IPOD
RADIO
PICS
1) Camera phone
Band shirts and kisses
Beer and bleary eyes
Wine and whiskers
Definately NOT BLOOD splattered gruesomely all around the cash machine
Endless hours of Peep Show on repeat, including directors commentary and extras.
A boss who gives me horse chestnuts to 'soak in the negative ions coming out of the computer"
Lipstick and bows
2) Webcam
The seductive finger in the mouth is actually just a nervous habit
Watching DVDs with my cat, Tommy
Forcing Mr Lovely into photos with me
Tommy webcamming with some saucy kitten, no doubt. Wink wink.
Spending all day in bed
Writing letters that I'll never send
Making sure to return all Facebook Pokes before work.
Is it a mental illness? I have been reading about different psychological theories behind love, and I must say it is a deeply fascinating subject. I have long maintained that 'falling in love' is no different to falling ill, in the psychological sense.
I have always been the type to love hard, very hard. And I will obsess and obsess myself to sickness about the object of my affection, be it requited or unrequited. For a time I am utterly convinced that I had a form of seperation anxiety that left me physically ill (nauseous, acutely anxious) whenever my lover left me for more than a few hours. Such a love sick puppy, am I.
I have noticed that the people who have experienced episodes of mental ill health from a depressive episode to a full blown psychotic episode, will often state relationship problems as being the trigger for the attack. Is that tangiable evidence? Why aren't the horrendous affects of love broadcast to us in our homes through public service announcements? Why is something we all strive for, so bitter-sweet? Why must it all be so complicated!!
I am currently reading Love Sick: Love as a Mental Illness by Dr Frank Tallis which seems like a good place to start of this theory also interests you. I'm currently at a chapter that talks about the triangular theory of love, which was developed by Sternberg.
This simple diagram has temporarily calmed my seething brain. There it is, the different kinds of love, all laid out in a magnificent traingle. It's so comforting when life can be boiled down to a 2D image and psuedo mathematics.
Intimacy + Passion + Commitment = the perfect relationship.
Do you have all those elements in your relationship? Has the loss of one of these elements been the cause of one your relationship breakdowns?
I will read on, research some more and let you know of my further discoveries.
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Last week I was at Download Festival. I saw lots of amazing bands, my new favourite being Kiss.
Why do my devil horns always look so unconvincing?
Paul Stanley from Kiss. He got on a zipline and transported himself half way into the crowd where I was stood. Rock! They put on a good show, fireworks, big boots, fire, and cheesy songs.
My new hat. His name is Horace.
Stephen Fry explains it best in his novel Making History. He has a much greater skill of using words to explain very complicated feelings. I fear that if I tried to untangle my specific thoughts, it'd be like a game of Kerplunk and dragging out each individual issue would send a cascade of marbles falling to the ground. I lose!
Anyway:
Can you have a crisis at twenty-four? Or is it just the usual crisis of adulthood, something I was going to have to get used to until I doddered into oblivion? For the past year, I realised, I had been suffering from this pain, this leaking of hot lead in my stomach. Every morning when I awoke and stared at the ceiling and listened to Jane's gentle snoring it flooded my gut, a dark swell of recognition that here was another pissing day to get though as me. How can you tell if that's freakish or usual? No one ever says. The ceaselessly expanding Christian Societies in the university would tell you that you needed room for Christ in your life. That your ache was a vacuum in the soul. Yeah, right. Sure. It was the same void that drugs filled, I supposed. I had thought too that maybe this is what Jane was for. No, not what Jane was for, what Love was for. Then either I didn't love Jane as I should or this was another blown theory. The longings of a creative spirit perhaps? Maybe my soul craved expression in Art? But: can't drawn, can't write, can't sing, can't play. Great. Where does that leave me? A kind of Salieri deal perhaps. Cursed with enough of divine fire to recognise it in others, but not enough to create anything myself. Aw, rats...
So perhaps it was nothing more than the fear of a transitional phase in my life. This is when the void yawns in front of you. When you stand at brinks, on thresholds. The void is the doorway you've always wanted to pass through, but as you near it, you can't help looking back and wondering if you dare.
There is more, but you should probably read the rest yourself. I can't type up the entire novel.
It's when you're in a bit of a brain-pickle that you realise who your friends are. I've had some marvellous talks recently, even dug up an old but endlessly enduring friend who has been calming me like diazepam was his business. Thanks Paul, you're one of the good ones. Also my very good friend Bonnie has been an excellent sounding board.
I think perhaps I have reached a point in my life, where I'm saying to myself- what next? I have a career, a husband, a house- with no mortgage. I'm relatively financially comfortable (don't read that as rich, I'm far from that).
I guess I'm asking you, SG. What's next for me? Do you have any suggestions? Maybe I should travel, perhaps I should become religious, Buddhist perhaps- really find my inner peace. Should I run away and join the circus? Give me some answers!
And to top this all off, here is something I found along the course of my day today.
And there we go.
xx
According to Wikipedia:
There are a variety of reasons posited or given for suicide:
Mental disorders
Suffering
Unrequited love
Stress
Grief
withdrawal or discontinuation of psychoactive substances.
As philosophically or ideologically motivated move
To escape punishment or an abusive environment
Guilt or shame
Catastrophic injury
Financial loss
Self sacrifice
As part of a military or social strategy (e.g. suicide attacks)
Belief that life has no inherent value (e.g. absurdism, pessimism, nihilism)
As part of a religious cult
Loneliness
To restore honor (e.g. seppuku)
Curiosity for post-life occurrences.
Unrequited love is 3rd on the list of reasons to kill yourself. Isn't that just amazing? If you're like me and see wikipedia as the ultimate authority of everything, then you will see that this is of great significance to human kind. I was kind of afraid of sharing this information, as unrequited love is pretty much the universal experience.
I think we can all now feel comforted that the numerous times we have contemplated throwing ourselves through the window, or had the urge to ignore the 'caution: contents may be hot" sign and thrust our heads through the polystyrene lid in the hopes of boiling out our brains, just because the object of our affection doesn't even seem to acknowledge our existence is actually completely normal. I find this all marvelously poetic.
I hope that by pointing out this to en masse to the SG population doesn't cause some sort of mass suicide. I have no ambitions in becomming a suicide cult leader. I am just a lowly Suicide Girl (no pun intended.) With a healthily unhealthy view of the world.
PS: I suppose we should be grateful that 'financial loss' isn't higher on the list. The credit crunch is sucking the life from my wallet, and I really can't be bothered on top of crippling matters of the heart, to have to detail my accounts on any suicide note I may write. I could never work excel anyway.
PPS: In the spirit of postmodernism- if you couldn't be bothered to read what I've written, here's a picture. Fuck it all anyway.
So I was watching 'Have I Got News For You' today.
They have a segment where they show a headline from a bizzare publication and blank out part of it, so the panel have to guess the missing words, usually to amusing results
This headline popped up:
Dali Lama offers Gordon Brown a spot of _______
To which I instantly said, without hesitation:
"Oral sex"
I'm not sure what that says about my psyche- perhaps some deep rooted fetish has emerged, or it's a sign of sexual frustration. I am slightly worried though.
(FYI the real answer was 'Spiritual Healing', I was close!)
For your viewing pleasure, please click below to see the BEST episode of HIGNFY, hosted by Brian Blessed. It is an uncut version, featuring footage not seen on the BBC. Too hot for TV!
Other
* My family (sister, brother in law, and step dad) met the in-laws today. We were poised for a disaster. 'Im indoors was so anxious about it, he was shaking. However, all went well. My sister behaved herself and I have not been disowned by anyone. Result.
* I saw All Time Low, Cobra Starship, and Broadway Calls the other day. I was expecting to like All Time Low, however I was bored pretty rigid. I did quite like Cobra Starship though, which suprised me! I'm usually so anti-hipster.
* I'm seeing Foo Fighters play Wembley Stadium next week. I've never been to a stadium gig, so it should be interesting. I haven't really liked or listened to the last few Foo Fighter albums, so I hope they play a lot of older stuff. I think I'll give the new stuff a shot again though, I have been listening to a lot of mellow stuff recently. So perhaps it will resonate.
END.
Eurovison is one of the last remaining proud traditions here in the UK. You non-Europeans may not be aware of this grand annual event that sweeps over Europe like a unexplained rash that is impossible not to scratch. All those who tell you they despise Eurovision are lying to you, it is a guilty pleasure for millions and a secret drug habit for all the others.
Many years ago Great Britain used to pitch their most famous and ilustrious acts. Now it's the soul ambition of terrible pop acts, no-namers, glamour models wanting to become singers, and TV talent show winners. I dislike all of the above. What I do like is the fabulous novelty acts. I'm a huge fan of absurdity!
So my pick of Eurovision 2008 is Bosnia's effort:
I have no idea what is going on, and I love it. Other excelently strange acts this year came from France and Spain, if you fancy youtubing them.
Now you would think that a song contest's winners would be based on the best, or most entertaining songs. Of course that is false. Winners are largely based on a country's popularity amongst their neighbouring countries. For example, all the Baltic countries will vote for each other, all the Russian neighbours will vote for each other etc. So like anything in life it comes down to politics.
It may be unsuprising to learn that the Eurovision 2003 (two months after the US and UK declared war on Iraq) was the year that the UK got 0 points. The previous year we had 111 points- coming joint 3rd. The war had a greater effect on international relations than you had even realised, huh?
Viva la Eurovision!
Other
* There's a new manager at work who is making things a little less than bearable. A new, rather timid co-worker has even described her as being 'completely off her rocker'. I've never met someone quite as insincere and odd as her.
* I saw Terrorvision last night, who were excellent. I did resent them doing an acoustic version of Tequila, even if it's the 'original'. If you're going to be in a band, and happen to write a hit song, expect to play it every night of your career and expect to play it PROPERLY.
Tequila, it makes me happy...
* My husband has had his head cut open, he had a lump on his scalp which had to be removed because it was giving him headaches. He now looks like Frankenstein or a lobotomy victim with part of his head shaved and a large cut brutaly sewn together with blue thread and dried blood coming out of it. He particularly wanted me to blog this, stating his claim upon my blog territory I guess! Men are strange.
* I saw The Color Fred, Meg & Dia, Mayday Parade and Four Year Strong the other day too. There's nothing like trendy new post-punk/hardcore/emo whatever bands to make me feel alientated.
When did I become older than the majority at rock shows? Everyone now has elaborate hair cuts with extensions and bleached bits covering their eyes, and wears jeans that are too baggy at the butt and too tight at the heel. I am confused and frightened by my own peers. I've am quite clearly over the hill and stuck in the past before my time.
* I suppose I should attach a picture of myself, since that is what this website is all about. Here's a picture of myself in some amazing vintage glasses I've found. I'm not so good with fashion, as you can tell. Could I pull of an 'old lady' phase? Wacky glasses and floral dresses? Hmm.
I have immensely enjoyed the SG Community dairy, the two women I have interviewed have really shown me the peaks of human bravery, fighting their own illnesses in their different ways. There are some truely extraordinary women on this site, and by allowing us to peek into their lives I think they exposing themselves far beyond their naked bodies. There aren't many people with those kinds of balls.
We stayed at the Gold Coast hotel/casino for the... well, just read the sign. It was awesome, lots of cool rockabilly and surf bands.
At the vintage car show at Viva Las Vegas. Oh how I lusted after one of those cars.
We also explored the strip:
Met some animals:
At The Mirage's Secret Garden
Then stayed at Mandalay Bay's THE Hotel.
Which was quite posh.
Then I got married:
(You can see my actual wedding photos a couple of journals ago)
We went on a helicopter trip to the Grand Canyon:
Which is probably one of the most amazing experiences of my life.
A pretty neat holiday, huh?
I'm already getting a case of wanderlust again. Still haven't felt I've explored American enough (although I've been all over the world). I'm thinking of going to Chicago in October. PunkNiteMike and I might go to Riot Fest. So far ALL are the only band confirmed to play. Good job I love ALL! Hope I can save enough money for then.
Whatever happens I'm pretty certain I want to visit California again in Spring 2009. I went to CA in 2006 for the Dwarves video shoot in LA. Would be good to see some other cities. Any suggestions? I'm pretty sure I'll stop by the SF Bay Area.
