PICS
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
random facts. about the brixton.
1. i dont really have any set roots. i've lived all over the country...first, it was because my mom was moving everywhere trying to find somewhere that felt like home. as a result, i went to 4 different high schools in 4 years. and i still havent found anywhere where im liable to stick it out. so as a result, ive become somewhat of a gypsy.
2. being in guam is somewhat therapeutic for me. im forcing myself to stay here till early 2011, so that will be four years in one place. i know that this isn't where i want to end up at all, but this is wheremy love is, so i thnk thats worth sticking it out for. that and it will teach me to plant my roots down somewhere, and thats an experience i think i need.
3. i'm a diehard romantic. i spent my childhood learning from my mother's failed relationships, and so now i think i have a pretty good head on my shoulders for my age. i may not have much figured out in my life yet, but i know that i am a good grilfriend/woman to love. i believe that love can and will eclipse all other things that would beat it down, if it's true.
4. i look at the clock at 7:11pm almost every day. dont ask me why, but its been getting more and more frequent. which oddly, figures into a 711 motif throughout my entire life. first boyfriend i ever fell in love with? lived at 711 manheim. birthday? july 11th. il got on guam in '07 and will be leaving in '11, because thats when adam gets out of the navy. it figures in in other weirder ways, but you wouldnt believe me if i told you. anyway, whenever it pops up again, i usually take it as a good sign in my life.
5. i have five half sisters. i haven't talked to any of them in almost 4 years. my dads daughters i never really grew up with; besides, my dad is hard to get in touch with. my twin sisters live with my ex-stepfather, and i havent seen them in almost 10 years. he wants nothing to do with "his ex wifes illegitimate child." and cameron is with my mom, and my mom and i dont get along. she thinks i would only be a bad influence on my sister. despite all this, i love all of them tremendously and would jump in front of a bus for any one of them. the most important thing is family, even if it's disjointed and scattered all over the country.
6. i am happiest living by the ocean. cold ocean. if any of you ever go home to california with me, you'll see. even smelling salt air calms down any anxiety i have whatsoever.
7. i am in my third important relationship. the first one was everythign i could want in a high school sweetheart scenario, and he is still an important person in my life, even if we dont talk much due to distance. the second one was more of a learning experience. what was the lesson? you cant cure someone elses inner demons if they dont want to let you in. it took 3 years to learn that one, but i wouldnt take back a single day of it.
8. i've always wanted to just pack a bag and travel. india, the middle east, eastern europe. anywhere, everywhere. except france. i have no desire to go to france.
9. i have seriously considered moving to canada. i got as far as visiting the consulate, and filling out applications for visas.
10. i'm not a particularly religious person, but i am spiritual. i believe in the power of nature, in karma, and in general energy. you only get back what you put out. so if im having a shit time of it, i believe i have no one to blame but myself and go about trying to remedy the situation.
11. i really dont know what i want to do with my life. i went to college for english/creative writing, but i dont think i want to do anything with that . at this point in my life im thinking maybe culinary school? i'd love to be a pastry chef. or own a bakery. whatever i do, i would like to own my own business someday. with a store cat. the cat is very important.
12. i love all kinds of music, butmy favorite genres would have to be punk, doo wop, rockabilly, old metal, and late 80's alt rock ala R.E.M.
13. boarding school was one of the funnest times i can remember when i was a wee'un. it may not have beena prefect experience, but hell, what is? i appreciated it more than anything.
14. when i move back to the states these are my top cities i want to live in, in no paticular order. boston, chicago, roanoke, portland, denver, santa cruz. who knows where ill end up?
15. i would seriously let someone amputate my left hand if i could have an amazing singing voice. ive always wanted one, and well......thse of you that went to bishop seabury remember the fiasco that was me and haley and leni singing that stupid song from grease for the talent show. i however, try and forget it.
16. i say goodnight to my grandfather every night before i go to sleep. he died when i was 5, and even if its just drunkenly and in my head, i always say goodnight to him. he was the best person i've ever known.
17. i think im going to start modeling again. before i came out here, it was starting to pick up for me. i think i could make it happen out here as well. just takes a little bit more elbow grease.
18. if i could have a lot of any domesticated animals, it would be a tie between a stable full of horses and a huge herd of maine coon cats. those things look like mini tigers, im telling you. mini tigers! i think i have a better chance at the cats, though. adam is terrified of horses.
19. my perfect night includes a home cooked meal, bike rides at sunset, good music good wine and good friends. a soft bed and someone to share it with.
20. i try and buy organic whenever humanly possible.
21. i'm happiest at home. i have weird social anxiety sometimes, so if im on home turf it calms me down. i used to self medicate with the green stuff back home, but its too expensive out here. hence, we have lots of board game parties and stuff over here. we even bought a badminton set a couple days ago! cant wait to try that out.
22. i miss the midwest. to me, the plains are almost as peaceful as the ocean. almost. but not quite.
23. whenever im hurt or panicked, i focus on one thing that i can see thats not man made and think, "no matter what happens, if i just sit by this, it wont change. it'll be here in 10 years and feasibly i could spend the next ten years getting to know this tree/rock/bush." and it calms me down.
24. one thing ive always known is that im going to make an amazing mom. i cant wait to have kids one day.
25. im a little neurotic, a little crazy, a little bit of a recluse, but all in all--i love what ive experienced so far. and i cant wait for the rest of my life. i think being old is going to be one of the most rewarding experiences ever, and i only hope that by then i will have amassed a family to share my life with.
26. im a fairly good judge of character. i give everyone a chance, albeit with hestitation. if i dont warm up to someone, they usually end up being the kind of person you dont want around you.
27. i miss kansas city horribly. truly is home, no matter where my travels take me. i cant wait to come home and get a little messy at buzzard, grab a slice from joe's, and then stumble home.
28.. on the topic of things i miss....winter! living in guam seems like the endless spring break. drunk sailors (sounds fun, isnt after a while), crazy japanese tourists...give me a damn book and a fireplace with snow outside anyday.
29. i've started a vintage coat collection. funny place to start one, guam. but the salvation army has great vintage stuff once in a while, and there are cool winter coats aplenty. thanks guam grandmothers.
30. my lifelong ambition is to open my own bakery. complete with store cat.
31. my favorite snack in the world right now is tiramisu with some mint tea. delicious.
32. my dog's name is pancho burrito. he's three quarters chihuahua, and one quarter jack russell terrier. which essentially makes him a super chihuahua with crazy jumping powers, and little to no bark. he is the most personality filled little dude you will ever meet.
33. the ocean will forever and always be my one unrequited love.
34. there is nothing better than riding a bike on a spring day.
and....bed.
1. i dont really have any set roots. i've lived all over the country...first, it was because my mom was moving everywhere trying to find somewhere that felt like home. as a result, i went to 4 different high schools in 4 years. and i still havent found anywhere where im liable to stick it out. so as a result, ive become somewhat of a gypsy.
2. being in guam is somewhat therapeutic for me. im forcing myself to stay here till early 2011, so that will be four years in one place. i know that this isn't where i want to end up at all, but this is wheremy love is, so i thnk thats worth sticking it out for. that and it will teach me to plant my roots down somewhere, and thats an experience i think i need.
3. i'm a diehard romantic. i spent my childhood learning from my mother's failed relationships, and so now i think i have a pretty good head on my shoulders for my age. i may not have much figured out in my life yet, but i know that i am a good grilfriend/woman to love. i believe that love can and will eclipse all other things that would beat it down, if it's true.
4. i look at the clock at 7:11pm almost every day. dont ask me why, but its been getting more and more frequent. which oddly, figures into a 711 motif throughout my entire life. first boyfriend i ever fell in love with? lived at 711 manheim. birthday? july 11th. il got on guam in '07 and will be leaving in '11, because thats when adam gets out of the navy. it figures in in other weirder ways, but you wouldnt believe me if i told you. anyway, whenever it pops up again, i usually take it as a good sign in my life.
5. i have five half sisters. i haven't talked to any of them in almost 4 years. my dads daughters i never really grew up with; besides, my dad is hard to get in touch with. my twin sisters live with my ex-stepfather, and i havent seen them in almost 10 years. he wants nothing to do with "his ex wifes illegitimate child." and cameron is with my mom, and my mom and i dont get along. she thinks i would only be a bad influence on my sister. despite all this, i love all of them tremendously and would jump in front of a bus for any one of them. the most important thing is family, even if it's disjointed and scattered all over the country.
6. i am happiest living by the ocean. cold ocean. if any of you ever go home to california with me, you'll see. even smelling salt air calms down any anxiety i have whatsoever.
7. i am in my third important relationship. the first one was everythign i could want in a high school sweetheart scenario, and he is still an important person in my life, even if we dont talk much due to distance. the second one was more of a learning experience. what was the lesson? you cant cure someone elses inner demons if they dont want to let you in. it took 3 years to learn that one, but i wouldnt take back a single day of it.
8. i've always wanted to just pack a bag and travel. india, the middle east, eastern europe. anywhere, everywhere. except france. i have no desire to go to france.
9. i have seriously considered moving to canada. i got as far as visiting the consulate, and filling out applications for visas.
10. i'm not a particularly religious person, but i am spiritual. i believe in the power of nature, in karma, and in general energy. you only get back what you put out. so if im having a shit time of it, i believe i have no one to blame but myself and go about trying to remedy the situation.
11. i really dont know what i want to do with my life. i went to college for english/creative writing, but i dont think i want to do anything with that . at this point in my life im thinking maybe culinary school? i'd love to be a pastry chef. or own a bakery. whatever i do, i would like to own my own business someday. with a store cat. the cat is very important.
12. i love all kinds of music, butmy favorite genres would have to be punk, doo wop, rockabilly, old metal, and late 80's alt rock ala R.E.M.
13. boarding school was one of the funnest times i can remember when i was a wee'un. it may not have beena prefect experience, but hell, what is? i appreciated it more than anything.
14. when i move back to the states these are my top cities i want to live in, in no paticular order. boston, chicago, roanoke, portland, denver, santa cruz. who knows where ill end up?
15. i would seriously let someone amputate my left hand if i could have an amazing singing voice. ive always wanted one, and well......thse of you that went to bishop seabury remember the fiasco that was me and haley and leni singing that stupid song from grease for the talent show. i however, try and forget it.
16. i say goodnight to my grandfather every night before i go to sleep. he died when i was 5, and even if its just drunkenly and in my head, i always say goodnight to him. he was the best person i've ever known.
17. i think im going to start modeling again. before i came out here, it was starting to pick up for me. i think i could make it happen out here as well. just takes a little bit more elbow grease.
18. if i could have a lot of any domesticated animals, it would be a tie between a stable full of horses and a huge herd of maine coon cats. those things look like mini tigers, im telling you. mini tigers! i think i have a better chance at the cats, though. adam is terrified of horses.
19. my perfect night includes a home cooked meal, bike rides at sunset, good music good wine and good friends. a soft bed and someone to share it with.
20. i try and buy organic whenever humanly possible.
21. i'm happiest at home. i have weird social anxiety sometimes, so if im on home turf it calms me down. i used to self medicate with the green stuff back home, but its too expensive out here. hence, we have lots of board game parties and stuff over here. we even bought a badminton set a couple days ago! cant wait to try that out.
22. i miss the midwest. to me, the plains are almost as peaceful as the ocean. almost. but not quite.
23. whenever im hurt or panicked, i focus on one thing that i can see thats not man made and think, "no matter what happens, if i just sit by this, it wont change. it'll be here in 10 years and feasibly i could spend the next ten years getting to know this tree/rock/bush." and it calms me down.
24. one thing ive always known is that im going to make an amazing mom. i cant wait to have kids one day.
25. im a little neurotic, a little crazy, a little bit of a recluse, but all in all--i love what ive experienced so far. and i cant wait for the rest of my life. i think being old is going to be one of the most rewarding experiences ever, and i only hope that by then i will have amassed a family to share my life with.
26. im a fairly good judge of character. i give everyone a chance, albeit with hestitation. if i dont warm up to someone, they usually end up being the kind of person you dont want around you.
27. i miss kansas city horribly. truly is home, no matter where my travels take me. i cant wait to come home and get a little messy at buzzard, grab a slice from joe's, and then stumble home.
28.. on the topic of things i miss....winter! living in guam seems like the endless spring break. drunk sailors (sounds fun, isnt after a while), crazy japanese tourists...give me a damn book and a fireplace with snow outside anyday.
29. i've started a vintage coat collection. funny place to start one, guam. but the salvation army has great vintage stuff once in a while, and there are cool winter coats aplenty. thanks guam grandmothers.
30. my lifelong ambition is to open my own bakery. complete with store cat.
31. my favorite snack in the world right now is tiramisu with some mint tea. delicious.
32. my dog's name is pancho burrito. he's three quarters chihuahua, and one quarter jack russell terrier. which essentially makes him a super chihuahua with crazy jumping powers, and little to no bark. he is the most personality filled little dude you will ever meet.
33. the ocean will forever and always be my one unrequited love.
34. there is nothing better than riding a bike on a spring day.
and....bed.
im so numb that i feel everything in slow motion.
im pretty sure im single again. we're going out to get some lamb for dinner to talk about it, but the prognosis isn't good.
i thought this was the one. i still think this is the one. but hey, what the hell do i know? as i was informed last night about 30 times, im not really in love. how come i never saw that? last time i checked i was head over heels.
i am still very drunk at noon the next day. and i hate the navy, because it takes the boyfriend away from me for long periods at a time. lame.
