IPOD
RADIO
PICS
it's embarrassing how very little ive been online as of late. truly ridiculous.
since the last time we met (you crazy kids, with your... uh... stuff), i became an aunt... my sister has spawned a child i fully intend to corrupt. just as soon as the whole diaper thing ends. i spend enough time wiping my own ass, i dont need to be cleaning up after tiny people.
i find im tired an awful lot. also tongue tied and brain dead. i sit here... and i had so much to say, but it took so long for the screen to load for me that everything fell out of my head.
all over the floor. what a goddamned mess.
but anyways... since im not coming up with anything amazing, im gonna fuck off for now. if you kids get the urge, come up with what you imagine would be the worst pie flavor ever concocted.
im going with...
broken glass.
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew.
since the last time we met (you crazy kids, with your... uh... stuff), i became an aunt... my sister has spawned a child i fully intend to corrupt. just as soon as the whole diaper thing ends. i spend enough time wiping my own ass, i dont need to be cleaning up after tiny people.
i find im tired an awful lot. also tongue tied and brain dead. i sit here... and i had so much to say, but it took so long for the screen to load for me that everything fell out of my head.
all over the floor. what a goddamned mess.
but anyways... since im not coming up with anything amazing, im gonna fuck off for now. if you kids get the urge, come up with what you imagine would be the worst pie flavor ever concocted.
im going with...
broken glass.
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew.
blog post. apparently im benni. fancy script and profile pictures and all.
its growing increasingly colder outside. that whole changing of the seasons thing is creeping up on me. it was bound to happen, as it does every year, but im not ready for it yet. this year flew by me at an alarming pace, even more so than years past, and it feels like... someone left the window open and the wind blew all of my mail and shit off the table and onto the floor, so i bent down to pick it all up, and when i went to put it on the table...?
BAM! hit by a car.
okay, so that made no sense. welcome to my week. a week of nonsensical gibberish and bizarre happenings. i again find myself trying to pick up pieces this week. i just want things to stay in order long enough that i can breathe, but i worry that will never be the case.
...
sometimes i write things that im just not... i just cant...
there are so many things, as always, and as always there are not words for any of them. my heart aches. my world continues to unravel. to coincide with this coming coldest of seasons, the warmth is draining from my heart and i have this feeling like ive been abandoned...
melodramatic, maybe, but every once in awhile i should have the right to throw a tantrum like a petulant child. only problem is im too quiet and too well behaved...
so i can be the soft spoken trash talker, the well received drama queen. eater of flesh, collector of scars, owner of a heart broken a hundred times over...
and a woman who wishes she could sleep without those pictures of you streaming behind closed lids.
wishes she could sleep, period. simple things come harder and harder these days.
who ARE you? i guess i never found out. if i had, maybe i wouldnt have let you in. or maybe i would have. im a sucker for punishment.
enough of the past. tomorrow is a new day...
and i miss my girlfriend.
and because im tired of always being such a downer... watch this. it may quite possibly be the best thing thats ever happened in the world, ever. EVAR.
its growing increasingly colder outside. that whole changing of the seasons thing is creeping up on me. it was bound to happen, as it does every year, but im not ready for it yet. this year flew by me at an alarming pace, even more so than years past, and it feels like... someone left the window open and the wind blew all of my mail and shit off the table and onto the floor, so i bent down to pick it all up, and when i went to put it on the table...?
BAM! hit by a car.
okay, so that made no sense. welcome to my week. a week of nonsensical gibberish and bizarre happenings. i again find myself trying to pick up pieces this week. i just want things to stay in order long enough that i can breathe, but i worry that will never be the case.
...
sometimes i write things that im just not... i just cant...
there are so many things, as always, and as always there are not words for any of them. my heart aches. my world continues to unravel. to coincide with this coming coldest of seasons, the warmth is draining from my heart and i have this feeling like ive been abandoned...
melodramatic, maybe, but every once in awhile i should have the right to throw a tantrum like a petulant child. only problem is im too quiet and too well behaved...
so i can be the soft spoken trash talker, the well received drama queen. eater of flesh, collector of scars, owner of a heart broken a hundred times over...
and a woman who wishes she could sleep without those pictures of you streaming behind closed lids.
wishes she could sleep, period. simple things come harder and harder these days.
who ARE you? i guess i never found out. if i had, maybe i wouldnt have let you in. or maybe i would have. im a sucker for punishment.
enough of the past. tomorrow is a new day...
and i miss my girlfriend.
and because im tired of always being such a downer... watch this. it may quite possibly be the best thing thats ever happened in the world, ever. EVAR.
i mean, c'MON. im secretery of DEFENSE.
entities... im lost, tonight. the world feels like its spinning... which is technically true, i guess, but MY world feels like its spinning... in a nauseating sort of way.
i used to be so sure that there was nothing following me through my life with the exception of my shadow. my ever present silent twin... dark and unnoticed, not unlike me most days, but fearless and perfect. a perfect two dimensional me that was sometimes nine feet tall...
but always proportionate.
its not just me and my shadow anymore. ive certainly come to believe that... what entity follows me... this i dont know. the word god has always made me cringe, but what do you label something that is ever present and so much bigger than you?
god is just a word... a word that makes me shiver and makes my stomach turn, but that just seems so fitting for my spinning world.
to be lonely and know that youre not alone is a shitty feeling... a shittier feeling to wonder if im smothering, if im pushing away, if im that crazy girl that everyone watches until they're out of earshot, only to whisper amongst themselves behind cupped hands and closed doors...
i am that girl, that shy girl, that unsure girl... that wannabe girl, but that girl who's never enough... not smart enough, not pretty enough, not driven enough, not talented enough... the only thing i have that's exceptional is hindsight, and im willing to bet im not the only one who can claim that as my own.
give me an easy way to numb you out, that wont leave me crouched and hopeless...
right direction, wrong direction, monkey trap? just... let... go...
the trick is to keep breathing.
entities... im lost, tonight. the world feels like its spinning... which is technically true, i guess, but MY world feels like its spinning... in a nauseating sort of way.
i used to be so sure that there was nothing following me through my life with the exception of my shadow. my ever present silent twin... dark and unnoticed, not unlike me most days, but fearless and perfect. a perfect two dimensional me that was sometimes nine feet tall...
but always proportionate.
its not just me and my shadow anymore. ive certainly come to believe that... what entity follows me... this i dont know. the word god has always made me cringe, but what do you label something that is ever present and so much bigger than you?
god is just a word... a word that makes me shiver and makes my stomach turn, but that just seems so fitting for my spinning world.
to be lonely and know that youre not alone is a shitty feeling... a shittier feeling to wonder if im smothering, if im pushing away, if im that crazy girl that everyone watches until they're out of earshot, only to whisper amongst themselves behind cupped hands and closed doors...
i am that girl, that shy girl, that unsure girl... that wannabe girl, but that girl who's never enough... not smart enough, not pretty enough, not driven enough, not talented enough... the only thing i have that's exceptional is hindsight, and im willing to bet im not the only one who can claim that as my own.
give me an easy way to numb you out, that wont leave me crouched and hopeless...
right direction, wrong direction, monkey trap? just... let... go...
the trick is to keep breathing.
"all my ancient twisted karma from beginningless greed, hate and delusion born of my body, speech and mind i now fully avow... beings are numberless: vowing to free them. delusions are inexhaustable; vowing to extinguish them. dharma gates are boundless; vowing to enter them. Buddha's way i unsurpassable; vowing to become it."
peanut butter jelly time! peanut butter jelly time! where you at? where you at? where you at? where you at? there you go! there you go! there you go! there you go! peanut butter jelly! peanut butter jelly! peanut butter jelly! peanut butter jelly....!
today today today.... (sunday, BLOODY sunday...)
incoherent ramblings from my beloved, hand written journal. the thoughts that flow through my pen tend to be a little more disjointed than the thoughts that find their way to my screen... my brain moves so much faster than my overtaxed left hand...
nonsensical.
i like nonsense.
lots of pictures. life never stops with the surprises. torments. habits. habit. gonna keep sinking me, gotta get out from under this giant thumb.
they got it right, boy. everyone whos done it knows it backward and forward, though. its that one thing, that most difficult thing...
but they got it right.
*
i dont understand life. im at such a loss, on everything... every level. im lonely, but its so... just...she says shes lonely too, and all this time i had sort of tuned her out... but not like you think... my typical selfish fashion. the tunnel vision. narrowed. narrow. and then it was just me there, desperately lonely and trying like hell to keep my pen from quitting on me.
*
eat. sleep. bathe. gone.
*
take me by my hand and show me the way, lead me to something better. better than this. raise me from the ash of my life and help me to find the girl i left behind. she wasnt perfect, but she was light years better than me. she had integrity and strength, and a lust for looking forward, looking up.
she was much less than perfect.
but she was better than me.
*
bad dreams still screaming in, lowered histamine or not. you said i was mouthing words to myself. i remember tossing, i remember sobbing. open eyes to black.
the situation dissolves.
*
stirring. a thousand times, uneasy. searching the dark for your hand. legs entwined, tear soaked pillow at my cheek. flip it over. close my eyes.
*
back to sleep.
*
then here i was. a dismal start to shift two. the lonliness creeping in around the edges again... starting to split me at the seams. as usual, my thoughts turn to you...
youre the most beautiful boy ive ever seen.
*
the days run together, eternally gray. i hover on the verge of breakdown today. my heart wont stop quivering. i crawled from a haunted sleep, a cold sweat adding to my unease.
*
wake up. wake up wake up wake up.
*
im fraying at the edges. frustration. self loathing. always ready to break down. never ready to break down.
everything is wrong.
nothing ever changes.
i need a good nights sleep.
incoherent ramblings from my beloved, hand written journal. the thoughts that flow through my pen tend to be a little more disjointed than the thoughts that find their way to my screen... my brain moves so much faster than my overtaxed left hand...
nonsensical.
i like nonsense.
lots of pictures. life never stops with the surprises. torments. habits. habit. gonna keep sinking me, gotta get out from under this giant thumb.
they got it right, boy. everyone whos done it knows it backward and forward, though. its that one thing, that most difficult thing...
but they got it right.
*
i dont understand life. im at such a loss, on everything... every level. im lonely, but its so... just...she says shes lonely too, and all this time i had sort of tuned her out... but not like you think... my typical selfish fashion. the tunnel vision. narrowed. narrow. and then it was just me there, desperately lonely and trying like hell to keep my pen from quitting on me.
*
eat. sleep. bathe. gone.
*
take me by my hand and show me the way, lead me to something better. better than this. raise me from the ash of my life and help me to find the girl i left behind. she wasnt perfect, but she was light years better than me. she had integrity and strength, and a lust for looking forward, looking up.
she was much less than perfect.
but she was better than me.
*
bad dreams still screaming in, lowered histamine or not. you said i was mouthing words to myself. i remember tossing, i remember sobbing. open eyes to black.
the situation dissolves.
*
stirring. a thousand times, uneasy. searching the dark for your hand. legs entwined, tear soaked pillow at my cheek. flip it over. close my eyes.
*
back to sleep.
*
then here i was. a dismal start to shift two. the lonliness creeping in around the edges again... starting to split me at the seams. as usual, my thoughts turn to you...
youre the most beautiful boy ive ever seen.
*
the days run together, eternally gray. i hover on the verge of breakdown today. my heart wont stop quivering. i crawled from a haunted sleep, a cold sweat adding to my unease.
*
wake up. wake up wake up wake up.
*
im fraying at the edges. frustration. self loathing. always ready to break down. never ready to break down.
everything is wrong.
nothing ever changes.
i need a good nights sleep.
MARCH 2007
FEBRUARY 2007
JANUARY 2007
DECEMBER 2006
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