kisskiss

Exning

Exning

SUICIDEGIRL

California, USA

MAR 01, 2013 08:03 AM

You should try freelance work, ask some of the ladies here that write, maybe check the groups? You can always do something with the Internet, like a blog, it doesn't matter what you look like then smile

Trauma

Trauma

Downey, CA
April 2005

MAR 01, 2013 08:07 AM

kisskisskisskisskisskisskiss

minimalism

minimalism

Argentina
OLD SKOOL

MAR 01, 2013 08:09 AM

I sent a response about this to your Caia SG page on FB, don't know if you saw it yet or not, but I hope the advice I offered helps somehow. You're a great person with a huge heart and you deserve the best.

Munchies187

Munchies187

Japan
November 2004

MAR 01, 2013 08:15 AM

Sounds to me like you need a change of scenery my dear. With your love of body art, you should consider working in a tattoo shop? No matter what I hope you find your way, keep your eyes open, opportunities will show themselves.smile

TheMainMan

TheMainMan

United Kingdom
December 2012

MAR 01, 2013 08:15 AM

Thanks for sharing this, it takes a lot of strength of character to share such an intimate tale of your life, hopes and fears.
Have no fear, you will never get any judgement or criticism from me, all I ever offer is friendship and support.
I've always got a friendly ear available whenever you need, so feel free to offload anytime. smile
Sounds like you've had a very tough life in a society where it's not ok to be yourself. This is a common problem for most of us, we all have to hide some part of ourselves to feel accepted in this society and frankly I think that's a sin.
I can strongly sympathise, I'm being punished for my decisions in my early life by being stuck in a dead end job, but that may not be for much longer as we may go out of business later this year if trade doesn't pick up. I've had to take up studying part time for a degree in the hope of being able to find a better job, but knowing my luck, my age will be against me.
You mentioned that you nearly finished your degree in architecture, is there no way you could go back to university and finish it?
I sincerely hope you are able to realise your dream of being a writer. I didn't realise you needed a degree to pursue a career as a writer, I thought it was largely down to natural ability of storytelling. I don't really know much about writing, but I was under the impression that a lot of writers started off by themselves before trying to find a publisher. I'm more than likely showing my age now and am embarassing myself with my lack of knowledge on the subject, so I'll stop there.

Hope things work out for you, as I said earlier, don't be shy to hit me up for a chat whenever you need to offload. I'll always offer support and advice wherever I can.
As for your wishlist, I'm sorry but I can't afford to help you there this close to payday. I've barely got enough to last until payday, which is Tuesday thankfully.
I look forward to seeing your forthcoming set, take care and hope you have a good weekend. kiss

Safira

Safira

SUICIDEGIRL

Portugal

MAR 01, 2013 08:22 AM

Como eu te percebo.. Tenho inveja das moças lindas todas coloridas do cabelo aos pes a trabalhar... Ai ainda se ve algumas... Aqui, bem aqui sou ainda mais outcast lol ja aprendi que se quero sair daqui tenho de ter uma aparencia "normal" mas depoisde sair, the world is mine!

Safira

Safira

SUICIDEGIRL

Portugal

MAR 01, 2013 08:24 AM

Mas o que eu queria dizer com isso e que as vezes temos de dar o braco a torcer porque a sociedade em que vivemos tao depressa nao muda :/

elfrockstar

elfrockstar

USA
February 2009

MAR 01, 2013 08:30 AM

we all love you here. dont worry about peoples judgement...they arent worth it. you be who you are and fucking rock it! smile

sellcal

sellcal

Tucson, AZ
July 2012

MAR 01, 2013 08:45 AM

I used to be the same way ma, but I learned to love myself. Most importantly, all of myself. When I did that, nothing out side of me can hurt me anymore. Its ok what people think about you. As long as you love you for who you are, they can't have any power over you. Accept who you are whole heartedly and be happy with who you are. You are the only one who can judge yourself anyway. Anyone who points fingers at you have their own issues to deal with. Its not your fault if someone dislikes you. That just means that they haven't learned to accept whatever it is inside of themselves yet to enjoy who you are. Celebrate your existence everyday, every moment and always keep your heart feeling happy. You write your own life. The ones who are judgemental don't understand that they have their own pen in their hand. Never allow anyone to take your pen out of your hand to write you're story here because its only gonna benefit them. Love who you are because you are perfect in the creators eyes and that is you.

Arroia

Arroia

SUICIDEGIRL

South Africa

MAR 01, 2013 10:25 AM

I know what you mean, though I never had it as bad as you. You must give yourself some credit, because despite all the pressure and disappointments, you haven't given up on your dreams. And that says a lot about you...Keep that pretty head up, your time will come. *hugs*

mente316

mente316

Ireland
November 2012

MAR 01, 2013 10:43 AM

Um conselho: sai de Portugal o mais depressa possível. Se não te dão valor, o problema pode não ser teu, mas de quem não sabe reconhecê-lo.

Villalon

Villalon

Anadarko, OK
January 2012

MAR 01, 2013 10:54 AM

Youre one amazing woman ! Keep your head up kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss love kiss blush

SweetP

SweetP

HOPEFUL

Colombia

MAR 01, 2013 11:54 AM

“❤♥❤” Beautiful

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