Time is just tick tick ticking away now, I wish my perception of time would remain consistent throughout the day and NOT seem to pass quicker when Im enjoying myself and slower when Im not.

A lot has been happening in and around "my world", but its all just a blur of "incidents" that wrap up and intertwine until they form an enormous knot that sits nicely in the pit of my stomach and just rots there for quite some time.

I cant remember the last time I was just "ash", for the longest time now there's been another person attached to my soul as if they were just an extension of "ash". When times got excrutiatingly rough for me, all I had to do was put things into perspective: I've always felt that I'd be specifically given a very difficult life because of this "gift" I was given, the gift of a soul mate. A person cant have *everything*, you know. Some people are given the gift of a great family, some are given the gift of a great career & financial stability. I dont have stability or a family, but I have a soulmate .. yes, things have been shitty, but I still considered myself fortunate because every night I didnt sleep alone, or every time I felt bad I was hugged. Things are going to be a whole lot different without my other half. Im proud that he's joining the army and doing something for both himself and our family, but Im also just upset that he has to do this in the first place. If I had a nice career, this wouldnt have to happen.

I cant sleep lately. Well, I cant ever sleep unless I have weed, or pills, but right now I dont have either .. so I remain awake for several days straight until my body cant push any longer and I just collapse, knock right out for abt 10 hrs or so. I hate that "edgy" feeling I get at 4am, I feel like Im going to start laughing maniacally at any second because Im just so ANGRY abt being awake. Right now I just feel like Im bordering on the edge of hysteria, being choked by the invisible hand of fate.

My teeth still hurt. I thought they just hurt because they were re-adjusting to all the new room they have without the other teeth there to cramp their style, but it gets worse every day, no pill can help the amount of pain I feel from these fuckers. I think I caught dry socket. They gave me antibiotics, but I didnt have the money to fill them. Well, thats sort of not true .. I *did* have money for cigarettes, and I made the choice any addict would. "NO SMOKING AFTER U GET YOUR TEETH PULLED!" Ha, yeah right!

***Rant of the day*** You know what drives me nuts? English accents!! Yeah, I do realize that I speak ENGLISH and I should probably have NO problem understanding my own native language, but I was watching the movie "Children of Men" last night (takes place in brittain), and could NOT, for the LIFE of me, understand wtf they were saying 2/3rds of the time!! I have this problem when I play with my splinter cell squad on xbox live, too. Im the only american on my squad .. the rest of us elitist bastards are from the UK. I feel like such a dolt when Im speaking to them.

"so ash, whatdoyoudoforaliving?"
....
"... wait, what?"
"I *said*, WHAT do you DO for a LIVING?"
...
...
"uhhh ... come again?"

(repeat the back and forth "what?!" abt 3 more times before they eventually give up)

***2nd rant of the day!!*** There's too much sexism in the video game world today. Why is it always assumed that girls DONT play video games, or if they DO, they're not as good as guys?! I cant even begin to tell you how many times someone I played with was made fun of because they were "beaten by a girl". So who cares if Im a girl?



And now I leave you people for a short while. MY man leaves me on Wednesday, so I dont imagine I will be able to reply to messages until afterwards. I'd like to spend as much time with him as possible before he takes off. I'm sure you understand.

~You truly *do* find out who your real friends are in times of great desperation. Thank you, you know who you are~