Today is my Mothers birthday. She would have been 47 today- if she was still alive. That makes me sad. I miss he so much. It has been almost 14 years without her but it still hurts so bad. I find it ironic that her birthday is on this date.

But- on a lighter note:

Things aren't as bad as they appeared. I am getting my transmission fixed. It should only take a week or so. So that is good. I have to drive the ghetto cruiser until then but I don't give a fuck.

I got promoted at work and I have only been there 2 months so that is pimp. I also had a five day weekend off from work. My sister graduated on Thursday and that is when my tranny went out. I went to the Red's game yesterday and it was pretty fun. Deven and I played the drunken annoying fan. It was fun and they played Bon Jovi

I have been cleaning my new crib all day. I am sore and tired and my back aches. I also smell like cleaning products and bleach. Woot. I can't wait until everything is all cleaned up and together so I can have people over. I am a neat freak so that could be a while.

I am getting another kitty too. It is solid black baby girl. She is so adorable. I <3 cats! The only issue is naming her. It takes me forever to pick a name because I want it to be perfect.


Sorry I am so lame...

you kissed me and i fell down
the dizziness of possiblity enveloped me
swallowed me up into something
i should have never been allowed to see
now i can't breathe without you
i can't understand the meaning of "exist"
it tantilizes my every inch
smoldering stares that sanctify
no pain is enough to rectify
this illusion will only terminate
into dissapointment
infinity
an ugly word that paints me
a darker shade than black
how could you put this thought into my head
lay your magic on thick as your disease too soon will spread
my splintered love now goes unsaid
bound and gagged to this love
your affliction
black chariots of despair apprehead no intention
to heal this charcoaled spark
to unwind the laced heart
unto freedom from the dark
unto freedom...


from you

just when you think things are going your way shit gets fucked up. the transmission in my car went out today. man that is 3 transmissions in 2 years. i think that is a record. i am beyond upset. i can't win. how am i going to get to work? everything is fucked.

I got promoted today at work which is awesome. I have only been there 2 months!

I also don't have to work the rest of the week... which is sweet ass. Especially since I had monday off too!

I am in the process of moving in. I should be all the way moved by this weekend. So that is exciting.

My sister graduates college tomorrow. I am so proud of her. She also just bought a brand new house. I was there on Labor Day and it is truly beautiful. Evrything seems to be setting in for her. I am really happy for her and I love her dearly.

My mom's birthday is on September 11th which sucks. She would be 44 this year if she was still alive

But the 11th is also my little sisters birthday and she is going to california for the first time so I am happy for her.

I'M MOVING OUT!!!!

I just got my very own apartment today so I can move out of my ex boyfriends house and be free!!!!

I'm so happy

I also had the best day at work yesterday I have ever had plus- I only have to work 2 days next week. Fuck yeah! Life is good for once!

i hate paying back my student loans when i couldn't even find a fucking job in my field. it makes me feel like i wasted my time in college. what a fucking pile of shit.

i mean- i make a lot of money now at the job i am at. but anyone can get my job. you don't have to have a college degree. it just pisses me off. i mean not to say i am above anyone but- really i am WAYYYYY over qualified for the job i do. plus- i really don't know anyone who has a college degree. that deserves some recognition right???

sorry... i guess i am just bitter about paying back money for an education that got me no where. i only graduated last december but i looked for 6 months for a job and for my field. no such luck in hillbilly hell (or kentucky- whichever you prefer) i would really have to move to NYC or LA. both of which i would love but i don't have the money or the means to do so at this point. goddamnit

my life is so redundent. i feel like a machine. get up- got to work- come home- sit on the internet- go to sleep- do it again. i wish my life had more meaning but alas- i have no life.i just wish i could trust someone.

i got paid today and i should be happy but money means nothing to me. i know i have to have it but that it as far as it goes.

i need to find an apartment pronto. no more living with the ex boyfriend. that is weak...

but i bought some cute hello kitty pj's and that does make me happy

i told a friend of mine that i was an SG and she was not very excited. i mean everyone has their opinions and i respect hers. but i feel i need to express myself. i have so much i need to get out. all the insecurity. i mean what better way to say i am not ashamed of my body than to get naked in front of thousands? i think it takes balls and strong will to do that- especially if you have self esteem issues. not to say i think i am ugly or anything. i am just average. but everyone has their things with thier apperence. this just helps me exorcize the demon.

wOOt

I went to the underground extacy ball in louisville last night at Headliners and had such a fun time. I met all the Kentucky SG's: Maddy, Poison,Lucretia andInvidia. We danced on stage in between the bands sets and also took turns dancing to each one of the bands in the ghetto rigged cage (it kept falling apart!). It was a blast except the scary midget that kept taking our pictures. I am deathly afraid of midgets!

Anyway it was good to finally meet some other SG's. There should be another Underground Fetish Ball soon so you all should check it out!

Well.... I went to work yesterday and they told me I had the day off.... So I ended up going ot Chicago anyway. But I missed the show Man it is hard to suck as much as I do. But I had fun. Saw some friends I don't see much anymore. Man I <3 Chicago...

Well I didn't get in until like 7 am and I had to be at work at 1:30 so I thought I might not make it in. But I did cuz I am the champ and I actually had a good day. I am contemplating going out to night but I just don't know if my body can take it...

My throat hurts... man am I whiney or what?

I am so pissed right now! I was supposed to go see My Chemical Romance today in Chicago but my friend who has the tickets isn't home and I have called him a billion times. What jerk... I should punch him.

So instead I will go to work... cuz you know- that is fun! Pshhhht.

Why do people dick you around?

I just want to see my pretend boyfreind Gerard... boo hoo