week-before-finals-week is about to begin.

the question - will i make it through without fucking up?
and I don't just mean academically.
when I was living with my friends in the summer in the professors' houses everything felt really simple. I was by myself, and doing the same things in the same order every day - breakfast, work, dinner, garden, sleep. The sun got onto my skin through the leaves and clung there. It felt like I had this clarity and all this time. Time to just be bored and take pictures and write and be dumb.
Love makes me crazy. And in a clinical way, not a cliche'd way. I know I'm happy just being and living, so you'd think I wouldn't be so manic or moody or insecure when in a relationship. I don't know what this is all about, but I look back and realize that it's just how I've always been. With x and xx I had the luxury of taking the high ground most of the time in fights, so I always thought if i was with someone who treated me right i'd be good and it'd be easy. But i realize that its not always the situation, this time its what's inside me. How terrible to discover this and not know how to stop being tearful, worried, depressed, bitter - the things I thought I'd never be under such good circumstances.

now to go study. !