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This town makes me so miserable.
I don't know why I come here. All I do is cheapen my memories of this place by doing so. By wishing again and again and again that I could take back what I fucked up and relive what I didn't.
My life's momentum is carrying me away, away, away from here like it has from the very beggining. I just never had the courage to make a clean break with a time a place a person or a past.
I don't know why I come here. All I do is cheapen my memories of this place by doing so. By wishing again and again and again that I could take back what I fucked up and relive what I didn't.
My life's momentum is carrying me away, away, away from here like it has from the very beggining. I just never had the courage to make a clean break with a time a place a person or a past.
oh christmas tree, oh christmas tree ...
I was feeling a bit low this christmas, but it felt good to wake up early and find my stocking, to hang around under the tree in my pj's, to snuggle on the couch with my sister. I was kind of overwhelmed by the many people in the house and I'm not quite sure why since I don't feel like that usually. I had to go escape for a while and make phone calls.
I like wandering the house snacking on marzipan and cocktail olives and chocolate and mulled wine. The most amazing present of all time (besides hello kitty paraphenalia and beautiful things from sephora) is a Canon 20D camera. There's no stopping me now. (My uncle taught me how to use it, he's very tech savvy.) It's a beautiful machine and I'm going to use it to reveal secrets, uncover beauty and transform life. Beware.
Nights like this I used to sneak out, walking through the semi-rain to look at the colored lights, to wander the greenbelt and golf course and neighborhood. I guess it's a little too cold for that sort of thing tonight, but sometimes it feels like I'll hear rain like rocks at the window.
I was feeling a bit low this christmas, but it felt good to wake up early and find my stocking, to hang around under the tree in my pj's, to snuggle on the couch with my sister. I was kind of overwhelmed by the many people in the house and I'm not quite sure why since I don't feel like that usually. I had to go escape for a while and make phone calls.
I like wandering the house snacking on marzipan and cocktail olives and chocolate and mulled wine. The most amazing present of all time (besides hello kitty paraphenalia and beautiful things from sephora) is a Canon 20D camera. There's no stopping me now. (My uncle taught me how to use it, he's very tech savvy.) It's a beautiful machine and I'm going to use it to reveal secrets, uncover beauty and transform life. Beware.Nights like this I used to sneak out, walking through the semi-rain to look at the colored lights, to wander the greenbelt and golf course and neighborhood. I guess it's a little too cold for that sort of thing tonight, but sometimes it feels like I'll hear rain like rocks at the window.
oh, home sweet home.
I spent the last week in hawaii visiting my cousin. I lay on the beach and swam in the ocean. I survived on a diet of coconut juice and shaved ice and ice cream and tropical fruit and ahi and greens. I drove my cousin's Forester all around with the windows down, getting lost in the jungle and hitting switchback curves. The only radio station that wasn't christmas music played only top 40 radio from 2-4 years ago. I'm talking the "dawson's creek" theme song and tracy chapman and lisa loeb and savage garden (the only current thing I heard was a new Green Day song that seemed to follow me everywhere). Nostalgia for when I used to actually listen to the radio. I hung out with a girl who was visiting from U of O and we got along just fine.
here are the things I didn't do -
wear underwear
wake up early
miss wintertime.
Being on the island gave me some time to think about things. The line is so blurred there - between affluence and poverty, tourist and local, pollution and jungle, poison and vitality, christianized and indigenous - it's hard to say what to do, what's the right way to live, what's the way to happiness and health and a future. I stayed with a zen buddist accountant and a southern girl turned island lady (and a dog with "anxiety"). They were amazing to me. I've been thinking about my "beliefs" or my "morals" or Honor (this kind of nonsense always comes up during the new year) and I hope I cant start to unravel what's right. Even though the feng shui purchased from eBay seemed a little weird, I could tell they are on to something, they are happy and loving life, and that seemed right to me.
It feels good to come home with a little bit of golden still clinging to me. How I missed being a Pacific girl!
Now I'm in california for my last christmas before the folks move back east. The house smells like cookies. I was stressed about christmas but I only have a few more things to purchase.
Today we ventured into the Mall. It was scary with the crowds and the sales bekoning us in and the sales ladies asking us if we "need help" and who takes their children to mall at christmastime, anyway? But we made it out alive. I wished my dear friend was still working at Hot Topic so I could go make fun of her and eat a cinnabon on her break, but alas she is no longer a mall slave. I'm sure the mallrat post-highschool days will resurrect themselves soon enough. Not much to do around here and all.
I spent the last week in hawaii visiting my cousin. I lay on the beach and swam in the ocean. I survived on a diet of coconut juice and shaved ice and ice cream and tropical fruit and ahi and greens. I drove my cousin's Forester all around with the windows down, getting lost in the jungle and hitting switchback curves. The only radio station that wasn't christmas music played only top 40 radio from 2-4 years ago. I'm talking the "dawson's creek" theme song and tracy chapman and lisa loeb and savage garden (the only current thing I heard was a new Green Day song that seemed to follow me everywhere). Nostalgia for when I used to actually listen to the radio. I hung out with a girl who was visiting from U of O and we got along just fine.
here are the things I didn't do -
wear underwear
wake up early
miss wintertime.
Being on the island gave me some time to think about things. The line is so blurred there - between affluence and poverty, tourist and local, pollution and jungle, poison and vitality, christianized and indigenous - it's hard to say what to do, what's the right way to live, what's the way to happiness and health and a future. I stayed with a zen buddist accountant and a southern girl turned island lady (and a dog with "anxiety"). They were amazing to me. I've been thinking about my "beliefs" or my "morals" or Honor (this kind of nonsense always comes up during the new year) and I hope I cant start to unravel what's right. Even though the feng shui purchased from eBay seemed a little weird, I could tell they are on to something, they are happy and loving life, and that seemed right to me.
It feels good to come home with a little bit of golden still clinging to me.
How I missed being a Pacific girl!Now I'm in california for my last christmas before the folks move back east. The house smells like cookies. I was stressed about christmas but I only have a few more things to purchase.
Today we ventured into the Mall. It was scary with the crowds and the sales bekoning us in and the sales ladies asking us if we "need help" and who takes their children to mall at christmastime, anyway? But we made it out alive. I wished my dear friend was still working at Hot Topic so I could go make fun of her and eat a cinnabon on her break, but alas she is no longer a mall slave.
I'm sure the mallrat post-highschool days will resurrect themselves soon enough. Not much to do around here and all.on the day we moved in (december 7th) 8 years ago my parents told me they are moving to the east coast. It's strange, it's good, it's scary, it's a relief. I knew they wouldn't stay when one of the limbs of our 100 year old almond tree fell off, smashing the roof of my car and splintering the tree down the middle. It seems right for them to move to a place where all the trees are old that way, where the green grows over smashed cars, where backyards go for days.
finals week is in full swing. I've been waiting for this semester to end since it began, I've felt so confused academically. I need a fresh start.
/Cause we all need a fresh start. And I'm gonna get my fresh start, and I'm gonna wreck my fresh start .../ I will miss sculpture class with my friends though.
Last night was party party party. Winter parties have the kind of sharp, chilly energy that makes my heart flutter around in my ribcage, like anything could happen, in both the most ominous or beautiful way.
p.s - I'm dying of nostalgia, as my dormies are watching Dawson's Creek in the social room. When I was about 14 I was convinced that show was my life. I used to tape the episodes and watch them and cry !!
finals week is in full swing. I've been waiting for this semester to end since it began, I've felt so confused academically. I need a fresh start.
/Cause we all need a fresh start. And I'm gonna get my fresh start, and I'm gonna wreck my fresh start .../ I will miss sculpture class with my friends though.
Last night was party party party. Winter parties have the kind of sharp, chilly energy that makes my heart flutter around in my ribcage, like anything could happen, in both the most ominous or beautiful way.
p.s - I'm dying of nostalgia, as my dormies are watching Dawson's Creek in the social room. When I was about 14 I was convinced that show was my life. I used to tape the episodes and watch them and cry !!
week-before-finals-week is about to begin.
the question - will i make it through without fucking up?
and I don't just mean academically.
when I was living with my friends in the summer in the professors' houses everything felt really simple. I was by myself, and doing the same things in the same order every day - breakfast, work, dinner, garden, sleep. The sun got onto my skin through the leaves and clung there. It felt like I had this clarity and all this time. Time to just be bored and take pictures and write and be dumb.
Love makes me crazy. And in a clinical way, not a cliche'd way. I know I'm happy just being and living, so you'd think I wouldn't be so manic or moody or insecure when in a relationship. I don't know what this is all about, but I look back and realize that it's just how I've always been. With x and xx I had the luxury of taking the high ground most of the time in fights, so I always thought if i was with someone who treated me right i'd be good and it'd be easy. But i realize that its not always the situation, this time its what's inside me. How terrible to discover this and not know how to stop being tearful, worried, depressed, bitter - the things I thought I'd never be under such good circumstances.
now to go study. !
the question - will i make it through without fucking up?
and I don't just mean academically.
when I was living with my friends in the summer in the professors' houses everything felt really simple. I was by myself, and doing the same things in the same order every day - breakfast, work, dinner, garden, sleep. The sun got onto my skin through the leaves and clung there. It felt like I had this clarity and all this time. Time to just be bored and take pictures and write and be dumb.
Love makes me crazy. And in a clinical way, not a cliche'd way. I know I'm happy just being and living, so you'd think I wouldn't be so manic or moody or insecure when in a relationship. I don't know what this is all about, but I look back and realize that it's just how I've always been. With x and xx I had the luxury of taking the high ground most of the time in fights, so I always thought if i was with someone who treated me right i'd be good and it'd be easy. But i realize that its not always the situation, this time its what's inside me. How terrible to discover this and not know how to stop being tearful, worried, depressed, bitter - the things I thought I'd never be under such good circumstances.
now to go study. !
they keep promising us snow but the east coasters know better and arent' suprised by the endless rain too wet to crystallize. The night it was going to happen I was in a black mood and couldn't sleep at all. I want clean perfect snow falling down on my white coat. I want to throw snowballs at the doubtful Canadians.
for the first time in ever, I think I'm happy with it being December. Usually the gray trees and sloshy puddles make we want to curl up and die. And I've been moody and sulky but it's almost good. I'm thinking about where I'm going with all of this and that makes me happy even though its scary and depressing and overwhelming. walking over the blue bridge and seeing our sad little canyon all stretched out and chilly with the leaves fading in the mud and mist. It's nice to have the climate inside my head match the ouside.
for the first time in ever, I think I'm happy with it being December. Usually the gray trees and sloshy puddles make we want to curl up and die. And I've been moody and sulky but it's almost good. I'm thinking about where I'm going with all of this and that makes me happy even though its scary and depressing and overwhelming. walking over the blue bridge and seeing our sad little canyon all stretched out and chilly with the leaves fading in the mud and mist. It's nice to have the climate inside my head match the ouside.
