IPOD
RADIO
PICS
i forgot to tell you that i moved to los angeles. dont feel bad if you didnt know, because i didnt really tell anyone, i suppose something about disappearing was appealing for me. i love this place and i dont see any reason to ever live anywhere else, really.
mr pants and i are finally together, after years of being dozens or hundreds of miles apart. it finally happened for us, and this is the way it should be. he cooks for me and i neurotically clean everything and it is fully domesticated bliss. he doesnt seem to understand why its not ok to use a towel to clean both the floor and a clean dish, or why it is important to me that we have furniture and do not spend our days eating on the dirty carpet, but i have faith that he will learn someday.
i have an interview in the morning, then i am going to take a nap, go to the beach and get pummeled by the waves (and probably take another nap), go home, bake a pie, go to mr pants' show in hollywood and drink a lot (he promised he would play 'happy birthday' for me on the accordion) then have my roommate drive me home and maybe get laid. this could maybe be the best birthday ever. ill let you know.
ive been shooting a lot, but i havent had a lot of time to work on any of it.
i have a new website
have a good day, dears
its strange to love someone so much that it makes you physically ill
i just want to hug him. i miss him.
things continue to be weird. chewing on the notion that it is never going to go back to 'normal.' thinking i might be ok with that.
i am 22 now. my joints ache and my fingers are greasy. i have recently developed an incredible fear of aneurysms and heart malfunctions. i find myself grieving the lives of those still living.
i want to go out to a bar and have drinks with friends. i live outside of a little town of about 300 people. i have no friends in the surrounding cities. this makes going out to the bar for drinks difficult.
andy left again. we were trying to see eachother once a month, but i work too much. he is living the life ive always wanted, and my jealousy is at times unbearable. he keeps telling me to make friends. that used to be very easy. nowadays it seems no one is interested. the most recent attempts to communicate my desire for fellowship with other human beings has been disastrous and embarrassing.
my mother was never able to enjoy her youth because of the choices she made. i am not enjoying my youth because thats just the way things worked out. sometimes at nite i get in her bed and lay my head on her lap and she pets my hair and sometimes i cry because of how much i love her.
i feel old and weathered and i feel guilty all the time. i feel like i havent any right to feel anything. i feel like no one really understands how incredibly lonely i am. not unhappy. just lonely.
i started making music. it is one of the most satisfying things ive ever done in my life. i even made a myspace page. its so poorly done and homemade, i love it. i dont know why it says all the songs are five minutes long. theyre not.
i couldnt decide which of these photos was more adorable, so i made them into one photo.
i start school full time again in april. the last ten months. of school. in my life.
dont worry. i am still taking an unhealthy amount of self portraits. i started a website for my photography as well. youre not allowed to see that yet.
i hear thunder
only partially by choice
there are a few people in my life who deserve all the love and attention i could ever possibly give,
and i just dont have any left for anyone else.
not right now
ill be around
i cut off all of andys beautiful hair on july 4th, and its made a new home on his mantle.
he looks better without it
weve been drinking a lot of wine and lying around naked with the windows open.
hes going back to boston september 6th and i dont know what the fuck im going to do here all alone
here is a photo of my ass:
oh man, heres another one:
i have them lying around and i dont know who else to show them to.
i think rachelles been on a coke binge for at least a week. she drove to brooklyn last nite (note: we live in ohio) with her dealer (?)
yep, its pretty glamorous
the arcade fire is so good. so good so good. ive been reciting cars and telephones in my head for days. i want to listen to an album with nothing but regine shouting and making creepy noises.
also: velvet underground (nico & self-titled), bonnie prince billy (the letting go - dawn mccarthy makes that album. ughhhhh so good)
i took some photos of rachelle (you have to click on it, silly)
and this one of andy
i bought this at the thrift store a week or so ago. i took a photo of it after i cleaned it off, but i cant find it
there is more to say, but ive been playing with photoshop for almost 13 hours straight and i think my ass is broken. im leaving now
ok
im gonna be free
im gonna be free
and im gonna be brave
im gonna be brave
im gonna live each day as if it were my last
oh, thats good
you like that?
yeah
say it
im gonna live each day as if it were my last
fantastically
fantasically
courageously
courageously
with grace
with grace
and in the dark of the nite - and it does get dark - when i call a name, itll be your name... whats your name? nevermind, lets go
lets go
everywhere
everywhere
even though
even though
were scared
were scared
cause this is life. and its happening. its really, really happening.
ugh. things are funny. i feel like im going to throw up all the time. its nerves, not a fetus.
behold the face of a woman determined to sabotage every decent relationship she has ever formed:
hey, thats me!
i dont remember what i was going to tell you.
laura veirs sucked, but the opening act was just lovely. a friend took me to see morrissey this past weekend, and that was lovely as well. better than i had expected. june 11th i am hoping to see au revoir simone in cleveland, perhaps tortoise later that week in columbus. ill be in chicago july 12-15 for pitchfork. i will also be there looking for a job and a place to live.
today my mother attempted to confide in me. this is a big deal for someone who generally talks to me like im a retarded five year old. i freaked out and said the wrong thing, and i really upset her. i feel horrible. i cant stop thinking about it. the ball in my stomach gets a little tighter every time i do. im going to get an ulcer. im not kidding.
friday nite i am going to have dinner with my friend luke. then andy and i are going to watch pans labyrinth. ive got some tilling to do this weekend.
i think andy has a tapeworm. they are doing blood tests to find out. ill keep you updated.
i cut my hair tonite. oh shit it looks awful. i should stop cutting my hair at 3am with craft scissors
i am on speakerphone with andy in this photo, most likely yelling at him while he has no idea what im talking about
for the love of god, will someone please change my profile photo? i look like a horse with downs.
you know what this means. shes got that 20d. owwwwwwwwwwww
many more things to say. will update again, soon(ish).
other things going on in my life:
i am planting a small organic vegetable garden in my backyard - suggestions/experiences welcome, as i am solely going on information from books and the internet.
i am in the process of planning a 2-4 week stay as a volunteer on an organic farm in wisconsin in the fall.
im thinking about moving to texas
i am purchasing a used canon 20d, which should be in my possession within the following month. yes, i know ive talked a lot of shit about digital. but the fact is, there are times and places where it makes more sense. the technology is there, i see no shame in taking advantage of it, provided i never abandon my dear 35mm. the 20d will never make my heart as happy as my elan, but it will hopefully help to pay my bills sometime in the near future.
i started taking yoga classes a few weeks ago, and really couldnt be happier about the decision. it is the highlight of my week; i only wish i had done this years ago
i am limiting television viewing to a preset list of programs (new episodes of house, a few nature shows, and cosmology programs) a few times a week, and am filling my time with books. i loved to read as a child, but somewhere in my early teenage years developed the obnoxious habit of typing all of the words on a typewriter in my head. this, combined with a nearly non-existent attention span, has made reading more than a few sentences painfully difficult over the years. i have recently decided that i am no longer making excuses, as i desperately want to be a literate person, and have wanted this for quite some time. i decided to try tactics other than furiously suppressing urges and tendencies. ive found it to be enormously easier to begin reading in a completely relaxed state of mind (with which the aforementioned yoga/meditation has been of great assistance). i am also trying to visualize the scene or the subject, as opposed to the words themselves. it would be nice to not have to do either, but ive accepted that this is simply the way my mind works, and its silly to try to fight it. perhaps most importantly, i am not beating myself up for having to go back and read a paragraph or page a second (or third or fourth) time. my frustration with myself seems to get me into the most trouble nowadays.
i dropped off a few mystery rolls of film today, and will be picking them up tomorrow (i am not able to develop my own prints for the next few months... i dont want to talk about it). maybe i will share some tomorrow, if there are any worth sharing.
ive got to go to bed
my condolences if you actually read that whole thing
live kindly and intelligently, perhaps ill be back in a few weeks
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