Well I lost one of my good buddies the other day. My Buddy Berlin (AKA~ Buddy B), one of my favorite rats. Though I try not to play favorites, this little guy and I had a very special relationship. He was the only rat here at my house that was a free ranger. That morning he crawled out of his cage and dragged himself across the living room to the couch I was laying on, climbed up the back of it ... and just kinda collapsed into my arms, totally out of breath. He felt kind of cold to the touch, and his breathing was just terrible. I've lost 80% of my rats to upper respiratory issues, theyre quite common and most of the time they come on quite suddenly and there isnt much you can do. I knew he wouldnt have made it to the vet. He passed away just a few minutes later, the poor little guy.

Here's a photo of him as a very young lad ...



And heres one of my favorites of him being goofy ...



I hate Thanksgiving. I really dont like holidays that have anything to do with family, unless the word "family" is defined as me, my man, and my son. My friends have always been my substitute "family", which is why I value them more than most ppl value their friendships. I spent my Thanksgiving with my best friend and her family, and they're great ppl so it was a good night.

My heat is broken, the kitchen and bathroom sinks are stopped up, the downstairs toilet doesnt flush, theres no electricity in the other half of the house, and my ceiling looks like it's caving in. I hate my landlord!! He never gets shit taken care of! We didnt have a stove for almost 8 months one yr!

Q''s

~Tell me something you have taken for granted recently
~What is your most recent "loss"?
~Mmmm .. thats delicious! Wtf is that?

Relationships can be really complex. I remember being a different "Ash" seemingly not that long ago. I have always been an independant girl, my childhood directed me in that way. A "sink or swim" type of scenario. I didn't mind, really. I felt stronger that way. I knew at a young age that u could only depend on yourself, that you didnt *need* anyone to rely on ... or maybe that there wasnt anyone u could rely on. I tried to help my "co-dependant" friends, the ones who *always* needed a bf/gf or the ones who latched onto a family member of friend and couldnt bear to be without them. Sometimes ppl dont realize they have the strength to stand on their own because they've never had to before, they've always had this ... crutch. There was always someone to pick them up, brush them off, and send them on their way to their next disaster. Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat.

I dont remember when I stopped feeling like the strongest woman in the world, but it happened around the time I found my true love. Suddenly, I needed MORE than just myself to continue. It made me feel weak, I didnt like it. I wondered if this was something that you inevitably have to give up when you find your soulmate ... your independance. No longer is it just "Ash", it's "Ash & her double". You notice your friends stop calling you (unless they, too, are coupled up) so you begin to rely more and more on this person. Before you know it ... u cant imagine life without them.

Is it possible to remain independant once you've fallen in love? Yeah, yeah, I'm not talking abt having your *own* friends or going out without them occaisionally, or being your own person ... but what I mean is, can you help *needing* them?

If you do "need" someone, does that make you weak?

What if that person dissapears for a lengthy period of time? Do you re-learn how to become the good 'ol independant person u once were, or do you fall apart because of this new way of life you've known for so long?


~@sh

This is what I've been up to lately. I give shoulder rides to various rodents that are scattered abt my facility. It's quite fun, actually. This is Luxor, a big fat mammas boy. Right now he is currently very ill, and might be ready to pass, which is heartbreaking. I'm doing my best to keep him comfortable and medicated, but he hasn't got a lot of fight left in him and ... well ... you just *know* your animals.

I've been working on some sculptures of heads ... a project idea Ive toyed with for too long. These heads will be custom made for each individual. There are some of you that I have in mind that will be receiving them because you have helped me a lot in some of the most desperate of times, and since I'm not in a financially great position right now the only thing I have to offer you is my time and semi-talent. You can really only appreciate these pieces if you have a passion/interest for really bizzarre art. These heads are made of just abt any material you can think of. I will post pics soon when I complete my first batch of them.


Now, for those of you who know me ... here comes my specialty. For those of you who dont ... let me explain. I'm obsessed with people, all kinds of ppl. I want to know you. I want to know what's in your head. I want to analyze everything, including YOU! I also want to make ppl *THINK*. Get those gears moving.

Will you open your true self up?

Questions:

~There is usually someone in everyones life that they never forget, never stop thinking abt. You want to say things to them, but perhaps you cannot. Or perhaps you did? Who is this person? What would you (or did you) want to say to them? What was the outcome?

~Are you still living in the place you were born? If so, why? If not, what were the factors that brought you elsewhere?

~ If u were to become famous and you had kids ... would u try to keep them out of the spotlight or push them towards it?

~What are u wearing right NOW?

Ya know, I miss everyone here. Im not even sure if most of my ppl are still here, but it's worth a shot. Ive been gone waaay too long. Things for me lately have been rather unfortunate, and Ive decided that Im going to use this blog regularly to really get some of this negativity and frustration OUT. Yeah, I might not be the optimistic ash Ive always been, but Im not going to fake it either. Some of you will love me, some of you will hate me ... but it matters not. The only thing that matters is that I stay *real*, a quality that many of you said was one of my best.

I've gotten fired from my last 3 jobs, 3 different reasons. Ive never been fired before coming to this city. I have decided that management is NOT for me, I need to stick to my passion no matter HOW unrealistic it is. My meds have made me gain weight, and for that I am obviously not pleased .... but it only gives me another excuse to go back to kick boxing. I just bought another heavy weight bag and Im ready to bash the hell out of it to release some of this pent up aggression and at the same time lose some of the weight Ive put on from being so depressed. Its very theraputic.

No more bullshit, Im back this time for good. I cant runaway from everything anymore.

And MAN this site has CHANGED! I wonder if I will still love it the way I used to before. We'll just have to see!!

Bam! Get ready, Im on a rampage! My usual blog questions will resume once Im in the "swing of things" again.
xoxoxo

~@sh

update ...

to everyone who has applied to the models grp: i havent approved anyone because i havent been here in months. im in the process of finding a new owner. please be patient while i approve the hundreds of requests for entry.

to my friends: im thankful for those who have not forgotten me, even after so long. the truth is ... it pains me to be here. when i come, i am reminded of the days when i actually had time to converse and enjoy all of you ... and now i barely have time to eat, sleep and shower. these 70 hour work weeks are draining the soul right out of me. i want to quit so badly but i cant go back to that horrid place i was at when i couldnt afford to eat. it seems there is only one extreme or the other, no happy medium.

i wish i had good news to report.

please know that i am not ignoring any of you. if you've emailed me at my yahoo address, i forgot my password and have since moved onto gmail. i cant check my sg messages at work because the site is blocked.

anyone need baby rats? you know you do! frauleinash@gmail.com

i shall return

Omg, she lives!


But just barely. I apologize to all my friends here for not being around, I miss this place. A *lot* has happened in the last few months. A lot of life changing events have taken place.

Im finally working now ... 60 + hours a week. I come home, and go right to sleep. Then I wake up ... and go to work again. Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat. What a life, eh? Ive finally got money to solve my many financial troubles ... but Im not really sure if that makes this all worth it or not. We'll see. If I could just get in the groove of it all, then maybe I wouldnt feel like Im just wasting my life away.

I dont have time for the things I love anymore. If I could train my body to not need so much sleep, I think I could make things much better. To have 4-6 hours of "Ash time" a day would be an amazing thing, and I think having more time for the things that make me happy is exactly what I need to make my life feel worthwhile.

Theres so much more to say ... so many things have happened, but I cant just cram it all into this entry. I will say, however, that my replies to your posts will be limitted only to the posts that actually *require* a response. Dont take this the wrong way, please. For years, I have responded to every single post Ive gotten ... but I simply dont have the time anymore.

Now, I am going to try to commit to once a week journal entries. Is that fair?


q's
~What things make you the most happy in life?
~How do you spend your free time?
~How do you make more time for the things you love?
~When was the last time you had a breakfast buffet? Because I could really use something like that
~What was your favorite toy as a kid?

Uhg, apologies to my friends here, but my monitor is now shot to hell and I am without my computer until I get another one. Such my luck! Grr .. I need my computer for business purposes and job hunting!


I cant reply to my comments until I get another monitor since I have to borrow ppl's computers right now. It'll be worth the wait, Ill think of a way to make it up to you's


People sometimes ask me why I have questions at the bottom of my journals. There are several reasons why. Sometimes I bring up topics that are of interest to me and Id really like to know what other ppl think on the subject. I guess those are my little sociological experiements.

Other times I am looking for help on a situation/problem and I need several different views.

Then there are times where I simply want you people to think, I mean really *think* abt something. I just want to bring it to your attention because I feel it's something more ppl should know abt/think abt. I like to get ppl's brains working.

And there you have it

q's
~Tell me something you can do well. It can be more than one thing
~Tell me something that makes you happy, no matter what kind of mood you're in.
~Tell me something you learned today

Oh man, I hadnt realized how long I've been away. It just seems like there isnt enough time in the day anymore. I have to pick and choose which important things are going to be done and which arent. And I cant remember the last time I actually had FUN on the agenda.

Still job hunting, but I bought myself some *time*. I got a few commissions for paintings, so that will help IMMENSELY while I continue my search. Problem is .. Ive never felt so un-inspired in my life. Its driving me CRAZY! I almost feel like .. like Im not an artist anymore. Where has all my creativity gone? Where's my PASSION?



My head hurts. I must go lay down.

q's
~Please post an image that you love ... photo or painting, or whatever u feel like. I need inspiration

So how was everyone's holiday? I hope it SUCKED!!! MUAHAHAH!!! jk, haha! No, really .. I am!

I didnt wanna come back here without good news to report. But, Ive learned that I cant stay away for the rest of my life, so here I am ... Im back. With no good news to report. So Im not reporting. At least .. not abt my life.



This is the NEW YEARS addition of Ash's journal. I need your complete attention and full cooperation, please.

I need to hear 10 things you want (and are HONESTLY going to TRY to make happen) this year. Please, lets keep these things within the realm of possibility. I dont wanna hear "I'd like to become a millionare" unless you honestly think that you have the power to do that. If you DO .. then plz leave your phone number as well. hahha. Its not what you're thinking Im sure. I just need a small loan, thats all

And just for shits, here are my ten things:

1~ *Get a job*
2~ Get a roomate
3~ Get a dog
4~ Get a gun
5~ Fire the gun many times
6~ Find more time for my creativity (music, art, shows, photography/modeling, etc)
7~ lose this fuckin massive weight I gained (this should be number 1)
8~ Heal these damn nipple piercings already, geez
9~ Get a more reliable car
10~ Expand my networks, meet more ppl

Oh yeah baby, '06 is my year. I can FEEL it