What's red and goes up and down, up and down?

What goes 'click-is that it? click-is that it? click-is that it?'

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender looks up n' says "hey buddy, why the long face?"

What do you call a potato shaped like a penis?

A dick-tater.

I didn't know she was a magician until
She put her hand on my knee and I
Turned into a motel

You can flip through a bunch of my joke. Well, maybe not jokes but humor.
My webcomic

Two guys walk into a bar which is kinda funny in and of itself cause you figure the second guy woulda seen the first guy walk into it...

What's black and white and red all over and has trouble getting through a revolving door?

Two stoners are in a boat fishing in the ocean. One has his legs dangling in the water. A few sharks swim up to the boat and one bites the man on his leg. He shouts, "Ow! My leg!" The other guy ask, "Which one?" and in reply he says, "I don't know man, all sharks look a like to me!"

My one good Shark Week joke. lol

This is a long joke with a pay off. So bear with me...

Three people die in the same area and around the same time. All three go to heaven to meet Saint Peter. "Due to the growing populace of heave we can only allow one of you in. So, who ever had the worst death will enter heaven."

A man dressed in a business suit walks up first. "I was work and it has been some time that I thought my wife was cheating on me. I go home early from work to see if she has. I see that she is in a shower alone...In my guilt I walk out to the balcony of our apartment complex. I see a man hiding from me by hanging off the balcony. I stop on his feet to throw him off. I see that he falls a few floors into the bushes and just to makes sure he was dead I pushed our refrigerator off the balcony onto him. I was so guilty that I went inside and killed myself.

The second man dressed casually walks up. "I was on the balcony of my apartment complex Planking when I fell off. I caught onto another balcony but a man came out scream stomped on my fingers and I fell off. The last thing I remember seeing is a refrigerator."

((I suddenly realize how morbid this joke is. But, I must continue on already typed too much.))

The third man who was stark naked comes up and gives a long sigh before he speaks. "Imagine this...Naked inside of a refrigerator."


Anyway, I hope that at least cracked a smile on your face. What has you so bummed out?

Jesus Christ walks into a hotel. He hands the hotel manager nails. The manager asks "what do you want me to do?" Jesus says, "Put me up for the night."

Feel better.

Again, another long one, but it made me chuckle

"First of all, - just for some background: My Mum died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's fucked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up.
Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.
I don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so fucking beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy shit went down and I had to leave home. (My dad's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).
Sooo... I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.
My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to fuck her brains out. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.
After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging.
Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.
My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was fucked up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.
Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her. But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever fucking seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.
A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was surprised.
But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone. It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him."

don't be sad!

I hate waking up late
So do you feel better?
Wanna hit something?

Well I could send you naked pics but I don't want you to die laughing. I hope things get better soon.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?