Ok, we've got something serious to talk about for a moment. Gather round...

There's a new interview wherein Michael Bay says this 4th Transformers will be his last movie. He said that for the last 2 movies! (And look at how well that worked out for all of us.)

I think there's a problem. And, it's not necessarily that Michael Bay is a liar...I think he's speaking another language that we don't seem to be understanding. When he said, "This will be my last Transformers movie." What he meant was, "I have ongoing plans to ruin everything you love." See? It's just the language barrier.

But, now that we have that out of the way let's talk about Michael Bay's ongoing plot to destroy our--and more importantly MY--childhood.

Have you heard that he wants to make the Ninja Turtles aliens in the upcoming remake? Yea. Aliens.

Direct quote: "These turtles are from an alien race."

When the mouth-foaming horror settled after that announcement, Michael assured that he wasn't "destroying" our childhood, but merely "enhancing" it. Mr. Bay...



I'm sure Mr. Bay thinks that this is a great way to add 96% MORE LASERS and finally bring Krang to the big screen. Which is a GREAT idea. I can already see the cross-promotion now...



But, here's the TINY problem with making the Ninja Turtles aliens...THEY WOULDN'T BE TURTLES ANYMORE!!!

If they're aliens, they're not turtles. They never were turtles. It's a new species and we would just refer to them as alien. At best, they'd just be aliens that happen to have a vague resemblance to what we call a turtle but anthropomorphized to the point that they're really green humans with turtle shells (and that's FAR too long of a title for a movie poster). Now, if they were regular cute little space turtles that happen to just be almost identical to our turtles but from a different planet theeen you could call them alien turtles without being redundant.

And, they sure as hell wouldn't be mutant...unless they're aliens who also happen to have suffered through some sort of nuclear disaster. They'd still just be aliens.

Ok, so they're not Mutants and they're not Turtles...but, they can still be teenagers? Well, sure but only with a lot of exposition. Mr. Bay would have to establish what a teenager is for their species and what a year is for their planet...an they could do it through a Superman-esque opener.

Actually, I've figured it all out and saved Michael Bay the trouble. Here's the screenplay:

After getting their first zit on their shells, the "turtles" have to flee their home planet which is being destroyed by krang and they come to earth and discover pizza and readheads.

The end. You're welcome.

So, it's not Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles anymore. It's Teenage Alien Ninjas. TAN. Or, Alien Ninja Teens. ANT. Take your pick...whichever'll look better on a lunch box.

And, that's fine! There's nothing wrong with a movie about alien ninjas and their struggle through puberty. Michael Bay has the Summer blockbuster power to create a new franchise, why drag TMNT down?



In other news: My buddy Tom Mayo got me some tasty tea from Harrods and instructed me in the proper way of drinking it.





I think I'm getting the hang of it...but the Jedi is gonna take a couple of tries. But, you know what they say...

"Do or do not...I'm gonna need another cup."

And, THANK YOU to everyone who commented on my new set Zou Bisou Bisou. I'm so happy you all enjoyed it as much as I do. I really appreciate all your wonderful words and I'm working hard to reply to as many people as I can.





And, as always, here's some random hilarity to go with my rant:









I interrupt this blog to bring you a public service announcement: My ultimate pet peeve: when people use "lol"...particularly when it's used as punctuation to a sentence which has no hilarious connotation whatsoever. If you wouldn't type, "I found that amusing," don't use "lol." I really hate it. I can't believe they added it to the dictionary. It's utter crap.



This ends my public service announcement.