SuicideGirl: Benni
suicidegirl

Benni dislikes Those same moments kill me.

I’m private
 
OCT 8, 2004 | OCT 11, 2004
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Saturday blog
OCTOBER 9, 2004 @ 11:33 AM


we didnt sleep too late...
there was a fire in the yard.
all of the trees were alight...
they had no faces to show.
i saw a sign in the sky...
seven swans, seven swans, seven swans...
i heard a voice in the night...
i will try, i will try, i will try...

i will try, i will try, i will try...


resorting to lyrics when i dont know what to say. i am speechless and lost... every thought... every idea ive had for weeks is broken and lumped together in my skull, like one huge fucking trainwreck that no ones had the time to sort out...

i wonder if there are any survivors.

i think im in there somewhere.

i wonder if ive said too much; too much talking, gutwrenching heartspilling... too much. you forget you have to keep it all inside or you lose any advantage you may have had and they can chip away at you...

and they do, whether or not theyre trying to...

everytime you inhaled, choking on what you thought you needed to say... you should have let it choke you. knowing... not knowing... it didnt change anything. you shouldnt have done it.

needs. wants. you dont know the fucking difference. i dont know the difference.

for an instant things seemed so much more... and then the clarity dissolved and you tried to cling to it...

you always try to hold on to it.

youve developed a fondness for drinking alone. you. you should know what that means, but you do it still...

you reach for things that will fix you and nothing does, but still you try... repetition keeps you sane.

god i hate you.

you need to do something but first you have to figure out what the fuck something is.

youre the one whos going to fix you... so when are you going to take those steps?

last night in your dreams they came from the sky... they took seventeen dollars from you and it was all you had, and you laughed at the absurdity of the distance theyd travelled for your seventeen dollars...

and then you laughed at the absurdity of talking about yourself as though you were someone else. but you did it anyway. and you didnt know where to cut it off.

and so you wait.

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Comments
Charitee

Charitee

Eden Prairie, MN
June 2004

OCT 09, 2004 11:38 AM

Sweet girl, you need to get out and have some fun. I've been keeping up on your journals and without even knowing you, I'm worried about ya!

I hope you sleep better soon and your dreams stop tormenting you.

If it helps to know that someone is thinking about you.. I'm someone..

fdnymedic

fdnymedic

Brooklyn, NY
December 2003

OCT 09, 2004 11:41 AM

i know the strength you have...inside and out...you wil have it when you ned it the most to get you thru and i will always be there for that extra momentum you need just when you thought you were facing it alone....there will be someone behind you every step of the way....and next to you when you need. always.
kiss

Tjaden

Tjaden

I'm lost
June 2003

OCT 09, 2004 11:45 AM

hello, miss. i continue to hope that the demons that haunt you are soon satiated and leave you well alone.

if not... i'll just have to bite them. a lot.

really... i have mean teeth.

i do.

see? *grrr*

Charitee

Charitee

Eden Prairie, MN
June 2004

OCT 09, 2004 11:46 AM

I did write that, but it's not more beautiful than your writings.

I can understand the feeling of needing to be left alone. It's funny how when I'm at my worst and could use my friends the most is when I push them away. More irony.

Don't let them tell you to stop being so serious. What ever your demons are, you'll come to terms with them in your own time and in your own way.

I think that as an SG, people sort of expect you to always smile and be as beautiful of spirt as you are in face.. but you have the right to feel meloncholy if you choose. Sadness and confusion are a part of life. You just have a way of expressing better than most of us do.

I'm listening.

tarzan

tarzan

I'm lost
February 2004

OCT 09, 2004 11:52 AM

youve developed a fondness for drinking alone. you. you should know what that means, but you do it still...

you reach for things that will fix you and nothing does, but still you try... repetition keeps you sane



thats me. exactly me. i know that i cant say anystupied thing online that will make you feel better. just know that im thinking of you and praying for you.

jonnytrrrash7

jonnytrrrash7

Vatican City
February 2004

OCT 09, 2004 12:02 PM

i have to go with tarzan........you've got me pegged...and i too have been where you are, we all have.....and i am at a loss for what to say to you.....except........let's hope there is light at the end of the tunnel....... wink

sapient_fool

sapient_fool

Minneapolis, MN
February 2004

OCT 09, 2004 12:04 PM

i love you... smile

robot_love

robot_love

Minneapolis, MN
September 2004

OCT 09, 2004 12:04 PM

hmmmm. you are liked. robot_smile.

sapient_fool

sapient_fool

Minneapolis, MN
February 2004

OCT 09, 2004 12:14 PM

get better soon, please. whatever that means... ? smile

sapient_fool

sapient_fool

Minneapolis, MN
February 2004

OCT 09, 2004 12:19 PM

When I bought a lottery ticket this morning, I was thinking of you. 215 millions dollars! We could both escape our problems with that, couldn't we?? If I win, I'll pick up the money on Monday, and I'll come for you on Tuesday. Kiss...

robot_love

robot_love

Minneapolis, MN
September 2004

OCT 09, 2004 12:24 PM

oh my. mercy. do you really want to know?

4 noble truths.

much love comin' at ya. no_bot.

sapient_fool

sapient_fool

Minneapolis, MN
February 2004

OCT 09, 2004 12:25 PM

they say money can't buy happiness. I'd like to put that to the test. I'd be pretty fucking happy triny t spend 215 million.
BTW... I'm not jokin'. love

Sephirajo

Sephirajo

Minneapolis, MN
September 2004

OCT 09, 2004 01:09 PM

are they? Or are they.... hmmmmmm.

ooo aaa !

jonnytrrrash7

jonnytrrrash7

Vatican City
February 2004

OCT 09, 2004 01:14 PM

isn't there always light at the end..........maybe the tunnel be longer and cavernous and darker than usual, but you always come out .......... wink

robot_love

robot_love

Minneapolis, MN
September 2004

OCT 09, 2004 01:17 PM

be still. you have what you need.

i hope to see you in the hood again soon. if not just to say Hello.

-heart-burst...sprinkle good ju-ju.....envelope and absorb....hiccup. robot_feel.

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