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pssst.......
it's been a fucked up few months. and it feels nice to know that so many people missed me. but let me assure you, if i had been around, all you would have heard about is how jaded i felt so i spared you and dissappeared.
and now, i'm effin back. AND, i found out i'm on the second set of SG playing cards, the ones that were sold at ComicCon that aren't even in the SG online shop yet. I am DYING to see mine (10 of diamonds), and even more anxious to get my hands on a deck.
so....how has everyone been?
ps- in case you missed it, i'm particularly proud of my last post, and I think that anyone who really appreciates what Suicide Girls has done for women would like it. read on!
Even intelligent, well educated, alleged "feminists" subscribe to this idea. The mother/whore dichotomy:
"Subscribers to one model, the mother/whore dichotomy, hold that women can only be "mothers" or "whores." Another variant is the virgin/whore dichotomy, in which women who do not adhere to a saintly standard of moral purity are considered 'whores.'"
I look at what my lovely Posh said in a previous entry:
You can easily say that someone doesn't respect, nor value themselves if they take their clothes off online, but why does a body have to affect that so much? Shouldn't a person's worth be taken from everything they do and are as a whole? Their motivations, their life experience, their everyday life, their intellect and personality? Not that they once took off their clothes proudly? But I know, perfect world and all of that.
What is it about my being naked on the internet that overshadows every other aspect or role in my life? The fact that I'm
a feminist
a best friend
a girlfriend
a daughter
a filmmaker
a PERSON
with a LIFE
And what does it say about YOU as a sexual being when the fact that I'm naked on the internet can instantly change your opinion of me? What is so powerful about nudity that it instantly becomes more important, more defining, than anything else a person does?
**I cannot speak for all other porn/erotica/whatever you choose to call it, because I do believe that certain other types of porn are different. Those types of porn actually align themselves with the mother/whore dichotomy. They strip all discernable personality off of their "models" and portray them as "whores". But on this website, where the girls are encouraged to theme their sets after their interests, to dress in their own clothes, to weight as much or as little as they want, and to dye and tattoo (or not- like me) themselves as much as makes them happy.
"But aren't you worried about how people will view you after they find out you're a Suicide Girl?"
Well you mean, besides the fact that you view me differently now? It makes me think of a very interesting conversation I had with some very intelligent ladies about other people-male or female-using the word "slut" when referring to someone else. This is what I said-
Even if i openly called myself a "slut", i really don't think it's appropriate for anyone else to do so. the act of being a "slut" is between you and whoever you decide to have consenual sex with. being a slut doesn't suddenly make you the sex toy of the fucking world, it doesn't mean that anyone who wants to fuck you is free to do so. it's about it being YOUR choice. sex, regarless of how promiscuous you are, is still a personal thing and a personal choice. so using the word "slut" to refer to someone else is sort of like (for lack of a less pretentious term) conversational rape. it's kind of the same way i view SG- just because i'm open with my sexuality does not give anyone the right to assume that they can treat me any differently from how they would treat someone who isn't naked on the internet.
I did Suicide Girls for two reasons-
1) To knock nudity and sexuality down to the same level as every other aspect of a person. To make people realize that a sexual person is still a PERSON, and that being a sexual person doesn't make you less in any way.
2) To help people realize that anyone who chooses to align themselves with something like SG is not wearing a sign that says "I'll fuck anyone!". My being naked on the internet does not give you the right to treat me any differently, or to assume that I will treat you any differently.
There are at least 20 things I could tell you I've gained from becoming a Suicide Girl. Here's some good ones.....
- After staring at naked chicks all day long, you sort of get desensitized to the fact that you're looking at someone's vulva. When I look at SG sets now, I see so many different things. I see a personality. Emotion. Their beautiful tattoos.
- I've had the opportunity to see REAL naked women. Their personalities, their creativity. It is one of the most intimate things I've ever experienced.
- I've met some hella awesome people 
and i want to thank all of you for understanding.
and now, to answer your questions....
[SPOILER]
what are the three best days/ weeks of your life?
define "best". no, seriously, cos i've been sitting here for 7 minutes, trying to figure out how to answer this. "best" implies that all my needs were meant and i was not dissappointed. but these are not defining moments, nor can they stand as significant on their own. so this is what you get-
the past year has been the most important of my life. i am not one of those people who says that constantly, i am dead fucking serious.
the best week out of all of those would be any of the random weeks i spent last winter. there you go.
what is your favourite animal?
cats. i love them. i understand them. i go out of my way for them.
how was your bath?
it was great. i used part of a karma bubble bar from lush. i washed my hair. i love baths (as much as i hate showers)
how are you finding the mac?
being able to do a sound mix while sitting on my couch, or in my kitchen, or in my bed, is the most liberating feeling ever.
do you use film to shoot your sets?
yes. exclusively. but only because digi freaks me out, not because i'm "against" it.
i think i might have accidentally swallowed glass....what should i do?
if it's hurting- call 911
if it's not hurting- there's a number in my city that one can call when they need to talk to a nurse, but it may not necessarily be an emergency. eg- "my newborn has a fever and i'm a new mother, help". if you have a number like that in your area, call. if not, call 911.
at this point in time...godspeed, sir.
what are you gonna do with your schoolage, after you are done?
ideally, producing films (for actual money i mean) and/or arts administration. but regardless of whether i reach these goals immediately, my time is worth more than minimum wage, so even if the job sucks, it's better than minimum at some shitty place.
why are you such a huge slut?
i don't know, but when i'm in school i masturbate like 90% more than normal. i think out of frustration towards all the things i have to do. woo hoo orgasms.
why don't you shoot an sg video on film?
because film is expensive and splurging to make a film all about me is self-absorbed. nobody is that interesting.
what is canada like compared to LA?
well for one thing, canada is bigger in area than the united states. secondly, i've never been to LA.
do you like pie?
fuck do i love pie. it's the only thing i'm really good at making.
what time is it?
5:43 pm
will you be seeing a movie this evening?
the bonus interviews on the Style Wars DVD. watch this documentary.
what gets you up in the morning?
a horrible buzzing sound coming from the other side of the room is the only thing that works.
what is a murray?
a sexual act in which a man with a mustache goes down on a woman in a way i can only demonstrate in person. women can do it too, if they wear a strap on mustache, which would lead to a strap-on murray. the first murray was given by abe lincoln, but the act did not get it's name until it was linked to ray charles, hence the mur"ray".
my friends and i made this up on a film set one day, after i told the camera op that i wanted to marry him for the shot he had just set up. he repeated "you want to murray me??" and thus the joke that never dies was born.
how do you like your eggs?
over medium, and no more than four times per year. though i want to like them for their nutritional value, they disgust me beyond belief.
in my *actual* journal 2 days ago i wrote "...the journal is like any medium, some people just work better in it than others." i believe it's true. i write some hella awesome papers. i have some hella interesting coversations. and my journal entries are't *bad*, the just don't come to me that easily. so here's what i propose- if you leave me a comment, ask me a question. ask two questions if you like, i don't care. and unless they're personal questions like "where do you live", i'll tell you in my next entry. k? go!!
ps- also, my friends were awesome to me on my birthday but it wasn't the best time because it was right during final exams, i always seem to forget how stressful the christmas season is til it starts happening, i got spoiled at christmas by family, new years was bizarre and i ended up at a club i actually felt too old to be at, but counted down to 2007 with 2 rad people. ask specific questions about these events if you want, but i don't want any "so how was your christmas" questions.
now i'm going to go take a bath.
i have more interesting things to say but if i say them i run the risk of of not explaining myself to a full enough degree and thus sounding like an intellectual wannabe who uses vague jargon to impress people. if i go into too much detail people wion't read it and will instead a) assume i'm a headcase b) assume i'm a whiny priveledged girl who grew up in the suburbs c) make some other asinine assumption about me. so let's keep things easy and shallow, shall we? instead of trying to understand each other and focusing on things that we are passionate about, let's roll our eyes at things we don't understand and wallow in our own anti-intellectual pride. or, even better, let's all be pseudo intellectuals who hide in academia without feeling it and thus not understanding it. without feeling how beautiful and awful and amazing these theories really are. great.
to all who read the above paragraph and immediately think "that's not me", i apologize.
passion and sincerity and being mindful of others. that's what i assumed people are striving towards. but i'm starting to think that's not the case, and so i have spent the past little while grieving this idea.
wow, i sound like a total douchebag. here's something that is awesome, to even the score:
so some fucker stole my bike, which i mentioned a couple of entries ago. so...i'm standing at a stoplight. minding my own business. and i look down. and the sketchy looking guy beside me is RIDING my BIKE. i know its mine, because my bike is custom made and the seat is ripped. i look around. its the middle of the day so i feel confident that if he does punch me at least there are witnesses. so i say:
arete: um, excuse me?
sketchbag: yes?
a: um, where did you get that bike from?
sb: i found it!
a: WHERE did you find it?
sb: at the corner of (insert corner i had left my bike locked up). the lock was just popped off of it!
*sidenote: WHY someone would take a bike that was clearly locked up is beyond me*
a: uh...that's my bike. my friend lives in the apartment on that corner
sb: oh!
a: uh...i don't know how this works, but...can i have my bike back?
sb: well, isn't that just.....sure!
a: SHOCKED!!!!!
so he stole it, and then just gave it back. effed up.
but, the BEST PART......
i hadn't expected to ride a bike home, thus i wasn't wearing mittens. i'm sitting on my bike waiting for the light to change, blowing on my hands because they're FREEZING, and a very pretty girl about my age walks up to me and hands me a pair of very cool looking woolen mittens.
a: you don't....
pretty girl: keep them (walks away)
mittens and a bike. fuckin A.
plus i can walk.
so life isn't so bad....sometimes. but why don't we all try to be compassionate people. its actually sort of fun. try it!!!!!
today i ate at a place called une crepe? which i find hilarious just because of the punctuation. and i met the "deep v-neck" model from american apparel who loves schwartz's (the smoked meat place) as much as he wants to move to my city to learn pyrotechinics from my boyfriend.
montreal: meat and blowing shit up.
sunday the film my friends and i made is playing at monreal film pop. woo. hoo. fuck.
more later, kiddies.
