Hey men! This blog is for you. And it's about you. Two birds, one stone, eh? Did someone say stones? Don't worry, men, I'll get to your balls in a minute. (Ba dum chhh)

First off, I have some good news. That's right, you should totally care about this, guys. I just wanted to say that I, from this point on, am totally okay with being portrayed as an anal-retentive, nagging, can't open a jar by herself, ruin everybody's fun type of woman in most every commercial ever that depicts both genders. I'm most notably talking about commercials from the last 20 - 30 years because, let's get real ladies, we knew better than to leave the kitchen before that. Right? *good-natured rib nudging*

I'm sure you're dying to know why I'm totally okay with this, right? Because, as I said up there ^^, you should totally care about this and my views on it. *emphatic nodding* You know, because I said so. I'm okay with this because today, as I ever so hung-overly (that's a word, right?) read an article on Cracked this morning (the world's highest standard in hard-hitting factual journalism that is in no way 99% of the time completely list-based), I realized that in all of those commercials that depict me as a smug, obnoxious twat, you're all being portrayed as slack jawed, socially and evolutionarily inept neanderthals who can't go more than 30 seconds without questioning their manhood and thinking about their balls. (See, it took a minute, but I promised we'd get to your balls.)


"Take away the loofah and just admire that fully erect penis of a bottle."

Now men, I wouldn't expect you to be aware of this. If these commercials marketed specifically to cater your simplistic and testosterone driven pattern of thinking are any indication, it's not your fault that your too stupid to see what idiots you are. (I hope these commercials also encourage you to read satire. Are any of these commercials about Swift's "A Modest Proposal"?)

The article I'm referencing here is "The 5 Most Insulting Ways Products Are Advertised to Men" and some men, most men, should actually be kind of pissed off about how they're being portrayed in the form of media that's driven into peoples' heads the hardest. (I'm sure there's a joke about violent fellatio in there somewhere.) Yeah, women whine about being shafted (heh, shaft) by being portrayed as nagging sticks in the mud, and I'm sure you've heard enough women in your life at some point say something like "blah blah blah, misogynistic pig, blah blah blah." Get it, because women never shut up and all they do is whine, right men? *more good-natured rib nudging* But seriously, you guys are getting boned too (heh, boned.) and you maybe you should be a little pissed about it? (The last part is a question because I'm a woman and, as such, no good at thinking about things that aren't directly related to cooking or cleaning.)

Please don't think I'm talking down to you, guys. I'm on your side here. My poor and less than eloquent use of sarcasm may not make it sound like I am if you are one of the individuals that this core marketing is being pushed towards but, c'mon guys, I really am on your side, here. And if I'm not, hey, I have boobs, so how bad can I really be, right? (Unless you believe commercials, then I'm kind of a cunt.)


Proof: Boobs, I have them (also, while I'm vaguely not-really insulting your mental capacity, this would be a great time for you to go show some support to my boobs in my set. *nonchalant whistling*)

If you've even made it this far through this blog that is more words than boobs (my apologies for that, by the way) then congratulations! You've defied what is apparently the startling level of ineptitude and you deserve a cookie! (I don't have any cookies, though. I'm sorry about that, too.) But seriously, on a certain level I always realized how over-hyped and testosterone driven these commercials are. It's hard not to. The whole "manliness" of it all is really shoved down your throat (Giggity). After the guys who wrote this article really put things in perspective, it actually became really funny.

"Take Gillette's Mach 5, for example. What makes a razor deserve the name Mach 5? Do they know how pants-shittingly fast that is? What exactly was Gillette going for by naming a razor blade after a speed that will literally remove your colon?"

They were going for HOW FUCKING MANLY IT IS. TESTICLES.



"Have you ever wondered why products like Coke Zero exist, when Diet Coke is already a thing? It's because the word "diet" is too feminine, because dieting is something only chicks do."

Dieting? That's for chicks. And you're a MAN, RIGHT!? (seriously, it plainly states that this dressed up product exists specifically for marketing to '20-something' men because diet coke is targeted to women.)

I guess what I'm getting at is that men should be just as whiny as women are about how they're being portrayed unfairly is mass media. We should all be embarrassed that it's this easy to market to us based on gender. We, men and women, are saying that we're too stupid to think for ourselves and need to base our choices on whether or not a product is masculine or feminine enough, and what it says about us that we use said product. And, if I'm just going to jump into grand generalizations here, we're allowing mass marketing advertising agencies to assign us to socially constructed gender roles. Disagree? Fine, but guys, when was the last you bought "Secret Platinum" deodorant instead of, I don't know, shoving a cheeseburger in your mouth while rolling around in the dirt and grunting at each other? ... Exactly.

[TL;DR - I'm embarrassed for us, people as a whole, that we're so simplistic as to buy whatever is shoved into our faces simply because we're told we need it and we're told it suits our gender accordingly. I'm basically just disappointed that we're not more complex than this. Bummer. Also, testicles. ♥ ]