What's all this business I hear about growing up? People are always saying things to me like, "Just you wait, someday you won't like living in a dirty loft with six roommates," and, "I can't wait 'til you get sick of wiping the noses of concave-chested scenesters,"... more

What's all this business I hear about growing up? People are always saying things to me like, "Just you wait, someday you won't like living in a dirty loft with six roommates," and, "I can't wait 'til you get sick of wiping the noses of concave-chested scenesters," and also, "Buy some high heels and get a real job." And I'm like, "Whoa, guys!" First of all, I only have five roommates and our loft is pretty clean, and secondly, I will wipe my imaginary boyfriend's nose if he needs it because I'm helpful like that, and you should know that I wore heels out the other night for the first time ever and they almost killed me. I think growing up is less about fitting some dumb "grownup 2.0" mold and more about figuring out how to jerry-rig the universe to let you do whatever it is you happen to like doing, even if it's a silly thing like writing and not lawyering or investment banking or putting sprockets into widgets on an assembly line. I think everyone needs a reminder sometimes that you shouldn't let people make you feel bad for being yourself, especially if those people are your own crazy family, to whom I will say glass motherfucking houses and leave it at that.

Matt and Kim Try Out to Be Suicidegirls

Not really but look how naked they are!



I know I've taken some good-natured jibes at them in the past, but Brooklyn's happiest party couple have won me over with their latest effort, Grand. It's all about being young and broke and psyched on life and staying up all night and having lots of lo-fi fun.

How could I not have a soft spot for them when they're singing about my goddamn life?

The music itself is simple as always, and Matt's omnipresent nasalness can get a little annoying towards the end, but they've upped their production quality and catchiness just enough to make Grand listenable for more than a few songs, even adding nice touches like handclaps, strings and electronic beats.

On the theme of making your childish passions work for you, let's juxtapose the Village Voice's video of Matt and Kim's apartment with a recent WTF Bacardi ad that syncs up "Daylight" with one fashionably scruffy young professional's quest across schmancy white people parties through the ages to find a mojito refreshing enough to make him forget he is not, in fact, Jake Gyllenhall.



I bet Kim bought a lot of ice cream with that check!

They're on tour to pretty much everywhere right now, and I defy even the grumpiest of you to last through their set without catching the smiles.

Orphan

If you like your boy-girl duos more evil than adorable, here's some stronger stuff for you. With their bass and drums setup, Orphan is bound to get compared to experimental noise rockers Lightning Bolt, but to my grateful ears, the two aren't all that similar. Contrary to their name (which, for me, conjures some jacked, twitchy orphan packing sharp swords with which to avenge his parents' deaths), they have deep roots in 70's blues metal as well as grunge, hardcore, and weirder art metal motifs.

I discovered Orphan when they opened for the also-great Pontiak at the lower east side's Cake Shop. Despite sparse attendance, they rocked their black little hearts out. Badass drummer chick Speck Brown pounds classically menacing, Sabbath-esque beats straight into your brain while Brendan Majewski screeches doomsday lyrics and grinds through distorted, catchy riffs to kill you with, proving once again that bass is the best instrument if you're good enough to play it like a lead guitar.

They also make funny videos with footage culled from youtube:



Their latest album, Aborted by Birth, came out on white vinyl with great cover art and a run of 666 (awesome). I'm embarrassed I slept on this one for so long.

Love Is All Is All You Need

Even grownups need to dance it out sometimes. Thankfully, everyone's favorite Swedish indie popsters are back with a new E.P. and tour. I've always liked Love Is All for the balance they strike between noise (distorted guitars, lo-fi production, skronky sax) and pure, joyous pop. Delivered in Josephine Olausson's cute, accented wail, lyrics about love, loss, and loneliness make me want to do a happy-sad dance of identification before lying down and spooning with my cat.

They're currently touring Europe and the U.S. and bring copies of their new E.P. with them, which consists of covers of their favorite Swedish classics (in Swedish!). Because they only made 200 copies, they're also giving the music away online. Spread the love.



Camera Obscura

Do you ever wish you could stop falling in love with people who suck? When I grow up, I'm only ever going to love people who love me back. Psyche! You can't control who you fall in love with. What you can control, however, is how you deal with it. Camera Obscura's Tracyanne Campbell deals with it a lot on the recently released My Maudlin Career, with too-close-to-home lyrics like these:

I feel you, Tracyanne. But then you wouldn't make beautifully sad pop songs anymore. And you wouldn't be playing those songs all over the U.S., Canada, and the U.K. right now, either. It's a bittersweet trade off.

The music has matured too, with touches of '50s girl group and country, and lovely string arrangements. And according to twitter, which doesn't fucking lie, it's a current favorite of Missy's. What more do you need? Buy that shit, put it on, and pretend you run a bangin' girly website. Or just hold yourself and sway back and forth while spooning with your cat, that is, if you're flexible enough.





Hunter is a Brooklyn-based writer currently contributing to Vice, The New York Press, Impose, and The L Magazine. If you email her at hunter.suicide AT gmail DOT com, chances are she'd love to add your publication to that list. Seriously, she's got some time on her hands.

(video) If you are one of those nice guys who is afraid to make a move on a woman for fear of offending her, I have an assignment for you: Buy a copy of the Pussycat Dolls first album -- or hit play above -- and listen to the song "Buttons" until your brain dribbles out your ears ("Take... more

If you are one of those nice guys who is afraid to make a move on a woman for fear of offending her, I have an assignment for you: Buy a copy of the Pussycat Dolls first album -- or hit play above -- and listen to the song "Buttons" until your brain dribbles out your ears ("Take a chance to recognize that this could be yours..." *).

Then get the following six words tattooed on your chest like Guy Pearce in Memento giving himself instructions on what to with John G (**): The man leads. The woman dances.

Every time I say those six words the sensitive, new age guy inside me dies a little (***), but the pattern is too consistent to ignore. Women are attracted to guys who aren't afraid to assert themselves. You see it in evolutionary psychology textbooks. You see it in trashy romance novels. You see it on
CraigsList.

More importantly, you will see it in the world around you.

Women don't need men to take charge. They're perfectly capable of opening their own doors, making their own money, and giving themselves their own orgasms. In some cases, they even do a better job. They just like to know you can do it should the situation arise.

Yes, there are exceptions, and certainly, relationships change over time. But at the beginning at least, the song remains the same: The man has to show he's willing to take control. The woman has to be willing to surrender it.

Romance is like taking a car ride, with the guy sitting in the driver's seat and the woman riding shotgun. The man has no grounds for complaint that the car isn't moving if he's just going to sit there and wait for it to start driving itself. At the same time, the guy can't drive if the woman won't let go of the damn steering wheel.

This was driven home to me the other night after a phone call with a cute redhead I met a couple nights ago at a bar. We spent the evening head-to-head talking, completely ignoring our respective friends.

But my follow-up call was a disappointment. It was a nice conversation, but it was missing the electricity of our first meeting. Hanging up the phone, I felt a weird disappointment. And so, I suspect did she.

At first I thought I'd misjudged her. Maybe she wasn't as cool as I thought she was. But as I replayed the call in my head, I realized the problem was me.

Unlike in the bar, I hadn't brought any of myself into the phone call. I had just drifted along agreeing with whatever she said, even if it wasn't conversation that interested me. Granted, I was distracted by her voice, which was slow and smoky and seemed to slide along my skin leaving a curious tingling feeling in its wake. But all the excuses in the world don't change the facts.

I had stopped leading. And with no lead, she had no idea how to dance for me. So she had to guess. And in guessing, she stumbled.

Guys, you have to lead. The amount of leading you will have to do depends on the woman, but at some point, you are going to have to show you are able to take charge. There are a number of specific ways you can do this. I've divided them into three categories (****).

1. Conversational: Approaching and talking to her, asking her out, proposing marriage, etc.

2. Physical: taking her hand, kissing her, removing her bra one-handed in the dark, etc.(*****)

3. Environmental: planning dates, finding parking, peeling her away from her annoying friends, etc.

Leading isn't always fun. Romantic roles in general can be frustrating, especially if they don't happen to align with your particular personality. As a shy guy, I'm not always comfortable taking charge. And I know a lot of women who are terrified at the thought of giving up control.

But there are times we need to learn to do those things. Not just for dating success, but for success in life. It's also why we should be grateful for the people who teach us those lessons.

Even if those people happen to be the Pussycat Dolls. Especially if it happens to be the Pussycat Dolls. After all, not everyone gives advice you can dance to.


(*) A lot of my dating wisdom comes from the Pussycat Dolls. I have an entire manifesto written for women based on the song "Don't Cha." Here's the short version: "Don't take us for granted and keep the blow jobs coming."

(**) I'd like to dedicate an entire column one day to Memento-style tattoos for dating. So far I have, "The Man Leads; The Woman Dances," "Sheila F. married your brother -- don't fuck her, even if she asks you," and "Socks come off before underwear or you look like a jackass." Reader suggestions are welcome.

(***) Good. I hate that guy.

(**** ) I have spreadsheets and everything.

(*****) If you need help, practice at home with a blindfold, a training bra and a life size cardboard cutout of Boba Fett. You'll be a sex Jedi in no time.


Dan Brodribb is a professional stand-up comic and writer. He is currently working on a book called Dating for Shy Guys. Learn more about him at: danbrodribb.blogspot.com.

Occasionally, as Asshole Fuckface will be ignored during a Roundup. This can occur for several reasons. Often, there are worse Asshole Fuckfaces committing far worse acts. Sometimes it is just words instead of action. A heinous act will always get the nod over a statement, particularly if the statement... more

Occasionally, as Asshole Fuckface will be ignored during a Roundup. This can occur for several reasons. Often, there are worse Asshole Fuckfaces committing far worse acts. Sometimes it is just words instead of action. A heinous act will always get the nod over a statement, particularly if the statement is out of character. And sometimes, the Asshole Fuckface is such a complete tool that I could put her in the Roundup every single week. Seriously, welcome to a Michelle Bachmann special edition of the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. Rip out your brain and put on your idiot hat, it’s the only way you’ll understand this nonsense.

THE MICHELLE BACHMANN ASSHOLE FUCKFACE SPECIAL

Michelle has been on a tear the past couple of weeks. She is a miraculous moron in an ordinary year and to say she has stepped up her game is an understatement. She began her trip into the Asshole Fuckface Hall of Fame on March 27th, when she called for a revolution – forgetting that our president was elected by an overwhelming majority of the population.

This is exactly what Thomas Jefferson was talking about. Exactly. He was all about energy taxes and hatin’ on ‘lectric trains and shit.

Next came April 15th, when she conveniently re-wrote recorded history. And I’m not talking about old history, I’m talking a couple of years ago.

In 2006 six Imams were taken off a flight in Minneapolis and detained because some idiot passengers thought they were “suspicious.” “Suspicious” means praying and speaking Arabic. Of course, it was bullshit. They were returning from the Minneapolis conference of the North American Imams Federation and were simply engaging in their evening prayers. Last month, Bachmann explained what happened, but she used non-facts.

No, actually, not at all. They were not doing anything remotely close to what you describe and they had nothing to do with Congressman Keith Ellison, a Muslim. Turns out, not all Muslims know each other, unlike Republican Asshole Fuckfaces. Michelle just blatantly lied to a large audience, even though the actual facts are well known. But we should not be surprised.

Next up, on April 22nd, Michelle took a dip into Lake Stupid and came out really wet.



Holy fucking shit. Where to begin?

Um. It kills you if there’s too much of it. Literally. Kills you. Some people consider dying to be harmful.

Except when it kills you.

It’s not three percent. It’s .04%. If it was 3%, we’d be sleeping a long, long sleep. Oh, and just because something occurs naturally in nature doesn’t mean it’s harmless. Try drinking some Mercury and you’ll totally get what I mean. Seriously. Try drinking Mercury.

Next up, our favorite Asshole Fuckface pointed out the shocking coincidences of swine flu pandemics.



First up, the swing flu in the '70’s happened under the presidency of a guy named Gerald Ford. Ford was sort of a Republican. The vaccinations began under Ford and continued under Carter. So, you are an idiot for getting your facts wrong. Totally not surprised, but let’s pretend you weren’t.

If you find it “interesting” that the outbreak of flus occur under Democratic presidents, then you must believe that is happening for a reason. Why else would you bring it up? So, you are basically saying the Democrats are up to something. Apparently, Democrats have quite a bit to gain by setting the flu loose on the American public. So, Democrats want people to die and they have decided to use an uncontrollable weapon that could kill them and their families. I don’t know how anyone could find a flaw in that argument.

Next up on the Asshole Fuckface idiot express, Michelle said some shit about the past that wasn’t true. Can you believe it? Sit back and enjoy the Great Depression according to Michelle Bachmann.



Yeah, not so much. I’d like to start out by saying it’s not the Hoot-Smalley bill, it was the Smoot-Hawley bill. We know this because it was written by Senator Reed Smoot of Utah and Representative Willis Hawley of Oregon, both Republicans. Besides that little mistake, I’m loving the idea that we should have kept going with the Coolidge awesomeness. Clearly it was really working well until fucking FDR stepped in.

Her stupidity can BEND TIME. That’s fucking awesome.

Finally, Michelle took to the floor of Congress on May 2nd to talk about National Prayer Day, during which she babbled about a prayer Washington wrote…

Of course, it wasn’t actually a prayer written by Washington. It was from a letter he wrote when he resigned from the Army – which is totally different than an inauguration and totally different from a prayer.

Then Michelle went on to show us why she is a leading scholar of American history.

Totally. Except there were these two years between the Constitutional Convention and the drafting of the Bill of Rights by the first Congress. But, almost the same day. Really, you were just off by seven hundred and twenty nine days.

Keep on keeping on, Michelle. You are a national treasure.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

(image) "It's quite a full-thrust, sexy, hot show," promises Gavin Rossdale, who is currently on tour promoting his solo album, Wanderlust, and the second single from it, "Forever May You Run," which will be released as part of a 5-track E.P. via iTunes on May 26. Rossdale may... more

"It's quite a full-thrust, sexy, hot show," promises Gavin Rossdale, who is currently on tour promoting his solo album, Wanderlust, and the second single from it, "Forever May You Run," which will be released as part of a 5-track E.P. via iTunes on May 26.

Rossdale may be promoting new material, but fans of Bush and Institute won't be disappointed with the new show since the singer is drawing from his entire back catalog for the tour. "When I write set lists I don't draw from obscure B-sides," says Rossdale. "I like it when people are connected to the songs, and I think they would be disappointed if I didn't come out and play a bunch of Bush stuff."

Earlier this week, Gavin took an hour out of his busy touring schedule to call in to the SuicideGirls Radio studio for an exclusive interview which will be broadcast on Indie1031.com this Sunday at 10 pm PST (click HERE to listen live).

Rossdale was also kind enough to reserve 2 pairs of tickets for SG readers at his Los Angeles and Anaheim dates (4 pairs total). And it gets better! He's also promised that the recipients will get to meet him before the show. "A meet and greet for SuicideGirls is like a dream match made in heaven," says Rossdale. "That I'd run to the venue for."

For a chance to win a pair of tickets answer the question below:

Q: What's the 10th track on Gavin's Wonderlust album?

Send answers via email to competition@suicidegirls.com. Put "Gavin Rossdale" in the subject header, and make sure you let us know which date you'd like tickets for: June 6 @ the El Rey Theatre in LA, California or June 7 @ the House of Blues in Anaheim. Please also include your full name, telephone number, and return email address. Competition closes at noon (PST) on Wednesday May 27. Winners will be notified by email by 6 pm (PST) on Friday May 29.

For full tour dates go to MySpace.com/GavinRossdale or
GavinRossdale.com.

Since I saw Star Trek a little over a week ago, I’ve struggled to write an adequate review of the movie, and what it meant to me, as someone who was part of the first effort to make Star Trek relevant to the, uh, next generation of fans. I’ve started and abandoned a few thousand words, mostly... more

Since I saw Star Trek a little over a week ago, I’ve struggled to write an adequate review of the movie, and what it meant to me, as someone who was part of the first effort to make Star Trek relevant to the, uh, next generation of fans. I’ve started and abandoned a few thousand words, mostly because I can say everything I need to say in just six:

I realize that a column about the movie, and what it meant to me, is going to need to elaborate on that just a little bit, and that’s where the trouble begins. See, I keep feeling like I’m just rewriting what I wrote about Watchmen, which could also be reduced to six words:

I've tried to stay away from Watchmen, but I keep coming back to that comparison because they both played significant roles in my life as I came of age during my teens. I feel a deeply personal connection to them, and I was – I think understandably – worried that these movies would leave me feeling the way I felt when I walked out of Phantom Menace.

In fact, to explain why, I'm going to quote myself, from my review of Watchmen:

And that's the thing, isn't it? Star Trek has meant too much to too many people for too long for those of us who love it to blindly accept that whoever makes it will treat it with the same love and respect that we believe it deserves. I think it was normal and natural for all of us to have reservations, especially about Star Trek.

It turns out, I think, that a lot of our fears, while well-founded, were unnecessary. JJ Abrams may not be one of us in the convention-going sense, but I think he has something in common with us, and I think it's a big reason why Star Trek made so many of us so very, very happy.

A lot of Trekkies got worked up when JJ Abrams seemed to say that he didn't even like Star Trek, and was more of a Star Wars fan:

The usual blogs and geek punditry picked up on that, and freaked out that he clearly didn't care about Trek, and was going to make something that had more in common with Star Wars – and possibly its disastrous prequels and special editions – than the Star Trek we've loved for so many years. I think, living in our post-Phantom Menace, post-ET-with-Walkie-Talkies, post are-you-fucking-kidding-me-with-X-Men 3 world, that's an understandable response. The funny thing is, I never heard anyone bother to add the very next thing he said:

Let's think about that for a moment, because it could mean a couple of different things. It could mean that Lucas made Star Wars movies that were bigger spectacles than the Star Trek movies, and we need to somehow top that ... except JJ immediately says it isn't:

I think this means that JJ Abrams, self-professed Star Wars fan, left the Special Editions and prequels feeling the same way a lot of us did. That is the shadow George Lucas cast over science fiction movies, especially remakes and reboots and re-imaginings. That could be why he made sure that, even though he doesn't love Star Trek as much as we do, he surrounded himself with people who did, and listened to them when he made his movie.

I could be completely wrong, of course, but I think the story in Star Trek supports this: Spock Prime says, "Listen, I know that I've messed with the timeline in your universe, and things are never going to be the same. But the universe that existed before I traveled through time is still there, and now it's up to you to explore this universe."

It's like JJ is simultaneously telling us, "I respect you. I respect the people and starships and adventures and universe that you've loved for 40 years. I'm not going to tell you that it doesn't matter. I'm not going to tell you that you were wrong to love it, and now it's all gone because I have shiny new effects and actors. It's all there, and it's yours to continue exploring as long as you want to.

"But I do have this new starship and a new crew, and we're going to go explore some different places where no one has gone before. If you want to come along with us, you're welcome to aboard. If not, bon voyage. If you treat her like a lady, she'll always bring you home."

This is the fundamental difference between what JJ Abrams did with Star Trek, and what George Lucas did with Star Wars. Lucas told us, "Hey, you know all that stuff you love so much? That stuff that's been a huge part of your life? Well, you're stupid for liking it because I didn't mean it. These are my toys, always have been, and now I'm taking them back. Ha. Ha. Ha. Fuck you, now give me more of your money."

I hope that Star Trek's legacy is two-fold. I hope that it leads to more movies with these actors and this creative team, and I hope that it encourages more studios and film makers to follow the example laid out by people like JJ Abrams, Zack Snyder, and Peter Jackson.

I mean, can you imagine Michael Bay's Star Trek?

Sorry. Sorry. That was cruel, and I shouldn't have put that image into your head. According to some quantum physicists, though, just thinking about that created a universe where it happened, and I'd like to apologize to everyone in it.

I want to talk about something else from Star Trek, but it contains spoilers, so...

I loved a lot of different things in Star Trek. I thought the casting was perfect. I thought the story was brilliantly paced and executed. I thought the photography, editing, sound design, and visual design was superb. But I especially loved...

...because it let us know that JJ Abrams got us. I, um, was also really happy to see a teenager on the bridge again, but I doubt there is another person in the known universe who shares my precise reasons.

In other words: I loved it. It was awesome.

When Wil Wheaton buys a camel, it will wear a Fez.

(image) No one, but no one, is sexier than a spy -- no one, that is, except a female spy. A chick who can infiltrate any base, slip into any disguise, and nix any Nazi without sweating a drop. Violette Summer, the star of the game Velvet Assassin mixes deadly menace with smoky eyeliner and the kind of... more

No one, but no one, is sexier than a spy -- no one, that is, except a female spy. A chick who can infiltrate any base, slip into any disguise, and nix any Nazi without sweating a drop. Violette Summer, the star of the game Velvet Assassin mixes deadly menace with smoky eyeliner and the kind of ass you only get from sneaking around behind enemy lines. If anything, I feared the game would get too sexy. Would the trim S.S. uniform with the stilettos go just a little too far over the top? Let me tell you: she totally pulls it off.

But to understand the appeal of this character, you have to know the history of Violette Szabo, the real life hero who inspired the game. When World War II started, Szabo was working behind the perfume counter of a department store; by 1941, she was a war widow signing up for special operations. She trained in combat, communications, jumping out of planes, and blowing things to hell. She parachuted into occupied France, sabotaged roads and railways, and helped bombers find their targets. She rallied the French resistance. She hated the Nazis.

She braved two missions, and the second ended in tragedy.Szabo found herself pinned down by Germans at a road block. As the London Gazette tells it, she fought back, "exchanging shot for shot with the enemy" 'til she ran out of ammo, and then they caught her. The Germans interrogated her, tortured her, and raped her. She was executed in February, 1945 at Ravensbrück concentration camp. She was only 23.

Szabo's the stuff of legend - a legend that's been retold in books at least one movie (Carve Her Name With Pride, starring Virginia McKenna). But the story hooked me - and I suspect, a lot of people - because she was so brave, and so young, and no one even asked her to be a hero. Yes, she saw her country bombed and besieged. She already had more life experience than most of us would ever want. But still, if it were me? I'm sure I would've stayed behind that perfume counter.

I was intensely curious what a video game would do with a legend like this. Now, I'm a gamer. I love games more than just about anything. In my dreams, I play games for days, perched on a futon amidst a cadre of vigilent manservents who bring me cool beer and hot take-out. Seraphic women with peacock feathers fan my Xbox to keep it from overheating, and two gigantic, muscular men prop up my flat-screen with their - oh sorry, I forgot I'm on deadline.

So, I love gaming. But games aren't always, you know, subtle. The characters rarely show depth or nuance. The scenarios rarely stray from, "Do A to B, before B does A to you." I didn't expect Velvet Assassin to shed light on Szabo's story. The cornball title pretty much tells the tale: they've taken the Szabo story and cranked it to 11.

This is no rookie on her first mission: Summer comes off as stern, smoldering, and war weary. She's not just a secret agent: she's a super-assassin. She can take a flurry of bullets without flinching. She knows fifty ways to stick a knife in a Nazi, from severing his spine to stabbing him in the ear like she's sharing a Q-Tip. And she always works alone, because who needs a squad? In fact, why didn't they just send her after Hitler? This war could've been over in three missions!

When I think of Szabo, I imagine a woman training to be a heroine. But in Velvet Assassin, Summer is already there. When she signals a bombing raid that kills 30,000 civilians, or murders an Allied agent so he won't talk to the Gestapo, she barely winces at her acts. Yes, there's a little bit of a guilt and redemption story here, and a little flicker of humanity. But for the most part, the girl is hot death in leather - and nothing more.

That's the difference between a video game and real life. Violette Szabo was a flesh-and-blood heroine; Violette Summer is a paragon. She's nothing but an ideal. And that's what brings me as close as I'll ever get to feeling like Violette Szabo: minus the kinky SS suit, we're both trying to live up to the same ideal. Every time I hide in the shadows scared that one false footstep will give me away, I get a glimpse of what Szabo felt; every time I score one for Britain, I feel like the super-spy that Szabo aspired to be. But unlike me on my futon, Szabo never got second chances.

Rachael Webster (a.ka.a SG member PixelVixen707) is SG's Hit Play games columnist. A game lover and game blogger living in New York City, she also writes at PixelVixen707.com and tweets as PixelVixen707.

No one, but no one, is sexier than a spy -- no one, that is, except a female spy. A chick who can infiltrate any base, slip into any disguise, and nix any Nazi without sweating a drop. Violette Summer, the star of the game Velvet Assassin mixes deadly menace with smoky eyeliner and the kind of ass you only get from sneaking around behind enemy lines. If anything, I feared the game would get too sexy. Would the trim S.S. uniform with the stilettos go just a little too far over the top? Let me tell you: she totally pulls it off.

Obama’s going to pick a Supreme Court nominee this year. This will be the first time we are going to have a justice picked by a non-asshole since the 90’s. Besides just a non-asshole, it’s the first time a president will pick a justice based on their credentials, instead of their insane... more

Obama’s going to pick a Supreme Court nominee this year. This will be the first time we are going to have a justice picked by a non-asshole since the 90’s. Besides just a non-asshole, it’s the first time a president will pick a justice based on their credentials, instead of their insane right wing leanings and destructive business loving opinions. In all seriousness, if Justices Roberts and Alito could actually go down on corporations, they would. So this is a big deal. That’s why I think Obama should pick a gay woman. That doesn’t make sense after everything I just said, does it? Like I give a shit.

Let’s go gay. Let’s show the right wing what it feels like to watch an Alito take a seat on the bench. At least we can watch the right wing freak the fuck out and Senators filibuster for no other reason than because there might be a gay person on the bench. It’s a win-win. Do we have a gay woman who is qualified? Of course. Her name is Kathleen Sullivan.

Sullivan graduated from Cornell in 1976, did a little Oxford Scholar action for a couple of years, then graduated from Harvard Law School in 1981 (cough, cough, Obama, Harvard, cough). Harvard law professor Larry Tribe brought Sullivan on to work with him on a Supreme Court case and was quite impressed.

Sullivan went on to clerk for Judge James Oakes on the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit. She worked for a couple of years in Boston for a law firm and was then recruited by Harvard as a professor – where she taught, ahem, Constitutional Law. At the same time, she was working it as a lawyer.

Sullivan moved to Stanford Law School in 1993, where she became dean in 1999. In 2004, she stepped down as dean to become the director of the new Stanford constitutional law center. Oh, and she is the Stanley Morrison Professor at Stanford Law School. She is super qualified for the position. Oh, and she represented Mitch McConnell at one point. You know, Republican Senator Mitch McConnell, also known as Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. I’d love to watch Republicans mount a campaign against a supremely qualified lawyer who once represented their Minority Leader. It’s like a gift from God.

For Republicans it would come down to one thing: Her sexuality. And the time for this battle has come. Let’s watch our insane religious lunatic lawmakers try to take on an openly gay litigator who is far better than any of them.

Kathleen Sullivan for SOTUS. Fucking bring it on.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

As you read this I will be winding up the first part of an extensive international tour to promote my latest book Zen Wrapped in Karma Dipped in Chocolate. I have a small break now before a short hop to New Mexico and then the madness all starts again in August when I go to Finland and Germany. Whenever... more

As you read this I will be winding up the first part of an extensive international tour to promote my latest book Zen Wrapped in Karma Dipped in Chocolate. I have a small break now before a short hop to New Mexico and then the madness all starts again in August when I go to Finland and Germany.

Whenever I give a talk I’m always in a hurry to get to the Q&A section. That’s where the real action is as far as I’m concerned. At several of my stops on the current tour people have asked me whether I’ve had the experience of satori and, if so, what it was like.

The word satori means “awakening to one’s true nature.” According to most of the earliest English-language books on Zen, including the works of D.T. Suzuki and Alan Watts, satori is the goal of Zen practice. I happen to come from a tradition that looks upon satori in a completely different way. But even in my tradition, there is the idea that if you do your Zen practice long enough and sincerely enough, there will come a time when the true nature of yourself and the universe becomes clear.

But asking someone else about their satori is a little bit like the guy in the Monty Python “Nudge Nudge” skit who keeps pestering a stranger about his sex life then finishes by asking, “Have you ever slept with a lady? What’s it like?”

Like sex, satori is something that can’t really be explained. Also, just like sex, it’s very easy to make others believe you’ve had an experience that you really haven’t. There’s enough literature out there these days that anyone who wants to could cobble together a pretty convincing satori experience story without even having done a single period of zazen. Plus, again like sex, there’s a huge market for stories of satori experiences among those who want to try and live vicariously through others, leading to the development of a very popular and lucrative field of literature we could call “sa+0ri pr0n.”

I’m not a big fan of this kind of literature, though I feel I may have inadvertently produced some of it myself. A lot of the readers and reviewers of my first book, Hardcore Zen seized on an incident that happens about 2/3 of the way through, in which I described the experience of understanding that occurred one day while I was walking along the banks of a river on my way to work. Sometimes people ask about this and their questions get so garbled I can barely make sense of them. One guy in Detroit a few years back asked about the incident in my book where I saw an apparition beside a lake. I can only assume he must have been talking about that part of the book. Unless he was talking about someone else’s book entirely!

Zen literature is full of expressions of the state I was trying to address with that passage in Hardcore Zen. Sometimes it’s described as “seeing your own face as it was before your parents were born.” My first teacher, Tim McCarthy, said, “It’s more you than you could ever be.” Gudo Nishijima Roshi, who ordained me, said, “My personality extends throughout the universe.” Just the other day in Saskatoon a guy told me about how depressed he’d been when he found out God didn’t exist. I told him God exists and that I can no longer doubt it at all.

These explanations really don’t help much, though. “Seeing your face before your parents were born” sounds like a description of reincarnation. “It’s more you than you” just sounds weird. “My personality extends throughout the universe” sounds like the ultimate ego trip. And how many other worthless assholes claim they know for certain God exists? They usually end up causing major catastrophes. There are a million other expressions of the same thing out there, all equally useless.

Yet one facet of my experience that day by the river was that all of these expressions were not useless at all. In fact they began on that day to make perfect sense. I don’t expect you to believe that. In fact I wouldn’t even want you to believe that. You really shouldn’t. Don’t. Please.

You’ve got to be very careful about people who tell you about their amazing spiritual experiences. They’re usually trying to sell you something. I know of one guy who asks $50,000 to give you a satori experience. And I’m trying to sell books. I won’t lie to you about that. Not necessarily by talking about that experience. But it’s part of it. But I do want to make it clear that I am not trying to get followers. Followers are a pain in the ass. They’re the ultimate stalkers. I have nothing but contempt for followers, especially if they’re mine.

When the folks who tell you about their amazing spiritual experiences aren’t trying to sell it to you they’re usually trying to get you to validate their experiences. They’re not sure if their enlightenment was real or not, but if someone else has believes in it they might be able to believe in it themselves.

But then on the other hand I know why a lot of people ask me about whether or not I’ve had satori. Here I am telling them it takes years of hard slog for zazen to start really working. They don’t want to waste their lives on boring Zen practice unless there’s gonna be some kind of pay off. They want to know what that pay off is supposed to be like so they can decide if it’s worth the trouble.

If that’s your view I can tell you right now it’s not worth the trouble. You might as well do something fun instead. The only way you’re ever going to have what it takes to pursue Zen practice is when you’ve exhausted every other option, when there’s nothing left for you but to dive right into the truth itself no matter what it costs you. Because it will cost you dearly. It will cost you your soul.

Still, when I started out with this stuff I found some sa+0ri pr0n inspirational. From time to time, the hope that I might one day have an experience like that myself kept me from giving up, just like my hope that I might one day have a 3-way myself kept me reading Penthouse Forum. That very same hope for satori someday also made me lose faith in Zen entirely a number of times when I realized it wasn’t happening, the same way I finally stopped reading Penthouse Forum. (Y’know, someone at SG should start and “SG Forum” group. I’d read that.)

So I don’t really know whether it benefits anyone to give them my own Penthouse Forum-style tale of satori or not. Plus there’s a sense in which mentioning these things at all is seen as bragging, like only people on a highly elevated spiritual plane or some such shit can have them. But the fact is that satori is available to anyone serious enough to work at it. It is your birthright. It is the underlying core of your real experience this very moment.

The best I can say about what happened to me on that day I wrote about in my first book is that I went in a moment from seeing myself as a guy walking to work to seeing myself as a concrete expression of the will of the universe. And it was not an intellectual experience. It was pure body knowledge, the same way reading about a 3-way in Penthouse Forum is totally different from actually having one on a Saturday afternoon in your own bedroom with two very close and beautiful friends.

Looking at the sky was exactly like looking into a mirror. Same with anything I turned my attention to. Yet, although I’d never felt that way before, it didn’t feel like anything new. It was like this had been the way things were all along and my other way of thinking had just been a temporary obstruction. It was like recognizing the mind that I’d been born with.

But most people who believe in satori or various other kinds of “enlightenment experiences” think that these experiences will be the ultimate fix-it-all. They want the experience because they imagine it will instantaneously wipe away every pain, fear and difficulty they have in life and they will exist forever in a state of permanent bliss and happiness. They think it will end suffering. It doesn’t.

In fact in my case it didn’t really fix much of anything. OK. A few nagging fears that had dogged me for ages were gone. I’m no longer afraid I’m going to die someday. That doesn’t mean I don’t fear death at all. It’s just that I don’t fear it as death. I don’t worry that one day I’m going to disappear. I can’t disappear. Neither can you or anyone else. Yet you’re not going to live forever either. You’re gonna be dead as a doornail someday and ain’t nothin’ gonna bring you back. You won’t get reincarnated either.

I still have all of the residual karma I had before that day. I am exactly the same person as I was. As Dogen put it, “Realization doesn’t break the individual any more that the reflection of the sky in a dewdrop breaks the dewdrop.” You still gotta deal. Yet you deal from a new standpoint. You deal with life knowing now what you’re dealing with and who is dealing with it.

I’ll say it again; none of the foregoing is intended to impress you or to make you believe what I say. I honestly couldn’t give two shits who it impressed or who believed it. In fact if you do believe it I’m likely to regard you as kind of a sap. But the fact of having been asked about it so many times on this tour lets me know there are people out there who are curious about these things and I’d like to try and give a realistic answer. This, I think, is very important because there are so many bullshit answers to that question and a whole lot of people believe them. I believed a lot of that bullshit myself and it did me a lot of harm.

So take from this article whatever you want. Argue about it in the comments section if you feel so inclined. Enjoy yourself. Be happy.



Brad Warner is ON TOUR RIGHT NOW and may even be in your area! To see where Brad will be speaking next take a look here!

Brad Warner is the author of Hardcore Zen and Sit Down and Shut Up! and the newest Zen Wrapped in Karma Dipped in Chocolate. He maintains a blog about Buddhist stuff and a MySpace page too. If you're in Southern California and you want to try some Zazen for yourself, he has a group that meets every Saturday in Santa Monica.

Buy the new CD by his band Zero Defex at CD Baby now!

Brad is currently looking for women to help him “do research” for his upcoming book about sex and Zen. He can be contacted directly for an appointment through this website!