So, sadly, I had a freak accident with my phone in which I got my headphones caught on the button of my jacket sleeve and it pulled my phone out of my pocket...and onto the ground.

I'm so utterly bummed about it that I've found myself using my phone significantly less because I'm so ashamed to look at it.

In fact, I've described it to friends as, "carrying a pocket full of shame."

And, when I posted about it the other day SO many people attempted to assuage my pain with the chant of, "don't worry the 5's coming out on Tuesday."

Which, by the way, is not a comfort. I was intending to get the 5 anyway. It's not an alternative solution. All it means is: now, I have a broken phone which I was planning on selling in order to buy the 5 which I'll get significantly less for.

I don't want to sound rude about it because I understand the people saying it are trying to be encouraging--their hearts are in the right place--but it's like high-fiving the last person in the race (which was generally me in school) and telling them, "nice try." It's not a "nice try" it's a pathetic mile run in 13 minutes and 38 seconds. (Yup, that's still my record mile time.)

And, seeing as how this is now Tuesday and the announcement has come and gone, I'm even more depressed (in a geeky sort of way) to hear there isn't even a 5 to assuage my sadness with.

"But, there's a 4S," you say. Honestly, the "new" phone is exactly the same as the old phone. The "new" features: better camera, battery, and attenna...are all things I don't need improvement on. That's not to say I don't appreciate the functionality of them...

But, I wasn't looking for something to replace the point-and-shoot camera I don't have and I certainly don't need a better phone camera to take higher-quality pictures of my food and my face (really the only two things I take pictures of).

I'm generally always around an outlet and carry a charger with me so I've never run into batter life issues and I generally get fine service.

I don't even really need my games to go any faster...yes iphones have cornered the handheld gaming market, but I have yet to find anything above puzzle quest that requires faster processing speeds or better graphics that would warrant buying a whole new device to play.

None of these are selling points that would prompt me to replace the current phone I have which looks--and for all intents and purposes--works exactly the same. (Except for the shameful crack in it.)

But, of course, there's still "the biggest feature" from the keynote...siri. Here's how I feel about siri:

You know what the #1 thing I do the least with my phone: talk into it. Yes, it's the "feature of the future" but it a feature I don't want or need. When I was thinking about things that I want the iphone 5 to have I can honestly say at no point did I say, "I really wish my phone talked to me more."

And, to continue down the road of the futuristic implications of talking computers...may I remind you:



Next, iphone is going to announce the "kill all humans" feature. "It just works."


So, of course, many people say, "well if you're so hunappy with what Apple announced...what were you expecting. What would have excited you?" To be honest, it's a valid question, but it's not one I can really answer. And, I don't think it's one I really need to. Yea, I had some things I was hoping for, but it's not my job to think up a new iphone...it's Apple's and they didn't do it.

So, in an effort to expend as little energy as possible on this imaginary phone I'll never have...here is a little list of things I was hoping for:
Things I would have wanted in a new iphone:

• Bigger screen


• Better overall design...thinner, lighter, less glass


• 4G

The worst part about all of this...telling people you didn't like, want or need any of the new features and they respond by launching into a litany of features Apple just announced. I heard it the first time...just because you rephrase it doesn't make me any more interested. That's fine if you liked it. I don't think there's anything wrong with liking siri or being excited about getting a 4s. This is just my personal preference...and listing features I heard an hour ago isn't going to change my preference.

Honestly, the keynote as a whole was fairly disappointing the ios updates are all stuff that's already working or stuff other apps already do--just integrated--and ipod updates are sort of a non-issue with me since my phone offers the same functionality.

The real rub in all of this is the phone costs $200...the exact same cost to fix the cracked glass in my current phone. So, the ultimate issue? Do I spend $200 fixing the glass on the iphone 4 or do I spend $200 on the new 4s? I'm inclined to save my upgrade for next year and just fix the glass...but maybe if I hear the features of the 4s listed one more time I'll change my mind.

After all, I have until Friday to figure this all out.

And, because I'm not totally a bitter old man, here's some hilarity to lighten my rant:






This had a hilarious caption: "you're a Skywalker, not a streetwalker!"