The surprising success of last year's Rambo proved that today's theatrical audience is being underserved when it comes to neck-crunchings, arrow-piercings, and exploding heads, which is why for the last few months Sylvester Stallone has been deeply ensconced filming The Expendables. A deliberately... more

The surprising success of last year's Rambo proved that today's theatrical audience is being underserved when it comes to neck-crunchings, arrow-piercings, and exploding heads, which is why for the last few months Sylvester Stallone has been deeply ensconced filming The Expendables. A deliberately old-school action extravaganza with a seventy million-dollar budget, the film boasts an all-star roster of action notables that includes modern stars like Jet Li and Jason Statham as well as classic action men such as Stallone and Schwarzenegger (Jean-Claude Van Damme famously refused a role in the film after claiming Stallone insulted him during negotiations).

On board as the film's villain is another vintage action lead: blonde Swedish giant Dolph Lundgren, who first came to prominence as the unstoppable Soviet squaring off against Stallone in 1985's seminal study of Cold War relations, Rocky IV. That film was, of course, such a mega-success that Lundgren followed up with a flurry of big-budget actioners of his own such as Red Scorpion, Masters of the Universe, and Roland Emmerich's vastly underrated Universal Soldier.

As they tend to do, the cultural winds eventually shifted and the bodybuilder-centric, save-the-girl style of action that dominated in the '80s and early '90s gave way to the more fantastical, comic-oriented fare that now rules the box-office. To keep the rent paid, Lundgren and other roundhouse-kicking luminaries of his era moved to the field of direct-to-DVD movies, where they could crank out modestly-scaled (often simplistic) retreads of their classics for a devoted fan base eager to cough up a few bucks for them.

Although he has spit out some two dozen of these films over the last several years, Lundgren remains not only a fan favorite but also a man of ambition who increasingly writes and directs his own material and strives to maintain his foothold in the world of big-budget, theatrically-released film. While recently making the rounds for his latest film, Direct Contact, Lundgren took the time to call up SuicideGirls for a chat.


Ryan Stewart: Sorry to read about your recent home invasion. The paper said that the crooks recognized you in family photos around the house?

Dolph Lundgren: Yeah, it was actually a ways back. I don't know how it got to the press so late, but it was in January. It's more or less true. We've always managed to be very safe, but now I've got armed guards and the whole nine yards, cameras everywhere. And the burglars did recognize me -- my wife told me so.

RS: Have you ever had to defend yourself in real life?

DL: Hmmm...no. I used to work a door in New York when I was a kid, but I'm a guy who has been either lucky or smart enough not to get into fights. Except in the ring, of course!

RS: When you perform your fight scenes in movies, is it more important to you that it look good or that nobody get too bruised up?

DL: It's more important that the fights look good. You're always going to get a little bit bruised up. It's just a matter of not wanting to get any kind of permanent injuries. You won't have to go to the hospital or anything like that if you're lucky, but usually in a film, especially in a bigger action movie, somebody always gets a little bit hurt. That's just the way it is. I don't remember getting banged up on this movie, but it all kind of blends together unless you have a big injury. I had an injury to my foot from a motorcycle thing that happened on another film I did. A Harley fell on my foot, and I had that injury with me when I came to this picture and I think I did something else to it during one of the fight scenes. But I didn't have to take any stitches or anything like that, so it was pretty good.

RS: With a project like Direct Contact, what can you do to make it your own? Do you choose your own weapons?

DL: It depends on what it is. This is a film where I knew [writer] Les Weldon and [writer/director] Danny Lerner very well and they asked me about the script a little bit and we made a couple of changes to it. And yeah, with the weapons you can usually pick your own, or at least you usually have a say, but it depends on the director. For instance, Sly Stallone is very detail-oriented, and he may have his mind set on something and he'll just present it to you and usually it's very good, so you don't even have to worry about it. Some directors will just more or less give the actor their choice. But usually, with fight scenes the fight coordinator will work it out and then you'll look at it and make some changes to it to make it your own. So, it depends a little bit. Obviously, when I direct myself, the whole thing is my vision.

RS: Is there a martial arts discipline that deals with gunplay? How to grab a gun away from someone?

DL: Not necessarily the original martial arts, because they were created before there were those weapons. It's usually unarmed combat, but there is stuff with swordplay and with sticks and stuff like that. But that's more of a military technique, like the Green Berets training, with a mix of jujitsu or special forces training. They deal with gun disarming, which is really dicey of course. It's easy to teach, cause if some maniac's got a gun and his finger is on the trigger and he's about to blow you away, you'll realize that you're not going to do that much, unless you totally have to, if the guy is imbalanced or something. If it's a certain caliber weapon, if you can assert that, you can probably take a shot to the guts and then they'll put him down and you can call the doctor. But if you get shot in the head...[laughs] It does happen, I suppose, that people disarm gunmen, but not that often in real life.

RS: Why do you think these DTV action movies are still focused on '80s style action? They haven't really embraced the shift towards superheroes and comics.

DL: That's a really interesting question. I think part of it is cost-oriented, you know? It's cost-related, because to do any superhero movie, by definition, you're gonna have somebody be flying through buildings and you have to make that look good. Those effects mean extra money. There are always ways you can try to make your film feel bigger, though not necessarily a superhero film. I don't know if the superhero trend is one that's going to last another ten years or twenty years. It's only been going on for about ten years, or at least that's when it's gone nuts. As far as people flying between buildings, I don't think De Niro's gong to be doing that anytime soon, but you never know.

Stallone didn't look bad flying between buildings and I've kind of almost done it. I guess it's just something that the young generation has a dream of doing, things like that. I guess it could be a trend, but a movie like The Expendables has a seventy million-dollar budget and it's an old-school, kick-ass action movie where people are fighting with knives and shooting at each other, breaking necks and shit like that. While there are some airplane sequences and a bit of chases, it's still very down to earth in a way. So, while these things do go in cycles, I think a lot of it is cost-related.

RS: So you don't want credit for being ahead of the curve by playing He-Man?

DL: [laughs] Well, they had Superman before and I think maybe Batman came before He-Man, I can't remember. But it's always a bit weird to be doing "flying through the air" stuff. I think when you come from a fighting background, and I've done martial arts, then you can do it but you feel a bit silly. Or I do, anyway. But no, I didn't know that was coming. I didn't expect that every superhero would come to life. Some of them have been making a lot of money, so obviously there's a huge audience for them.

RS: I noticed that Direct Contact and your next movie, Command Performance, both have a Russian angle. I'm sure you built a great Russian fan base with Rocky IV. Are you trying to retain them?

DL: Well, I think that's a little bit of a coincidence because Les Weldon and Danny Lerner developed Direct Contact and they are based out of Bulgaria, that's where the studio is. They probably wanted to include an Eastern European element because it's cheaper to shoot. You don't have to make it look like New York City or Santa Monica Blvd. or something like that. Even though people do try, usually with not very good results.

While I was shooting Direct Contact I was prepping the other one and, yeah, they both have a Russian element. You're right in saying that I do have a big Russian fan base, even though I don't even play a Russian in Command Performance, I play an American, believe it or not. The Russian thing is something I think about a lot, and it does end up in my movies. I kind of like Russia -- there's something mysterious about it.

RS: You know what I always found interesting about Rocky IV? How futuristic it is. Drago has this computerized training station and Rocky has an artificially intelligent robot. Where'd he get that?

DL: [laughs] It's very clever. He gave the robot to Paulie. I remember he says to it, "Come on, honey, get me some coffee!" I should ask Stallone where he got it. It was ahead of its time in a lot of things, that movie. The equipment we used was very high-tech for the time. Some of those machines were being developed for astronauts, they didn't even have them available in those days. These days you see them in every gym, but back then it was just weights and maybe a Nautilus machine. They didn't have any of the stuff we had in that film. It was ahead of its time.

RS: Are you wrapped on The Expendables?

DL: No, I'm still working. We're shooting all through June. We started in Brazil and that was back when I was still shooting Icarus, which was another movie that I directed. It's a long shoot and it's a pretty big movie. It's certainly the biggest film I've ever been in and I think it's the biggest film Stallone's ever been in. That I can remember, anyway, and he's the one directing it, which is cool. He's kind of a role model for people -- if you just keep going for long enough, people will stop having bad things to say about you and then it's all good.

RS: How's the mix on the set? With all those action stars around there must be some dick-measuring.

DL: It's a good mix. Stallone is Stallone, you know? Nobody messes with him. He's the writer and director and star. Everybody is really respectful of him, because they know that it's because of him that they are there. Also, he's working his ass off every day and night and it's a very tight crew -- these people are surprisingly nice. He has the best fight coordinators in the world on this film and the best stunt and car guys too. Stallone is Stallone and there's only one of him. I don't think anybody has starred in more big action movies than him. I thought about that yesterday, when he was giving me some direction on how to grip the steering wheel during a car chase. He's done more than me and whenever he wants to give me some advice, that's great because I can give that advice to other people.

RS: You just did another Universal Soldier movie with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Did you ask him about why he turned down Sly's offer?

DL: I didn't, actually. I don't know what happened. I didn't ask him, but I don't think it was a good idea. Who knows, though. With all these stories floating around you just don't know. And I didn't ask Sly about it either.

RS: And Steven Seagal never got a call, apparently. Is he just too much of an oddball? No one wants him around?

DL: No, I think it's just all up to Stallone. I think he could still be in it, if there was something for him. There's still some time here, and I'm actually hearing some other names being mentioned here and there, but we'll see. I can't tell you anything about who, but you know the Governator might be in there, we'll have to see how that goes. But I really think that anybody who asks, they would say yes.

RS: You mentioned role models earlier. You've said before that Clint Eastwood is yours -- why?

DL: Because he was a guy that was underestimated through half of his career, as a cowboy with reactionary or fascist views. At least that was the case in Europe, where they boycotted his movies. People thought he was just some dumb guy who carried a gun, but then people started looking back and realizing that he directed some really cool movies. He was about sixty-one years old when Unforgiven came out and that's when everybody said "Hey, this guy is a good director," you know?

Then his career really took off and instead of being remembered as a cowboy, he's going to be remembered as one of the greatest directors that America has produced. And he's still a screen icon, which is terrific. Stallone is a bit like that, too. People don't have anything negative to say about him anymore. They've said everything already and now it's like, well, shit. You know, I've started directing and I've directed five movies already, but still, Clint Eastwood was my age in 1981, so I have a ways to go!


Direct Contact is available on DVD and Blu-Ray formats in stores everywhere on June 2.

Remember a few weeks ago when we talked about how a lot of men tend to slot women into two categories? Well a lot of guys also split men into two groups when it comes to women: nice guys and jerks (*). Women love jerks, the wisdom goes, while nice guys can't catch a break. (Quick aside: we're... more

Remember a few weeks ago when we talked about how a lot of men tend to slot women into two categories? Well a lot of guys also split men into two groups when it comes to women: nice guys and jerks (*).

Women love jerks, the wisdom goes, while nice guys can't catch a break. (Quick aside: we're using "nice" vs. "jerk" in the "decent" vs. "dirt bag" sense of the words, as opposed to "passive" vs. "assertive," which is another issue entirely.) What I find interesting is that almost every guy who makes this distinction puts himself into the nice guy category.

I certainly did. The first time was when I was 17, listening to a girl I knew (Yes, I DID secretly have a crush on her -- thanks for asking) complain about the guy she was dating. I remember promising myself, if and when I ever got a girlfriend, I would never do any of the things she was complaining about. I would return her calls promptly. I would always ask her what's wrong. I would never push for sex or get drunk and throw up on the upholstery of her parents' Chrysler.

But of course, I DIDN'T have a girlfriend. And my future prospects, quite frankly, were bleak. My greatest fear was that I would not lose my virginity before Guns N Roses released their Chinese Democracy album (**).

I decided women only liked guys that treated them like crap. Since I never treated women badly, it was clear what my problem was: I was too good a person.

Does this sound familiar to anybody? You hear it all the time. Guys blaming their romantic woes on those other jerky guys out there or those women who are too dumb to recognize a decent guy when he's staring her in the face (not to mention watering her plants when she's on vacation). His problem, he'll tell you, is that he is too awesome. He'd have a girlfriend right now, if only he wasn't so much better than other people (***).

It was a convenient excuse. The only catch? It isn't true.

Attraction is amoral. It doesn't give a shit about nice guys or jerks. Attraction only cares about "yes" or "no" (****).

There is a theory that women are genetically disposed to go after jerks because jerks tend to die young in hunting accidents, soccer riots, or misadventures starting with the words, "Twenty bucks says you won't..." Making them attractive is biology's way of making sure their idiot genes survive to provide cannon fodder for future generations. As she ages, a woman takes stock of the guys who are still around -- nice guys all -- and spends the rest of her life with one of them.

I was sharing this with a self-proclaimed nice guy and he looked at me and said, "Yeah, but by then she isn't PRETTY anymore."

Nice guys aren't always as nice as they think they are.

It's easy to assume the moral high ground when you don't have anything at stake. I had no problems telling myself how I would or wouldn't behave in a relationship when I wasn't actually IN a relationship.

A girlfriend is the answer to all your life's problems when you don't have one. But once you're getting laid regularly, it's shocking how fast your thoughts go from "Holy Crap, I got the girl" to "I wonder if I can get another one." And when you've had your heart broken a few times, it's also incredibly easy to justify dubious behavior by telling yourself: "Hey, it's my TURN."

That's when you appreciate the women willing to call you on your bullshit. But they aren't always going to be there. Sometimes, you have to do things on your own.

Relationship dilemmas are good problems to have. They force you to decide what's important to you. They also force you to face the consequences of your choices. If you're wise, you'll take the opportunity to learn. If you're unwise...well, life has a way of throwing the same lesson at you over and over until you get the picture.

We self-proclaimed nice guys aren't always the men we think we are. But we can get there eventually. And when we do, the right women appreciate us for it.

Which is good because the right women tend to be prettier than you might think.


(*) Some single women also split guys into two categories, only they usually go with "jerks" or "married/gay."

(**) As it turns out, I needn't have worried. I made it with years to spare, although that's more a testament to Axl's creative persnicketiness than my romantic abilities.

(***) This isn't exclusively a guy thing. Women drink the same poison when they draw water from the "men love bitches" well. But since I haven't found a way to write a gender-and sexual-orientation-neutral article that isn't bland, wishy-washy, or outright confusing, we're going to stick with hetero males. If you're interests lie elsewhere, feel free to substitute pronouns as needed with my compliments.

(****) In fact, cross-culturally, the jury is still out on whether or not "attraction" is a valid reason for hooking up. North Americans dig it, but there are plenty of other cultures that believe being a slave to attraction is a good way to make yourself miserable.


Dan Brodribb is a professional stand-up comic and writer. He is currently working on a book called Dating for Shy Guys. Learn more about him at: danbrodribb.blogspot.com.

How long has it been since the last Asshole Fuckface Roundup? Seven days? Feels like a week. You’d think after all the thrashings they’ve received on this sweet, sweet website, that they would run and hide for the rest of their lives. But they can’t. They have to do their evil deeds... more

How long has it been since the last Asshole Fuckface Roundup? Seven days? Feels like a week. You’d think after all the thrashings they’ve received on this sweet, sweet website, that they would run and hide for the rest of their lives. But they can’t. They have to do their evil deeds and shame all of mankind. Thank God I am here to drag them out of the darkness for you to mock. And this week there will be plenty of mocking because these creeps exhibit extra Asshole Fuckfacery. So, put on your favorite leather rug because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some Canadian Asshole Fuckfacery.

What’s worse than beating a seal to death with a club? How about advocating for the guys who beat seals to death with clubs? Canada’s Governor General, Michaelle Jean, knows how to show her solidarity with seal clubbers. The poor seal clubbers are upset because the European Union voted to ban seal products on the grounds that the “seal hunt is cruel.” I guess. I mean, if you think beating something to death with a blunt instrument is cruel, then it is. Hippy.

Sure. Did you want to bathe in the blood, too? Maybe put the seal eyes in your eye sockets and run around screaming?

Well, who can argue with someone that makes such a convincing point? I bet if you eat the seal anus, everyone in the world would reverse all seal product bans.

How about an official, “What the fuck?” I think it’s in order.

Yeah. “Great stuff.” She’s really helping your cause. Too bad Jeffrey Dahlmer is dead or you could sign him up, too.

Next up, some phone company Asshole Fuckfacery.

A 62-year-old man from Carrollton, Ohio flipped out this week. The local Sheriff received a call because he was “destroying the house and breaking windows and other items.” Dude then grabbed a bunch of pills and ran off. Law enforcement officials were very worried about the man’s life, so they began a search.

Police officers also decided to call his cell phone provider in an attempt to use his cell phone signal to locate him. Unfortunately, the Verizon operator was an Asshole Fuckface.

Yeah, yeah, I hear you. Guy might be dead. Right. That’s kind of a bummer, but I’ve got shit going on on my end, too. Like a bill. A huge bill.

Twenty dollars, yo. You think Verizon can take that kind of a hit? The economy is no bueno, amigo. Fortunately, when paramedics got there, the man was “unconscious and unresponsive.” Yay, Verizon! You guys should put that in an ad.

We will leave you dying in a field over $20. It’s a huge network!

That’s some kick ass PR right there.

Next up, some culinary Asshole Fuckfacery.

If you were planning on having dinner at Ming's BBQ on Buford Highway in Doraville, Georgia, feel free to cancel your reservations. Earlier this year, police discovered some awesome stuff in back of the restaurant. They took pics!

Mmmm. I love pigs stacked in buckets outside. It's yummy and that's exactly how they describe it on the menu.

Um. Shouldn’t you hide the cat skin after you killed it and cooked it for customers? Just tossing it out back seems kinda stupid. I always put my cat skins in the sewer.

Of course, health inspectors acted swiftly.

Thank you for not closing the cat killing, pigs in buckets out back, raw meat kickin’ it in the backyard restaurant.

Oh, and one time they served cat.

Finally, some governator Asshole Fuckfacery.

Asshole Fuckface Arnold will be leaving his post as California Governor soon. In his wake, he will leave a state destroyed by anti-tax Republican retardation. Now, I can’t believe a washed up action star couldn’t turn the state around. I mean, who would have thought a man who acts like a tough guy in movies, who came to fame by making big muscles, couldn’t handle the complexity of governing a massive state like California?

Arnold’s first step was to follow the Republican mantra. His first day in office he cut the Vehicle License Fee, which eliminated $6.5 billion per year from the state coffers. Over his time in office, that one move has led to a $35 billion dollar increase in state debt. He also convinced voters to pay off the budget deficit in his first year with a $15 billion dollar bond – thereby pushing the debt and allowing us to pay interest on it.

Now he wants to lay off 5,000 state employees during a recession. Genius. He also wants to cut $5.4 billion from schools, because our schools rank amongst the worst in the country. Why? Oh, tax cuts gutted our schools in the late '70s and our kids have suffered ever since. Arnold also wants borrow $7.5 billion for local governments. You know, the local governments suffering through a recession and years of cuts because of the GOP’s anti-tax no matter what policy. Oh, and the governator also wants to lease more sites for off shore oil drilling to bring in $100 million. Problem is, the state doesn’t have an oil severance tax. Can you see Republicans agreeing to tax the oil companies? If you can, you’re an idiot. They enjoy the slash and burn policies of stupidity.

Oh, but it’s not just programs he was trying to expand, he also wants to cut funding that keeps people alive. His cuts will also affect 35,000 Californians who count on state funding to get their HIV/AIDS medications.

Shit, I’m sorry, but Republicans refuse to raise any taxes. Bummer you have to die because of it, but it’s a moral thing. It would be immoral to take money that is not yours, sicko.

Arnold will be gone in 18 months, leaving complete destruction. That’s the Republican way. Insane, deluded, idiotic, childish policies that lead to a disaster.

And as goes California, so goes the nation.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

It’s a cliché – when life gives you lemons – make lemonade. In my case, a friend had an '83 Toyota Supra that had seen better days. But rather than take it to junkyard for demolition, this past weekend we took it to the racetrack to participate in the 2009 Goin' For Broken... more

It’s a cliché – when life gives you lemons – make lemonade. In my case, a friend had an '83 Toyota Supra that had seen better days. But rather than take it to junkyard for demolition, this past weekend we took it to the racetrack to participate in the 2009 Goin' For Broken 24 Hours of LeMons race at the Fernley Raceway in Reno, NV.

24 Hours of LeMons, an endurance race for cars worth less than $500, was started by Jay Lamm, in response to the elitist racing industry. “Regular racing had gotten way too expensive and took itself way too seriously, ” Lamm explains in an email to me. “Anyone who thinks racing is going to be their career is probably high, but that's what racing has become by and large.” We won’t mention Lamm’s racing career.

This year there are more than 10 LeMon races scheduled all over the US.


Our competition.

Whack jobs
Who is crazy enough to put a six point roll cage into a Geo Metro, Bitchin Camaro, Saab 900 or VW Rabbit with a pancake on it’s head? “Serious racers who've had enough of the seriousness and just want to go out and have a good time for a change. Or whack jobs who've always wanted to get on a racetrack but couldn't figure out how to get started,” says Lamm.

My team was definitely of the whack job variety. Let me introduce them: Dominik our fearless leader had the genius idea to take the piece of junk supra to the races. The car was actually his girlfriend Kelly's, and she used to drive it around south pasadena with her two pit bull mixes in the back. It had broken down on her more than once. Dave was our master welder and patiently bended and often rebended the roll cage pieces. Sam was the least crazy of us all and proved to be the best and fastest driver getting only one penalty when he did a 180. You already know me -- I'm hell on four wheels.

I’d never been on a racetrack (unless you consider LA Freeways a racetrack). I had never seen a yellow flag. And although I owned two helmets and scads of motorcycle safety gear, they were worthless in the car. To my credit, I hit triple digits more often than I care to admit and I have successfully completed Stunt Car Driving School. Still I wondered if I had the balls, or in this case, the lemons?

The guys had spent the past month working weekends on the car. You can usually find snap-in rollcages for most race worthy cars. Not for our '83 Supra however. The guys saw this as a challenge (and excuse for tool purchasing) and built a custom roll cage. The final welding required us to remove the windshield, which we did with a sledgehammer, hatchet and iron pipe. We weren’t planning to bring the car home – even if it finished.


Our team Mad Max wagon.

“It’s like Burning Man with Rollcages.”
The Reno-Fernley raceway is 100 miles south of “The Playa” where the annual Burning Man Festival is held each Labor Day weekend. When we arrive at the paddock, where each team stages their pit, it was like Burning Man meets the races.

There was a group of sexy Elvis' posing around a pink fishtailed Miata; a Lamborghini Testarossa made of plywood; a green Volvo with moss growing on it; competing Spy vs Spy racers – one in white and the other in black, who caused mayhem with each other on and off the racetrack.

We found a place between the Frankenstang, a mustang stitched together with a TV on its roof blasting Frankenstein movie clips and an old truck painted bright orange easily confused with the CALTRANS variety.

I forgot to mention our theme. The supra was spray painted matte black and decked out with sirens, rotating guns and various industrial materials. It was straight out of Mad Max. Our fearless leader, who had an authentic German accent, police suit and fuchsia hair strolled around the paddock with a huge PVC “gun” saying hi to our competition.


The Lemons Meet the Road
Although the race is called 24 Hours of LeMons, racing stops at dusk and resumes the next day. This is a godsend for some race teams as they desperately need time to fix their broken cars. We didn’t know how long the Supra would last, so we scheduled each driver an hour at the beginning of the race. That way, each of us would have a better chance at getting track time before our car went Kaput.

As the cars lined up to enter the track words don’t do justice to the creativity. Over 100 lemons accelerated and one lap later some were back in the paddock. I was the third driver and so far the car was holding up. I suited up in my fireproof suit, squeezed myself into the driver’s seat and snapped the 5-point harness. Gloves, helmet in place and I accelerated to enter the track.

I felt the tactile nubs on the steering wheel. My right foot went from accelerator to brake. My eyes analyzed the track, my brain calculating the curves, the bank; how and where to enter and steer. I didn't notice the pressure from centrifugal force pressing me to the seat as I sped through the curves. I smelled burned oil, brakes and fuel. I heard the rev and pop of engines. I was calm, relaxed and one with the car, the road and the speed.

That’s when I noticed the black flag ferociously waved at me. I had been focusing on the track so much, I had completely forgotten to watch the flags. Black Flag = Penalty Box. My crime: passing on the yellow even though I performed two perfect 180s. I sheepishly pulled off to meet my fate. Two men in black judge robes came up to the driver’s window.

I should explain a little about justice LeMons-style. Just because they have people called judges don't make the mistake of assuming they're fair. These guys are as corrupt as they come -- and they flaunt it. Of course they'll rule your way -- with the right bribes. Past bribes include moonshine, good beer, whiskey and a delightful cheese and wine pairing. I wouldn't bother bringing Coors and cheap porn unless you want extra penalties.

The penalties in a LeMon race can be a bit unusual to say the least. We got hit with the supposedly irritating “playa” penalty, where they made us set up a tent and get everyone from our team in it (see video). Then they threw in a case of water and a boombox with some techno. Since I have experienced the real live Burning Man, this wasn’t that bad. We were expecting the leafblower full of playa dust through the windows at any moment. When one of the team (I won’t say who!) passed on the yellow flag, we got stuck behind the LeMonmobile and had to make “parade laps” around the paddock. I climbed on the hood and we cranked the Industrial music. Later our black mad max mobile got pelted with pink and gold paint.

We heard about dreaded Homie Funeral, where they poured an entire 50 oz of Malt Liquor into the car. One driver had a car alarm installed to go off constantly the rest of the race. I asked Jay about some of his favorites and he told me about his two favorites.

“My personal favorite is still the Al Gore Carbon Neutral Penalty, wherein the smokiest car gets pulled in with a black flag, and then the driver has to plant a tree in the infield while wearing a tie-dye shirt, sandals, and being pelted with tofu. I'm also partial to the Colonel Sanders penalty, which has the driver being covered in Karo syrup and then coated in feathers.”

Whew – I’m glad we didn’t get either of those!


Cursed!
"Rule 1.6: Your Car May Be Destroyed at Any Time: In addition to accidents and other unfortunate boo-boos, one car may be selected by blind ballot of all teams for immediate removal and total destruction."

Here’s one rule you won’t find in any other race. The People’s Curse is the one car all participants join up on to remove and destroy. And by destroy, we’re talking steam shovel destroy. Flattened like a pancake on a bunny’s head. (Link to video of getting destroyed.) This year there was a twist of fate – for instead of a participant’s car being destroyed, it was Lamm’s VW Bus. The same bus that helped met out the parade lap penalties.


Justice LeMons-style.

At the end of the day, we were amazed that our supra finished the race and although we weren't the fasted car on the track, we brought home the Judges Choice Award.

Lamm’s last words were “Racing is for anyone who wants to go racing.”

I went. I raced. I’m hooked.

Ps. Think you have the balls, ahem lemons to race. Read their very entertaining FAQ. SG members are welcome to join me in Buttonwillow (the organizers have given me a limited comp list -- message me if you're interested).


Heathervescent is a writer, technology consultant and agent of
cacophony. She's more worried about the attack squirrels that apparently plague JPL than zombie ants, which she just thinks are plain cool. You can read more of her adventures at www.heathervescent.com and follow her @heathervescent.

He's a Mac, he's the former flame of Drew Barrymore and he's an actor, making him famous in that order. The computer commercials and celebrity romance have brought Long more attention than even his biggest films, Live Free or Die Hard and Dodgeball. Waiting never made the cover of US Weekly,... more

He's a Mac, he's the former flame of Drew Barrymore and he's an actor, making him famous in that order. The computer commercials and celebrity romance have brought Long more attention than even his biggest films, Live Free or Die Hard and Dodgeball. Waiting never made the cover of US Weekly, but true fans have recognized him ever since he took out the garbage mid-mission during Galaxy Quest.

Long has stood out in supporting roles, even in the one scene cameos in Idiocracy and Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Trading on character voices and snappy one-liners, Long ensured steady work, if not a fancy trailer and entourage. This week's Drag Me to Hell, director Sam Raimi's return to horror, casts Long in a dramatic supporting role.

When Christine (Alison Lohman) denies Mrs. Ganush (Lorna Raver) an extension on her mortgage, Ganush puts a gypsy curse on her. The timing couldn't be worse for Christine. She's scheduled to meet her boyfriend (Long)'s judgmental parents this weekend. So Long just plays the supportive boyfriend who has no idea what Christine is really going through.

Whether talking about comedy or drama, a feature film or 30-second ad spot, Long demonstrates a detailed process for his work, giving analytical and verbose answers, while still setting up some funny one-liners. Long puts on a show too, going into the voices of his friends or his critics or himself. That doesn't translate into print but imagine a full on performance every time he related an anecdote.

Question: So you're the comic relief in an action or romance film, but in a horror movie you're the straight man?

Justin Long: I guess so. That's the way it worked out, I guess. I thought Sam [Raimi], when he asked to meet with me, first of all I was obviously incredibly excited and grew up watching his movies. But, I thought it might have something to do with some sort of clown that comes in intermittently and kind of throws up and juggles something and does bad pratfalls. I think he had seen [Live Free or] Die Hard, I think, and that's where it came from. In Die Hard I'm hopefully not as goofy and comedic as I've been. I'm glad he didn't see certain movies or he would never have thought of me,.

Q: You've done horror before. Are you a fan of the genre?

JL: I did Jeepers Creepers. That was a while ago now, but I've always wanted to do one since. It wasn't for lack of trying, I auditioned for everything, Halloween 12, whatever. I would throw my name in the hat and then it got to being where I did other types of movies and the horror movies they were making were all for the most part kind of stock slasher, Saw type things that I wasn't really kind of interested in. Fun to watch, love going and having a fun date watching a good old fashioned slasher, but Sam's movies are creative and unique and stylistic. I was a big fan. I hadn't seen the first Evil Dead until later, but I grew up watching Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness. I loved those movies, and as I grew up I grew with him as a director. I love The Gift and A Simple Plan, so I was well aware. The fact that it was a horror movie and a return to those movies that I grew up loving was just icing on the cake.

Q: Were you bummed then that all the cool stuff happens to Alison?

JL: She is much stronger than I am though, I will say that. I kind of thought it was cool that there is a movie where the protagonist, this strong center of the movie is a female. My part is normally played by women in these movies.

My friends...They asked me about what I play and I said, "Here's what I play. I say, 'Baby, everything is going to be okay. It's gonna be fine. I'm gonna be in the other room if you need me, but don't worry.' I go in the other room and all the stuff happens to Alison, like all the fun horror movies. And I run back and I go, 'Baby are you okay? I'm here. What happened?' End scene and fade out."

And you know what? I'm fine with that. I was so happy. I said to Sam when I met him, "I will do anything in your movie." And I meant that. I would walk across the screen, shit my pants and keep walking if it means being in your movie, like absolutely. So, I'm just happy to be part of it, truly, truly.

Q: Could there be a sequel where you have to undo the curse?

JL: Keep talking about it. I definitely thought about that. I'm hoping. And I keep passively dropping little hints around to Sam and he's like, "I get it, buddy. You want a sequel. Calm down."

Q: Is it odd to you that your trademark has become this Mac commercial more than any movie role?

JL: I don't know if it's odd. I guess, because I spend so much more time making movies, like in terms of filming and work. The Apple commercials represent a fraction of what I've done and what I relate to and identify with. Even the work I do, and I hesitate to even call it work, because literally, let's face it, I kind of just stand there and say the same two or three things over and over. It's an easy job, but I like working, I like a challenge and that job is just easy and fun. It's fun because I love working with John Hodgman who plays the PC and we've become very close. The crew is pretty much the same. So it's become sort of the cliché you hear. It's become sort of like a family, and I enjoy seeing all those people from time to time.

As far as identifying with it, yeah, I guess it is odd because I don't personally. But, I don't want to be like, "I know I've done so much more work and people should [remember that]." I remember when I first started doing it, the question came up: Do you want to do this commercial? There's that thought because there is sort of that pretentious stigma attached to commercials certain actors have. It crossed my mind for a second and I made the mistake of vocalizing it to a friend. I was like, "Do you think that, I don't know, I'd be selling out in any way?" And I'll never forget, my friend who I love, he goes, "No offense, dude, but what are you selling out? Herbie Fully Loaded? You're not Johnny Depp, all right? So take it easy?" You need those moments that bring you down to earth and remind you, "Yeah, let's take a minute and examine this."

My mom was a commercial actor. That's what she did, and she made money, not a lot of money. But aside from that one passing moment which I quickly regretted even saying out loud, I didn't have that stigma that's attached to it. So now the oddest part is just knowing how to deal with, on a daily basis, it's like, "Oh, Mac Guy." A spectrum of that, from like, "Hey, I really enjoy those commercials. Well done, great, awesome," a little exchange, to like, "Hey, PC. You got a PC? Go fuck yourself!" Then there's that side of it and everywhere in between.

Q: In the last couple of years you've gone from being an actor who stole a lot of scenes in movies and people starting to recognize you, to being the Mac Guy, to the general public knowing you as Justin Long from the roles you've been playing. Now there's an interest in who you're dating, and what you're doing. How have you dealt with that transition in your life?

JL: There's no playbook. There's no real preparation. It's just really trial by fire. How do you deal with it? I was fortunate to be close to people who had dealt with it on a much bigger level, so I had that. I'm still trying to figure it out and deal with it and know how to deal with it and know where to put it in my life. There's an impetus to get mad and to take it to heart and to lash out and protect the people in your life that it's also affecting, and you really kind of have to ignore that, to a certain extent. Aside from that it's not difficult and I hate when I do, because I step back and look at what's happening in the world which really matters and you gain those moments of perspective. Really, I'm going to worry about a couple of guys following me with cameras? It's ultimately not that big of a deal, but in the moment when it's happening - especially when it's happening to people close to you - it's infuriating. And it's also something that I just don't understand. I see the magazines and they're everywhere. It's like they're at the forefront of the newsstands. So I understand the need for it, but I don't understand personally why people would care, but they do and it's created a surreality to my life that I wasn't prepared for and I still don't really know how to deal with.

Q: Has it made you more guarded as to the people you keep into your circle? Or let in?

JL: Allow in, yeah. Of course your sensors go up. That's been an added element of just socializing, which weirdly enough I do so much less now than I ever did. I have very close friends and I'm close with my family, so I know what it is to trust someone and to allow people in. That's remained more intact. If anything, I've gone the other way with it. I've seen this happen to people, I've seen people become corrupted by it, and I know the pitfalls and I'm wary of them. I'm just glad I have people in my life like my friend who made the crack about Herbie Fully Loaded or even family who'll make me look at myself. Just going back home, I'll start to complain, "Oh, the paparazzi, they're doing this or that," and they're like, "Shut up. You're doing really well and you're doing what you love to do, and we're playing Monopoly right now in our living room, so let's leave the Hollywood talk for some other time." It's just something that I'm trying to navigate and it's not the end of the world.

Q: Do you think this awareness of your personal life has helped your career?

JL: I don't know. I truthfully think that really that is not helpful. I think that's a myth that stuff like that, that kind of exposure helps you. I think it might hurt to be exposed in that way, just in terms of acting, being able to play different characters and roles. I remember Billy Crudup said something really interesting in an interview. He acknowledged that it was super critical because it was in an interview and he was talking about how much he doesn't like doing interviews and why he doesn't like doing interviews. It's not an egotistical pretentious actor thing, but he really articulated well. He said, "The more people know about me and the more I expose myself to people, the harder it is for them to believe that I'm somebody else." Just in the long run I think it makes it harder to have a career that is sustained through like character work and various roles. I don't want to just go out there and play myself every time. So it ruins that kind of potential. It makes it harder, I think.

I don't want to complain because I love my life and I'm so blessed to be able to do what I do, and I don't want to complain about any relationships. It was wonderful, it was beautiful. I made certain choices in my life and I made them happily and completely willingly, I would never fault somebody else for bringing that into my life. That being said, it's fraught with a lot of kind of negativity that you can't really imagine until it happened to you. Like I said, I think if anything it maybe made it more difficult. I have no interest in being like a celebrity or a famous. That never appealed to me really. If it appealed to me, it did in the sense that it meant I got to be in movies. I got to act, I got to work, so I don't know if there is a way to have one without the other. Maybe not, but I do know people who do. I know people who are not a part of those things. Sam Rockwell is like my best friend, my favorite actor. He's not out there. People don't know who he's dating and he has an amazing career. I think Billy Crudup and Phil Hoffman, these guys, I don't know. Just being in those [magazines] scares me, you know. Whatever. I hate even remotely complaining, because like I said, things are good.

SuicideGirls will be out in force at this year's Comic Con (July 23-26 @ San Diego Convention Center) with not one -- but two booths (#433 and #2635).

We'll have 15 of our hottest girls on hand for you to meet in person. They'll also be happy to sign stuff and take snaps.

Here's where we need a little help from you. To enter into the spirit of Comic Con, a few of the girls want to get in on the cosplay action and dress up. And, of course, they want to please you. We'd therefore like you to let us know what costumes you want to see the girls wearing by voting for your fave out of the options listed...

SuicideGirls will be out in force at this year's Comic Con (July 23-26 @ San Diego Convention Center) with not one -- but two booths (#433 and #2635). We'll have 15 of our hottest girls on hand for you to meet in person. They'll also be happy to sign stuff and take snaps. Here's... more

SuicideGirls will be out in force at this year's Comic Con (July 23-26 @ San Diego Convention Center) with not one -- but two booths (#433 and #2635).

We'll have 15 of our hottest girls on hand for you to meet in person. They'll also be happy to sign stuff and take snaps.

Here's where we need a little help from you. To enter into the spirit of Comic Con, a few of the girls want to get in on the cosplay action and dress up. And, of course, they want to please you. We'd therefore like you to let us know what costumes you want to see the girls wearing by voting for your fave out of the options below:

1. Uhura (Star Trek)
2. Dharma Initiative member (Lost)
3. Fight Club (SG Style)
4. Venom Girls (Spiderman)
5. Tank Girl (Tank Girl)
6. The Baroness (GI Joe)
7. Hermione (Harry Potter)
8. Starbuck (Battle Star Galactica)
9. Triana Orpheus (Venture Brothers)
10. Ghost Busters

Click HERE to cast your vote in our online poll.



Want to party with us? SuicideGirls will be the special guests at SD Comic Con's largest party, X-Sanguin V111, which takes place on Saturday July 25th at Spin Night Club (8.30 PM - 3.00 AM). Costumes are encouraged. Tickets cost $32 (or $150 for VIP) and are on sale now. Go to FreaksNightOut.com for more info and to purchase.

(image) It's week three and we're still in the "getting to know each other" phase, so now's the time to tell you about one of my favorite games in the history of gaming. I'm a shooter nut and a stealthy killer, so you'd think my top game would be a Half-Life or a Doom. more

It's week three and we're still in the "getting to know each other" phase, so now's the time to tell you about one of my favorite games in the history of gaming. I'm a shooter nut and a stealthy killer, so you'd think my top game would be a Half-Life or a Doom. But strangely, the one that's affected me the most over years is a plodding, talky role-playing game. I'm talking about Planescape: Torment, and I still remember the weekend many years ago when it sucked me in and consumed me whole.

10-years young this year, Planescape is brainy and brilliant. But back when I first fell in love with Planescape I didn't appreciate it so much as let it get under my skin. In fact, I wish I'd had it around age 15, because it's self-absorbed, existential, and possibly the most goth game ever made. It plays to the dreams of every teenager who thinks the whole world revolves around their problems. And it does it with wit, brilliance, flexible character development, and the voice of Homer Simpson. (Already sold? It's still available on GameTap, and eBay surely has copies too.)

Here's the premise: you're an immortal, but you're also an amnesiac. You can't die. But every time someone knocks you hard enough in the head, you lose your memories and start from scratch. You've lived hundreds of lives and experienced things most folks can't imagine. But your body's broken, your dreadlocks are frizzed, and your blessing has become a curse. It's time to solve the mystery of who you are and how you got this way.

Planescape takes place in a fringe universe that nobody but the most dedicated Dungeons & Dragons player has ever heard of. Out on the planes, death is beatable, reality is malleable, and the moral becomes physical. Streets can give birth to new streets. Whole cities can slide from one world to the next. Your best friend is a talking skull. In fact, you get to talk to dead stuff all the time. Right around the time I had to take sides between a village of dead people and a sewerful of hypersmart rats, I knew my latent goth side had found a most unholy coupling.

The gameplay is fiendish and subversive. For example, you aren't punished for dying; not only do you bounce back every time you're clocked, but suicide even becomes the answer to a puzzle. One of your sidekicks, a succubus named Fall-From-Grace, carries a diary in her inventory; but while you can see it and take it away, so far as I know, you'll never figure out how to unlock it. Which is a shame, because in this game, words are more fun than deeds. Planescape doesn't have branching conversation trees, so much as a gnarly, evil rainforest of dialogue, where smarter characters get better comebacks and the same answer can be delivered as a truth or a lie.

But more than anything, Planescape: Torment deeply groks the mindset of a moody, Camus-plagued adolescent. It makes you feel like you're grappling with an oh-so-serious personal problem, and the whole world was built to help you solve it. Everything around you reflects your dilemma, from the people you meet on the street, to the giant, endless wars on the horizon. And you can struggle through it any way you please: good guy, knuckle-dragger, bomb-thrower or genius -- there's content for almost any path you take. You can flirt with your best friends -- or sacrifice them to the giant pillar of flesh-eating skulls. Hey, who doesn't have some growing pains? (And 7th grade-style fantasies where frenemies die grizzly deaths.)

Of course, not everyone wanted to gaze at my navel as much as I did. Feeling way too comfortable in the adolescent mind of my character as I played I'd think the world revolved around me -- and just like in real life, I was wrong. Outside of a small circle of friends, my problems affected almost no one. I could be anyone and do anything, but the impact of my actions was nada. And no matter what I tried, the end of the game stayed the same.

I won't give away the ending, except to say that it's a bit of a fizzle. But I'd have it no other way. The finale is the smack in the face we all deserve, when it's time to grow up.

As with so many cult classics, Planescape has plenty to teach the industry. "Hero saves the world" is still the story of most of the games on the shelf today; "anti-hero saves the world" covers the rest. Both storylines try to put you in the shoes of a protagonist and invest you in their fate. But none match the total existential absorption of Planescape, where you are your own worst enemy -- and your only savior. And the only person who even cares is you.


Rachael Webster (a.ka.a SG member PixelVixen707) is SG's Hit Play games columnist. A game lover and game blogger living in New York City, she also writes at PixelVixen707.com and tweets as PixelVixen707.

Bob Fingerman seemed to have disappeared for the past two years after the release of his first novel, Bottomfeeder, a darkly comic tale of a vampire in New York City, and his graphic novel Recess Pieces, about a group of elementary school students fighting zombies, but this month has seen this release... more

Bob Fingerman seemed to have disappeared for the past two years after the release of his first novel, Bottomfeeder, a darkly comic tale of a vampire in New York City, and his graphic novel Recess Pieces, about a group of elementary school students fighting zombies, but this month has seen this release of a new comic series and an illustrated short novel.

From the Ashes, a six issue miniseries from IDW, is a "speculative memoir" about the post-apocalypse trials and tribulations of Fingerman and his wife as they deal with cannibals, Karl Rove clones and other creatures who survived the end of civilization. Connective Tissue is a twisted illustrated novella about a video store clerk who after eating meat-flavored candy winds up wandering through the streets of a hallucinogenic city. The stories have little in common except for a strange sense of humor, amazing illustrations and a way of looking at the world that could be described as curmudgeonly if it weren't for the fact that Fingerman finds humor and wonder everywhere, not by taking aim at easy targets but by both finding joy in the mundane and reveling in the insane absurdities he manages to pile on top of one another.

Fingerman has been pushing his books hard, writing for the Huffington Post about the apocalypse and his comic and even creating a trailer for From the Ashes. His efforts have paid off, with people like Trey Parker and Warren Ellis singing his praises, he's already sold his next novel, which is a work in progress, and it's clear that he has no interest in disappearing any time soon.


Alex Dueben: How did you come up with this idea, you and your wife surviving the end of the world?

Bob Fingerman: I seem to recall it started when I was just shooting the breeze with my friend John. It's like trying to remember, when did you conceive your first child? Well, I was fucking my wife in...I jest. I don't have any kids.

I think it was down in the Village and I was lamenting all the memoirs that were out there. I was thinking, why doesn't anyone do a memoir where something interesting has happened? The end of the world came to me as being an event worthy of actually talking about. And this phrase "speculative memoir" popped into my head because you always hear the term "speculative fiction" for some of my heroes like Philip K Dick, so how about a speculative memoir? Also, just my perpetual state of anxiety from the Bush years. I can't remember the exact month, but worrying about the end of the world seemed to be a little bit more real. For all of my life preceding Bush/Cheney I never worried about major catastrophic events, but the two of them seemed like they could be the perfect catalyst to make it happen.

AD: There's been a lot of end of the world/apocalypse books coming out the past few years, although yours is much funnier than say, Cormac McCarthy's The Road.

BF: I've even used that line. Think The Road, only funny. Not a lot of laughs in Cormac McCarthy in general. Although who knows, he might be a real cut-up if you actually get to meet him.

AD: Your other big comic project was Beg the Question, which you described as autobiographical fiction. Does the new From the Ashes series present a less fictionalized version of you?

BF: Oh yeah. That's why I didn't want to hide behind a paper-thin stand-in. Granted, when I did Beg the Question, or serialized it as Minimum Wage, I was looking back more. I was portraying a guy in his early twenties and when I started it I was in my early thirties. I at least had a little bit of hindsight. But it was a work of fiction. I took an earlier relationship of mine, and events from various parts of my life, and conflated them and mixed and matched and took friends from one period of my life and put them back into a different period and took other people out. It was realistic but it was not autobiography. That's why I referred to it as a roman a clef because it's realistic but it's not real.

With From the Ashes, what I wanted to do was something that was way truer to the way I am and my relationship with my wife, but make the setting completely fictional. I think it's a lot truer to who I am and so forth, but it's guarded by the setting, so I can portray the kind of loving relationship that I have with my wife. I wanted to depict that. I've been with Michele for almost twenty years now and she's never really gotten to be in any of my comics, not that that's necessarily such a great prize. [laughs] Some people would say, "keep me out of your goddamn comics. I don't want you to portray me." But she was happy with the inclusion finally after all these years, especially since I think I portrayed her much as she is. A very smart, capable, kind person who can kick ass if she has to.

AD: Did she have any control? Did she go, "I wouldn't say that," or "Why does my hair look like that?"

BF: She loved the way I drew her hair. She said that the post-apocalypse was very good to her hair. I made it a little fuller than it is. She's got beautiful red hair but I kind of really pumped it out. She said that's better than whatever hair product she uses.

But I did consult her. Her main caveat was, don't draw me naked. [laughs] It was a good exercise in self-control. I've never been very good at keeping nudity out of my work. And I think in some ways that's hurt me with some more conservative comic retailers, but with this one, they don't have to worry about that. Of course if I'm doing an interview on SuicideGirls, the conservative comic retailers aren't going to be reading this interview anyway so they won't know. [laughs]

AD: You've spent most of your career doing humor comics, which you don't see much of anymore

BF: Yeah, not anymore. People kind of forget what the word "comic" means.

AD: It's as if to be taken more seriously, comics have been stripping out humor and becoming more serious.

BF: Thank god for Peter Bagge. He's got a great collection out of strips he did for Reason magazine. Though I generally find libertarian philosophy a bit appalling, he's a good libertarian because at least he's funny about it and I don't think he's really trying to preach. But at least Pete Bagge still does funny stuff. There are a few practitioners. One of my all-time favorites is a friend of mine named John Kerschbaum. Have you seen his book, Petey and Pussy?

It's so good. Please get it. This is my big shout out/plug. Kerschbaum is the guy out there who can reduce me to tears when I'm reading his stuff because I'm laughing so hard, and that is rare. He is just so damn good. But yeah, generally, I think comics are a little serious these days.

AD: I'm wondering, with the comics market and audience having changed so much, is that part of why your focus has shifted to writing prose?

BF: Part of it's because I like writing. I finally sold my second novel and it's way more serious than my comics work. I think part of the reason I tend to write funny, and of course funny is debatable, some people might not think I'm funny at all, but when I do comics is because I think I have a comical art style. I don't think my drawing would lend itself to deep drama. I can have a moment or two here and there that are pensive but generally I think I draw in a funny way. With the writing I can just write serious. There's no visual to kind of, in a way, limit me.

Ideally what I'd like to do would be to alternate. I'd love to do a graphic novel one year and a straight prose novel the next and repeat. That would great because then I could do both things that I love. I don't think it really had to do with my trying to figure out what and where my audience is. I think there's always going to be an audience out there who likes humor and there's always going to be people out there who just want stuff very serious and somber. I'm not the guy, at least in terms of my comic work, for the serious and somber. That holds no interest for me to create. Some of it's fun for me to read, but that's not what I want to do. For the prose I don't mind getting serious although even there I like to have some gallows humor mixed in.

I think a lot of comics now, especially the younger generation of comic practitioners, and I don't mean mainstream stuff obviously, but a lot of people coming in and doing more personal stuff have a very different sensibility. I'm not saying it's a good sensibility or a bad one, but it's a different one, and I think the audience that's coming in with their work definitely reflects it. I've said that a lot of the new comics to me seem like poetry. Coming out of my mouth that sounds like a put-down, but I think it's true. It's that sort of attempt at high art. I just want to tell entertaining stories. I've never had any aspirations to creating high art. If it happens by accident, great, but it's definitely not anything I set out to do. I try to do really good work and I try to do entertaining work but I don't think it's ever going to be confused for high art.

AD: You mentioned alternating projects, but what you've been doing, a few years ago Bottomfeeder and Recess Pieces came out around the same time and now From the Ashes and Connective Tissue are coming out this month, you seem to be doing just that. To segue into your new prose book, how did Connective Tissue start?

BF: I had a false start back in 2003 at doing a narrative where I was just doing the art first and would write the story later. I did about twenty full color drawings for that and I liked them but I didn't really know exactly where it was going, so I abandoned it. Then in 2006 I started doing a series of drawings again with no plot written, but obviously sequential. Once again, wasn't sure where I was going to go with it and what I was going to do with these drawings so I put it aside. I started an art blog, so I posted some of the drawings that ended up in Connective Tissue on this blog and Gary [Groth, publisher of Fantagraphics Books] sent me an email saying he really liked these drawings. For Gary to actually send me an email and tell me that he liked something, I knew he must really like it because he doesn't necessarily reach out and touch you, as the saying used to go.

I thought, okay, Gary's interested, that saves me some trouble of trying to make a pitch so I just shot him an email back. I thanked him for the nice comments and said, "Hey I've got this idea. I've got a bunch more of these drawings." At that point I probably had about 25 or 30 already done, but I'd only posted about five of them because I didn't want to give it all away. He said yes and I said this is what I want to do, where I reverse-engineer the prose then of course do a little more art to make the prose make sense with the art. Basically it was an experiment.

Everything I've ever done I wrote first and did the art for it second, so I thought it would be fun to try doing it the other way around. I think it worked out nicely. I like how odd and dreamlike it is. I've also always had a fascination with Alice in Wonderland and Wizard of Oz and those down-the-rabbit-hole kinds of stories where you take a normal person and then put them in this totally trippy environment. And I didn't behave myself at all because as you've seen it's got abundant nudity in it so that one's sort of truer to my nature.

AD: I've always seen your work as being about two things; A lot of them are New York stories but it's also about the ways that the fantastic connects to the mundane, and Connective Tissue really combines the two.

BF: That's just generally my approach. I think that is why Philip K Dick is my favorite author, because he took such regular people and threw them into the fantastic. I always like a mix. I don't want everything to be fantastic. I think that's why a lot of fantasy novels don't just hold any appeal for me because everything's fantastical.

I did a Hellboy story when they were doing Hellboy Tales. It was basically Hellboy doing battle with a vending machine. That's where my head goes. Hellboy's my favorite comic, but I thought, let's just frustrate him with something completely workaday. He fights monsters all the time and he beats them, what would beat him? A vending machine. That's the one thing he wouldn't be able to work his way around.

I did a Star Wars story for Star Wars Tales and they basically said to me, you can use anything in the Star Wars universe, any character, any alien, any anything. I chose the Jawas and I did a story called Fred Jawa, Consumer Advocate, which was about a Jawa who shows up after the robot traders come to hawk extended warranties. This is the way my brain is wired. I like genre stuff. I love horror, I love sci-fi. But then I like to take it down a peg or I like to take reality and move it up a peg. That's where From the Ashes comes from. It's just the way I like to play with things.

AD: You mentioned you sold your new novel. Do you want to talk about it?

BF: A little bit. It's still early in the process. It's a horror novel. It's more serious than Bottomfeeder. This one has less humor. It's a book with zombies, but I don't want to say it's a zombie novel 'cause I think that makes it sound more action-packed. It's basically about a group of survivors holed-up in an apartment building with a supermarket across the street from them that they can't get to because of the zombies. It's really more about the survivors. The survivors could be on a desert island and the ocean could be the zombies. It's just something to keep them from what they need. And then a mysterious element happens and that's where I really don't want to start giving away too much.

I don't know if you're familiar with Dennis Potter at all? He wrote The Singing Detective and things like that? I'm not putting myself in his exalted company, but the approach would probably be more Dennis Potter than George Romero -- no disrespect to Romero, who's one of my heroes. Again, what I wanted to do was take regular people and put them in a fantastic situation. That's hardly unique to my approach but I think that's what most horror is. The author thinks what would it be like and they can't help but think what would it be like if this happened to me. And then they just make it happen to other people. I think about zombies a lot. [laughs] Zombies and the apocalypse. I have a very cheery inner life.

It's funny, I was telling this friend about a dream I'd had in which all the doctors in the world had gone insane and just started cutting people up on the streets with scalpels and performing amputations and blood was everywhere and limbs were everywhere and that wasn't a nightmare. It was just one of my dreams. I'd had a nightmare which had to do with me stumbling across a friend of mine having an affair. His girlfriend didn't know about it and I got so upset that this friend who I thought was in a good relationship was having an affair. I actually woke up from that one really upset. Nightmares for me have a more emotional core. Blood, gore, horror, the end of the world, that's just par for the course. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm fucked up, can you help me doctor?

AD: I don't think I'm charging enough

BF: Just send me some bills. I'll take care of them.

AD: You've told zombie stories before.

BF: And I'm sure I'll come back to them

AD: Recess Pieces, a book of yours which I love and it's probably your most commercial book.

BF: And worst selling.

AD: Really?

BF: I finally thought I had a hit and I think because the marketing was the sum total of zero for that, nobody even knew it existed. That book's an incredible frustration to me because I thought this one is much more accessible in many ways, provided you like children and disemboweling.

AD: It has a great Hollywood sales line: South Park meets Resident Evil.

BF: My biggest hope for that book was to have it turned into a video game, which I still hope will happen. I'm not sure how to go about making that happen, but I can't think of anything more fun than doing a survival horror game with a bunch of prepubescent kids armed to the teeth with machetes and shotguns. That would great and I think video games are the last bastion of getting away with stuff, except for comics.

In terms of the television, the only ones who get away with it are the guys on South Park. They have some nasty stuff happen on that show. Those guys are my heroes. Getting the quote from Trey Parker for From the Ashes was such a thrill.

AD: I'm still in shock a little that that was your worst selling book.

BF: No one was more shocked than me. And for no good reason. But let's not dwell on the negative -- says the guy who lives the apocalypse in his head all the time. Let's be optimistic, please.

I think by the time I do a book that's just pure despair, that'll be the hit that finally makes me. I Give Up will be the title of the book. Or What More Do You Want From Me? Just have a picture of me with my wrists slit on the cover and my heart on my sleeve. With the word "hooray" in bold type.

AD: You're not very prolific. Is that because comics take you a while?

BF: I'm always working. I disappeared for a couple of years. 2007-8 virtually nothing came out, but I was working on stuff. Unfortunately a large part of working is trying to sell publishers on stuff. With From the Ashes, I was really happy to get a new publisher interested, IDW, because I haven't worked for them before. It's always exciting to work with somebody new and it's been a good working relationship with them, so hopefully I'll do more for them. I've got ideas for a whole bunch more comics or graphics novels. There's one that I've been dying to do for years set in Hell that I hope is my next project. I also, prose-wise, have a sequel to Bottomfeeder that I really want to do.

In terms of how many comics I've put out, it's largely how successful I've been at finding homes for them. Since I do stuff that is a little off the beaten path it's always harder to find someone willing to take a chance. With the exception of Recess Pieces, I've never brought a project to someone saying this is a guaranteed bestseller. I've always thought that there's a bigger audience for my work than I've reached but it's a matter of hipping them to it. I'm making a more concerted effort these days by using the internet as much as possible.

AD: Have you thought about throwing up more comics or prose on your blog or your website? I mean the deal for Connective Tissue did come from posting on your blog. There's a preview of From the Ashes online.

BF: I think about throwing up all the time. Sorry. Bad joke. My friend Dean Haspiel runs a site called Act-i-vate and he's been trying to get me to put stuff up there for a long time. I think a lot of my resistance is that I just don't like reading comics on the web. I like paper. I'm very old-fashioned that way. But if you're going to be in this modern world I suppose it's a good idea to get onboard, so who knows, maybe I will start previewing stuff. I've got my own website, too, so I could always put stuff there. I haven't thought that far ahead.

AD: Just to bring it back to From the Ashes, I did want to mention that my favorite part of the first issue are the cannibals and the line about how it's only been two days and how many minutes did it take...

BF: ...How many minutes before they started drinking their own urine. That gives you a pretty good idea of where things are going to go with the comic. In the next issue you encounter the cannibals eating Anthony Bourdain. If that doesn't hook somebody I don't know what will.

AD: Are they affectionately eating him?

BF: Oh yeah. They're eating him because that's the way they're honoring him. They think that's what he would be doing. We discover they're not just cannibals, they're foodies. They're just seeing the apocalypse as one big outdoor buffet where they're getting to try stuff they never got to try before because it was too exotic.

Mmmm. Human thigh. Yay cannibalism!

(image) (image) (image) The official SuicideGirls Flip Strip iPhone app is now available to download from the Apple iTunes store. Designed by Stuart J. Moore, Flip Strip is based on the classic nudie pen concept -- with a high tech twist. Flick left and right to choose from 10 super sexy Suicide Girls,... more

The official SuicideGirls Flip Strip iPhone app is now available to download from the Apple iTunes store.

Designed by Stuart J. Moore, Flip Strip is based on the classic nudie pen concept -- with a high tech twist. Flick left and right to choose from 10 super sexy Suicide Girls, then flip your iPhone or iTouch upside down to watch her clothes disappear.

The SuicideGirls featured are Lumi, Sash, Zoli, Rigel, Coley, Radeo, Inga, Dot, Antigone and Moxi.

Click HERE to download.

Did we mention it's FREE?!!!

Last week I covered the horror of America’s usury law problem and how it has caused a massive imbalance of where our money should be. It has shifted dramatically to the financial sector, where it is used to produce nothing. The worst of the worst of the financial sector are the payday lenders. They... more

Last week I covered the horror of America’s usury law problem and how it has caused a massive imbalance of where our money should be. It has shifted dramatically to the financial sector, where it is used to produce nothing. The worst of the worst of the financial sector are the payday lenders. They are scum of the Earth and should be shut down immediately. They prey upon the weak and cause endless suffering. Other than that, they are great guys.

Payday lending works like this: Some poor sap has a job and a bank account and she can’t cover his bills for the month. She’s just a bit behind on the rent or her gas bill and she needs an advance on her paycheck. She’s got a new baby, after all, and she can’t afford to have the gas shut off or to be tossed out of her apartment. So, she goes to the payday lender.

Once there, she opens a line of credit. The lender agrees to give her an advance on her next paycheck and she in turn writes a check from her bank account for that amount, to the payday lender. It’s post dated and the lender agrees not to cash the check until lady’s payday. Oh, and there’s a massive fee, typically around $17 for every $100. For one payday loan, that’s not much. But it never ends there. Oh, and they don’t have to pay that fee until their next paycheck. That, of course, causes a problem on the day they get their next paycheck. It’s literally built as a trap.

The woman who needed an advance on her paycheck and paid a fee to get it, will now need another advance. Why? Well she was already behind and now she’s more behind because of the fee. She can’t afford to pay that fee, so now she needs another payday loan and she rolls it over. Welcome to the toilet, madam, you’re slowly being flushed.

These people become sharecroppers on their own life, giving the lender a never-ending share of their future earnings. Seventy-five percent of borrowers roll their loans over to the next week. The average borrower will pay $500 in fees for a $300 loan. Annual interest rates for payday loans average over 400 %. Consider the fees charged by one payday lender in DC as reported by The Washington Post:

Today America is chock full of payday lenders. It’s one of the fastest growing businesses in the USA. It’s a $40 billion industry. There are now over 22,000 payday lenders serving over 10 million Americans. Of course, those 10 million Americans are the working poor, the ones who can least afford a 911% interest loan. Many of them feel they have no choice but to take out a loan. That’s why all the payday lenders are in the worst part of town. They are predators, seeking out the weak. Last week the Huffington Post revealed that armies of "paid bloggers" had been deployed to promote payday loans:

Yeah....getting financially raped is very poetic.

Once in the cycle of doom, borrowers are screwed. Payday lenders worsen their impoverished lives and create more desperation. It’s a quick fix that leads to future horror, but the poor just want to get through that week, they aren’t thinking about two months from now, they just don’t want to lose their car today. After all, the Wal-mart where they work is way outside of town.

Thankfully, Congress is doing what they can to help the poor payday lenders.

Go Congress! Maybe we can bring back sharecropping again!

At this time, with our distribution of wealth completely out of whack, when our usury laws need to be changed to give the poor a chance and bring stability back to our country and resurrect our manufacturing base, the response of our lawmakers is to make it easier for payday lenders, by capping their interest rates at a meager 391%.

As I said last week, we are doomed.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

On the surface Kathy Griffin's "reality" show, My Life on the D-List, may be about the comedienne's relentless quest for A-List acclaim. However, in reality (of the real variety), Griffin's Emmy Award-winning Bravo show pokes fun at and undermines the very institution she purports... more

On the surface Kathy Griffin's "reality" show, My Life on the D-List, may be about the comedienne's relentless quest for A-List acclaim. However, in reality (of the real variety), Griffin's Emmy Award-winning Bravo show pokes fun at and undermines the very institution she purports to covet above all else: fame.

Furthermore, while other reality stars make a virtue out of their genuinely mean spirits in a desperate attempt to make the most of their fifteen minutes, Griffin delivers the wickedest lines with the kind of underlying warmth that lets all that "get it" know that no malice is intended.

It's this overwhelming sense of bonhomie that makes the show so watchable. It's also why, despite being the butt of many of her jokes, the gay community chose to honor Griffin with this years Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation Vanguard Award, which is given to those who have "increased the visibility and understanding" of the GLBT community. As Grifin says in our interview, "I'm genuinely a fan of most of the people I trash in the act." And "the gays" have no bigger fan than Griffin.

SuicideGirls caught up with Griffin by phone to get the skinny on her headline-grabbing minimal GLAAD outfit (she's the only member of the Hollywood community with the balls to accept a high-profile award in a bright blue bikini -- which revealed a hot SG photoset-ready bod). Griffin also gave us the scoop on the no-so-D-list fifth season of My Life on the D-List, which premieres June 8.

NP: Where are you right now?

KG: I'm in my house in Los Angeles, and I'm sending an email to Robert Verdi who is the gay stylist who tells me what to wear. And if he doesn't tell me what to wear, I can't function.

NP: So was he the person who told you what not to wear at the GLAAD Awards? Obviously, you spectacularly unveiled your "banging bikini bod" there...

KG: Well I think he's upset with me for that. What happened was he got me this beautiful Dolce & Gabbana dress, and these fancy Christian Louboutin heels. I did the red carpet, and then I didn't tell him that when I went out to get my award I would be in a bikini. And, of course, the Dolce & Gabbana dress got no press at all, and my bikini picture, I don't know if you know this, has won me several bikini contests in magazines.

NP: Congratulations!

KG: Yeah. I really, pretty much, have changed by career to official bikini model.

NP: I was actually going to ask you about this, because obviously SuicideGirls is a pinup site; Would you consider changing careers and going into nude modeling?

KG: I don't think it's up to me. I think my fans now have demanded it. I don't have any say in the matter anymore because my hot body has become such a commodity that I can only completely stop comedy and become a nude or semi-clad bikini model.

NP: Do you have any lines you would draw in your new career as a nude model? Would you do split beaver for example?

KG: Well you know I have a dream to actually win Beaver Hunt in Hustler Magazine, which is a contest where I believe they're looking for the most attractive beaver. I think it's important that I send them a photo -- probably a really crappy, lurid picture of me in a trailer with full spread beaver. I think I have what it takes to become a champion.

NP: Well I think it's good to have goals in life, and now you have two Emmys, you need to cast your net wider for awards. Like you need another Emmy!

KG: I absolutely need another one, and I want to put it out there in an energetic but secret, or close to a secret, way, that I want an Emmy so bad I'm happily willing to kill for one. There are a lot of studio executives that I think I could kill -- and probably get away with it.

NP: There's probably a lot of reality TV stars you could kill to clear the pitch, and you could possibly be doing the world a favor by doing so.

KG: I think we're talking about Heidi and Spencer. So what I'm pledging is that I am willing to assassinate Heidi and Spencer if it will get me my third Emmy. I think we're killing two birds with one stone.

NP: Absolutely. Everyone's better off. There is no downside to this.

KG: Although, I will say I don't know if what I just said is illegal in the way that it's illegal to threaten to kill the president. I'm not sure if I'm now on any kind of a Hills watch list but I stand by the hit that I've put out on Heidi and Spencer.

NP: A fatwa if you will.

KG: Well it's a fatwa not unlike the Salman Rushdie fatwa, and honestly, you know, let's face it, I think it's only going to get me more fans. I can't imagine, except Heidi and Spencer themselves -- and their parents -- I can't imagine one person being bothered by this.

NP: I would go out on a limb and say maybe there are moments when even Heidi's parents wouldn't mind.

KG: Yeah. Exactly. There's got to be a Montag somewhere down the pike who's going to just send me a 'thank you' note.

NP: I think you'd still get an invite to the funeral.

KG: Ok. I'm in. I'll get hair and make up and everything. I'm sure it will be a big press event.

NP: I do think you should strategize with your manger about this to get the most out of the opportunity.

KG: Yeah, I will. By my manager I assume you mean my mother. You know that I'm desperately trying to get my mom to be a momager. Like I'm trying to get her to be Dina Lohan, and she's terrible at it. She won't go to any nightclubs. She won't release any of my private journals to the press or anything. She's a terrible momager. I may fire her.

NP: Well, like Dina, she does try and outshine you in the reality show.

KG: Are you kidding? People don't even really know I'm on the show anymore. First of all, you should know my Mom calls Kathy Griffin: My Life of the D-List "her" show. She'll say, "Oh, someone came up to me and said 'Maggie, I love your show.'" I go, "Mom, are you sure you didn't hear 'your show' but they said 'your daughter's show?'" And then she kinda looks heavenward like, "Hmm! No! They said my show." So yea, it's all come full circle. I'm the sidekick of my own show.

NP: Lindsay Lohan's mom is so focused on being the star of her reality show that the management has gone by the wayside anyway, so you and Lindsay are kind of in the same position.

KG: Oh, believe me, I'm totally aware that it will get to a point where I won't be able to get my mom for my show because she will be doing her spin-off on, who knows, TV Land, WE or Oxygen. I'm sure she can write her own ticket on pay cable.

NP: How's it been going splitting the friends up. I know it's got quite savage with your mom stealing your gays.

KG: Well, yeah, she openly steals my gays -- and, by the way, they are happy to throw me under the bus to have more Maggie time. They don't understand that she is a vicious, manipulative, climber, not unlike Ryan Seacrest, and she is willing to do whatever it takes to step right over my dead body to get to the top. I'm not sure if my mom is not with Ryan Seacrest right now. Like I wouldn't put it past my mom to just befriend him and to be splitting a box of wine with him right now and talking about how horrible I am

NP: So would Ryan Seacrest be one of your gays?

KG: You know, I don't know if Ryan is one of my gays yet. We're just going to stay tuned on that one.

NP: I just wondered if you had the inside scoop.

KG: I think that we can admit that Oprah is one of my gays.

NP: Definitely. So how's it going with you and Oprah

KG: We're good. Nothing's changed. Oprah and I have a lot of weekends in Montecito. Sometimes Oprah and I have to call Michelle Obama and say, "You know what? We're having our 'me time' right now." Michelle is always trying to get in with me and Oprah, and I am going to have to talk to Michelle at some point and say, "Look! I discovered her, Michelle. You came a little too late to the party." Also, I'd like to warn Michelle, "Don't fuck with Gayle. You think I'm bad, you gotta go through Gayle to get to Oprah."

NP: I do think Michelle has gone all Single White Female on you. I mean you had the hot arms first!

KG: I had the hot arms. And, by the way, let's face it, I've got the whole package and she's got herself a nice set of arms. But, you know, she's going to have to work out a little harder if she wants to fit in my bikini.

NP: Yeah, she needs to step up her game if she has any hope of hanging out with you.

KG: And she does, a lot of hope right now with me. She's just too shy to say it.

NP: So what can we expect with the new TV show which is starting in a couple of weeks?

KG: Ahh! I am so excited. We have ratcheted things up for Season 5. First of all, it's 10 episodes starting June 8th. And this year the theme is I get celebrities to try to give me tips to help me get on the A-List. It doesn't go so well but I have; Episode one, Bette Fucking Midler; Episode 2, Lily Tomlin; Episode 3, Paula Dean; Episode 4, Paris Hilton. I mean it's action packed. I have T.I., I have Gloria Estefan, I have Katt Williams, I have Jackie Collins, I have Salman Rushdie -- it's really quite a list. Suzanne Somers, who has really more money than god...

NP: It's interesting because your life on the D-list doesn't really exist anymore because you're not on the D-list.

KG: I'd like to think that, but I appreciate that you're going to a river in Egypt with me called denial, but the truth is I literally can't go 48-hours without someone calling me Kathie Lee Gifford. I have these sort of A-list moments where I feel pretty high and mighty, as my mother would say, but then, sure enough, I'll go to the airport and they'll say, "Kathy Griffith."

Can I tell you the greatest D-list moment I had? There's this girl called Julianne Hough from Dancing With The Stars. She's the blonde woman, OK? So she's this hot, sexy dancer and I was at an event, I was sitting next to Sarah Silverman, who's an old pal, and she went up to Sarah and said, "Oh god! I love you! It's so great. You're so funny." I'm standing there the whole time like, "Umm, I have a little treat for you, Kathy Griffin is next to her." And Julianne Hough, the dancer from Dancing With The Starts, by the way, not even one of the stars but one of the dancers, turns to me and says, "I don't know who you are but it's nice to meet you," and then walked away. So, yeah, I'm on the D-list.

NP: Nah. I would say, without a doubt, you're somewhere between a C- and a B+.

KG: Oh, come on, you're just saying that.

NP: I'm so not. You're so not a D-lister anymore. I think for the next season you need to consider changing the title.

KG: Come on? The chick from Dancing With The Stars doesn't even know who I am.

NP: Yeah, but that's not a reflection on your status, that's a reflection on her dumbness and detachment from society.

KG: But what about people that come up to me and say, "I miss you on my TV." I'm on TV everyday! Come on, nobody is saying that to Winslet -- trust me! Look, believe me, I really worked my butt off this season to get help and tips and advice...

NP: But I was listening to that list, and I think you're higher up in the pecking order than some of the people that you're getting the advice from.

KG: I know. But none of them are in trouble like I'm in trouble where I'm banned from TV shows and, you know...Look, I like where you're going, it's very encouraging to me, but I'm not going to quite believe it. We'll have to see.

NP: But, if tomorrow you got the lead in the next Star Trek and were unequivocally A-list, you would still be banned from those TV shows.

KG: I know, that's why I can never be on the A-list.

NP: There's some bad boys and bad girls on the A-list.

KG: Yeah, I know. My mom always wants me to be Rita Rudner. That's her dream because Rita Rudner doesn't offend anybody. But, I don't know, I guess it would be nice to not be offensive for like a day in some upside down world. I can't get though an hour without saying "pussy." I have to say the word pussy once and hour, I just have to, I'm sorry.

By the way, here's a D-list thing, we did a an episode of the D-List about race and stand-up comedy -- like, is comedy color blind? So I went and I did a set at the world famous Apollo in Harlem, and I got kicked out of the building and ushered off the stage for swearing.

NP: Really?

KG: At the Apollo! By the way, I didn't say anything racially insensitive, because I wouldn't, but my first pussy joke I got in trouble. I got kicked out of the Apollo.

NP: I wandered why you hadn't got Wanda Sykes' gig at the White House Correspondents' Dinner. I think she was way to easy on Rush Limbaugh.

KG: Yeah, I mean really, unless you're anally raping him with a broomstick, you're being too easy on him. That would have been my opening joke.

You know what? Craig Ferguson recommended me for that. Wasn't that nice?

NP: I think we can safely say you're a shoo-in for 2010.

KG: Yeah. I'm probably going to turn it down.

NP: Well I know you have issues with Michelle Obama.

KG: With her jealousy of my body.

NP: So what other adventures do you have on the new D-List?

KG: It is honestly action packed. First of all, getting kicked out of the Apollo, you have to admit that's an accomplishment. This is the stage where Chris Rock did his last special, Richard Pryor, Redd Fox, I mean guys that are maybe even bluer than I am, and then I get kicked out -- for swearing. I didn't even get kicked out for bombing. I got kicked out for swearing, for cussing.

NP: For pussy?

KG: Well I used every swear word in the book, but I think it was "pussy" that really was the nail in my coffin. However, what I learned is comedy really is color blind, because I didn't get into trouble with anything that had to do with the fact that we were in Harlem, that it was the Apollo, I just got kicked out for the age old reason of too many pussy jokes -- too many.

NP: You're famous for having what some might call a fowl mouth, and I was chatting to Lisa Lampanelli, who's famous for being the "Queen of Mean...."

KG: I love Lisa.

NP: And she said something, and she phrased it so well, and it's something that I believe too, that you can say anything and make fun of anyone as long as the "intention is good behind it." And I get a great sense of that when I watch you on your TV show.

KG: Ahh, I could like burst into tears. You said something that I so desire and hope for, and I don't know if it's something that's understood. Thank you for saying that 'cause I try not to make a big deal out of it but, you know, my goal is always to be funny first and foremost. If someone thinks I'm mean first and foremost, I'm just like, you're not getting it. But I understand people can react and feel whatever they want but I really am honestly and truly just out there to make people laugh. If it's not getting the laughs, I'm taking the joke out, but if it's getting the laughs it might then also be perceived as mean, definitely. But the number one goal always has to be funny. I really don't just go out there and think what are the meanest things I can say, because that's just a grocery list, but if I can put a funny spin on it then I feel that's Ok.

NP: Lisa also talked about how you should "never make fun of people you don't like" (the exception to the rule bing Rush Limbaugh) and I get the underlying affection you have for the people you target with your humor. There's a duality to it.

KG: Yes. I'm genuinely a fan of most of the people I trash in the act because that's what people are; They have moments when they're good and they have moments when they're evil, and everything in between. Somebody may be an amazing artist but they might be a preposterous person. Or someone might do one thing one day that there's nothing funny about and the next day they just do something that just strikes me as funny. I just think it's always about trying to find the funny. I'm not someone who can say I'll never put this person in my act because I like them. If I like somebody they still might do something silly. Or I might not like somebody but I'm happy to give them props if they do something cool.

Paula Abdul is a great example. I like Paula Abdul, I have her records, I think she really does make that show, I wouldn't want to see the show without her, and it also appears that she is addicted to mood-altering substances. I'm trying to say that in my best legalese. If she hates me and is offended she has every right to be but the truth of the matter is I get a kick out of her. I think she's ridiculous, I think she's fun.

But I really, really try and focus on making fun of people for their behavior. I'm not so into making fun of someone for the way they look, or something that's out of their control, but when it's someone's behavior, that's funny to me. Like I just don't go around saying Kirstie Alley is fat, but what's comical to me is that she took millions of dollars from Jenny Craig -- and gained weight -- I mean that's just funny!

NP: Yeah, unless you're Jenny Craig.

KG: Yeah, exactly, and then you want your money back. But you know, I don't want Kirstie Alley to be unhealthy, I don't want her to have heart problems, but on the other hand I can't help but find it funny that she is literally a spokesperson for a diet program and gained a crap load of weight. And then trying to film those commercials for a while saying, "Have you called Jenny Yet?" To which I say, "No," I don't think she took her call."

I got to take a shower. I'm stinky. I was working out in order to maintain my bikini body for my new career as a nudist / sometime bikini model.

NP: Well you definitely have potential as a SuicideGirl.

KG: OK. Thank you.

NP: Do you have any body mods? Any tattoos?

KG: This is really embarrassing, I have one tattoo, it's half faded because I've had six laser treatments to remove it -- are you ready? It's my tattooed wedding ring and I'm divorced -- yeah! I don't have a fuckin' sunburst, I don't have a skull & crossbones, I don't have a barbed wire fence running around my arm. I have this one little, pathetic wedding ring on my ring finger. It's half faded, and it's just the bane of my existence.

NP: Well can I suggest we turn a negative into a positive?

KG: Yes.

NP: You might have lost a husband, but you could gain a new career as a Suicide Girl 'cause that tattoo means you qualify.

KG: Really??? Ok! Alright then, I won't have anymore laser treatments. By the way, they don't even work. There's been times when I just wanted to take a lit cigarette and say let's end this once and for all. But, if it gets me into the SuicideGirls posse then I'll keep it.

NP: It absolutely does. I can't wait to see the photoset.

KG: OK. Me too!


Season 5 of My Life on the D-List premieres on Bravo June 8.