I figured that Selma Blair would be a pretty cool chick. She’s not some bloated and pretentious movie star that only does movies set in the 16th century or biographies of the first women to walk on the moon. Instead Blair does nutty independent films like Storytelling with Todd Solondz and her big budget... more

I figured that Selma Blair would be a pretty cool chick. She’s not some bloated and pretentious movie star that only does movies set in the 16th century or biographies of the first women to walk on the moon. Instead Blair does nutty independent films like Storytelling with Todd Solondz and her big budget studio film Hellboy has the added factor of geek director, Guillermo del Toro. Plus any woman who gets married to a Zappa in Carrie Fisher's Beverly Hills mansion has got to have an awesomely cool aura.

Her latest flick is A Dirty Shame for America’s funny version of Pasolini, John Waters. Blair plays the big titted go-go dancer Ursula Udders who has fallen under the spell of Ray-Ray the sex god of Baltimore.

Check out the website for A Dirty Shame

Daniel Robert Epstein: Did you save those giant breasts?

Selma Blair: Good grief no! Once they were taken off at the end of the day with all that oil and everything, the boobs looked as if they had leprosy. They just sort of disintegrated. It was foul. No, I have a very small house. I have no room for those boobs.

DRE: Were they heavy?

SB: They were pretty light. They were foam latex and sometimes they had a water balloon in them for a certain je ne sais quoi. They were light but cumbersome. I sound so foolish because I had done all this work to play Ursula Udders. I mean, I’m just embarrassed to say that, because she is just a big clod. I look like David Hasselhoff with the long hair. But I had done all this research, watched all these Annette Funicello films, and I really had an amazing dance routine worked out in my living room. I have to tell you, it was darling. Then I put the tits on and it all went to crap. I couldn’t move and platform shoes were not meant for go-go dancing.

DRE: That’s why those girls get the big bucks.

SB: Well, it was not a cakewalk to try and dance in that. So Ursula, alas, was not a very good go-go dancer. But she had a real presence.

DRE: Have you gotten sick of talking about the breasts yet?

SB: No it’s ok since I’ll probably never get to talk about my big breasts again seeing as how I don’t even need a brassiere. I did my mommy proud.

DRE: Have you ever thought of go-go dancing professionally?

SB: I do everyday for my dog and my husband. I truly do. I wake up in the morning and I give them a little sugar.

DRE: How did you convince John you could be Ursula Udders?

SB: I didn’t convince him. I don’t know if I have yet convinced him that I should have done this. He came to me for this role. I met with him years ago for another project that didn’t work out. He remembered me so I got in on the John Waters camp.

DRE: John Water ssaid you freaked out Suzanne Shepherd [who plays Big Ethel].

SB: Oh God, I’m just a terrible child! I’ll never learn my lesson. The more uncomfortable someone is with something, the more uncomfortable I have to make them. I think that’s hysterical. But Suzanne Shepherd is a serious actress. She teaches acting at Sarah Lawrence I think.

DRE: Sarah Lawrence [laughs].

SB: [smiles] She’s really an impressive woman and I think she did the movie at her agent’s insistence but I don’t think she had really read the script or had ever seen a John Waters movie. So when she came to rehearsal, she was quite beside herself. Johnny Knoxville was comforting her as she was sobbing on his shoulder. She’s like, “I don’t know why I’m here! I don’t know what this is? What is felching?” I would volunteer all the proper answers, much to John Waters’ horror. We were at his house for rehearsal and every page, she said, “Oh God, what is this? I can’t do this! I’m a married woman! I have children! I can’t do this!” She was really in need of some medication at that point, and I just piped up every chance I got: ˜Oh, well, that’s when someone sits on your face and takes a crap, Suzanne. Didn’t you ever hear about that? That’s when someone puts a rubber band around their ding-a-ling!” That just really, really took her breath away.

But she got in the spirit of it and we became fast friends. Once the initial shock of my foul mouth was over, I seemed to calm down at bit. [Suzanne] was great and such a sport. She’s quite a party girl as well. So I think she pulled one over on us, pretending to be such an earnest little biddy. She was like a 30-year-old party girl.

DRE: What was it like coming into a John Waters’ crew because they’ve all worked together for so long?

SB: I’ve been pretty lucky in that I really have been in some pretty loving situations. I do a lot of independent film and I think everyone on an independent film winds up being there not for the money but because they actually want to be there. You really get into the spirit of John’s films. How could you not want to love these people?

DRE: What’s your favorite Waters film or the one that left a lasting impression on you?

SB: Well, the one that made the biggest impression on me is not my favorite [laughs]. I was a little girl and I was at my sister Marie’s house and she was having some Christmas party and Pink Flamingos was on in the background. I thought Divine was anything but and really scared me. The movie was horrifying to me. I mean really, truly off putting. As a little child I didn’t see the fun and joy of John Waters I just saw the colorful horror. I was raised on Ralph Lauren and pearls so it was really devastating. That made the greatest impression and now I am a huge fan of Serial Mom, which is really unlike any other John Waters film.

Despite the longshoreman in me I have a real affinity for Wuthering Heights, so I was not the typical John Waters moviegoer although I am the typical John Waters moviemaker.

DRE: What does your sister think of you being in a John Waters film?

SB: I think my sister is thrilled, she’s 12 years older but she’s so much fun. She has the same sense of love and love for people but she actually does not have a foul mouth. She’s an attorney in Detroit. I need to correct myself, because in Interview magazine I said I was first introduced to John Waters at my sister Marie’s with a bunch of drag queens around. My sister called me and she’s like, "Selma I don’t I don’t remember any drag queens at my house. I don’t know, but I’m sure you must be right, but they weren’t drag queens, they were just men wearing makeup." So forgive me but I thought that was a drag queen. So my sister has a really lovable, non-judgmental slant on life that John Waters has also. I was inspired by her.

DRE: You must be the only American actor to be in two movies rated NC-17, first with Storytelling and now A Dirty Shame.

SB: I don’t know how this happens to me. I really just wanted to be America’s sweetheart or like a Clearasil girl or something. I never thought I would fall so far.

DRE: You do have beautiful skin though.

SB: Thank you.

I don’t have one bit of commercial streak in me so I think the directors who make these movies are drawn to me. I don’t know if I pick the films so much as they pick me. There’s a few I’ll turn down here and there, but otherwise, these directors come to me. I have a sense of humor about things and I love physical comedy so a lot of that is just playing the tightly wound girl that comes undone. I look like such a prude, uptight girl but I’m not. It’s fun for me to play those things.

DRE: Have you talked to any women with such breasts?

SB: No, everything seemed kind of irrelevant with Ursula because she had such a sense of innocence and joyousness and clumsy enthusiasm. A childish streak that is unlike any sexy, jaded woman that you’d normally meet. I went to a couple of strip clubs and checked out the goods there. But no, hers were really ridiculous so I didn’t need to draw on anything.

DRE: Howard Stern plays your quotes from Storytelling on his show a lot.

SB: My mother told me that. In the background they would play “Fuck me bleeper, fuck me bleeper!”

DRE: Does that bother you?

SB: No it doesn’t. I think the movies I do aren’t quiet movies that I would get insulted if someone was making fun of it. I’m a fan of Howard’s and my mother loves Howard. She’s a magistrate in Detroit and she tells me “He just keeps playing, fuck me nigger, in the background.” She’s so funny.

DRE: Would you go on Howard’s show?

SB: I’m not game for that because I’m terrified of him. He would just humiliate me and I don’t know if I could keep up. I do think it’s great that he has a show though.

DRE: Was Storytelling a good experience for you?

SB: It was the greatest experience and one of the most effortless projects I’ve ever done. Todd Solondz is so specific and clear with his voice so it was a cakewalk. I loved it. It made me a little vulnerable to be so naked though.

DRE: Do you want to direct?

SB: I don’t know if directing is in me but producing is. I love to assemble things. I have so many ideas of how to get money and people involved. I want to build a presence as an actor first before I want to murk up my own head with all these other endeavors. But I just have to find the right thing.

DRE: A Dirty Shame is very even-handed in its treatment of neuters and sex addicts. Can you see the point of the neuters "tolerance has gone too far"?

SB: Oh certainly. We’re inundated with images that are a bit grotesque to me but I don’t know if I feel they should be censored at the same time. Everything goes in phases. There will be a backlash of good taste, I really believe that. We just have a strange society, because it’s so puritanical and so going towards this weird fascist censorship. But at the same time, somebody like Jon Benet Ramsey is sexualized. It’s just so curious to me that I can’t even begin to address it in a way that make sense.

I would take the kids to see A Dirty Shame if they wanted to see it. I don’t think there’s anything in this movie that would scar a child.

DRE: Not even learning about felching?

SB: How is that going to scar a child? I don’t know, maybe my children will be raised in a very different way than most people’s. I saw American Werewolf in London when I was a child and I thought it was a great movie, but it really fucked me up with the violence, the imagery like the corpses and things. When I was in third grade, that was something that was fine for kids to go to but it really did a number on me, whereas I just cannot imagine a man answering the door naked would really harm a child. It’s not like it’s their father answering the door naked. John Waters also never puts incest in his films.

DRE: There was incest in Pink Flamingos.

SB: Well, you know how I feel about that movie. I think his films are really joyous sweet films. I think these 14 year olds gyrating on MTV is more hypersexual than a bunch of people bouncing around like clowns in a John Waters movie, but that’s just me.

DRE: Do you have a favorite fetish in the movie?

SB: Yeah, I liked the upper decker guy. I thought that was really sweet. But they all make me sick! The movie makes me sick. I couldn’t be around that set with all the macaroni and dairy on that’s woman’s ample bosom. It really, really, really turned my stomach sour. It was just too much for me but at the same time it’s sweet.

DRE: You can get away with anything if it’s funny,

SB: I’m just a good girl raised in the Midwest!

DRE: Have you read the script for Hellboy 2 yet?

SB: I was just with Guillermo Del Toro in Spain. [whispers] We’re having an affair.

DRE: He’s all slender now.

SB: Oh yeah he’s slimmed down and toned up. It’s all that Pilates and those ballet classes. He’s in Madrid working on a movie and I’m so jealous I’m not working on it. But he made me feel better by saying he was writing Hellboy 2 and Liz Sherman will be back, thank god. I love Guillermo more than I love Diet Coke and I love Diet Coke. Aspartame will kill you by the way. In fact I think it’s the cause of Desert Storm Syndrome. Uh oh there I go becoming a crazy actress saying ridiculous things.

DRE: Did Guillermo give you that big Hellboy hand?

SB: No he didn’t. I didn’t want it anyway, what am I going to do with that? Put it in my Star Wars room?

DRE: Are you trying to tell me Ahmet doesn’t have a Star Wars room?

SB: Yes Ahmet does. We need a big house so Ahmet can have his full on room filled with stuff. Ahmet is the biggest fanboy and Guillermo always makes fun of him by saying he married his very own collectible in Liz Sherman. We got married at Princess Leia’s house; let’s just leave it at that.

Ahmet gets excited about all things Godzilla and Star Wars. It’s crazy. He has a picture of Godzilla next to his bed instead of his wife. There is a baby red panda because he loves fury creatures and Godzilla. No pictures of Selma Blair around! He has a Liz Sherman action figure that looks a lot like Lucy Liu if you ask me.

DRE: How did you and Ahmet meet?

SB: We were set up on a blind date.

DRE: Jeez, I never got set up on blind dates with Selma Blairs.

SB: Yes then I fell in love with him right away. I had no idea and I didn’t even want to go on it in the first place.

DRE: What made you go on a blind date?

SB: I was terribly blue. I hadn’t dated in a really long time; I had come back from Hellboy and felt really isolated. I just couldn’t pick myself off the floor so my girlfriend suggested I go out on a date and have someone pay some attention to me. She called me a couple of weeks later and said that she had my husband. I told her she was out her tree, I asked who and she told me it was Ahmet. I said I was not going out on a date with the game show host. I viewed him as someone who was not at all like the snob I like to be. But he’s the warmest most beautiful and creative man I’ve ever met. He’s a rock star to me.

DRE: I read you proposed to him.

SB: Yes I whispered in his ear then I was shocked that I did it. It was just like one of those immature sweet moments you have. Then he looked at me and said “Are you serious?” and I said “No! tee-hee.” That kind of ruined the moment.

DRE: So you didn’t have a ring for him?

SB: I didn’t have a ring and then he didn’t have a ring for me either. Then he asked me to marry him and I asked him for a token so I would know that he was true so he gave me a highlighter.

DRE: Did you become a fan of the Mike Mignola’s work after doing the movie?

SB: Yes I love his work. His stuff is so gorgeous. I think Hellboy is one of the strongest comics out there. Guillermo and Mignola turned me into such a fan.

DRE: You worked with Roger Kumble twice on Cruel Intentions and The Sweetest Thing. Will you be working with him again?

SB: I want to. He’s working on his third movie and I want to knock on his door screaming “I am your muse.”

DRE: Did you see Cruel Intentions 3 yet?

SB: Oh god no.

DRE: How did you hookup with Roger?

SB: I had been going on auditions. I think I did like 60 and I didn’t get anything. I had done a movie with Dominique Swain [Girl released in 1998]. Then I went in for Cruel Intentions and Roger asked me how old I was so I said “Fuck you, how old are you?” I just didn’t care anymore because I didn’t believe anyone would give me a job. I had lost all desperation and he thought that was funny. I went in trying to play this sweet innocent girl so I think I was pretending to be 15 and Roger was so amused by that. I love Roger and I owe him my career and he owes me a career after The Sweetest Thing.

DRE: What’s your fetish?

SB: I don’t have a fetish. I like a nice, comfy tempurpedic bed and some Frette sheets. I don’t have any fetish at least none that I’d say to you. I’m a lady.

DRE: Do you have any tattoos?

SB: No I don’t. I don’t want any either.

DRE: What are you afraid of?

SB: Permanence. My mind changes all the time. I can’t decide on what personality I want to play from one day to the next. I don’t need that kind of map of a day that a tattoo would have. I’m not that type of girl that has a statement that I need to make so strongly that I’m going to etch it on my body.

DRE: What about piercings?

SB: I have pierced ears that I got in kindergarten. I’m vain so I like a little shimmer.

DRE: No gauge?

SB: Oh god no! That’s just too much. I saw someone with earlobes that were huge and I thought it was gross.

DRE: Have you heard of SuicideGirls?

SB: Yes I love SuicideGirls. SuicideGirls are some of my only fans. I don’t know how it happened.

DRE: Do you think it’s empowering?

SB: To them, not to me. I think women should have a choice to say whatever they want to say however they want to say it. Me being a virgin and all I find it horrifying. I wish I came up with SuicideGirls I would be fucking loaded.

DRE: What was the first film you ever saw and what kind of impression did it leave on you?

SB: I think the first one that really made an impression on me as a real film was Tess [released in 1979]. I loved it and I loved Nastassja Kinski. I would sit through it over and over and over. I don’t know how old I was but I saw it when it was out in theatres. I thought, “Well, that girl really got wronged” and that kind of set the blueprint for my whole life. I kind of emulated her my whole life. I really did a number on myself.

DRE: Did you ever send a fan letter to Roman Polanski?

SB: No, I was actually on the set of Hellboy singing Roman Polanski’s praises to Jeffrey Tambor. I said, "That’s who I want to work with so badly. He made the biggest impression on me and I love his films." He said, "You should write a letter, you should write a letter!" I just can’t. I would sound like some sycophant, and he wouldn’t know who I am. It would just be awful. Maybe one day he’ll read that I think he hangs the moon in the film world for me.

DRE: What kind of movies do you want to do next?

SB: I like to pick a film for the director. That’s why I’m only doing two scenes in a Paul Weitz movie [Synergy] because he’s amazing. I want to build relationships so someone will think of me in the future and I want to see how they work because it’s inspiring. While I consider myself a character actress I am not America’s sweetheart. I don’t sell Skittles that way. But I do now give myself permission to play leading lady roles.

I’m so drawn to period pieces, like the “80’s” just joking! When women were really corseted, I think there’s something there that people don’t play it approachable enough in many movies. But then at the same time there was nothing casual about a lady in those times. It’s just something I’d really like to explore. I’ve played so many contemporary roles, that I want to get into a character that’s such a different style of dressing and walking and talking, because clothes dictated it or music dictated it. I’d really love to get out of this modern life.

by Daniel Robert Epstein

SG Username: AndersWolleck