i was trying really hard to reply to everyone before posting this, but its been about 2 hours and i just cant do it anymore. it will get done, maybe tomorrow. but not now. i am very tired of staring at this screen.

i wish you could see my room right now. its unbelievable. unbelievably messy, that is. but i really dont have the energy to get up and take a picture. meh.

my cat and i just yawned at the same time. it was really cute.

i swear to god i have interesting things to say, i just forgot them. im going to go eat a cookie and then come back. that should work.

ok, im back. my cookie has pink frosting and little heart sprinkles. this is because valentines days is the only day of the year that we are supposed to love one another. you didnt know that? for shame! ive thought of several issues to discuss, and i am desperate to try out this 'spolier' thing, so here it goes.

im going to go post this and check to make sure my spoilers are working. im not done, but if they arent working im going to be pissed.

ok, ok. very good. they are even in a different font! oh man thats great.

oh my god i almost forgot! pictures!
i KNOW thats what you come here for. part of why i made the spoilers, so you dont have to scroll through all of that shit if you dont want to (but you really should, im a delightful little thing).

lets see, what is new.....

this is my osu hat that ive been wearing every day. its soooooo warm. i adore it.



pictures where youre in the middle of speaking are usually kind of gross. but this one is ok. i have to go outside of my house to smoke. its a bitch.




hmmmm.....ok.




so ive been taking lots of pictures of myself lately. im trying to learn photoshop, which is hard to do when you have no images to work with. and i have no one to take pictures of, so i just do this a lot. it makes me feel weird, but every once in a while they turn out nice.

like this one




or this one




and i didnt have any naked ones this time around, so heres some gratuitous cleavage! yay!







well well i must be going now. i have to leave in an hour, im going to see SIGUR ROS tonite! ohhhhhhh man im excited. ill tell you how it goes.

i have an insanely busy week on my hands, so this will have to be short. i decided to keep doing my housekeeping thing on the side. (did i ever tell you guys that? yeah, i clean peoples houses. couldnt tell by those photos in my last entry, huh?) this is great because it means more money is going toward my tuition. but i am one busy/tired/sore girl. oh well, im willing to suffer through it. it will be worth it.

and when this crazy weekend is over, i will write a better entry and keep up the good work on my responses

i just found out that a friend is having an 80s rock star birthday party tomorrow. stellar!! alas, i have to work. but im going to see if i can switch my off days, because i reaaaaaaaally want to go. im going to guesstimate that ive been to less than a dozen social gatherings in the past year. its sad. there will be so many people there that i love and miss dearly. i really need this. plus, I WANT TO FUCKING DRESS UP!!! what should i wear?

i requested a new profile picture. im praying to jesus theyll take this. i really cannot handle another day of signing on to see my deer in the headlights meets nfl linebacker look. my eyes are already huge, that picture makes them look like theyre falling out of my skull.

anyways, this is the one i want. isnt it better??



my mother brought food for me today, which was lovely. but i wish i would have known she was getting off of work early. i was all set up with my newly downloaded porn, and she probably wondered why i was sitting in the dark with my pants off. awkward.

this is a silly gesture drawing i did in class the other day. but i kind of like him. he is a robot!



hes on 18x24 so he looks way cool in person.

ive been listening to the fray nonstop for the past 2 weeks. i love girly music. the girlier, the better. i am considering going to toronto in march to see them.



time to go to bed, another 13 hour work day awaits


i love you all!!!

sweet holy jesus, do i have treats for you!


actually its just a shitload of pictures. but i know you love them. just admit it. ADMIT IT!!!

if you noticed that i (finally) just commented on your profile, its because i am working on myself a bit. part of this is learning to be a better friend, something which i lack greatly. and if i missed you, i am sorry!! you should probably give me a spanking for being such a bad friend. what???


lets start out with kitty pictures that i took this morning. here, sai saici and i are clad in matching orange sweaters




sai in my window again, with jesus and his posse




oh. my. god. how motherfucking cute is this shit? look at her little toes all stretched out! and shes so fat! yeah, thats my room. i like it that way.




o-ren ishii loves my kisses. shut up! she loves them!




::::::BREASTICLE INTERMISSION:::::





here is my room again, which i just painted. i took the closet doors off and my bed fits perfectly where the closet was. this is the bed from which i am typing right this instant! weeeeeeird.... scrabble! star wars stratego! risk! monopoly! i like board games a whole bunch oh yes i do





YYYYYES!!!





i am not a sexy person. i try really hard sometimes, but i am learning to give it up, because its just not me. i am embracing the fact that i am at heart an elderly, possibly southern woman. but then sometimes, as in this picture, i appear to be a teenage boy.





my comforter is bigger and fluffier than your comforter





this is my face!





i dont think you see me naked enough. so heres a little boob-age





this one is my favorite. thats my pillowperson. her name is sweetdreams. she had pigtails but my big sister ripped them off when i was little. i cried convulsively.






well kids, thats all for the photos. stick around if youve enjoyed the show so far.


if you actually read (present) this, i tip my hat to you (where is the hat-tipping smilie??)

here is where i briefly (yeah, right) tell you whats going on in my life. well, im doing pretty damn well. im working 3rd shift full-time, and going to school in the mornings. despite how crammed my schedule is and how tired it makes me, it also makes me very very happy.it has taken a while but i finally feel like im working toward something: that i have desires and duties that are being excercised and played out, rather than sitting idle in my head, driving me insane. ive found its (harder, but) much more rewarding to participate in the world around me than to recede into the self-pitied, unaffected world i like to create for myself.
oh yeah, about the school thing. thank you everyone for your concern and your suggestions, i really appreciate it i have taken out loans in previous quarters, but ive left school in the middle of the quarter, twice. osu has a 'three strikes youre out' policy, meaning that if i dont finish out this quarter, i wont be allowed to return to the university. one of the catches in my returning to school for my third at bat is that the school will not approve any federal loans. thus, i get no monies. (as for private loans.... thats a whole other story that is too long, but lets just say that theyre out of the question for right now.)
BUT!!! my new job pays well enough that i will be able to finance this quarter on my own. i spoke with the financial office and because of the circumstances (timing, waitlist & everything) they are allowing me until finals to pay my tuition. and if i maintain satisfactory academic progress, i should be able to get loans for future quarters.

synopsis: everything just seemed to work itself out. i am one incredibly lucky, incredibly thankful girl right now.

i am soooooo hungry, all the time. ive been sustaining myself on water, cigarettes, and condensed soup for weeks now. it makes me feel dirty. i kind of like it?

:::news flash::: my good friend cody is playing with the band koufax, who are going on tour with the honorary title in february. they will be playing a great many shows across the us, so if you can find the time to check them out, i highly suggest it! i will be at the show in ann arbor on the 6th, so come and hang out with me!! ::ps:: cody is the drummer, if you see him feel free to harass/throw things at him. (just as long as you give him a kiss afterwards. kisses make everything better.)

i have had the most atrocious songs in my head lately. there are two sections of the building that play music, and my area just happens to be right in the middle. one side plays mostly adult contemporary, the other plays new rock. (if forced to choose, id rather listen to the ac, but i just really dislike new rock.) anyways, any two songs being played simultaneously is incredibly annoying. and then there is this fucking machine in the back, i havent exactly figured out what it is yet, but about every 10 minutes it plays 'amazing grace' on the bagpipes. whyyyyyyyyyyyy

i think my company of employment bought the rights to every rob thomas song ever recorded it really makes me nauseous to hear that voice. and it happens about every half hour.
i must say this though, and at the risk of persecution: i really, honestly like a few of the artists they play. one being kelly clarkson. i know.... i dont get it either. i tried not to, believe me. but i just fucking love her. granted, i dont sit in my room and listen to her cds (if i had them, would i? hmmm.... ) but i thoroughly enjoy hearing her songs when im out in about. i also love christina aguilera (i do have her cds). and justin timberlake. and mariah carey.
cmon now, someone has to one-up me!! is there anything in your musical selection that is slightly embarassing? TELL ME YOUR SECRETS!!

ive learned that my profile picture is even scarier when its tiny.

after a year ive finally figured out how to post photos in my journal. decent photos, i mean. not ones that make it look like i use a disposable camera. i still dont have photo editing software, once upon a time i had photoshop but it was pirated and i..... oh shit it just occured to me that i can probably just pirate it again. awesome.

anyways, here are my precious kitties. soooooooo cute, i could eat them.








i got an e-mail yesterday from school saying that the class i had signed up for this quarter (and had been waitlisted, because it was full) has a spot available for me. sweet. so i tell my parents and they tell me they had decided they arent going to help me out with school. not so sweet. in previous quarters i have taken loans from them, and i always pay them back. thats the rule. but i am completely broke now. and im very sad that i dont get to go to school. im supposed to save up money but i just dont know how im going to save up $800.... i barely have enough to pay my bills. and that will only get me one class. then what am i supposed to do?
sigh..............

well, im going to class anyways. its in 5 hours. im going to talk to my advisor and see if anything can be done. im pretty sure its futile, but i guess it doesnt hurt to try. i want this pretty bad.

i dont really sleep anymore. sometimes when i become so overwhelmingly tired i pass out in the middle of whatever im doing & i will sleep for a half hour, maybe an hour. this happens a few times a day, usually in the afternoon. i think maybe its the complete lack of organization and routine in my life. i have no responsiblities, no school, no job, no one to look after, nothing to fall asleep and wake up for.

currently ive been spending a lot of time on the computer, trying to get everything set up the way i want it. then with my remaining time i eat (but never get full) or sit in my bed and stare off into space (but never fall asleep). i try to work on all the little unfinished projects i have, but i cant seem to focus on anything. im in the process of downloading & installing civ3, and thats something that i can usually play for days straight, so im hoping...

its storming and it has been for hours. i love thunderstorms, and we never get them this time of year. when its light i will probably go outside and watch.

i have an extra ticket to the sigur ros show on february 13th. i wish some of you lived closer, or that i had friends that enjoy ethereal icelandic ambience.

for new years eve i went to a party with my friend tyler. neither of us really knew anyone there. i knew it was probably a bad idea, but considering that my only other option was sitting at home alone, i decided to risk it. to tell the truth, i really didnt have a bad time. i just found the whole experience to be a bit disturbing. some of the girls seemed to think i had a disease (which really isnt that big of a deal, i knew it would be those kind of girls there) so it was kind of funny to see them make complete asses of themselves when they were drunk. but i was really sickened and disappointed by the guys there, who picked out the drunkest ones, made a big circle around them, and tried to get them to have sex with eachother. these girls were sloppy, 'i can hardly stand up or talk and have been puking all nite' drunk. it was this mass of horny boys, chanting and pushing into eachother and trying to put their hands on these girls who obviously had no idea what the hell was going on. i was disgusted. but the thing is, i dont even know if those girls cared. and maybe this is presumptuous, but it seems like thats just what life is to them right now: beer pong and hook-ups. but who the hell am i to talk, all ive got is dream-like consciousness and a laptop.

this was all a pretty depressing entry and i apologize to anyone who actually read it. i just needed to get this out. i dont have any little pictures to add to it, either. sorry

*toast* heres is to something new

i made her.







oh man, i cut off all my hair last nite. its way short and i look like a hardcore lesbian. i love it.

i have my computer back!! so ill be going through comments and such very soon. not within the next few days, though. i was so excited about this that ive literally been on it for 2 days straight, this makes the 3rd day... i took a nap yesterday afternoon, but now i have to get up in 2 hours. i fear that i may become delirious soon. it feels like every muscle in my body has been overwhelmed by gravity and is slowly being dragged toward the earths center. my eyeballs hurt.

the holidays were bad, as usual. but thats how things go in this family. i am attempting to keep my mind off of the negative by focusing my energy on other things. ive volunteered at the humane society for a few years but ive slacked off recently, so im doing that again. im also going to start volunteering at the conservatory. not sure what theyre going to have me do, but i want to be involved in the astonomical society, and this is a good way to get myself acquainted with the members. im super excited about this. cosmology has become my new obsession; im desperately trying to take in as much information as i can. im like a crack fiend, except that its physics and theories and time, and not free-base cocaine....

im also going back to school in march. i have a plan, and that feels good. i should be able to transfer (hopefully to boston) by the end of next year. school will be good for me, i desperately need some structure in my life. ive also been writing a lot, which is my preferred form of therapy.

i would totally wearthis shirt.

i just want to state again that i fucking hate my profile picture. lets hope it gets changed soon.

i am leaving you with this. because i know you want it. oh, mr reynolds, you are naughty! rawwwwwwwr!!!

a few rants.....

(!)
people are mean.
girls, in general.
what ever happened to courtesy? respect?
heres an idea: respectful criticism.
"thats fucking stupid. i hate that. youre wrong."
GROW THE FUCK UP.
we are all adults here, so act like one.
being a bitch does not make you look cool.

(@)
my hard drive is gone. its no good.
but its been hinted that i will be receiving a new one for cmas.
you know what that means...
more updates.
and you know what that means...
more pictures of my cats.
you love it.

(#)
as of late i have been very, very disappointed in the human race.

thank you all for the consoling after my journal catastrophe. i tell myself every time 'copy&paste, copy&paste...' and i did, but right before i submitted it, i copied a single word and pasted it into my dictionary to check the spelling ( sorry, i just really like to spell things correctly), and apparently that was the last thing i copied. ill write another big one here soon... i feel as though i may be zero-ing in on a cure for my computer thats been out of business for almost a YEAR. fucking ridiculous.

i have a few minutes though so id like to share a story.
today i was on the way to see my lover, its about an hour drive and it fucking sucks. but anyways, i passed one of those big cement trucks and i started to wonder "wouldnt that be horrible if a cement truck wrecked? i wonder how they handle a mess like that, or if theres any worry about the cement drying.... ill have to discuss this with andy when i get there (yes, these are the kinds of things we discuss)."
so i get to his house. the news is on. first thing that comes on when i sit down - traffic report: a cement truck had wrecked a few minutes ago, spilling cement all over the highway. it was on the same road i had just been on, and it had to have happened just a minute or two after i had passed that section of highway.

andy says i manifested it. (but he says that about a lot of things.)

am i controlling the universe?

hmmmmmm......

i cant....even... begin to describe....

i spent over 2 hours typing an entry

and the son of a bitch logged me out

i want to cry

oh,
im back bitches.

im so back
im doing lines off the back of a toilet
at bernies

yeah.
thats how back i am.