Im really nervous abt making a cool bday for my son this yr, it seems like every yr he gets older .. the less "toys" he has on his wishlist. Its so sad! He's almost not a "kid" anymore. I wonder when kids stop wanting balloons and hats and party favors that u blow into that make weird noises n crap. I dunno, I never stopped loving balloons. No one ever gets them for me on my bday anymore though and I cant seem to remember when that stopped.

If you havent done so already, plz take a look at my sons wishlist! It's the link on my profile under "wishlist", and there are sooo many cheap things on there between $10-20. Most things on the list u can buy used for half price or cheaper .. plz feel free to do so, my son is very used to getting used video games and stuff like that and could really care less. I just need help making his birthday special!

I'm trying to balance some sales and put ads out for small jobs here and there around town, but it's not working very well. I think I have to put school off again and start looking for a full time day job again. Ive already been lookin and its not looking good so far.

Im also really swamped with having to leave on the 17th to go to FL for a week, it sort of gets in the way of my money making or getting any interviews anytime soon. Then as soon as I return I have a friend coming into town from the netherlands, then my sons bday the day after. I know my son will be upset abt me being gone, and I wish my man and him could come with me. I wont be able to see any of my friends when I come down, which sucks .. but not as badly as the purpose of my visit. I dont want to think of this as the last time I will get to see my grandmother.

I miss sioux and beau, but Im glad gidgettes back.

~Who do YOU miss?
~Who misses YOU?
~Are YOU a "misses" or a "Mrs"?
~If you missed my sons wishlist u better go back and find it, lol

I love u guys. U know that.

I finally got my ticket to see my grams in october on the 17th and Im just ... soooo relieved. *sigh* I feel like there is a part of "ash" that has been pieced back together finally and it makes me feel more whole, more contempt. My internet isnt fixed yet, but Im still workin on gettin funds to do so. Patience, patience. Im now going to try to make weekly updates and reply to all my messages like I always do. Right now I am 3 journals behind and Im gettin on it asap!

I was suprised and very saddened that my dear friend Sioux decided to move on to bigger and better things, but Im more proud of her than ever. As long as she is still in my life in some manner I really dont think I will shed too many tears for her absence on the site.

My man has had a medical discharge and is back home now .. verrry long story. The army is not providing him a paycheck while hes gone but is providing him with insurance until he is "fit for duty" again, they say sometime between 3-6 months. Uhh .. wtf we are to do between now and then is beyond me, but .. we'll put our two genius brains together and conjure up something passable.

I am really excited abt my new shoot, which is very close to actually being capable of being done soon! Thanks to ALL of you who have bought things on my wishlist to help provide me with the items needed to do the set. I am only missing ONE piece to the puzzle now .. which is the most expensive thing .. that damn corset. BUT!! Great news!! Sioux says she saw the same corset for wholesale price thru a magazine she orders from! So I can just get it myself since its so dirt cheap!


***And u all know what this means right? Yep. My sons wishlist will go back up in its place. His birthday is at the very end of October and we could use *all* the help we can get! Hopefully my man can get unemployment and I will have found work by then. But there are sooo many cool things on his list and a LOT of them are cheap, many things around $10-20 so just pretty please take a look and help make a little boys birthday special!! xoxoxox I threw in a few extra special items that would probably impossible to recieve, but hey, it's *his* wishlist .. so I had to put up what he wanted even if I thought it wouldnt be possible, lol.

Having my man home and a way to see my gram has put the "ash" back in ASH, and I am sooooo back, baby! You dont even KNOW!

Id have questions written here if I didnt have several hundred posts to reply to, lol! xoxoxox

Im fuckin pissed, my home internet connection wont work, hasnt for weeks, and without my hubby and my son around, what else is there to DO without the net??! Gah! I'm still here, just working on switching carriers. Every place I go that has "freee wireless" has banned this site because of the nudity, how fuckin lame. I miss u all, and Im gonna try to hit up a friends house this week so that I can finally get back to replying to all my posts.
xoxoxo
~@sh

Well ... what can I say? We all have our defense mechanisms, some healthy, some not. I have both. Its hard to concentrate right now on anything but feeling so ... incomplete. I dont wanna do shit lately .. and to be honest, I havent done a damn thing. Laundry & dishes pile up, mail piles up, I dont wanna move ... absolutely nothing gets done anymore. I hope I snap out of it soon. I didnt go home for the first week after Will left, and when I did it was like torture. Everything at home reminds me of him, so I left again. I'm staying with my best friend and shes been wonderful.

I keep sitting down here, wanting to go thru and reply to my messages ... but my mood is never in the right place to do that. Right now, I dont feel like Ash , it's like I feel traces of Ash but a substantial part of my soul is . I miss all of you, and I genuinely *want* to reply to all of you .. but not when Im like this. I feel like I'm just not focused enough on positive energy to enable me to make even a halfway decent reply to your journals. I feel selfish for not being able to bring myself to do it just yet ... and I feel like a million yrs have passed since I've been in contact with any of my friends here. All I can say is ... Im sorry. I miss u guys. I just need some time to re gather my inner mental badassedness.

**Trivia question for you guys**

Who was the first Chicago sg?

Time is just tick tick ticking away now, I wish my perception of time would remain consistent throughout the day and NOT seem to pass quicker when Im enjoying myself and slower when Im not.

A lot has been happening in and around "my world", but its all just a blur of "incidents" that wrap up and intertwine until they form an enormous knot that sits nicely in the pit of my stomach and just rots there for quite some time.

I cant remember the last time I was just "ash", for the longest time now there's been another person attached to my soul as if they were just an extension of "ash". When times got excrutiatingly rough for me, all I had to do was put things into perspective: I've always felt that I'd be specifically given a very difficult life because of this "gift" I was given, the gift of a soul mate. A person cant have *everything*, you know. Some people are given the gift of a great family, some are given the gift of a great career & financial stability. I dont have stability or a family, but I have a soulmate .. yes, things have been shitty, but I still considered myself fortunate because every night I didnt sleep alone, or every time I felt bad I was hugged. Things are going to be a whole lot different without my other half. Im proud that he's joining the army and doing something for both himself and our family, but Im also just upset that he has to do this in the first place. If I had a nice career, this wouldnt have to happen.

I cant sleep lately. Well, I cant ever sleep unless I have weed, or pills, but right now I dont have either .. so I remain awake for several days straight until my body cant push any longer and I just collapse, knock right out for abt 10 hrs or so. I hate that "edgy" feeling I get at 4am, I feel like Im going to start laughing maniacally at any second because Im just so ANGRY abt being awake. Right now I just feel like Im bordering on the edge of hysteria, being choked by the invisible hand of fate.

My teeth still hurt. I thought they just hurt because they were re-adjusting to all the new room they have without the other teeth there to cramp their style, but it gets worse every day, no pill can help the amount of pain I feel from these fuckers. I think I caught dry socket. They gave me antibiotics, but I didnt have the money to fill them. Well, thats sort of not true .. I *did* have money for cigarettes, and I made the choice any addict would. "NO SMOKING AFTER U GET YOUR TEETH PULLED!" Ha, yeah right!

***Rant of the day*** You know what drives me nuts? English accents!! Yeah, I do realize that I speak ENGLISH and I should probably have NO problem understanding my own native language, but I was watching the movie "Children of Men" last night (takes place in brittain), and could NOT, for the LIFE of me, understand wtf they were saying 2/3rds of the time!! I have this problem when I play with my splinter cell squad on xbox live, too. Im the only american on my squad .. the rest of us elitist bastards are from the UK. I feel like such a dolt when Im speaking to them.

"so ash, whatdoyoudoforaliving?"
....
"... wait, what?"
"I *said*, WHAT do you DO for a LIVING?"
...
...
"uhhh ... come again?"

(repeat the back and forth "what?!" abt 3 more times before they eventually give up)

***2nd rant of the day!!*** There's too much sexism in the video game world today. Why is it always assumed that girls DONT play video games, or if they DO, they're not as good as guys?! I cant even begin to tell you how many times someone I played with was made fun of because they were "beaten by a girl". So who cares if Im a girl?



And now I leave you people for a short while. MY man leaves me on Wednesday, so I dont imagine I will be able to reply to messages until afterwards. I'd like to spend as much time with him as possible before he takes off. I'm sure you understand.

~You truly *do* find out who your real friends are in times of great desperation. Thank you, you know who you are~

It was nice to get out of the house for a change and visit with some friends, thank you Beau & Boss for a lovely time. Forgive my lack of posting as of late, honestly I've been rather down. A lot has been going on here in Ashland. My man is leaving me to go to the army in a couple wks and I will again be alone to raise my son for a fairly long time. I havent been without him for yrs now, so it'll be like losing a limb. School will start soon after and hopefully keep my mind preoccupied enough so that I dont lose it. Im still working on getting my ass to florida to see my Gram once more.

Heres some pics from the party last night, taken by The Boss.





Will n Ash sittin on a swing ...




The Boss and Ash are cooler than U



Beau and Ash telling poker secrets.

No questions for today, I will resume questioning and examinations when the time comes. Instead .. look at these photos and tell me what u think:




(think u can beat me? Then lets go ... gamertag- Maniacle Ash)

I normally dont update my blog until the week is up, but several things are propelling me to do so.

First because I apparently "goofed". My wishlist isnt just for ME, it's for the opportunity to create new photosets, so I kind of realize how selfish it sounds to say "I made a wishlist for myself" since I've never really been into the whole wishlist thing anyways, I reserve that for gifts for my son ... who needs a lot more than I do. I've made an exception because I simply cannot create a set out of the blue, it costs money to make a set because of all the expenses, so if ppl can at least help with the cost of the wardrobe items and props, well then that's all I really need. Of course everyone could use the money .. but photos for me have never really been abt just "money" so much as it is abt creating something and physical/visual expression. I look at my dated sets and I feel like I no longer represent everything Im capable of on this site. In fact .. no one really knows who I *am* when they look at those photos. It's abt time I start to crank out half a dozen sets that represent each side of ASH. The good, the bad .. even the ugly.

Today I received a package in the mail. This is a serious rarity for me, so it was exciting to see my name printed across the slender padded envelope. A book? Felt like one. From ... my grandma? Hmmm. Funny it would be from her ... its not my birthday, or any other special occaision .. tho even still I cant remember when I last received an actual gift from someone in the mail. Anyways ..
I opened the package to find ... hundreds of photos? They were photos of me. From the time I was born and up until adulthood and the ever many different HORRIBLY ugly and homely stages in between. I chuckled at first, thinking "why on EARTH would my grandmother be sending me these? Doesnt she WANT them anymore?"

And with that thought came the devistating reality of the situation. She was sending them to me because she knew she wouldn't be alive the next time I flew down to florida. My hands shook so uncontrollably that I dropped the ziplock bag of photos and watched them scatter abt the floor.

My first instinct was to collapse in a pile of tears on top of them like a pathetic old ragdoll that has finally lost her "stuffing". I'm not entirely certain if I'm more angry or saddened by this situation. It feels much to me like she has reached a point in life where she is putting up her white surrender flag, ready to "throw in the towel" so to speak. I suppose at her age she has every right, of course. What do *I* know of the pain that comes along with growing so old that each day is almost like a fight for your life? But this isnt my grandmother ... she's so much more than that. This woman and her loving husband (my grandfather) had sacrificed so many years of their lives raising my sister and I, years that should have been spent enjoying each other and life in peace, not with the hassle of 2 little orphaned brats to cause them grief and suffering. Not so much my sister, the family favorite ... but me, the hellion. I cant ever possibly express to her how much her sacrifices meant to me, even if it wasnt anywhere near what one would consider a "normal" life.

Not that Ive ever been able to relate to this girl EVER in all my days on this earth, but oddly enough .. I just wanted to call my sister. I knew as Grandmas "favorite" and given their wonderful relationship that she would know what I was feeling. It's just not "time" yet to have no one left at all, it just ISNT. It feels so wrong and unjust. I want to shake my grandmother or slap her or jesus even BEG her to just *try* the chemo. I know that watching your soul mate slowly dwindle away to practically nothing, yr after yr, that seeing what he went through when he passed is traumatic enough to be terrified to go thru with it yourself. I mean .. *sigh*. I know that. I understand it completely and not at all, which makes no sense. It hurts to think that her life is not fullfilling enough to fight through this ... not for herself, not for her family .. not for anyone. It's hard to accept that no one she loves today is worth fighting for.

I've always asked her if she thought of us girls as her "daughters" and not just "granddaughters" because I had always equated her to being my "mother" and hoped that she had felt the same. Back then, she didnt, or she had said so anyways. It hurt to hear that at the time, but I know now that she had only said that because even after my mother giving us up, she didnt want us to hate our mother or even stop hoping she would "come around". She knew how important it was for girls to have their mother around. How little girls always believe their mother is the most beautiful woman on earth, want to dress up like mom and walk around in her shoes that are 10 sizes too big and things of that nature. My grandma felt guilty. She would even send us things in the mail from our "mother" on every holiday and occaision ... until we were old enough to realize that it was always *her* all along. Bless her heart for trying so hard not to break ours.

My grandmother said in the hospital recently that she wished that "Debbie" could be contacted abt her serious condition. MY sister and I both wondered WHY she would even ask this, knowing that our "Mom" wouldnt even attend her own fathers funeral, and it would be a cold day in HELL before she ever attended her mothers. My sister was brave enough to track her down to deliver the news as my grandmother had requested. Gram just wanted to say goodbye, thats all. But we were right, "Debbie" gave no reply and showed absolutely NO emotion what so ever. She did not ask my sister how she was. She did not ask what she had been doing all these yrs. She did not ask abt me.

And what have I been doing here in chicago all these yrs, away from my "family"? (Or rather, whats left of it.) Well not much, really. Nothing substantial. Nothing of interest. Nothing to make anyone proud. Just here to AVOID everyone and every thing, wasting away basically. I'm pissed that I just spent my grandmothers last few yrs away from her ... doing NOTHING. I could have done NOTHING by her side, at the very least. I dont want my grandmother to die thinking that she had failed because I cant succeed, I wanted her to remember me as someone who might have given her a hard time for most my life .. but turned out "ok" afterall. Theres no time to change her mind now, which has really caused me to re-examine my current situation and really THINK abt everything thats gone wrong and why.

I really need to be in florida now. I know that even if I do get there before her time, I wont want to leave, which is obviously an impossibility. I mean ... how do u just ... say goodbye and just leave?

I dont normally get this personal abt anything in my journal. But I guess thats what a JOURNAL is for. Getting thoughts out. I will probably change this very soon ... but I just needed it to be written.

I've been having this re-occuring dream the last few nights where I am so unstable that I've actually been institutionalized. Whats even more weird is that in every dream ... they medicate me by feeding me this weird pinkish-grey paste, which I guess is also how they feed us in this odd psyche ward. Medicated food paste. Awesome!

School starts on the 24th and I havent done my financial aid papers, so I guess I'll have to start in 6 wks when the next class starts. It sucks, but that also gives me more time to examine my situtation and find out if this really is the school I want, or if a cheaper school will suffice.

I made a wishlist for myself ... yes ME! It's only going up for a short time because there are things on it that I actually *need* in order to do another photo set .. and make some much needed money! If and when I get these items, my sons wishlist will go back up in place of mine. I know u might be thinking "wtf do u *need* to do a photoset besides YOU?" Well a shitload! The costs of getting everything prepared and the props and wardrobe can cost an eye and a leg. To make $ u must spend $, right? Well yes ... unless you're like me and have no $ to begin with

U know u wanna help Ash get nekkid

Wishlist items covered=2 new Ash sets! Can we get a ?

If my modem doesnt get fixed soon, I will have to move into one of your homes to use yours daily, I hope thats ok. But seriously .. I do so apologize greatly for the serious LAG in replying to comments lately but I swear it's not my fault! Really! Would I leave YOU? Cmon now. Seriously.

Q's

~What makes u happy in times of shittiness?
~Are u driven to create things (as far as art, music, or what have you) in times of great stress? Or does great stress make you unable to create things?
~Could you fall in love with someone without meeting them in real life? How abt over xbox live? lol (I've been gaming online too much lately)
~True or false: You are nice to everyone u meet.

Dont u hate when u say something and ppl misinterpret what u were saying and think it was something negative when REALLY that wasnt your intent at all? Apparently I do this a lot, and I seriously dont mean to! I'm friendly, really! It's not just the internet, either ... I do this in real life, too. Now, I wonder at times if its *me* who is communicating wrong or if the person Im communicating with is just extra sensitive or maybe paranoid? Who knows!

After a HUGE blowout with several family members, Ive decided that there is a *lot* in my life I need to change. I just feel ... stuck. I need to finish school, which takes 12 months if I go *full time*. However, I cant find a job that doesnt conflict with my school hours, and I need to make money somehow, obviously. Now if I go part time ... it'll take me twice as long and I will be stuck in this horrid living situation for extra long, which isnt really a great environment for my son. Plus, if I go to school part time .. I can only WORK part time, which isnt enough to cover my bills anyways! It's like a catch 22 situation, I dont know wtf to do abt it. But sitting here doing NOTHING abt it doesnt help either, gah!

I wish life came with a REFERENCE book that you could use to look up individual problems and the solution would be clearly written out for you. I might just make that book, damnit.


q's
~What are some tips u can offer for making money? (besides the obvious "get a job")
~What types of sets would u like to see from girls on this site? Do u prefer skinny models or thicker models?
~What kind of "style" attracts u in another person?

Here's the link to our video, we are going to *try* to win in June, though the contest in June is MUCH more broad since the contest is for "2 girls doing *anything*", so our competition will be more fierce this time around!

Sioux & Ash~ "Closer" video

Well the May contest is over, and unfortunately ... Sioux and I did NOT win for our make out video. Just for shits, if u want to see it ... Best makeout video EVER

I must admit, I am a bit dissapointed, considering the amount of time, effort, and creativity that went into our video. The production quality of our video was superb, thanks tobinaryZen, and I thought our video was very unique. It will always be the winner in my head

Congrats everyone!

p.s. I would like to thank those of u who left comments on the video to help it win, and for those of u who didnt ... shame on you!

In case u were wondering which videos were better than ours, here are the Video winners for May:

and


And yes, we have tagged our video for the JUNE contest as well, however .. the video contest for June is MUCH more vague, so we probably have even less of a chance of winning in June since we have NO idea what these crazy girls will come up with.