"holy shit."

"what?"

"we're late..."

"what time is it?"

"one thirty."

"holy fuck."

and so it began, new years eve day, late like so many other days before. you hit a point when its so late theres no possible way you could be on time, so you do it my way: as slowly as damn possible.

a shower, deliberate makeup application. trial and error with the outfits. i wanted to take tegan to the big mall, but there was definately not time for that, so we ended up at ridgedale, my favorite of all our yuppie malls.

"minne...tonka? your cities have weird names."

she has a point.



six thirty. eight stores, three shirts and several tacos later, we finally got on the road, en route to a four o'clock wedding. its was a long drive, but at least the roads were clear.



we walked into the reception hall. it took a bit for my eyes to adjust to the lighting, and when they did i realized i didnt recognize anyone, not at first. there was a fleeting moment of panic as i considered the possibility of having wandered in on the wrong celebration...

and then i spotted my mom.

tegan followed me as i approached her table. she sensed me then, and looked over at us. i was terrified of the scolding i was sure i was about to receive, but her look of shock at seeing me was almost instantly replaced with relief and a smile. i started to explain why we were so late, why we had missed the ceremony shed been hellbent on my attending, but she cut me off.

"im just glad you made it."



aunt lisa:

*tapping my plugs, wrinkling her nose at my stretched lobes*

"well THATS interesting. i just want to stick my finger through there."

"if you like, i could take the jewelry out and you can."

her smile was instantlly replaced with a grimace and i swear she whitened a shade or two.

"uh... no thanks."



uncle david:

..."so you used to be pretty smart. are you still that smart? maybe not..."

"i dont know. i guess i must not be."

"well, i know its hard being the smartest person in your family. i mean, when i walk into a room filled with people, i know that im the smartest person in the room, and that can be really hard sometimes, you know, its hard to know how to deal with people when theyre not on your intellectual level."

"uh... huh."

"you used to be really talented... i just hate looking at you and knowing that youre wasting your time... really, a waste of life. are you even in school?"

"not anymore."

"well thats just too bad. you know i believe in higher education..."

"i have no issues with higher education. i do have issues with wasting my money."

"well, youre wasting your time, and messing up your--"

"hey, you know what? ive got to go over here. now."



aunt jenny:

"so were glad you could make it... youre looking nice."

"thanks."

"you staying the night?"

"yeah... were staying the night in town, but weve got to get going pretty early... weve got a tattoo appointment tomorrow. were getting tattooed together."

"so... that your friend then?"

"yeah... tegan. isnt she beautiful?"

"...your mom said you were bringing someone with you. she was like, 'i dont know if theyre friends... or if theyre friends.' and i was like, 'well what does it matter? if thats what she likes to do, and if she cares about her then--"

"yeah. i dont think she needs to know the nature of our relationship."

"well... dont you think maybe...? i mean, youre getting tattooed with this woman... you two are going to be marked for the rest of your lives. you dont think your mom deserves to know?"

"you know... i have to get a soda."



tegan, my brothers and i stood against the wall in a relatively vacant corner, like sullen teenagers at a high school dance. tegan wandered off to get a drink and i sank to the floor, lustily eyeing my pizza. the moment i settled, uncle david materialized out of nowhere and crouched next to me. he started without letting me say a word.

"so, i noticed... youre looking pretty skinny, and if youre doing what i THINK youre doing..."

my pizza stalled between my plate and my gaping mouth. my gaze turned icy.

"...exCUSE me?"

"youre looking really skinny and i know what youre doing, and you should know that if you keep doing it, youre going to ruin--"

i cut him off.

"and what, exactly, do you think im doing?"

"i think youre on stimulants."

"..."

"and those will--"

i stopped him again, pointing across the hall.

"your underage daughter is drinking alcohol. i have a soda." i waved my pepsi at him.

"i--"

"im drinking a soda, and i dont smoke cigarettes."

"thats not what--"

"its a pretty big jump from no booze and no cigarettes... to..." i lowered my voice dramatically. "stimulants."

"i just--"

"youre just a dick."



taking all i could stand of the reception, my cousin theresa and my self centered diva cousin jessica convinced me and teegs it would be fun to go to the one bar in waukon (population, roughly, one thousand.) we piled into my car and headed out. of course, jessica, being davids daughter, is not only an asshole herself, but underage with no id. KNOWING this, we get to the bar and they turn her away. no id, no drinky drinky, little one. she was PISSED. so then, its apparently MY job to take her back to the hotel, after we have JUST arrived, and JUST started to get into the mood to celebrate new years. i made her stand in the cold cold doorway whilst i waited for someone... ANYONE... to call midnight so i could kiss tegan. midnight came and went, and no one called it, so come twelve o' five, tegan and i grabbed one another and locked lips. apparently waukonians have never seen "lesbians" in their lives.

after returning a huffy jessica to the hotel, we went back to the bar so tegan could get her drink on, and i could try to wash off the stink of family gathering. we danced, chatted, cuddled and made the best of a very bizarre situation...

dont know if i could have survived it without her.



we stayed out until bar close, and returned to our room. i spooned her out of affection and warmth, and it was a good night.



matching tattoos and icy roads, punctuated with a subway sandwich made for a happy new years.

i dont want her to go.