This morning, my worst enemy was sitting at the foot of my bed.

Sobriety: "Good morning, ASH!!" (loud cackle!)

Ash: "ohhhh GAWWWD, not YOU!" (rolls over & covers head w/pillow in an attempt to try and hide)

Sobriety: "MUAHAHAH!! Not yet, u dont! I'll be here ALLL DAAAYYY!!"

Awww maaan.

(((((fast forward to now))))))


I've made promises this yr to be more social and become a better fighter. I know, I know .. u guys all probably thought it didnt GET any better than this, but oddly enough, it does. I also want to find a way to get back in school before the yr ends, I think I'll figure something out before then. I also need to re-build my portfolio once and for all.

What a nightmare this election yr has been. I wish I could force myself to LIKE every candidate just so I would be happy with whoever won, but that's not easy. I'm so used to the one I hate the MOST ending up with the win, why change that pattern NOW?

Q's
~Have u had your wisdom teeth removed? If so, how'd it go? If not, how do u feel abt this prospect?
~true or false: If today was opposite day, and the opposite of black was white (and vice versa) ... then what color would a cue ball be? The answer is white. (Really? Oh yeah, smarty pants? Then tell me how u came to *that* conclusion?)
~write your last will and testament.
~What is your concept of "luxury"?



Its penguin bot! Where do I get one of these?

It's been a while since I updated, so apologies for that. Holidays were insanely busy 'round here, and after that my wonderful long time friend Snottlebocket came over to visit me from the Netherlands, so that was really fun to actually meet him in person after talking to him almost every day for hrs and hrs for the last 4 yrs I *love* to show ppl how incredible chicago is. Who else wants a tour?

Aside from that, I would really love to publicly thank a very awesome friend of mine who I think has a huge heart, and that's Schiavona for helping to make my sons xmas extra extra special this yr. i dont even know what to say, except maybe the biggest thank you in all the land. I *did* receive a late gift for him like, yesterday or the day before .. which was totally cool and unexpected, HOWEVER ... the person didnt leave a note telling me who it was!


~Now I know you're all perfect as it is, but just in the rare case you *might* want to change something in the new yr, Im really curious as to what that is.

~How many friends of the same sex do you have? Do you think it's essential to have friends of the same sex to bullshit with/have a good time with?

~And the ever-burning question: Do you think men or women need to feel attracted to someone of the opposite sex in order to befriend them? I've heard many ppl say this, particularly abt men. Not that *all* of them are like this but that the majority of them are. It kind of makes u wonder who is *really* your friend.

I think I could just EXPLODE from the natural high I am feeling from the events that have happened in the past week!! For starters ..



I was sitting here with the t.v on, and heard familiar music on a commercial. At first I was angered because I *thought* someone had stolen the music to my favorite movie of all time, but THEN I realized that it wasn't another movie ... it was a NEW release of the movie as a final cut!!! I must have this!!

The second event that made me happy ... a new set from Scarlett! Not only have I always had a thing for the name Scarlett, but Scarlett was one of the girls that made me want to join this community. Extra plus=oriental theme, jesus I could've had a heart attack that day.

NOT ready for xmas. Nope. I wish I had $500 and another month, lol. Then *maybe* I'd be ready. And just in case there are last minute miracle workers out there that want to make a little boys dreams come true, it's never too late to visit Little B-mans wishlist here: B's wishlist! And if that doesnt work, lookup by email: coderabies@yahoo.com

I always love getting late gifts, it's actually really cool when u *think* all the fun is over, but then you get these "suprises" sometimes a week or even 2 wks later.

~Who do u spend your holidays with?
~What are your thoughts on buying gifts for your pets (or ppl that do)?
~Who is someone you might see on xmas that you'd prefer not to? And of course, may I ask *why*?

Aaah, the holidays. Such a stressful time for most of us. But for us parents it does give us some really happy moments when our kids rip open their gifts on xmas morning like a pack of wild savages. Thank the gods that I only have *one* spawn to watch out for. However, I'm sort of worried every year that I wont be able to "pull it off", so to speak. As a mamma u always want to make your kids the happiest possible, and create warm memories for them. There is nothing I want more for xmas than for my son to have the best xmas possible.

So, as I have done in the past when I've been down and out, I make a wishlist for my son and put it on SG for anyone that might possibly have a few extra dollars to make a little boy *very* happy. I need all the help I can get this yr since I am unemployed. Most of the things on the list are inexpensive (under or around $20) but there are a few things on there that he specifically asked for that are quite impossible for me to get him ... but I listed them in hopes that Santa might read this and lend a helping hand, plus I sent the list to our family, too. You can view the list (I think) by going to this link: Little B's wishlist

If that link didn't work, just go to Amazon.com and do a wishlist search for coderabies@yahoo.com, it'll pop up then. God, I am so computer illiterate sometimes I appreciate any contributions that u guys might have ... more than you'll ever know.


I'd like to know ...

~What your feelings are abt this holiday? It can be abt this particular xmas, or just xmas in general, and/or u could just tell me abt a memory u have that pertains to xmas (good or bad)

~Tell me something non-materialistic that you'd want for xmas, assuming miracles are possible.

~What's the best gift you've ever gotten for xmas?

~Who's the least likely person you could spend this holiday with but would be the person you'd *most* want to?


I'll be back, so u better get ready

~whew~

13 out of 16 rats are pretty healthy, 2 of them are practically on their death beds and are relying soley on ME to keep them alive. One of them, Gunther, is my mans #1 favorite and I wouldnt even know how to break it to him if he passed, the other one is mammas little angel, Luxor, who can be seen on my shoulder just a few entries back. Hes the only rat Ive taken photos *with*, hehe. The other rat in bad health has cancerous tumours and there's nothing we can do, she is well over 3, which is like being 90 something in human yrs, so we are expecting her to go. But Gunther and Luxor aren't even 2 yet, which scares me ... Im not prepared for them to leave us just yet.

Gunther, our alpha rat:



One of my best friends pandorial and I were talking abt something very interesting today ... abt how there are certain things abt us all that no one, maybe not even our close friends, would guess in a million yrs. I know I certainly have them, so Im sure all of you do, too.

~Tell me 3 odd facts abt yourself that no one would guess by lookin at you/knowing you
~My 4 yr anniversary for being on this site is coming up in december. How long have YOU been here? What made u join?
~Do you think ppl have "online personalities" and "real life" personalities that differ from one another? How can u tell if the person u talk to online is being "real" with you?

Well I lost one of my good buddies the other day. My Buddy Berlin (AKA~ Buddy B), one of my favorite rats. Though I try not to play favorites, this little guy and I had a very special relationship. He was the only rat here at my house that was a free ranger. That morning he crawled out of his cage and dragged himself across the living room to the couch I was laying on, climbed up the back of it ... and just kinda collapsed into my arms, totally out of breath. He felt kind of cold to the touch, and his breathing was just terrible. I've lost 80% of my rats to upper respiratory issues, theyre quite common and most of the time they come on quite suddenly and there isnt much you can do. I knew he wouldnt have made it to the vet. He passed away just a few minutes later, the poor little guy.

Here's a photo of him as a very young lad ...



And heres one of my favorites of him being goofy ...



I hate Thanksgiving. I really dont like holidays that have anything to do with family, unless the word "family" is defined as me, my man, and my son. My friends have always been my substitute "family", which is why I value them more than most ppl value their friendships. I spent my Thanksgiving with my best friend and her family, and they're great ppl so it was a good night.

My heat is broken, the kitchen and bathroom sinks are stopped up, the downstairs toilet doesnt flush, theres no electricity in the other half of the house, and my ceiling looks like it's caving in. I hate my landlord!! He never gets shit taken care of! We didnt have a stove for almost 8 months one yr!

Q''s

~Tell me something you have taken for granted recently
~What is your most recent "loss"?
~Mmmm .. thats delicious! Wtf is that?

Relationships can be really complex. I remember being a different "Ash" seemingly not that long ago. I have always been an independant girl, my childhood directed me in that way. A "sink or swim" type of scenario. I didn't mind, really. I felt stronger that way. I knew at a young age that u could only depend on yourself, that you didnt *need* anyone to rely on ... or maybe that there wasnt anyone u could rely on. I tried to help my "co-dependant" friends, the ones who *always* needed a bf/gf or the ones who latched onto a family member of friend and couldnt bear to be without them. Sometimes ppl dont realize they have the strength to stand on their own because they've never had to before, they've always had this ... crutch. There was always someone to pick them up, brush them off, and send them on their way to their next disaster. Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat.

I dont remember when I stopped feeling like the strongest woman in the world, but it happened around the time I found my true love. Suddenly, I needed MORE than just myself to continue. It made me feel weak, I didnt like it. I wondered if this was something that you inevitably have to give up when you find your soulmate ... your independance. No longer is it just "Ash", it's "Ash & her double". You notice your friends stop calling you (unless they, too, are coupled up) so you begin to rely more and more on this person. Before you know it ... u cant imagine life without them.

Is it possible to remain independant once you've fallen in love? Yeah, yeah, I'm not talking abt having your *own* friends or going out without them occaisionally, or being your own person ... but what I mean is, can you help *needing* them?

If you do "need" someone, does that make you weak?

What if that person dissapears for a lengthy period of time? Do you re-learn how to become the good 'ol independant person u once were, or do you fall apart because of this new way of life you've known for so long?


~@sh

This is what I've been up to lately. I give shoulder rides to various rodents that are scattered abt my facility. It's quite fun, actually. This is Luxor, a big fat mammas boy. Right now he is currently very ill, and might be ready to pass, which is heartbreaking. I'm doing my best to keep him comfortable and medicated, but he hasn't got a lot of fight left in him and ... well ... you just *know* your animals.

I've been working on some sculptures of heads ... a project idea Ive toyed with for too long. These heads will be custom made for each individual. There are some of you that I have in mind that will be receiving them because you have helped me a lot in some of the most desperate of times, and since I'm not in a financially great position right now the only thing I have to offer you is my time and semi-talent. You can really only appreciate these pieces if you have a passion/interest for really bizzarre art. These heads are made of just abt any material you can think of. I will post pics soon when I complete my first batch of them.


Now, for those of you who know me ... here comes my specialty. For those of you who dont ... let me explain. I'm obsessed with people, all kinds of ppl. I want to know you. I want to know what's in your head. I want to analyze everything, including YOU! I also want to make ppl *THINK*. Get those gears moving.

Will you open your true self up?

Questions:

~There is usually someone in everyones life that they never forget, never stop thinking abt. You want to say things to them, but perhaps you cannot. Or perhaps you did? Who is this person? What would you (or did you) want to say to them? What was the outcome?

~Are you still living in the place you were born? If so, why? If not, what were the factors that brought you elsewhere?

~ If u were to become famous and you had kids ... would u try to keep them out of the spotlight or push them towards it?

~What are u wearing right NOW?

Ya know, I miss everyone here. Im not even sure if most of my ppl are still here, but it's worth a shot. Ive been gone waaay too long. Things for me lately have been rather unfortunate, and Ive decided that Im going to use this blog regularly to really get some of this negativity and frustration OUT. Yeah, I might not be the optimistic ash Ive always been, but Im not going to fake it either. Some of you will love me, some of you will hate me ... but it matters not. The only thing that matters is that I stay *real*, a quality that many of you said was one of my best.

I've gotten fired from my last 3 jobs, 3 different reasons. Ive never been fired before coming to this city. I have decided that management is NOT for me, I need to stick to my passion no matter HOW unrealistic it is. My meds have made me gain weight, and for that I am obviously not pleased .... but it only gives me another excuse to go back to kick boxing. I just bought another heavy weight bag and Im ready to bash the hell out of it to release some of this pent up aggression and at the same time lose some of the weight Ive put on from being so depressed. Its very theraputic.

No more bullshit, Im back this time for good. I cant runaway from everything anymore.

And MAN this site has CHANGED! I wonder if I will still love it the way I used to before. We'll just have to see!!

Bam! Get ready, Im on a rampage! My usual blog questions will resume once Im in the "swing of things" again.
xoxoxo

~@sh