IPOD
RADIO
PICS
the moment I left highschool a change came over me. I decided I would never answer to anyone ever again. I was free to do what I wanted and live how I want. For the most part I do.
I suppose now that this is a fallcay in several ways. Firstly, I never really stopped letting myself be pushed around in little ways, as we all do. But more importantly, my personal set of moral guidelines, the ones that don't fit with anybody elses, aren't justified by the freedom they bring me.
I never want to sacrifice anything, I thought then. the worst thing is resenting the confines of your own life.
What this ends up meaning is that other people end up having to sacrifice to me, just to stay on common ground. And we resent eachother even more. I've lost friends and lovers this way.
Where's the freedom in that?
How do I even begin to mend this?
I suppose now that this is a fallcay in several ways. Firstly, I never really stopped letting myself be pushed around in little ways, as we all do. But more importantly, my personal set of moral guidelines, the ones that don't fit with anybody elses, aren't justified by the freedom they bring me.
I never want to sacrifice anything, I thought then. the worst thing is resenting the confines of your own life.
What this ends up meaning is that other people end up having to sacrifice to me, just to stay on common ground. And we resent eachother even more. I've lost friends and lovers this way.
Where's the freedom in that?
How do I even begin to mend this?
so much uncertainty!
the weather is lovely again though I'm taking it with a grain of salt. every night i walk around under the moon and don't need to ear gloves. people are out on the lawn again and I curse my afternoon classes.
not really though, I like my classes alot this semester, especailly art and writing. I got my very own lab rat in psychology class on friday. he peed on me.
I think having a desk has helped me out alot as far as studying.
I don't have enough money for an external hard drive, and my computer is filling up so fast!
I've gone through the ringer trying to get my double major approved. I'm in the middle of my junior qualifying exam as we speak, but that's only half the puzzle. If I pass anyway ...
It's been ups and down with my heart lately, but the downs are rememdied by the ups for certain. I am a very lucky girl and all aglow inside like this.
Valentine's day is just around the corner, and I am exited to write secret valentines for everyone.
As usual it's all fine day clouds flying by, over here in absinthe-land.
the weather is lovely again though I'm taking it with a grain of salt. every night i walk around under the moon and don't need to ear gloves. people are out on the lawn again and I curse my afternoon classes.
not really though, I like my classes alot this semester, especailly art and writing. I got my very own lab rat in psychology class on friday. he peed on me.
I think having a desk has helped me out alot as far as studying.
I don't have enough money for an external hard drive, and my computer is filling up so fast!
I've gone through the ringer trying to get my double major approved. I'm in the middle of my junior qualifying exam as we speak, but that's only half the puzzle. If I pass anyway ...
It's been ups and down with my heart lately, but the downs are rememdied by the ups for certain. I am a very lucky girl and all aglow inside like this.
Valentine's day is just around the corner, and I am exited to write secret valentines for everyone.
As usual it's all fine day clouds flying by, over here in absinthe-land.
its so delightful to be 20. My birthday was absolutely perfect in that I was blissfully happy for the entire day, from midnight to midnight to when I woke up at noon the next day. Here is how it went -
I was tied to a chair and slunk upon by beautiful girls who then spanked me savagely.
I was picked up and then cuddled with the kitten for a while, then went across campus where 2 perfect presents and a donut with 5 candles in it were waiting for me.
I slept until noon and slouched around until 2 or 3, ate breakfast and crept back to the co-op.
The afternoon was spent watching Alohra's cat, Iggy Lou, fight my roomate's kitten, drinking tea, walking in the rainy garden by school.
Bought $110 worth of alcohol.
Recieved beautiful and perfect presents from my dear friends, comrade got me something from Bettina's faux fur!
Got glammed up and wore a perfect blue fluffy dress.
Did some jager shots with my girlfriends, who came to the party early!
Made a playlist and lay in bed.
My dormmate made 3 pink cakes and a cheesecake with candles in it!
The party got super crowded and we drank and fluttered about and finally people started dancing.
Danced with beautiful girls and a beautiful boy and smooched them thouroughly.
Crawled into bed.
Went to sleep, 4 hours later.
Snuggled up, with peter the kitten exploring the carnage of my room.
Woke up nice and late and took a slinky shower, went withScylla and Alohra to eat yummy snacks.
Now I'm here at work downloading music to make me cheery!
So I sort of feel like my birthday is still going on.
Everyone is so lovely, I am really the luckiest girl the ever survive adolescence.
I was tied to a chair and slunk upon by beautiful girls who then spanked me savagely.
I was picked up and then cuddled with the kitten for a while, then went across campus where 2 perfect presents and a donut with 5 candles in it were waiting for me.
I slept until noon and slouched around until 2 or 3, ate breakfast and crept back to the co-op.
The afternoon was spent watching Alohra's cat, Iggy Lou, fight my roomate's kitten, drinking tea, walking in the rainy garden by school.
Bought $110 worth of alcohol.
Recieved beautiful and perfect presents from my dear friends, comrade got me something from Bettina's faux fur!
Got glammed up and wore a perfect blue fluffy dress.
Did some jager shots with my girlfriends, who came to the party early!
Made a playlist and lay in bed.
My dormmate made 3 pink cakes and a cheesecake with candles in it!
The party got super crowded and we drank and fluttered about and finally people started dancing.
Danced with beautiful girls and a beautiful boy and smooched them thouroughly.
Crawled into bed.
Went to sleep, 4 hours later.
Snuggled up, with peter the kitten exploring the carnage of my room.
Woke up nice and late and took a slinky shower, went withScylla and Alohra to eat yummy snacks.
Now I'm here at work downloading music to make me cheery!
So I sort of feel like my birthday is still going on.
Everyone is so lovely, I am really the luckiest girl the ever survive adolescence.
well rockers, in 15 minutes I'll no longer be a teenager. All the angst, tears and insecurities, the acne, food issues and bad fashion, the unrequited crushes and flegdling sexual encounters. I dunno if I'm ready to give it up... 
Today I had an existential detective follow me around. I don't know how exiting it was for the detective, but I was amused. In the words of Sophie Calle (a real existential detective), "I'm only fearless if you compare me to people who don't do anything."
I'm almost a big girl now. I'm done with being little and scared, at least I'll try to be.
Today I had an existential detective follow me around. I don't know how exiting it was for the detective, but I was amused. In the words of Sophie Calle (a real existential detective), "I'm only fearless if you compare me to people who don't do anything."
I'm almost a big girl now. I'm done with being little and scared, at least I'll try to be.
skool skool skool!
I love my new roomate who has a kitten. They make me feel like a box full of kittens. I also like my classes alot, even art history, and I even went on a field trip today. Good.
I am a mountain of stress for many reasons. but, I will surmount them using Scylla's inspriational sales-boosting book I am reading. self esteem yo.
I love my new roomate who has a kitten. They make me feel like a box full of kittens. I also like my classes alot, even art history, and I even went on a field trip today. Good.
I am a mountain of stress for many reasons. but, I will surmount them using Scylla's inspriational sales-boosting book I am reading. self esteem yo.
/hey, my summer girl./
I don't care what you say. I don't.
Strippers the most beautiful, wild creatures I have ever known. And you know they play the songs you love best when they are taking their clothes off, because they are happy. Because they are free.
I don't care what you say. I don't.
Strippers the most beautiful, wild creatures I have ever known. And you know they play the songs you love best when they are taking their clothes off, because they are happy. Because they are free.
school again. I have a week before classes start. I came before everyone else so I could have the dorm to myself, pack everything for my move (into the room next door) and chill out a bit. I've been 6 plane flights in a month and I think I've transcended time zones.
Hawaii was all sun and perfect leafy and ocean green, I could see myself running away and living there, living of of coconuts and shaved ice from an aluminum sided truck, swimming everyday and turning golden like the sand.
Toronto was magical and perfect hotel-sheet snow white. I felt like a princess and over those days I could see a whole possible life unfolding in my head. A half of a townhouse painted blue with a balcony in kensington. Buying groceries at the market and big armloads of flowers, coming home to a house with sawdusty light and a pink soap ring in the tub. Snowflakes sifting down over everything falling down past my window view from the tallest buildings, fogging the glass.
California was itself, gray, flat, misty. I feel as though I can never outrun my memories of that place. I keep returning and they keep returning to me. I fly away but I always come back.
catagogo and I lurked around walmart, the movie theatre. We lay on the futon in her apartment and talked about boys. The rain was coming down biblical and so we only made it to SF once. I spent new years with my dear catagogo and the charming Mr Harry Potter, and this mystery cocktail made of Grenadine Champagne Vodka Pinapple juice. I slunk around my house and crept in all too late at night. My sister is doing her college aps and these ladies kept coming to the house to tell my mom to replace the carpet and paint the walls before putting the house on the market. X and xx were living in the snow working the resort and I was jealous as the rain fell and fell in the valley. I recently learned that x has become diabetic, which was cause for concern for me. It's easy to think things will always be mostly the same with people and then it just changes. There is this one field left in the middle of town that they havent developed yet. There was one, Tim Burton esque old tree out there in the field, and i drove by the other day and it had keeled over, uprooted. I wanted to go up to it and have a look but you cant really walk between the rows without trampling the crops of whatever-it-is or without fearing shotgun blasts.
But that's home for you. You never know what's missing until it is, and you just might get it back again in a different form.
College again and its all quiet and tranquil at 2 am. My room feels like a place someone else left behind, even after I started packing up all my things. i haven't stayed in a place for more than a week or so in about a month. A month isn't long but its enough to rattle your compass.
Hawaii was all sun and perfect leafy and ocean green, I could see myself running away and living there, living of of coconuts and shaved ice from an aluminum sided truck, swimming everyday and turning golden like the sand.
Toronto was magical and perfect hotel-sheet snow white. I felt like a princess and over those days I could see a whole possible life unfolding in my head. A half of a townhouse painted blue with a balcony in kensington. Buying groceries at the market and big armloads of flowers, coming home to a house with sawdusty light and a pink soap ring in the tub. Snowflakes sifting down over everything falling down past my window view from the tallest buildings, fogging the glass.
California was itself, gray, flat, misty. I feel as though I can never outrun my memories of that place. I keep returning and they keep returning to me. I fly away but I always come back.
catagogo and I lurked around walmart, the movie theatre. We lay on the futon in her apartment and talked about boys. The rain was coming down biblical and so we only made it to SF once. I spent new years with my dear catagogo and the charming Mr Harry Potter, and this mystery cocktail made of Grenadine Champagne Vodka Pinapple juice. I slunk around my house and crept in all too late at night. My sister is doing her college aps and these ladies kept coming to the house to tell my mom to replace the carpet and paint the walls before putting the house on the market. X and xx were living in the snow working the resort and I was jealous as the rain fell and fell in the valley. I recently learned that x has become diabetic, which was cause for concern for me. It's easy to think things will always be mostly the same with people and then it just changes. There is this one field left in the middle of town that they havent developed yet. There was one, Tim Burton esque old tree out there in the field, and i drove by the other day and it had keeled over, uprooted. I wanted to go up to it and have a look but you cant really walk between the rows without trampling the crops of whatever-it-is or without fearing shotgun blasts.
But that's home for you. You never know what's missing until it is, and you just might get it back again in a different form.
College again and its all quiet and tranquil at 2 am. My room feels like a place someone else left behind, even after I started packing up all my things. i haven't stayed in a place for more than a week or so in about a month. A month isn't long but its enough to rattle your compass.
