every car that drives by
it's you
but you never came

every time the door creaks open
i hear footsteps on the stairs
but it's only the sound
of my own heartbeat.
only the sound of me
echoing inside my head
for tears i can no longer shed

just me

and you must have waited to
silently listening to music too loud
waiting for a sign
to show up closer than it appears
but i never came
and you don't hear you heartbeat
over the sound of your angry love songs

just you

cuz we never came

warriors, all

we all have our battle
several, usually pertaining to one main
fear

i've been struggling
with one of the biggest issues i have
mental

i realize that which has truly made me stronger
is the thing that forces me to face
what i might otherwise avoid
and that it's true
struggle is forces us to move forward
or further away
we grow, we develop, we learn
we find out what we are made of
and i have been unable to let go
so if i've seemed cruel,
i've been treated cruely
but no excuses

i've been unable to blame
i think it a good thing
though at times i've simply added it to my pain
i didn't want things to happen
they did
sound familiar?

the rape and brutality i've witnessed
the violence, the hate
the sunken cleopatra vampire wanna-be
the boys, dare i call them men,
that have failed to see anything more
than a mere image of what they wanted to see
and the friends, so temporary
yes, i've been guilty of hate
hating an entire sex
hating humanity
hating the world
sound familiar?

and me, who i am
refuses to back down from demanding forgiveness
mine
it's the only way my being
sees to getting clear from it all
from gaining an ease of being
which has eluded me since too young
almost too young to remember
almost
until innocence no longer threw
a proctive cover over my life
i've raged against whatever it is in me
that made me such an angry child
that had me on me knees
pushing everything away
including my parents
fear

and for nine years
maybe my whole life
since i can almost remember
i've been unable to forgive
so that every minute of my life
can be seen as a struggle
though i would not say it always feels that way
and for nine years
maybe more
i've ignored many things
don't ever let someone tell you
you are overreacting
lest it happen to you
few things hurt more
than to have your fears
unwittingly, cruelly backed up
when they should be refuted
maybe understood?
we can only hope
usually for yourself

and at the end of the day
i realize my struggle is to find out
who am i
and why am i here
just like everyone else

just like everyone
trying to be happy
no one life above another

so what's your battle?

cause and effect

why must everything happen for a reason
who's to say it does
when i think i'm getting somewhere
with all my work, and all my trying
life reminds me... it doesn't get easier
that's not a realistic goal
the mistake is to hold onto ideals
ideals are rigid, ideals can't fluctuate
and the world is in a constant state of flux
so it's just a mindset
a way of looking at life, that can make problems
just situations, to be dealt with

i can't see it that way, yet
maybe never will, which is fine
at least there will always be something to work on
i feel bogged down sometimes
that it seems i'm expected to be strong
or naive, or maybe absentminded
i'm expected to have calm, good advice
i'm expected to be responsible
i'm expected to have a constant smile on my face
at least i imagine i'm expected to have these things
i very rarely believe i know what's going on
how could i not worry, though?
of course i worry, i lose sleep worrying
just like everyone else
it's my detachment, that makes me seem cold
a carefully cultivated detachment
how easily we set ourselves up for failure
how easy to play the victim
and not take responsibility for the role i play in getting hurt
considering i have the leading part

sigh. it really doesn't get easier
the Truth remains elusive
and life remains a journey
i will try to keep in mind
whether i am stepping on glass
or rose petals
i am stepping.

Sometimes the pain we keep inside
Tears and rips our insides
Until we have to scream in sweet
Frustrated release
But what comes out is "I forgive you, I forgive you"
When we cannot even forgive ourselves for being hurt

How dare we get used
How dare we not detect the lies and abuse
How dare we not share what's in our
Hearts and minds
How dare we not make ourselves know
When we didn't even know ourselves
How do we forgive ourselves for the mistakes of others

And when we cry and the emptiness of thought
That directly follows
We find clarity in the fact that we are ok and unbound
And the decisions that were made were the only ones possible
To make at the time
What is there to fight for when all you're battling
Is the things you cannot change
Why fight
Why fight
I cannot forgive myself for being hurt


Forgive me.

out of the ashes

And we rise like the phoenix
out of the ashes
but what was burnt
and what are the ashes
that cling to what has risen
we become the form we constantly take
and if we had a choice
would it be different
or always the same

Everything that came before
is written accross my insides
and seeps through my pores
don't let it consume what is to come
and why must i envy yours
you've changed what it is i burn
and i've changed how you rise again

The constant yearning
to bear our souls
the constant yearning to be known
Faith in the understanding
that no one will ever know
how much can we give each other
until what we say is clear
how much of what we believe
shapes what it becomes

The nights spent alone
again
the nights a distant memory
until the memories i clung on to get here
turn out to be the ones i wish unknown
sometimes the only way to heal
is to re-open the wound
and sew it up right this time
time to set things right

So when i rise again into this world
i need only open my eyes to the dawn
descending
and greet the world with empty arms

seeing music
one of those days you feel alive
feel the things you say inside your head
that make you understand
it's all ok
used to be the only good thing
was feeling bad
seeking misery is a pastime
of so many so many
when there's nothing to fight for
we'll find something to destroy
usually something in ourselves
as the days pass
and the music hasn't changed
and they joy you bring
is all you have
hold onto the things that you have
created to get here
sewn into a platform you can climb
woven into a bridge from there to here
try not to look at the mildew
that grows behind
in a barren tiled room
in a bath filled with the tears
they've cried
with the wailing sorrow
of another starving artist
swirling inside your ears
but not your head
and the hurt that i feel
it's not really mine
it's so universal
i love you all i love you
for making it so i'm not in this alone
not that it makes it
any less special
or any less real

i am a joker
and i found my match
but two empty vessels
were not what we were
simply too able
to adapt
and when there was nothing
for us to feed on
there was no movement
and i wasn't drowning
just poisoning the well
and i find so many
that i could complete
with my wild
but who
if not another joker
could ever complete my hand
is it going to always
be a choice
i make day after day
to assume that anything
would just be the same
and to stick with what
i've decided is right

there you were, and then you weren't

the days where a face forms in your mind
a face you haven't seen for some time
a face of a friend
or a face of a lover
a face of a man glimpsed in a moment
that made time stand still
and colors more vivid
it's like different worlds
when your surroundings get changed
how do you sing them all into the same song
what to we keep and what do we lose
what do we toss and what do we chose
to gain in our lives that have changed over time
to those that i've known
to those that have died
to those that have been there when i needed it most
and to those i let down
when i felt like a ghost
to those that kept me company for a moment in time
and for those that changed my life
for what they were to me
and some i will never see again
some are taken by bullet
some taken by train
some by a life no longer part of mine
some by my own deeds
and some by theirs
some broken hearted
some full of hate
some for love of dying
some for searching and being found
and these people i've know
these things i remember
who will i lose next and who will i gain
and do those still around
think of me from time to time
i wonder
because no one i've met
is ever forgotten

as your twilight eyes
settle me into the thought
of your soul once again
i hold my breath
and don't dare to let it go
i thought i knew
it could be like this
but i had given up hope
so can trust be won
can love conquer all
here in the drone
of day to day life
taken off the movie screens
and from my beloved books
can the power of an emotion
shatter the pain the hurt
the guilt the lies
and reform into something pure
i'm no welder
but maybe you are
maybe if you believe enough
and maybe if i let you
in enough
again
can something so painful
become something as pure
as what i felt
when i felt all this for you?
or maybe it's your turn
to feel like the only one
longing and yearning and loving so pure
maybe i've won
maybe it's you.