hello, dears.

it has been a long time. very busy, as usual... it occurred to me recently that i haven't had a vacation since i was 17. no significant breaks from work for 6+ years. that's a long time.

ive acquired a nice job - my first 9-5 and i really like it. ive also been shooting at least once a week and spending my saturdays volunteering with this wonderful organization:
kitten rescue of los angeles
im working on developing an online magazine with the mr and we are quite excited about it.

not much time to do much else. mr pants is not home often as he has been renting a practice space and that is his second home. i still adore the west coast though i have traded in the comfort and security of my family for new opportunities and nice weather and sometimes am a bit sour over it.

i would entertain the idea of submitting another set for your viewing pleasure however things seem to have changed quite a bit around here and i am confused as to how it all works?

heres hoping that all is well.....

in ohio its my birthday, but in california i have to wait an hour.

i forgot to tell you that i moved to los angeles. dont feel bad if you didnt know, because i didnt really tell anyone, i suppose something about disappearing was appealing for me. i love this place and i dont see any reason to ever live anywhere else, really.

mr pants and i are finally together, after years of being dozens or hundreds of miles apart. it finally happened for us, and this is the way it should be. he cooks for me and i neurotically clean everything and it is fully domesticated bliss. he doesnt seem to understand why its not ok to use a towel to clean both the floor and a clean dish, or why it is important to me that we have furniture and do not spend our days eating on the dirty carpet, but i have faith that he will learn someday.

i have an interview in the morning, then i am going to take a nap, go to the beach and get pummeled by the waves (and probably take another nap), go home, bake a pie, go to mr pants' show in hollywood and drink a lot (he promised he would play 'happy birthday' for me on the accordion) then have my roommate drive me home and maybe get laid. this could maybe be the best birthday ever. ill let you know.

ive been shooting a lot, but i havent had a lot of time to work on any of it.


i have a new website


have a good day, dears

its strange to love someone so much that it makes you physically ill
i just want to hug him. i miss him.

no excuses this time. you have the right to feel neglected, because i have, in fact, been neglecting you.

things continue to be weird. chewing on the notion that it is never going to go back to 'normal.' thinking i might be ok with that.

i am 22 now. my joints ache and my fingers are greasy. i have recently developed an incredible fear of aneurysms and heart malfunctions. i find myself grieving the lives of those still living.

i want to go out to a bar and have drinks with friends. i live outside of a little town of about 300 people. i have no friends in the surrounding cities. this makes going out to the bar for drinks difficult.

andy left again. we were trying to see eachother once a month, but i work too much. he is living the life ive always wanted, and my jealousy is at times unbearable. he keeps telling me to make friends. that used to be very easy. nowadays it seems no one is interested. the most recent attempts to communicate my desire for fellowship with other human beings has been disastrous and embarrassing.

my mother was never able to enjoy her youth because of the choices she made. i am not enjoying my youth because thats just the way things worked out. sometimes at nite i get in her bed and lay my head on her lap and she pets my hair and sometimes i cry because of how much i love her.

i feel old and weathered and i feel guilty all the time. i feel like i havent any right to feel anything. i feel like no one really understands how incredibly lonely i am. not unhappy. just lonely.



i started making music. it is one of the most satisfying things ive ever done in my life. i even made a myspace page. its so poorly done and homemade, i love it. i dont know why it says all the songs are five minutes long. theyre not.

i couldnt decide which of these photos was more adorable, so i made them into one photo.




i start school full time again in april. the last ten months. of school. in my life.

dont worry. i am still taking an unhealthy amount of self portraits. i started a website for my photography as well. youre not allowed to see that yet.

i hear thunder

current thoughts:

ive been gone for a while
only partially by choice

there are a few people in my life who deserve all the love and attention i could ever possibly give,
and i just dont have any left for anyone else.
not right now

ill be around

i cant wait to have his babies




i cut off all of andys beautiful hair on july 4th, and its made a new home on his mantle.
he looks better without it




weve been drinking a lot of wine and lying around naked with the windows open.

hes going back to boston september 6th and i dont know what the fuck im going to do here all alone


here is a photo of my ass:




oh man, heres another one:




i have them lying around and i dont know who else to show them to.


i think rachelles been on a coke binge for at least a week. she drove to brooklyn last nite (note: we live in ohio) with her dealer (?)





yep, its pretty glamorous


the arcade fire is so good. so good so good. ive been reciting cars and telephones in my head for days. i want to listen to an album with nothing but regine shouting and making creepy noises.

also: velvet underground (nico & self-titled), bonnie prince billy (the letting go - dawn mccarthy makes that album. ughhhhh so good)


i took some photos of rachelle (you have to click on it, silly)





and this one of andy



i bought this at the thrift store a week or so ago. i took a photo of it after i cleaned it off, but i cant find it




there is more to say, but ive been playing with photoshop for almost 13 hours straight and i think my ass is broken. im leaving now

if you really love me, then lets make a vow. right here. together. right now. ok?
ok
im gonna be free
im gonna be free
and im gonna be brave
im gonna be brave
im gonna live each day as if it were my last
oh, thats good
you like that?
yeah
say it
im gonna live each day as if it were my last
fantastically
fantasically
courageously
courageously
with grace
with grace
and in the dark of the nite - and it does get dark - when i call a name, itll be your name... whats your name? nevermind, lets go
lets go
everywhere
everywhere
even though
even though
were scared
were scared
cause this is life. and its happening. its really, really happening.


ugh. things are funny. i feel like im going to throw up all the time. its nerves, not a fetus.
behold the face of a woman determined to sabotage every decent relationship she has ever formed:



hey, thats me!

i dont remember what i was going to tell you.
laura veirs sucked, but the opening act was just lovely. a friend took me to see morrissey this past weekend, and that was lovely as well. better than i had expected. june 11th i am hoping to see au revoir simone in cleveland, perhaps tortoise later that week in columbus. ill be in chicago july 12-15 for pitchfork. i will also be there looking for a job and a place to live.

today my mother attempted to confide in me. this is a big deal for someone who generally talks to me like im a retarded five year old. i freaked out and said the wrong thing, and i really upset her. i feel horrible. i cant stop thinking about it. the ball in my stomach gets a little tighter every time i do. im going to get an ulcer. im not kidding.

friday nite i am going to have dinner with my friend luke. then andy and i are going to watch pans labyrinth. ive got some tilling to do this weekend.

i think andy has a tapeworm. they are doing blood tests to find out. ill keep you updated.

holy lord my kitty is adorable






i cut my hair tonite. oh shit it looks awful. i should stop cutting my hair at 3am with craft scissors
i am on speakerphone with andy in this photo, most likely yelling at him while he has no idea what im talking about




for the love of god, will someone please change my profile photo? i look like a horse with downs.




you know what this means. shes got that 20d. owwwwwwwwwwww
many more things to say. will update again, soon(ish).