wolves and birds <3

Every year that passes, when I think of the next number in the sequence (according to our custom of dividing time and life into pieces), I think how I desperately don't want to be 25, 24 sounded just fine but please don't let me have to become 25!! ...then I get used to 25 and as 26 draws nearer I think how I desperately don't want to be 26, 25 was just fine but please don't let me become 26!! And so on and so on. It's all a bit silly though really. Tomorrow I'll be another number but I think it's best to ignore these things. Often I feel really gloomy and miserable on birthdays because they are that strange time when you stocktake. I don't think I'm going to be that miserable this year though, maybe I even feel a bit indifferent.

I guess I realised a few years ago that I am not the kind of person who is going to achieve or seek that many conventional, tangible things in life. I think the last thing I did that really fitted in to such an idea was getting my masters degree 4 years ago. What have I done since then? So many interesting things but not things I have anything material to show for. I think I am coming to accept that though. It would be nice if I could do work that I enjoyed and let me live a comfortable independent life but maybe that will come eventually in some form. I'm very grateful for everything I do have though.

I took some pictures in the garden a few days ago. It's so lovely at the moment.









Isn't it touching to see that plants will grow anywhere? This one found the smallest layer of soil and has managed to live in it.

Today I found a broken blackbirds egg in the garden too. I suppose a magpie or gull maybe carried off to eat and dropped it. I hope the blackbirds have more eggs in the nest and that the predator found some other sustenance somewhere. Their eggs are very beautiful. Blue with brown speckles.



Just yesterday I was watching a juvenile blackbird in the tree and felt such a strong sense of how miraculous it was that from seemingly nothing this perfect living creature had emerged and now existed in the wolrd. Covered in feathers and able to fly no less! Looking at the crushed egg on the ground I can hardly comprehend how this yellow liquid could possible become one of those living, flying creatures.




Something really nice happened lately and I was asked to contribute work for an exhibition. This is the first time I've shown anything since I graduated. It's only in the last few months that I've actually started painting again so it was really good to have the commitment of an exhibition. I had to keep things quite simple and small as I was shipping them to Vancouver but it's really allowed me to start thinking about what I want to do with my painting again. I feel like the last four years my creativity was lying quite dormant but that now I am filled with a really strong desire to make images again.



I got back the new prints I'm selling too and they look really nice. Message me if you are interested.





The cherry blossoms are still here. It was quite dark when I took these but the pale pink flowers were so beautiful against the grey sky.




I have tens of little scraps of paper so I've been paintings moths on all of them.






On Thursday I'm going on a little trip for 2 weeks which will be the first time I've been out of Europe. It didn't really hit me until today when I went to get some American dollars. I have never actually had a particular fascination with America before, I always think about places like Russia or India or historical cities in Europe but when I saw the dollars I felt so different. I realised they are such a symbolic object, so familiar even though I haven't been there. And then I was almost wishing I could be seeing the whole country or the whole coast. 2 places and 2 weeks is probably a good start though. I am a little nervous about the long flights and all the travelling but I think it will be good for me to do something like that on my own. Things have been quite stressful at home and with my relationships lately so I hope I will come back feeling really refreshed and with a good sense of perspective and about what I should do next because I am definitely at a point where I need to make some or at least one big choice.

I went out with my friend Stephanie tonight and we drank some lovely Jura whisky. She just got her doctorate. I'm so happy for her. I think I'm just about the only one of my friends now who doesn't have a PhD! Maybe I'll go back and do one when I'm 30.

I hope you are all well. Thank you so much for all the lovely messages and the comments on my member review sets. I really appreciate it. I'm sorry I'm at 1695 emails on here now so I am probably missing lots of things I should be replying to. I will try to dip into them now and then when I'm back from my holiday xx