'Tis the season to be ... afraid of cops! They're freakin everywhere! Crime goes sky high during the holidays so I can understand the need for extra protection, but when u bend the rules like I do this isn't exactly the best time of year.

You never know how terribly ALONE u truly are until something traumatic happens and u need the help of someone else. We were pulled over for expired tags and the cop arrested my man & had the car towed. I wasn't dressed for the weather, so I stood outside by the payphone at this gas station trying to think of *someone* to call to come get me.The ONLY person who could help in this situation didn't answer .. I searched my mind for ANY other possibility for someone to call, and came up with no one. I was far from home, freezing, and I just felt soooo alone. I could think of a dozen ppl to call if I was still in Tampa, but alas, I am not. That night really got me thinking abt my life and the direction it's going. After bailing my man out, paying for the tow and fines .. we are completely broke. Thanks for the xmas present, Mr. Police officer. My kid will *really* remember xmas '09 thanks to you. Bastard.

With no family, one tends to create a "family" of their own out of a group of ppl they love. I have always relied on my friends my whole life as sort of a "surrogate" family. Without them, honestly, I am nothing. I am not strong, I am not happy, I am just not "me".

Well, every yr I put up my sons xmas list on my profile because I don't make much $ and I really could use the help (THIS YR ESPECIALLY). Plz take a look if u can, there are some *really* cheap things on the list if u buy them USED (even if u don't there are cheap things!). This year especially SUCKS because the $$ we were going to use for xmas got spent on Cook county cops. My sons wishlist, take a peek!!

If for some reason the link doesnt work (because I *am* kind of a moron, lol) then u can easily find it under my old email address by doing a wishlist search: lustchance9@yahoo.com

I hope everyone is doing well during this crazy ass holiday season and we all make it out ALIVE!!

Q's
~When was the last time u were pulled over by a cop while driving? What happened?
~Do you buy animals xmas gifts?
~What is the BEST gift you ever got for xmas?
~What was the best gift you think YOU ever purchased for someone ELSE?

See u soon I miss you guys (and u know who u are!)

I can't even believe what's going on. I'm actually quite a bit in shock as I write this. My man *just* found work after seeking it for over 8 months. He found a job 3 weeks ago, worked 2 weeks, and was laid off yesterday along with 39 other recruited ppl because the agency who hired them "over-hired". They chose the ppl to lay off at random, NOT based on performance.

For the first time in almost a year I felt like things were going to get back to "normal", whatever the hell that means, as if I've ever had a life like that. And *why* they couldn't have done this a few weeks later, maybe .. I dunno ... AFTER my sons birthday is beyond me.

I don't even know what to feel yet. I'm so full of rage and confusion and fear of what's to come, all mixed up with all kinds of other related feelings, goddamnit I could just PUKE.

I felt so great that this year we would have an amazing party for my son, along with getting him some awesome stuff, and best of all .. I didn't *need* anyone else to make it happen. I was happy that for the first time in 7 years I could actually buy my husband a fucking xmas present! Well, I guess if he finds work soon the xmas thing could still work.

And then I realized yesterday ... that the journals I posted before my last one had the WRONG WISH LIST posted for my son, ugh. That was *my* wishlist from a long time ago, his real wishlist is posted now. If you could HELP (there's that word I freakin hate again) please take a look at it, there are some cheap things on there.

I'm sorry, but today ... I'm just not myself. I can't think of any questions to ask. Except maybe "why?"

I'm trying to get used to my new way of life around here,but it's pretty boring. I guess I'll look for work until I can figure out how to get back into school.

How time does fly, my sons birthday is almost here ... AGAIN! I feel like it was just here a few months ago. Every year it gets harder and harder to buy for him because he gets too old for "toys". Well "toys" are cheaper than computers and video game systems, lol. He's turning TWELVE, aak!

Every year I put my sons wishlist up on my wishlist section, his bday is October 25th and there are of course some pretty cheap things on there along with his requests that he probably knows our family cannot afford, but if you could help our family out ... take a peek at it!

*IMPORTANT*
I *always* buy used items on amazon if I can, it saves a lot of cash and he never minds at all.

I've been going to the gym, trying to get back down to my normal weight. Ever since I started school I've been so busy and I have gotten lazy I suppose. And also a bit antisocial! I never thought I'd stop socializing, whether it be here online or in real life ... I'm the kind of person who needs to keep in touch with ppl and meet new folks (oh no, did I just say the word "folks"?)

q's
~Do you have any kids yourself? If so, age? Names? If not .. do u plan to?
~What kind of person are you ... the type who thinks a spotless house is a sign of not getting out and living your life to the fullest? Or the type who can't stand the thought of the words "germ" or "dirt"?
~What do you think keeps you in a straight line? Or maybe .. the thing that makes you "keep going" in life when you want to quit?
~Are u starting to think I'm overanalyzing alll of you? lol Because I totally am.

**If any of u have requested my friendship on xbox live, plz accompany the request with a message so that I know who the hell you are!** Gamertag~ Maniacle Ash

Welllll ... the temp agency that screwed us over is still MIA and wont return any of my calls. Their business is so damn illegitimate that I'm calling the Better business beau-rough, I swear their operation was *sooo* shady you almost wondered how they could get away with doing business this way! I wondered HOW in the hell they even GOT business but I suppose the ppl that need their services don't see the inner workings or know how badly the employees AND *they* themselves are getting screwed! I was going to save our checks so they could cancel them and hopefully send us the CORRECT ones with all the hours we worked, but I needed the money so decided to cash them. Ooops! I mean .. I *tried* to cash them. These checks wont be touched by *any* bank or check cashing facility from here to mars. Great. I have ONE last hope .. and I'm working on it now.

Well I'm very very VERY distraught. I got kicked out of cosmetology school and lost my one and only chance for an $18,000 grant to attend. I could not get my car fixed in time. Gosh I don't deal with stress well and it's tearing me apart. This was MY DREAM and it was finally happening. Ahh well. Everything happens 4 a reason, and when my man starts his new job on the 28th ... we wouldn't have been able to make both things work anyways with only one car, so I guess it wasn't meant to be. But ... what now? I don't know an alternative. But now I have what, 6 days to come up with the other $300 or else my man won't have a job, so I guess I'd better focus on that for now.

I can't remember the last time I got 4 hrs of sleep in a row. I know that it's extremely, shockingly, amazingly, phenomenally for me to at least get 4 hrs of sleep in a row for many health reasons. First off, I can't even fall asleep without a sleep aid and I hate those and dont wanna rely on them. Secondly, when I DO fall asleep, I just wake up every hr or two for .. ?? FOR WHAT??

Q's

~What does it mean when you wake up all the time like that, does anyone know? I know my health has got to be rotten as hell because I seriously am not lying when I state that I cannot remember the last time I got 4 hrs of sleep in a row.
~When you feel like you're gonna EXPLODE or destroy everything out of unfairness and the inability the deal with the piling amount of STRESS that you deal with consistently (which only seems to get worse, am I right?) ... please, for god or someones sake, please ... tell me how you can deal with it. Are there any things that help you focus and not let things get u sooo down that you can't pull yourself up again? I'm uhhh .. asking for a friend.

I love you guys, u rock.

If you have the time to view a really just downright nonsensical video that is probably the most retarded thing you've ever seen, but you have a great sense of humor and want to laugh yourself out of your chair, go to this link (sorry I have no idea how to embed it here) SHOES!!

Ohhh it's so nice to have the internet back after having the phone/net cut off for abt a week for not being able to pay the bill. I cannot LIVE without having access to the net ... u forget just how often u use it until it's gone! Like when you're abt to go somewhere you've never been before, normally you'd use mapquest. Or! When you really need cash and want to know where the closest five pawnshops are to your house. OR, if you're experiencing some weird ass symptoms and you want to lookup what kind of reasoning there is behind them? Oh, so many other reasons to NEED the net!

Remember when I said when something goes wrong with your 10 yr old car, things will just CONTINUE to go wrong weekly/bi-weekly thereafter? Well I speak the truth. First the axle/wheel, strut mount/2 flat tires and a flat spare on the same night, then starter/battery, and NOW fuel pump and break pads, among other small issues. You start thinking "Man, maybe I just need another car" but then you start to think abt how much damn MONEY you *just* put into your car ... and u just don't know what to do.

So my man finally landed a job, but they keep pushing back his start date and making him jump through hoops, it's a shit job but he's still gonna keep looking for something better but hell, at least we know that *eventually* this hell of a life is going to end.

This is long, so ..

Shit, there's so much to say and so little time .. I hate tryping long journals because no one ever reads them. So Here is where I stop.

Q's
~Hey baby, whats your sign?
~Hey, do you even believe in that crap? (the whole astrological sign stuff)
~Name 3 movies I absolutely HAVE to see right this very moment!! (YOU all must see: District 9, The Onion Movie, Slumdog Millionaire)

COMING SOON ... an actual update that doesn't take a month to write!!

Jesus, I can't even believe my eyes when I checked the date of my last journal post here. Has it really come to this? I remember getting so much joy on here from all the fun I had that I wanted to post every other day just because I loved to get my thoughts out .. but figured that if I didnt at least write once a WEEK it wouldnt give most people enough time to read what was going on in my life, so decided on the 1x a week thing. Now it's not even once a month? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?

It's been really difficult to come back here to my page and NOT see my favorite faces that I loved so much. Ppl come and go out of your life, online or not. I used to like going to events and now I feel like I dont know anyone. School takes up 80% of my day (when I can GET there) and my family the other 20%. Fun? Relaxation? Socializing? Those things don't exist right now.

Can you believe that after my axle broke it was less than a week later that my starter/battery broke while I was downtown at the doctors office. Less than a week! I havent been able to get to school and again am in danger of getting expelled and losing my grant. ugh. The great news is that my man has finally started really really trying his hardest to find work and its paying off, ppl are calling for interviews and he's getting some interest.

Ya know, I can think of fifty million other things to write here because it's been so long since Ive been here ... but I think I will save those for my next blog .. ya know .. the one Im going to write in a FEW DAYS. There is still a reason Im here, and it's because of the friends I have here that have never stopped messaging and responding to my blogs no matter HOW infrequent. U know who u are and I fuckin love you.

q's
~if your best friend (whom you view as a sister because u love her so much) was doing things that were unsafe and just plain really irresponsible parenting for her child, would you feel obligated to tell her, or would u stay out of her business? And for once, Im going to answer my own question ... I feel that if you saw your best friends child in the middle of the road and a car was coming straight for him, you would push him out of the way because you wouldnt want him to get hurt. I feel this is the same principle. If you *know* that what this person is doing is going to have very bad consequences for not only HER, but for her child .. how could you NOT say anything??

~Anti gun laws ... FOR or AGAINST?

~What do you think is the fastest way to lose weight? And "dieting and exercising" doesnt count, you have to say *specifically* what type of exercise or diet!

~Show me your favorite picture of yourself. (If you dont have one ... I dont believe you! ha!)

See you guys soon. Reeeeal soon.

On my bday I didn't expect anything. After a certain age, I think most ppl think bdays are of less and less importance as time goes on. I got my mail that day, as usual, and I saw that I had some mail from amazon.com. Eh. I thought it was an ad and walked to the trash to toss it, but something stopped me. i thought "maybe it's a coupon!" So then I decided to open it ... and was REALLY glad I didn't throw it away!! It was a gift certificate from member Sciavona! Wow, that was totally unexpected! Thank you, from all my heart.

I'm still so giddy abt actually being able to buy myself something that I haven't even used it yet because I can't stand to let go of the idea that I actually have the ability to buy myself a gift! Aren't I sad? LOL.

I've been having internet issues ... still. And when I actually DO get the damn thing to work I have to fight with three other ppl in the house over who gets to use it. Besides that, I've been busting my ass trying to earn money to take care of my family, and when you're unemployed .. it's a LOT harder to find ways to get cash! I've just been doing odd jobs here and there, putting ads up on craigslist for whatever I can. I'm hangin in there!

My axle broke while I was pulling out of my driveway a few days ago. This will cause much turmoil in my life. I have hardly any money and now I have no transportation to my jobs to GET the money to fix it. Ugh, it sucks! Just another bump in the road I guess.

There are so many things I wanted to write here, topics I wanted to discuss and things like that ... but after being away for a month I thought maybe I should give you all an update on how things have been going around here. I'm trying to find more time for updates and posting lately since I have no car and wont be running around like a headless chicken trying to make money. I miss my friends here so much



q's
~If you had a friend who did things that were totally against what you believe to be ethical, how would you handle it? Would you speak to them about it? Mind your own business? Or possibly start to re-consider your friendship?
~Do you believe that family should always stick together no matter what? Or are there certain things that a person can do that should be considered "unforgivable", or in other words .. "dis-own" that person?
~Do you think that a person is more apt to notice a person because they have a beautiful face or because they have a beautiful body? If one person has one thing but not the other ... is it a "deal breaker" when considering whether or not you'd like to date them?

xoxoxo

~@sh

In the spirit of forever trying to improve myself and my surroundings, I've spent a lot of time trying to pinpoint what issues in life need the most attention. I have finally come to a very important conclusion:
I severely lack discipline.

I'm not exactly sure when or how this happened but I'm glad that I've at least come to the conclusion that it *is* an issue and that it needs attention. I remember having at least *some* discipline in the past otherwise I would have never been able to accomplish anything in life, and since I *have* accomplished many things in the past .. one could make the assumption that I could do it again.

I wonder what happened along the way that made me lose my structure ... and I'm really hoping that I don't have to pick apart every little stage in life or decision I've made just to correct the problem and work on it. That would take too much time.

I can't even *believe* we're in the month of MAY already! This month is one of my personal favorites, not only because my own bday rests in the month of May, but almost *every* close friend or relative I have has their bday in May also!! This makes May one big non-stop fun fest for me and the ppl I'm closest to.

Q's
~What advice would u give someone who lacks discipline in their life?
~What are some of your vices that you're currently working on?
~Post a photo that best describes what you're thinking or feeling at this moment.

I feel like this lately ...

I feel so overwhelmed!! I havent had the internet at my house for abt 2 months now, which is proving to be a VERY big inconvenience in soooo many ways! First and foremost, I use abt 5-6 different job sites to search for jobs, and I havent gotten an interview in months. Its very discouraging. My man is experiencing the same issue, as he is also unemployed. Our savings is running out FAST. I want to go back and finish school more than anything, but cant do that until he gets work. I'm behind in my emails, Im behind in all my sg posts and groups ... *sigh*. I want a drama free life. Any free coffee shops or anything like that have this site blocked bec ause its considered "porn", and I havent the money to pay for an internet cafe. Aaaah such is life though!

Im fortunate enough to have the ability to come here NOW to at the very least ... say hello and let u know that I still think abt you guys, havent forgotten abt yous, and still plan on coming thru on a lot of my promises. The sg chicago shoot is coming up in april sometime, so look forward to that! 1920's gangster theme

Well I gotta keep this short, but I couldnt keep away from u guys for long. I plan on asking a friend if I can come over and use her net for the day to catch up on all my online business ... and that includes coming to all your journals to see how ya'll are doing

q's

~Whats your favorite type of food?
~Is it considered "cheating" if u have internet sex if you're in a monogamous relationship?
~If you could see me with a certain hair style or hair color .. what would it be? How abt for yourself?
~In all honesty .. how *are* u doing right now? I dont wanna hear "fine!" or "good!" just because thats the typical and easiest answer. cmon ... let me know

I miss Sg Sioux.


I miss sg Beau



Who do YOU miss?

New Years has always been my absolute favorite holiday, just for the simple fact that it gives me the feeling that I'm "starting fresh" with a clean slate, even though the feeling doesnt last as long as I'd like. I dont "do" the resolution thing, I just tell myself that things are going to be so much better from this point on, for whatever reason, whatever issue.

Last night I had a dream with POPPLES in it!! It was a freaking AWESOME dream! I had forgotten abt these little critter toys and how much I loved them as a kid, and MY question is: WHERE THE HELL DID ALL THE POPPLES GO!? This is a serious issue folks. The number ONE 80's toy that needs to be resurrected in all its beautiful glory is the POPPLE. (Dont know what it is? ASK somebody! They have a special unique quality that makes them more than just a cutesy stuffed animal)




Which brought me to my next childhood favorite that I never see these days ... a see-saw, aka teeter-totter. After I moved to FL, I never saw any see-saws, and I believed that the see-saw was a "Northern" playground thing. When I moved back to Chicago and revisited my favorite parks ... they had removed the see-saws! I havent seen one since! Bring back the teeter-totters!

My son had a great xmas thanks to a few of you. However! One gift arrived without a name on it, so I have no idea who bought it ... it was the number one gift on his list this yr, too, so whoever bought this .. come forward! I need your address It was the video game "Left 4 Dead". His cd player arrived after xmas with a name on it I did NOT recognize ... obviously, because it was not the SG name, it was this persons real name, lol. I wont name any names here, but whoever u are (and you KNOW who u are!) identify yourself!

Q's
~What toy from the past would you like to see resurrected?
~What is your take on dreams? Do you believe that your dreams can reveal things from the past present or future that you would otherwise NOT know?
~Whats the most obnoxious commercial that u can think of?
~Make sure u take the time right now to think abt our american soldiers, who are taking a lot of bullshit for our priviledges.

That is all. Until next time!