the internet is a peculiar place. SG is an even stranger cross section of it, especially for me. totally impersonal, i feel like i can write anything here and it's fairly inconsequential, no one i know in person is on this site, no one i know really reads this blog (OMG i said blog!!!! LOLZ). but on the other hand.... anyone can read it. so my thoughts pile on top of each other throughout my day or my days and sometimes i actually have the conscious thought "there, that's appropriate SG material, remember that one". so that's the first thing i will admit to, that there's clearly a filtering process relating to what is "appropriate" SG material and what isn't. what will people actually give a shit about and read versus what they will scan for a moment and navigate away from. the next concern is that the fucking MTV generation won't be able to enjoy a journal entry without a photo, so whatever i'm writing about should relate loosely to some digital photo of myself i have virtually "lying around". as the thoughts have been piling up for days or weeks and i've been busy or exhausted and the thoughts i intended to write about days ago start rotting underneath the new ones i'm having, i have to scrap my old ideas and start fresh. but, WAIT.... are my thoughts internet appropriate? do i have an interesting, flawlessly photoshopped photo of myself to accompany my anecdote?

.....suck. a. bag. of. cocks.

the only real reason i'm not on this site more is because i'm busy and because seriously, i go through what i described above every time i try to write an entry over the past few months. but i'll try harder. so here are 5 points of thought. this is as close to what i spend my days thinking about as you can get. and then i'm getting up to make tea.

1) i celebrated my 24th birthday last weekend. i was surrounded by people who love me. it was very wonderful.



2) my conclusion as of late is that kosovo's primary focus on full, immediate independence is equivalent to the palestinian authority's primary focus on east jerusalem. there's nothing romantic or sexy about healthcare or waste management or all the other things that a group of people actually need to live. the whimsy is all in who's people came from what land and who's willing to die for it at this point. of course i understand why they would want their land BACK. but for fuck sake, pick your battles.

3) winnipeg, having an amazing arts community but a small population, just had an american apparel move into town last week. i'm not yet sure how i feel about this. i swear they import their sales associates from a central factory- in every am ap store in every city i've been they're talking about the same generic "artist-loft-party" that they attended the night previous as they ignore my pleas for a different size polo dress.

4) i'm effin excited for christmas. i love christmas. i love getting gifts for people. i love eating christmas food. i love christmas trees and christmas movies and all that gaudy shit...and....

5) my cat is experiencing early stage renal failure, but we gave him a saline iv drip at the vet for an hour (he didn't like it) and now he should be good for another six months. the treatment, given every six months, could prolong his life another 3 years. and now he can enjoy christmas too. he loves poking around the christmas tree.

tea time?

1) i currently have an ear infection. i am very surprised at how much it hurts. we're talking no sleep hurt. we're talking almost crying hurt. ballet last nice, even wearing a hat on the bikerides there and back, was a stupid idea.

2) i saw Lawrence Hill speak about his new book last week. he said that he did not title it "the book of negroes' to be provocative, but explained to us that during the american revolution there was such a book. O!! western world that i was born in, you never cease to be a giant asshole.

anyways, i really want to read that book.

3) lately i've been getting stoned and watching full house as a way to relax after school or work.



what does the phrase "happy thought" bring to mind?

HEY!! I'M IN ISSUE #2 OF THE NEW SG MAGAZINE!!!

pssst.......

it's been a fucked up few months. and it feels nice to know that so many people missed me. but let me assure you, if i had been around, all you would have heard about is how jaded i felt so i spared you and dissappeared.

and now, i'm effin back. AND, i found out i'm on the second set of SG playing cards, the ones that were sold at ComicCon that aren't even in the SG online shop yet. I am DYING to see mine (10 of diamonds), and even more anxious to get my hands on a deck.

so....how has everyone been?

ps- in case you missed it, i'm particularly proud of my last post, and I think that anyone who really appreciates what Suicide Girls has done for women would like it. read on!

For some reason or another, I have been asked why I became a suicide girl a lot lately. So I figured I should start thinking about it, and fast. It's a shite position to be in, really, when someone asks you why you willing expose yourself on the internet. Because with any waver of your voice, any hesitation, you're proving to the person who's asking that you've been exploited. Or that you're too dumb to even realize that you're a "victim of misogyny". It doesn't matter who you're talking to- a concerned female acquaintance, a brotherly type male friend, a prospective lover- they cannot wrap their mind around the idea that their "sweet, normal friend" would willingly "demean" themselves like that. On the one hand they see their normal female friend, but on the other they see a girl aligning herself with a part of their brain that has traditionally been reserved for "sluts", for that part of sexuality that no "respectable" person likes to admit exists. You can't be both an upstanding citizen and naked on the internet, because exposing that side of yourself automatically overshadows anything else you've done.

Even intelligent, well educated, alleged "feminists" subscribe to this idea. The mother/whore dichotomy:

"Subscribers to one model, the mother/whore dichotomy, hold that women can only be "mothers" or "whores." Another variant is the virgin/whore dichotomy, in which women who do not adhere to a saintly standard of moral purity are considered 'whores.'"


I look at what my lovely Posh said in a previous entry:

What is it about my being naked on the internet that overshadows every other aspect or role in my life? The fact that I'm

a feminist

a best friend

a girlfriend

a filmmaker

a PERSON

with a LIFE

And what does it say about YOU as a sexual being when the fact that I'm naked on the internet can instantly change your opinion of me? What is so powerful about nudity that it instantly becomes more important, more defining, than anything else a person does?

**I cannot speak for all other porn/erotica/whatever you choose to call it, because I do believe that certain other types of porn are different. Those types of porn actually align themselves with the mother/whore dichotomy. They strip all discernable personality off of their "models" and portray them as "whores". But on this website, where the girls are encouraged to theme their sets after their interests, to dress in their own clothes, to weight as much or as little as they want, and to dye and tattoo (or not- like me) themselves as much as makes them happy.

"But aren't you worried about how people will view you after they find out you're a Suicide Girl?"

Well you mean, besides the fact that you view me differently now? It makes me think of a very interesting conversation I had with some very intelligent ladies about other people-male or female-using the word "slut" when referring to someone else. This is what I said-

Even if i openly called myself a "slut", i really don't think it's appropriate for anyone else to do so. the act of being a "slut" is between you and whoever you decide to have consenual sex with. being a slut doesn't suddenly make you the sex toy of the fucking world, it doesn't mean that anyone who wants to fuck you is free to do so. it's about it being YOUR choice. sex, regarless of how promiscuous you are, is still a personal thing and a personal choice. so using the word "slut" to refer to someone else is sort of like (for lack of a less pretentious term) conversational rape. it's kind of the same way i view SG- just because i'm open with my sexuality does not give anyone the right to assume that they can treat me any differently from how they would treat someone who isn't naked on the internet.


I did Suicide Girls for two reasons-

1) To knock nudity and sexuality down to the same level as every other aspect of a person. To make people realize that a sexual person is still a PERSON, and that being a sexual person doesn't make you less in any way.

2) To help people realize that anyone who chooses to align themselves with something like SG is not wearing a sign that says "I'll fuck anyone!". My being naked on the internet does not give you the right to treat me any differently, or to assume that I will treat you any differently.


There are at least 20 things I could tell you I've gained from becoming a Suicide Girl. Here's some good ones.....

- After staring at naked chicks all day long, you sort of get desensitized to the fact that you're looking at someone's vulva. When I look at SG sets now, I see so many different things. I see a personality. Emotion. Their beautiful tattoos.

- I've had the opportunity to see REAL naked women. Their personalities, their creativity. It is one of the most intimate things I've ever experienced.

- I've met some hella awesome people and i want to thank all of you for understanding.

the most disgusting part of the body- the sinuses. these are hollow bits of bone that periodically fill with fluid. think about that for a moment.

and now, to answer your questions....

later, he tore apart my linen closet.

it's so hot here that as the cars drive by my writing room window i can hear their tires splashing in the melted snow that covers the streets. it *should* be -35 celsius (-31 fahrenheit). when the sun shines once every 10 days or so, the sky *should* be white and the lack of cloud cover should actually make things colder. but the sun is shining so brightly that i stand in the sun rather than the shade to be warmer. is our climate turning into that of nebraska's? will our summers from this point forward be cooler and tornado-filled?


this photo has nothing to do with anything, i just like it.

in my *actual* journal 2 days ago i wrote "...the journal is like any medium, some people just work better in it than others." i believe it's true. i write some hella awesome papers. i have some hella interesting coversations. and my journal entries are't *bad*, the just don't come to me that easily. so here's what i propose- if you leave me a comment, ask me a question. ask two questions if you like, i don't care. and unless they're personal questions like "where do you live", i'll tell you in my next entry. k? go!!

ps- also, my friends were awesome to me on my birthday but it wasn't the best time because it was right during final exams, i always seem to forget how stressful the christmas season is til it starts happening, i got spoiled at christmas by family, new years was bizarre and i ended up at a club i actually felt too old to be at, but counted down to 2007 with 2 rad people. ask specific questions about these events if you want, but i don't want any "so how was your christmas" questions.

now i'm going to go take a bath.

so i gots me a brand new macbook pro. sure i'm now in debt. but i can edit films on my couch while watching episodes of full house.


how is this feature not worth $3000?

i have more interesting things to say but if i say them i run the risk of of not explaining myself to a full enough degree and thus sounding like an intellectual wannabe who uses vague jargon to impress people. if i go into too much detail people wion't read it and will instead a) assume i'm a headcase b) assume i'm a whiny priveledged girl who grew up in the suburbs c) make some other asinine assumption about me. so let's keep things easy and shallow, shall we? instead of trying to understand each other and focusing on things that we are passionate about, let's roll our eyes at things we don't understand and wallow in our own anti-intellectual pride. or, even better, let's all be pseudo intellectuals who hide in academia without feeling it and thus not understanding it. without feeling how beautiful and awful and amazing these theories really are. great.

to all who read the above paragraph and immediately think "that's not me", i apologize.

passion and sincerity and being mindful of others. that's what i assumed people are striving towards. but i'm starting to think that's not the case, and so i have spent the past little while grieving this idea.

wow, i sound like a total douchebag. here's something that is awesome, to even the score:

so some fucker stole my bike, which i mentioned a couple of entries ago. so...i'm standing at a stoplight. minding my own business. and i look down. and the sketchy looking guy beside me is RIDING my BIKE. i know its mine, because my bike is custom made and the seat is ripped. i look around. its the middle of the day so i feel confident that if he does punch me at least there are witnesses. so i say:

arete: um, excuse me?
sketchbag: yes?
a: um, where did you get that bike from?
sb: i found it!
a: WHERE did you find it?
sb: at the corner of (insert corner i had left my bike locked up). the lock was just popped off of it!
*sidenote: WHY someone would take a bike that was clearly locked up is beyond me*
a: uh...that's my bike. my friend lives in the apartment on that corner
sb: oh!
a: uh...i don't know how this works, but...can i have my bike back?
sb: well, isn't that just.....sure!
a: SHOCKED!!!!!

so he stole it, and then just gave it back. effed up.

but, the BEST PART......

i hadn't expected to ride a bike home, thus i wasn't wearing mittens. i'm sitting on my bike waiting for the light to change, blowing on my hands because they're FREEZING, and a very pretty girl about my age walks up to me and hands me a pair of very cool looking woolen mittens.

a: you don't....
pretty girl: keep them (walks away)

mittens and a bike. fuckin A.

plus i can walk. and its my birthday in seven days.


so life isn't so bad....sometimes. but why don't we all try to be compassionate people. its actually sort of fun. try it!!!!!

no, this is not the story of montreal as promised. this is the spur of the moment stuck-at-work post. i know it will recieve fewer comments than normal, as there are no pictures, and regardless of what you'd like to believe, you ARE the mtv generation. but suck it up, and use your imagination, there are no pictures to follow.

i am so tired today. i don't know what's wrong with me. well, i do sort of. yesterday i walked as fast as i could (my ankles were hurting) to the school to get my test back to make sure that i did, in fact, fail it (required course for degree, shitty and hard and out of my element), to run to academic advising to beg for permission to withdrawl after the final date because that was the first mark from the class that i had gotten back because i was in montreal for the first test. to walk very fast home (sore ankles) to finish my report, to RUN this time to boy's work to print it, to walk quickly back to school to drop it off in time, to meet with my group for our class project and find that three of them can't speak english to the point where they take mandarin-english dictionaries into tests with them. ran home to get ready to go out, sat down on the couch irritated because boy had smoked really strong pot with dealer friend and was totally stoned, had some of said pot myself and then woke up at 2am. i was SO mad. what's worse is how all the people i was supposed to hang out with got mad at me for not coming out. like i planned to fall asleep on the couch. and not to sound like a self riteous bitch, but most of these people work no more than i do and DON'T go to school and DON'T have a hobby that takes up 14 hours a day when you decide to pursue it (film). and also, my mother is mad because i dropped my class. though i don't live wth her, she still takes on full rights and responsibilities of mother. lovely.


i'm also supposed to go out tonight, but what i really want to do is be in my bed and have ev (sister like figure) and boy (close with ev also) sitting on the bed also, and reading or talking quietly to each other, so that i'm not alone but i'm not engaged in conversation, i can just sit and soak up two calming people. but i think more likely what will happen is that i will be at good friend caley g's birthday party, drinking his uncle's moonshine while caley blasts daft punk and every one else makes jokes about old tv shows no one remembers.

/rant

NEXT time: the story of montreal. and pictures. and no bitching (oh come on, this was ONE time!!!)

have a good weekend, kiddies. and leave me comments cos i love them

HA! proved you all wrong! a WEEKLY update. i'm in montreal and i'm still updating, because i love you guys....

today i ate at a place called une crepe? which i find hilarious just because of the punctuation. and i met the "deep v-neck" model from american apparel who loves schwartz's (the smoked meat place) as much as he wants to move to winnipeg to learn pyrotechinics from my boyfriend.

montreal: meat and blowing shit up.

sunday "une femme n'est pas une ile", the film my friends and i made is playing at monreal film pop, with "mutual appreciation". 1pm sunday. Associaçao Portuguesa. woo. hoo. fuck.

more later, kiddies.