Okay, enough of that namby pampy feelings bullshit from my last entry. I'm having a hard time holding myself together today answering the help requests, so I thought I would have another one of those entries where we all get to laugh at silly, random and incompetent people. I'm not going to name names, I just want to share some of the best requests I've had in the last few months.

First, a short one.

-- ORIGINAL REQUEST --
I live in Canada

Yes, folks, that's the whole request. I told them to switch to Firefox.

Next, a rather long one. I'm not sure I've even read the whole thing.

-- ORIGINAL REQUEST --
ok i found that my rubing on my couch makes me cum but... i had my head down for long time and when doing this and got up and major dizzness and very sharp pain inthe back of my head and front. 2hours later i tooka hot shower and kept rubbing my nose to breathbetter and blood was everywhere for at least ahour. i stoped it. my major pressuer onit. then contue my shower. then i put aqtip with somenose gel on it. to shoote my nose and i mad myslefsnezzed thankgod just alittle blood went to bed the next day no blood. but that night it felt dry so iput the qtip inagain . ifelt asnezz and blood was everyhwere for more then ahour finally it stop went to bed. the next day my grandparents planed for me to go to ac. so when we were onthe bus it was it felt like my nose was running. so iwould sniff it in. the whole ride onthebus for 3hours i swalloed blood. when igot of i put myhead down and myblood was verywhere i got it to stop. but about 10:00pm thta night after dinner ifelt asnezz and blood wsa everyhwere. the guard seen me hold my nose. so he says u need anurse. so he took me there and she took my blood pressure and it was 160/80 my whole life my pressure was low or perfect. and took my temp which was 103.and thebleeding stop becasue she put presure on it. and said i need to go to the hosipital but or bus was coming in ahour so. we just sat down and notwalked around and justwaited for the bus. then when we got home at1;30 inthe moring. it didnt bleed.soi figurged i didnt ned the hosipital. but after i got undress and went tothebathroom and snezzedagin it start.i got really panic called my grandma and shesaid were going tothe hosipital. afterbleeding about 25 mins. we get tothehosipital and it stops they tkae my pressure and itwas 140/70 so the said. to wiat in the er room they had us there until 6 inthemoring then the doc looks inmy nose says ur dry . then he came in the room with these sticks and burned me. then 10 mins later ifelt asnezze agin. so allthis sliver stuff and blood was everywhere. and my gradnma came in at the time dont the doctor iwsa bleeding and he said iwas fine she said no shes not he looked mad to me. and he came and said ineed to be packed he said itwsa aballon and that i'll get ainfection. when he did it ifelt my eyees get allwatery he said i'll ned to see aent in3 days. he never told me what i can or not do with thepack in me. when i got home that mroing about 8;00 i felt sick from swalloing alltheblood so ikpet strain touse the bathroom and didnt wnattobrother mygrandparenst toask for a lax. so ineverwent i dedice to just lay down the next moring my nose was killing me and my upperlipaswell
idrankhot te anad my grandma made soup with paper in and i felt alot of pain in my mouth but figurged itwsa jst from my nose. later that night about8o'clock they took me home. baout 10o'clock ikeptsnezzing reallyhard half of the packing wsa hanging out. idint see blood and couldnt take thepain of it in. so as apinful as itwsa coming out i tok it out. figuring thats what thent will doanyways. noblood thankgood but ikeptsnezzing so iblew thankgod nobloodstill. but the next moring ifelt this hardstuff my nose whcih was probaly some of the sliver stuf he burned mynose with. and itwsa onthe outside of mynose aburnmark fromthestickhe use iraed itwsa posion and picked itout and blood evryhwere for 20mins finally it stop and no blood all ady. the next day i go to thent shesaid iwasnt caterzie and not toeatspicy food or strain or lift etc.. so ithoughtitwsa becasue i would bled so i didn't tellher anything ornaything about what did just said it fell out. shelloke dinmy nose said iwas swollen and sheseen ahug glub of mucus stuckmythere. and said imight have aplopys mygrandparenst told me thats something uget when ur born . ihavent seen thent sincethat day and i'm worried sick that something crazy gonna happen tomy nose or even my eyes because iwsas woolen and even myeras becasue ehwsa soharsh onme that iherad it can eefct urears i'm so scared idont know whta to do but i know my grandparents dont want togo tothedoc anymore and i have noclue whats gonna happen tome becasue i smeel smoke and frangrances and stuff and mynose has bled two times after this. please help i'm sick todeath overthis.......

Seriously, what?

And here we have some people who can't use the help form:

BROWSER: ineternet esploror

BROWSER: Internet

BROWSER: whats up with your chat server

Oh.

This is a good one I got over the weekend, actually:

-- ORIGINAL REQUEST --
i am probably in the wrong area but I have tried every other area. My daughter will be 30 on Valentine's day this yr. She has had had alot of problems beginning last fall when she fell and damaged her rotator cuff and I know you know just how important that it heals properly. She has always had very low self esteem . She is a very gorgeous girl inside and out. She game us a beautiful grandson. It would mean everything to me to bring her our there to be able to have a "surprise" birthday of her life. Please Dr. Phil HELP me. My phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx or cell xxx-xxx-xxxx. Dr Phil I will clean your office free for a year if we can pull this off. Sincerely and a devoted friend
*name removed*

I think you might have filled out the wrong form, honey. It's almost as good as the woman who thought about SGs in the shower but she was married and didn't know what to do, which I unfortunately can't find.

Finally, I leave you today with the best help request I have ever received. It is concise, accurate, easy to read and brutally, terribly honest.

-- ORIGINAL REQUEST --
i dont know what im doing

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And with that, here's a picture of a Flux with a pancake on its head.