As a cheesy tattoo reality show once said, "Every body has a story." I know at least some of you have studied mine. Can each curve, bump, puffy lip and turn of ankle tell something essential? Is there a side my friends don't see when we get wasted and they watch me stumble towards my ever-solidifying... more

As a cheesy tattoo reality show once said, "Every body has a story." I know at least some of you have studied mine. Can each curve, bump, puffy lip and turn of ankle tell something essential? Is there a side my friends don't see when we get wasted and they watch me stumble towards my ever-solidifying destiny of holy goof-ness?

As I write this, I'm sitting in a motel in Flagstaff, Arizona, downing Emergen-C with my Miller Lite and nursing multiple battle injuries. I'm in the bathtub so as not to disturb my sleeping companions, who've just informed me I go at the keyboard like I have a grudge against it. As always, South by Southwest happened so hard and fast I'm still trying to figure out if I dreamed it all. I threw out my bag of SXSW crap. Pictures glow from the screen, but what I can touch is my body. I see its marks, I feel them, and, when I press on them, they fucking hurt. Maybe they can map a way back into this rapidly receding thing. After all, I'm pretty sure I was there.

Bruise on Top of Left Foot

This happened when I saw HEARTSREVOLUTION at Beauty Bar. Their sexy electro had all the drunks jumping up and down so joyously no one noticed if they stomped on a foot or two, least of all mine. Leila Safai is the ultimate party pixie, packing mondo energy into her tiny frame, then shooting it at you. Am I allowed to quote myself? Oh well, I'm doing it anyway.

Source: The New York Press

The chance to get those tits out came swiftly in the form of a surprise run-in with my old friend Merlin Bronques. Naked in the bathroom at Beauty Bar just like the old days. I almost shed tears of nostalgia, it was such a throwback. Merlin makes me look pretty even when I'm not wearing concealer and haven't slept or put down the bottle in days. Kind of busted but in a hot way, maybe? I love that man.

Scrape on Upper Right Thigh

This happened when I was jumping a fence in an attempt to climb up on the roof of Ms. Bea's to see Health pound out a fitting finale to Todd P's orgy of unofficial rocking. Regular clumsiness worsened by hits off someone's joint, that evil fence caught me in the ass-thigh just when I thought I'd cleared it. It also caught my nice new American Apparel pencil skirt (please send free shit), revealing my purple leopard print undies to all. A good Samaritan helped free me and didn't even stare at my ass, that I know of.

From the roof a panoramic soundscape unfolded. For two minutes, all was sheer noisy bliss, with breezes and crackling sound currents intermingling. Then Todd yelled at us to abort before the scrap wood shanty that is Ms. Bea's collapsed. Like a cat in a tree, I spun all gears puzzling over just how to get down. Unlike that cat, I showed more people my ass before falling unceremoniously into the underbrush.

Bruise on Left Buttock

Followed by:

Assorted Thigh Bruises, Leg Abrasions

It's hard to recall just when and where each of these occurred. I know I woke up with some on Sunday, some Monday, so it's a good bet to say the first group of friends came to me as I floated into the numerous bony people and assorted unforgiving obstacles at the Vice party. When I arrived, Titus Andronicus were playing. Their noisy, anthemic rock with shaky vocals reminds me simultaneously of early Bright Eyes and Bruce Springsteen. I pushed up to the front and went to town. Unlike most afterparties, I didn't feel like shit by the end. This was due to the fact that the only free booze was tequila, which falls out of my mouth like poison, and beer, which I can only drink so much of. Despite missing my old pal whiskey, I sampled a veritable thali plate of Hunter's little helpers, which interfered with one another and cancelled each other out until I was so fucked I wasn't fucked at all.

The next night I went to the most awesomely terrifying party the world has ever seen. Bike punks, fireworks and broken glass spelled F-U-N. More bruising was a given but I counted myself lucky to have escaped with my face intact. I'm a tad neurotic about the ol' shana punim, as I know it'll be my primary dick-bait when I get fat.

Mega Scrape on Left Knee

Somewhere along the line I managed to meet a boy who likes all the same weird things as me. When he asked me to ride on his handlebars (no mustache) I thought my wee heart might pop. We felt it would be best to let Asobi Seksu cloak us in their layered mass of sound, with loud whispers of Cocteau tumbling from Yuki Chikudate's pretty mouth. Afterwards, I rode again with squeals of failing to be serious and coy until an unscheduled date with pavement (no Malkmus) ended it. The blood poured down into my dirty boot but I couldn't stop laughing at its sheer red ridiculousness. It keeps on cracking and sprouting little beads, but I don't mind since I know it'll heal eventually and it helps me remember how much I love that goddamn music festival.



Hunter is a Brooklyn-based writer currently contributing to Vice, The New York Press, Impose, and The L Magazine. If you email her at hunter.suicide AT gmail DOT com, chances are she'd love to add your publication to that list. Seriously, she's got some time on her hands.

So I guess the front page decided it hates hopefuls? Or am I just missing a key part of the page? Because from what I gather, it's like one photoset is worth sharing, and then 2 featured blogs and a bunch of random shit. Maybe it's just the hopezilla in me, but I feel kind of let down. Just... more

So I guess the front page decided it hates hopefuls? Or am I just missing a key part of the page? Because from what I gather, it's like one photoset is worth sharing, and then 2 featured blogs and a bunch of random shit.

Maybe it's just the hopezilla in me, but I feel kind of let down.
Just don't forget about my new set when the time comes (12 May), so it can make the front page, otherwise nobody will ever know it exists. Thanks web developers for showing your appreciation for it when hopefuls put effort into something. I feel loved.
Another little teasey bit to keep me fresh in one's mind:


Anyway, I just got back from New Orleans. It was amazing. I kind of want to live there. Here's a little bit of my journey;

Also, these pictures are huge, so if you open them in a new window you should be able to see the not cropped version!

*Edit to add:
HOW IRONIC.

*Edit again to add:
I don't give a shit how anyone who is already pink feels about this blog, it doesn't apply to you, so if you're going to comment and say something like "wow ..really?" then just don't comment at all. It obviously doesn't apply. So I changed this to *friends only*, because the people I have here whom I consider friends, are really the only ones I meant to be talking to anyway. I had no intentions of this being put on the front page and to be honest, I'm kind of irritated, 39 comments and 42 messages later, that it was.

The time has come for you to absorb the hideous actions of this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces. It is a horrible bunch of horribles. Many of my minions ask how I came up with the name Asshole Fuckface Roundup. It was a difficult and eye opening process. Several other names made the final list, before... more

The time has come for you to absorb the hideous actions of this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces. It is a horrible bunch of horribles. Many of my minions ask how I came up with the name Asshole Fuckface Roundup. It was a difficult and eye opening process. Several other names made the final list, before my mommy and I chose Asshole Fuckface Roundup. The list included such gems as: Douchebag Fucknuts Encapsulation, Asshat Cunterman Digest, Fuckbag Shitmonster Review, Ballsac Sphincterface Wrap Up, and the Bad People Compilation. As you can see, the Asshole Fuckface Roundup just flows off the tongue better than the others. And here we are, me writing about the worst people on the Earth this week and you preparing your leather apron and plastic Dutch hat for the reading. Get that hat on, because this shit is starting now.

First up, some bankster babytown Asshole Fuckfacery.

Nothing is more glorious that hearing the Asshole Fuckfaces at AIG act like they are victims of some horrible common people anger. Poor little babies. Did you help to destroy our economy and now people are mad at you? Aw. First we were allowed to read an email from Class A Asshole Fuckface Jake DeSantis. He was an executive vice president of the American International Group’s financial products unit, you know, the unit that made all the bad deals, destroying the company.

Hey, Fuckface, don’t bring up the closing of steel mills and teachers while whining about persecution from Congress and Americans. Those are the people you and your kind ruined and have been sucking the life out of for years. Just go back to your throne of gold and figure out other ways to ruin the economy.

Take that shit back to babytown and file it under "Fuck off." I’d rather not have anyone working for a dollar, you know, because when you guys were working for a lot of money you destroyed the company. I can’t imagine what you’d do when receiving no compensation.

Oh, and the American dream shit? Fuck you. In the old days, a graduate of MIT would get a job at a company that actually PRODUCED something. You make money off of money, and jackoffs like you, who all jumped into the financial world, helped to unbalance the system. You are parasites, making money off of the common man. Please, go try to find a job in the financial sector right now. Today. Good luck. Or, now that you are out in the real world, try actually doing something worthwhile with your life.

And then some AIG Asshole Fuckface in London, you know, the office that CREATED THE DISASTER, asked the British government to look into whether or not asking for him to VOLUNTARILY return his bonus was extortion.

Um, yeah. Let’s not comment on the part where you Asshole Fuckfaces put that little thing into the unregulated contracts that forces AIG to pay banks a shitload of money if you don’t get your bonuses. That’s totally not extortion. You are a rapist. A rapist of mankind. Go perish.

Next up, hot dog Asshole Fuckfacery.

It’s hard being an Orthodox Jew and finding Kosher food. I should know, when I lived in New York I worked in a small, family owned, gourmet food store. To get that little Kosher seal of approval from a Rabbi, the owners had to pay thousands and thousands of dollars and then the Rabbi would never come to check to make sure everything was Kosher. It was a racket! How surprising.

This week, the racket was exposed at the Shawarma King restaurant in Brooklyn. A Rabbi and a customer were checking out the hot dogs on the grill, when they realized the dogs were not Kosher. OH SHIT!

MOTHERFUCKER!

The worker pulled out an electric knife to defend himself from the angry horde of religious extremists.

Yeah, get him! Kill the bastard! God damned wrong hot dogger!

Yes, keep pretending it’s real and swim in your money.

Next up, a little Conservative Asshole Fuckfacery.

Burt Prelutsky is a guy I had never heard of until yesterday. He is apparently a spectacular Asshole Fuckface. This week, Burt dug deep down into his brain and put together some stuff for the idiots to enjoy. Burt decided to go after Michelle Obama, because, you know, she’s there.

Oh, so you don’t lay off of spouses because you can find a ridiculous loophole for anyone. Good to know, liar.

Do go on.

Oh, snap! You clever bastard! Step your shit aside, dead Mark Twain, America has a new bestest satirist. A white guy calling a successful black woman a bitch! BAM! Michelle Obama is a bitch! Why? Well, because the right wing made a bunch of shit up and now they get to pretend it’s real. Oh, and Jesus would be proud of his American Christian following. This is soooo something Jesus would have said.

Finally, some police officer Asshole Fuckfacery.

Ryan Moats is an NFL running back who plays for the Houston Somethings (I don’t follow the NFL, it sucks). Moats had a bad week. His mother-in-law was on her deathbed on Thursday. The family had gone home to get some rest, but was told to rush back to the hospital because she was about to die. Moats, his wife, her grandfather and an aunt jumped into his SUV and headed back.

Moats rolled through a red light after the only other car waved him through, because he had his hazard lights on. That’s when Asshole Fuckface Officer Robert Powell came into the picture. He pulled Moats over – after he had parked in the hospital parking lot. Then he pulled out his gun and pointed it. You know, because there was a bunch of black people in a nice car.

They explained that her mother was dying, but Powell was more concerned with the serious red light situation. He told them to stay put, but Tamishia and her aunt went into the hospital anyway. Moats and his father-in-law remained behind with the Asshole Fuckface. They continued to explain the situation and then just began asking for the ticket so they could go inside.

Yeah, it’s weird the way people want to get going WHEN SOMEONE IS DYING.

Quality policing. Hospital security guards came and tried to explain the situation to Powell. No luck. Then a nurse came down to explain it to the Asshole Fuckface. He then gave Moats his ticket -- and then continued to lecture him.

Nice work. Powell has been removed from active duty and is now working dispatch. And investigation is being conducted and according to Lt. Andy Harvey,

What a shock. I would think a cop who stopped a man from being at his mother-in-laws bedside while she was dying would be well mannered.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

With Watchmen in theaters we thought this might be a good time to revisit this interview the late DRE did with the great Alan Moore. My favorite thing I learned about Moore in this interview: He was in a relationship with two women at the same time for three years.

SXSW kicked my ass... Here's a few more segments that I hosted for Attack of the Show during my epic SXSW trip. The first one covered the SXSW music scene and this one covered the happenings at the Red Bull Moon Tower. Now, here's some more photos from the trip... (image) The Red Bull Moon... more

SXSW kicked my ass...

Here's a few more segments that I hosted for Attack of the Show during my epic SXSW trip. The first one covered the SXSW music scene and this one covered the happenings at the Red Bull Moon Tower.

Now, here's some more photos from the trip...


The Red Bull Moon Tower parties went on until sunrise with bands and DJs and free booze and Red Bull, so what's not to love?



Legendary graphic designer Sheperd Fairey DJ'd at the RBMT.



Lone Star is the best beer in Texas, but those bottle cap puzzles confuse me.



I could often be found with one of these -- a pocket makes a great beer caddy, but...



...Zoetica's boobs make a much better one!



In fact, one thing I really, really, really hate about Zoetica...



...is that you cannot take a bad photo of her! Damn you Ass Master!!!






She hates this hat.



You don't leave behind a note written on used underwear for just anyone.
I think things between Austin, TX and I may actually lead to something serious...


P.S. And just to give you an idea of what the streets are like during SXSW, check out this vid...

After decades as a heavy metal showman, Ozzy Osbourne opened his family life up to TV cameras in the first celebrity reality show, The Osbournes. Now that everyone from the Hogans to Run-DMC have copied their format, the Osbournes are bringing back another classic TV genre: the variety show. Osbournes... more

After decades as a heavy metal showman, Ozzy Osbourne opened his family life up to TV cameras in the first celebrity reality show, The Osbournes. Now that everyone from the Hogans to Run-DMC have copied their format, the Osbournes are bringing back another classic TV genre: the variety show.

Osbournes Reloaded puts the family on stage, entertaining studio and home audiences with sketches and performances. They'll cut to pretaped bits including hidden camera stunts (Ozzy working drive-thru fast food for example), a recurring Littlest Osbournes segment (British kids swearing like Ozzy) and clips showing the Obsbournes meeting other families from across the country that share their name.

Ozzy still looks like his old prince of darkness self, dressed in black with long hair and sunglasses even inside a dark Hollywood bar, where a press meet and greet has been arranged to promote the new show. Kelly, having blossomed into a far more elegant version of her former self, now sports a vintage look, with dyed black hair cropped in a bob. (Another thing that's changed is Kelly's dating status, she got engaged to fashion model Luke Worrall in November of last year.)

The Osbournes reloaded premieres March 31 on Fox. SuicideGirls chatted with Ozzy and Kelly to get the inside scoop on the show.

Question: When you thought about doing a second show, did you feel like, "What more could we do on television?"

Ozzy Osbourne: To be honest with you, I never thought about it. Sharon was the driving force behind it. When they first came to me, I said, "I think it's not what we're about." Then Sharon wanted to do it and the kids wanted to do it so I thought, "You know, I'll have a go."

Kelly Osbourne: It's something that we thought, like, "What else could we do?" We started something, a whole generation of TV programming. We don't want to do something unless it's equally as great. So we spent a lot of time and said no to a lot of projects -- until we finally said yes.

OO: What I've sort of learned from it is when you watch a TV show, it didn't take just a half an hour to make. It took weeks, the work that goes into it. The variety show is truly a variety show in the respect that we're trying a lot of different things: some of what you're familiar with, some that you're not familiar with. Yesterday I was doing green screen work and I was there for 10 hours straight, different costumes, different mics. You know, like Forrest Gump when they put somebody [in the scene], it's that kind of thing.

Q: How many different things do you do on the show?

KO: We all do different things. Me and my father do hidden camera stuff where we took over a yoga class. We also took over a drive-through. It's really funny. Jack and I do a challenge. I challenge Jack in every episode. We have one thing where we go around meeting other Osbourne families. What I love the most is the audience participation and the reaction that we get from just filming in studio.

Q: How did you find the fast food work?

OO: Not to my liking, to be honest with you. I didn't get involved in the entertainment business to do fast food restaurants. These people really work. One thing I've learned, I try not to complain too much about people who have to do manual jobs that you would never want to do. Who cleans up? Who does dishes? Somebody does that job. I come from a working class background. I've never forgotten that. I've done my share of destroying hotel rooms and all of that stuff. It makes me realize they're still out there and they're still doing them jobs.

Q: What can you tell us about the other Osbourne families?

KO: People are people, no matter what your last name is, they've all been just lovely people. They live very different lives from us. One of them is a cowboy, one of them is a UFO hunter and one of them is a farmer.

OO: Well, the first one we went to was in Dakota somewhere. I think it's quite alarming because I often wondered, when I'm on the road and I'm going around Washington, I go to the military hospital and see the guys who got wounded out there in Iraq and Afghanistan. I often thought, "Where do they get all the soldiers from?" People come from England, New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, a lot of big cities, but there's thousands and thousands from smaller towns in this country. You don't think that they exist but they do. When I went to this one in Dakota, I said to the parents, "How many children you got?" They said, "Three. I mean, we've got two and one's in the military." I asked if he's been to Iraq or Afghanistan and she said, "Yeah. Two tour of duties." Don't you ever worry about him getting killed? She went, "Oh no, not for his country." I went whoa. Then she goes, "My kids here got as much chance of getting killed as there." I go, what do you mean? She said, "Well, my daughter the other day had a car crash and she could've got killed." I thought what a weird thing to say. If my kid ever come to me and says, "Dad, I want to go in the army" I wouldn't [let him]. I'd just think he must be mad.

Q: How have you changed since we last saw you on TV?

KO: When they first came to us and said, "Do you want to do an MTV show?" I was 15 years old. I'm 24 now. Without being in the public eye and without being famous, you change within those years, as a human, anyway. Those are the shortest, but most difficult years of your whole entire life, and to have to do it, and be judged, in front of the world, I was really insecure. I hated myself, I was massively depressed and I didn't know what I wanted to be. You get stuck very much in the whole, "Oh, you're just a celebrity's daughter." It was my mission to prove to the world that that's not just what I am and that's not just what I'm capable of doing. Yes, that's where I come from, and I'm damn proud of it. I don't want to have any other parents. I'm an Osbourne, through and through, but I had to pay my dues, and I went out there and did it.

Q: What did you learn from the low points in your life?

KO: As it says on my arm, "This too shall pass." No matter how hard things get, things will always get better, if you want them to. And, you can't change people. You need to change yourself. There's no one to talk for the way that you are, other than you.

Q: Do you think that getting married will ground you more?

KO: I don't know. For me, marriage is just a certificate. As far as I'm concerned, he's the love of my life and that's all that matters.

Q: What have you learned from your parents' marriage and watching them, since they've been together for so long?

KO: Marriage is scary. It is through thick and thin. I've learned a lot from them because I've seen how, just because you have one small argument, it doesn't mean divorce.

Q: [to Ozzy] Do you like Luke Worrell? [Kelly's fashion model fiancé)

OO: He's a nice guy but you're going to be able to watch what he's doing.

KO: He and my dad get on very, very well, which I was absolutely amazed with.

Q: What do you like best about him?

KO: Everything! It's the best, when you're in love. It's everything.

Q: Do you still consider yourself the Prince of Darkness?

OO: I never did in the beginning. That was a name they just gave me.

Q: You've taken it on though.

OO: No, I don't take anything too seriously. I'm a lucky guy to be alive. I'm lucky to be able to be doing what I'm doing at my age. I've had a great career in entertainment.

Q: Kelly, could you describe your new look?

KO: Me? I don't know. I don't try and be anything other than myself.

Q: I would call it '50s noir, and that's a compliment.

KO: Thank you. I think when you're very pale and you have dark hair and a round face, you can't help but always look '50s. I would never say that I was going for it but thank you.

Q: Who are your style icons?

KO: I have so many, everyone from Wendy O. Williams to Grace Kelley, Bette Davis and Bettie Paige, may she rest in peace. I look to the old and new. I love Dita Von Teese, but just because I have pale skin and black hair does not mean I want to be her.

Q: Who are some of your favorite designers right now?

KO: I love Luella, PPQ and Matthew Williamson. My favorite shoe designer in the whole entire world is Gina.

Q: Do you prefer shopping in the United States or London?

KO: London. They have stores like Top Shop, where you get high-fashion clothes that have been knocked off at lower prices. Fashion changes every six months, so it's an affordable way to wear what's in fashion and you don't have to waste tons of money on something you can't wear for very long.

Q: How does recording fit into your schedule these days?

KO: It's something that me and my father were recently talking about, and I really do want to do. I have never done it the right way. The first time, I was very aware that it was just a marketing thing. They thought, "She had a great show. We can make money off of her." I hated the album, so I found a way to destroy it. The second album, I loved so much. I worked so hard on it. I felt like I finally found, musically, what direction I wanted to go in, but I ended up being miserable with who I was and went to rehab. I didn't take it where I wanted to go with it, and then the record company went bankrupt, so I just decided to take a break from everything and find out what I really wanted to do. So, now, I definitely want to get back into the recording studio. I'm more grounded, I have the time and I would love to do another album.

Q: Who are you listening to musically?

OO: Paul McCartney. I'm still a Beatle fan at heart. I met Paul McCartney a few times. He's a nice guy.

Q: Do you use an iPod?

OO: Oh yeah. Finally, after people were going, "Get an iPod, it's got every Beatles song ever recorded." Eventually I got one. Now I just sit there listening to music all day watching war movies on the television.

Q: How do you feel about having a song in Guitar Hero?

OO: You know, one of the weirdest things about that video game, I've found that they sell a billion copies of that video game. I thought well, a billion people didn't buy the damn record.

Q: Are you any good at the game?

OO: I haven't tried it myself. It's just work.

Q: Having come from music, how do you feel about your status as a TV star now?

OO: Oh, I don't know. It's all part of the entertainment business. It's all entertainment at the end of the day. I'm not saying I'm going to abandon my musical thing. I'm writing an album now. We'll see.

Mastodon has had a tough couple of years. First, singer / guitarist Brent Hinds suffered a severe brain hemorrhage, following a backstage incident at the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards that reportedly involved System of a Down bassist Shavo Odadjian. Then, in fall of 2008, guitarist Bill Kelliher was hospitalized... more

Mastodon has had a tough couple of years. First, singer / guitarist Brent Hinds suffered a severe brain hemorrhage, following a backstage incident at the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards that reportedly involved System of a Down bassist Shavo Odadjian. Then, in fall of 2008, guitarist Bill Kelliher was hospitalized just days into a European tour with Slayer -- forcing the band, who formed nine years ago in Atlanta, to play as a three-piece.

But it hasn't been all drama. In between the two incidents, Mastodon recorded what has got to be their most elaborate album yet, Crack the Skye (reportedly named after drummer Brann Dailor's sister, Skye, who committed suicide at age 14). An elaborate semi-concept album about Czarist Russia, astral travel, wormholes and Rasputin, Crack the Skye features a song, "The Czar," split into four movements. Such conceptual indulgences aren't unique to Mastodon, but unlike others of their ilk that are for the most part limited to a specific niche, Mastodon succeeds in all quarters of the music market -- able to play the Pitchfork Festival then go on tour with Metallica.

SuicideGirls spoke with bassist / vocalist Troy Sanders as he was driving his truck around Atlanta on what he describes as the "first day of Georgia summer."

Joshua Glazer: How long have you been home for?

Troy Sanders: We came home December 9th from the Unholy Alliances Tour supporting Slayer. We were home January, February, March -- it's been three months, three glorious months.

JG: That's a nice long break for you guys.

TS: It is. Today is the 10th and we leave a month from today, April 10th, and we're going to be gone for, basically, the bulk of the next 12 to 15 months.

JG: Does it get harder to do as the years pass? Is there more desire to be at home?

TS: It's a perfect yin/yang man. It's like, we're not working or generating income unless we're on the road on tour. We enjoy it, we need to do it, and we love to do it. But, I think it's finding the fine line of the five week tour, two weeks at home, six week tour, two weeks at home, four week tour, two weeks at home -- you know, creating that balance. Because it's very easy to become disconnected with your home life when you're living the rock & roll lifestyle for forty days straight.

JG: You guys are in a good position. There's a history of metal bands, and bands that have a similar following to Mastodon, being able to do this for decades while making some sort of income.

TS: I hope so. You know, we've never had any expectations since we got together a little over nine years ago. Everything has built to this point very, very slowly and gradually and in a very positive manner.

At the same time, a lot of our heroes, you know The Melvins, Neurosis, Metallica, Slayer, these guys have all been together for 20 to 30-something years and are still very much a solid family unit, traveling the world, and still thrilled to travel the world and make music with their friends for a living. So, if that pans out for us in that degree, then that'd be awesome, that'd be amazing. But, that's kind of hard...that's something I don't even want to predict.

JG: You don't wanna jinx it.

TS: Yeah and I feel that as long as I'm alive and have motor skills, and I think I speak for all four of us, that we'll all be playing music, in one form or another, forever. I feel that's a safe thing to say. As long as Mastodon maintains its integrity and our brotherhood, then, I don't see it going anywhere.

JG: Right. You guys have had kind of a scary situation in the past year.

TS: We had a couple of em, yeah.

JG: Has that changed your outlook and your commitment to the band?

TS: I think, you know the cliché, that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger? In the Mastodon world, that's happened twice now over the past two years, and it's been a really true and effective term. We're over nine years old in the band now and we're a more tight-knit unit now than ever before. We're able to channel negatives into positive and therapeutic results and I think that's something very wonderful to achieve and overcome.

It's very easy to sit back and be super negative and just go on a downward spiral when something horrible hits you personally or band-wise or anything. But we've been able to channel these negatives into a positive and it's been amazing. That's one of the reasons I'm so proud of my dudes.

[talks with someone else] Hello. Thank you very much.

[back on the phone] Just got a box. FedEx just came around. We had a 12-inch picture disc released today and I just got my copy.

JG: For "Divinations"?

TS: Yeah, I was talking to our management last night and I was like, "Yeah, I was told that Hot Topic just got these exclusive 12-inch picture discs." I'm a big fan of vinyl and even a bigger fan of picture discs. My office here at home is lined with all my favorite picture discs - Frank Zappa, Hendrix, Metallica, Maiden -- so, my office collection is about to get a little bigger.

JG: Is this the first picture disc you guys have done?

TS: No, the Leviathan record was pressed on picture disc and that was really beautiful. We did a "Wolf is Loose" 12-inch single picture disc off the Blood Mountain record and we've done two 7-inch vinyl picture discs. So, I guess this will be the 5th picture disc, the third 12-inch, but, the 5th overall.

JG: I wanna talk about the art here a little bit. I'm totally into the art on the new record. Can you tell me a bit about who did it and what the idea was? Obviously, it's got this old Russian thing but it also kind of looks like Tron.

TS: We worked with artist Paul Romano, who's worked on all five of our records. He not only knows us well as individuals, but he also gets our music and understands our visions when we share them with him. So, for this record, months ago, we basically told him the outline, let him hear all of our rough demos so he can get an idea of the music, sent him all of our lyrics, and kind of told him the stories and imageries we felt behind each song and the story over all and he would just say, "Got it!" We can just toss out ideas to him, like, "Ok, time travel. Too close to the sun. Rip through a wormhole. Tsarist Russia. Atlas bears," and he's just like, "Ok...ok, ok." Couple of weeks later we start to see sketches and we'll say, "Ok, this particular one is great. Maybe this one we can add so and so," back and forth collaboration until the end result is totally done. So, Paul Romano has been with us since day one and he did all the art for this record as well.

But, as far as the cover goes, basically they're two spirit guides from a group called "Khlysty," that is a Russian Orthodox sect from the early 1900's that Rasputin was rumored to be a part of. They believe that, while on earth, you sin as much as possible to tap in and connect with the Holy Spirit. It's a very interesting and bizarre concept.

You know Rasputin was a drinker and womanizer, and had these god-like powers that eventually led him to befriend the Tsarina and heal the Tsarina's son of hemophilia, which ultimately led to his assassination. This whole story was fascinating to us. The green orb, that's the spirit orb, and through a divination the spirit realm places the boy's spirit in Rasputin's body. That's what that is representing. This boy is ripped through a hole in a wormhole, that's how he becomes outer space. He is experiencing astral-travel. The center of the record, that's representing the wormhole. The star formation of clouds going into the wormhole, that's representing the five elements. At the bottom there, representing the strength of Russia, that's an Atlas bear. The background deals with time travel, the euphoria, the psychedelia that can come along with these experiences.

The inside of the record, we've got, representing the first song "Oblivion," we have an animated sun. The start of our story is when this paraplegic boy wants to experience more of the world and he cannot move so he has an out of body experience and he experiments with astral travel. He ascends through the atmosphere, flies too close to the sun. The sun burns off his gold umbilical chord, which is keeping him connected to the material world. After the sun burns off his umbilical chord, he is now floating in space and he's lost in oblivion.

From there, he gets ripped through a wormhole and is shot out into the spirit realm. Then the second track, "Divinations," is when the spirit realm decides to help the boy return to his body because he's not dead and he's just, merely, lost from space travel. They place him in this group of divination of being held by the Khlysty's in early 1900's Siberian Russia.

JG: I assume you don't have it in your hand, you're remembering all this.

TS: Yeah, it comes out two weeks from today, which is exciting. I imagine we'll be getting our copies...they went to press like a month ago. We'll be getting our final copies any day now. So, I've just seen the art that's been sent over to approve. I haven't physically held it.

There's a lot more shit going on in there too man. That's a start.

JG: Sounds like it takes you more time to go through the art then listen to the record.

TS: Oh yeah man. We turned our record into the label in September and it's not gonna see light until the end of March, so, that's like a six month wait. We went back and forth and created a special edition CD, a standard CD. We created gatefold vinyl, special edition packaging vinyl. We also created a tunnel book that comes with the special edition packaging of the CD itself. It took us a long time to create that.

So, basically, the collaboration of artwork and the time it takes to create it and process it and print it is why the record is coming out in March. Which doesn't matter to us, because we want the art to be correct -- once it hits the shelves, it's out forever. So, we'd rather wait a little longer and have it done right, instead of rushing it and wishing we could go back and change some things.

It's all good. I just can't wait till I get to hold it. I just want to touch and feel. I want that tangible product in my hand.

JG: Which is rarer and rarer these days. Is it hard getting labels to do this kind of elaborate packaging?

TS: Well, the art of the album is very important to us and we put a lot of time and energy into everything; not only our songs, but our lyrics and our arrangements of songs, our artwork, our packaging, our videos. We don't like to slap things together. We spend a lot of energy and take a lot of pride in the whole package. You know the whole art of the album, it's very much alive in Mastodon's world.

JG: Can you think of a record maybe recently, or going back to when you were just a music fan, that you first were attracted to because of the art? Even before you knew the band or before you knew the music.

TS: Well, all four of us growing up were just fascinated and we would just immerse ourselves, hopping on the 12-inch record, checking out the front and backside artwork, reading the lyrics, and just trying to absorb everything that the album had to offer. We grew up in that era and that's what we don't want to lose touch with. Not only is the art of the album important to us, but we're also trying to keep that alive, keep a bit of that alive in this world.

But, uh, good question. Any Pink Floyd album I was blown away by, any Iron Maiden records. I don't know man, probably half of the records in my collection made me feel that way.

JG: You guys have a really diverse audience, in that you go on tour with Slayer, in Europe, and then to All Tomorrow's Parties. Do you see the difference when you're out there doing the different shows?

TS: Yeah, I think we've always aspired to be a multi-dimensional type band. I think because of the chemistry the four of us have brought together, the influences that we have, from bluegrass to jazz to prog-rock to heavy metal to punk and everything under the sun, is subtly in our souls and therefore it's gonna come out in some form or fashion with our music. I think that collectively as a unit, we can do a tour with Queens of the Stone Age and we go on tour with Slayer, and then, we go on tour with a rock band like Clutch, and then, we go on tour with a crazy fuckin' awesome band like Converge, and then, we'll go over and do a week with The Melvins, and then, this summer we're gonna go do two months with Metallica.

We just appreciate the diversity. We've exhausted ourselves on heavy metal tours. We've done seven tours with Slayer, and they've been wonderful, but, we've kind of exhausted ourselves on that. So, it's refreshing and nice to be able to go out and do shows with the Foo Fighters...just not remaining like a one-dimensional band. We're very fortunate that that's kind of worked out for us, but we also realize that it's very important to us. Last year we did a six-week tour with Against Me and that was very different for us. That brought together two different worlds, but, that was refreshing to do.

JG: Is it at all daunting to be going out with such a huge band like Metallica?

TS: Yes, it's amazing. We did two weeks with them across Europe in summer of '07 and then when we got this phone call a couple of months ago for these two months across Europe and two shows in Japan, this summer, it was just like...it's just so cool and it's kind of hard to compute properly. It just sounds like another dream world. But, that will become a reality when we join them on June 14th, in Helsinki.

JG: Do you watch the band play when you guys are on tour?

TS: Oh yeah! In '06 we did 40-something shows across Europe with Tool. I watched them every fucking night. This past tour with Slayer, this is our seventh run with them. I watched some or all of their show every single night. We did six weeks with Maiden two years ago, which was a dream come true. I watched them, of course, every single night. You know, bands like that, that just perform, that do what they do better than anyone else, it's just so fascinating to just witness it over and over. It doesn't get old to me.

JG: If you guys had to chose at this point, who would you want to tour with that you haven't already?

TS: We need to do some shows with Priest. We were able to do that Maiden thing. Were able to do the Black Sabbath. We were able to do Tool, Slayer, Metallica. Of the big hitters, we need to do Priest or some kind of festival where we can cross paths with AC/DC, at least once.

JG: You guys are gonna be doing some shows where you play the entire album.

TS: Yeah, we plan on playing our record in its entirety.

JG: What inspired that?

TS: When we listened back to this record a few months back, it just had the most cohesive flow musically than any of our previous records. We just feel that the entirety of this record, the over all record, is stronger than the sum of its parts. We feel like this hits hardest and is most effective when it's listened to in its entirety, so, we want to perform it that way.

Before, we've talked about doing a record from start to finish and we felt that this was the one we need to perform from start to finish. It just was very apparent to us.

JG: I never understood why most bands don't do it. A lot of times you'll see a band, and it feels weird not hearing the songs in the order you know. Why not just do them in the order?

This record was produced by Brendan O'Brien, who you met through Max Weinberg of the E Street Band. How do you guys know Max?

TS: We know Max. His son, Jay Weinberg, is a great drummer and a super music fan and he's been coming to every show we've played in New York for the past, like, five years. Max and Jay would come to all the shows together. So, we met Max several times at our shows in New York and then we played the Conan O'Brien show a couple of years ago and Max is Conan's drummer. So, we hung our for the weekend with him there and then we were home last year and earlier this year and Bruce Springsteen and The E Street Band came through Atlanta. We went to the show and we went back to say hello to Max and had a brief meeting with Bruce and our drummer, Brann, asked Bruce, "Hey man, how do you feel about working with Brendan O'Brien?" cause he had done his previous two records. "Any pointers or any thoughts?" Bruce turned to Brann and said, "Brendan is the only man that I trust with my music right now."

So, that was pretty much the highest recommendation we could have received and we thought, well, "Hey, you're The Boss." So, that's what we're doing. We got the O.K. right from Bruce's mouth, so...

JG: I was just reading that there might actually be a situation, cause Bruce wants to stay on tour this year, and Max has commitments with Conan and they're trying to figure if they're gonna have to go out with another drummer. Which...it's hard to imagine it.

TS: Yeah, we'll see what happens. But, I understand. The Conan gig is a big time show and a huge commitment. So, I don't know how that's going to pan out.

JG: I was looking at "Divinations" on the Amazon page, and in the "People Who Bought This Also Bought" section it listed a couple of your records, a couple of rock metal records, and John Coltrane's My Favorite Things album.

TS: Awesome. We love classical music, we love jazz. If possible, we like to have our brand of heavy rock have our classical music-type movements within them. It's just beautiful songwriting, so, if we can tap into anything relative to that jazz time frame, or the 1700's classical music that was being created...Austria just blossomed a shit ton of amazing classical composers. If we can incorporate any type of style from them into our music, all the better. Only makes music more interesting, more beautiful, flowing, and these movements just have this enormous amount of life and breadth into them.

JG: People tend to not make the connection between the type of music you guys play and jazz or classical. When in reality, the amount of practice you have to do, and really learning your instrument...Do still practice?

TS: Yeah, I mean I've always just jammed with dudes in my band. That's all I've really ever done. We get together four or five days a week. Like, for the next four weeks we rehearse four or five days a week, between four or five days a week, getting ready for this tour, two hours a day or so. You gotta keep up with your chops.

Twenty years ago today, the Exxon Valdez oil tanker ran aground in Alaska's Prince Williams Sound. Two decades on, despite reporting profits of $45.2 billion in 2008, the oil company responsible, Exxon Mobil, is only just beginning to make good on the court-mandated (and vastly reduced) $507.5 million... more

Twenty years ago today, the Exxon Valdez oil tanker ran aground in Alaska's Prince Williams Sound. Two decades on, despite reporting profits of $45.2 billion in 2008, the oil company responsible, Exxon Mobil, is only just beginning to make good on the court-mandated (and vastly reduced) $507.5 million settlement due to the Natives and local fisherman whose lives were devastated by the resulting oil spill.

Fearing the effects such an incident might cause, the fishermen and local communities fought for years to prevent the construction of the oil pipeline that feeds the hungry tankers at the Port of Valdez. Experts had deemed the enclosed geography of the Prince William Sound, in which the port lies, particularly unforgiving should a spill occur, and the courts were responsive to their arguments, issuing an injunction to stop the pipeline in its tracks. When the Supreme Court declined to hear Big Oil's appeal, pressure was put on the government who then rewrote the law, amending the Mineral Leasing Act of 1920 and the National Environmental Policy Act to favor the interests of the oil companies.

The pipeline was built and environmental baseline studies the EPA would have otherwise insisted on were never carried out. This meant after the spill it was easy for Exxon to fudge the data on its effect on the delicate Prince Williams Sound eco-system. Meanwhile, with an eye on the nickel and dimes, Exxon systematically avoided and ignored the safety regulations and precautions that were in play. When the "accident" occurred, the tanker was sailing out of the Port of Valdez in a channel intended exclusively for inbound traffic. The substitute-skipper at the helm of the vessel, which was carrying an estimated 53 million US gallons of oil when it ran aground, might have avoided obstacle (a well-charted reef) had its sonar been in operation. But, as investigative journalist and Exxon expert Greg Palast reported in yesterday's SG Newswire column, "the Exxon Valdez' Raycas radar system was turned off; turned off because it was busted and had been busted since its maiden voyage. Exxon didn't want to spend the cash to fix it. So the man at the helm, electronically blindfolded, drove it up onto the reef."

In this excerpt from Buzzflash's four part series on the Exxon Valdez disaster and its ongoing fallout, Meg White uncovers the ongoing human cost in the face of Exxon's record profits.



The captain of the Exxon Valdez, a man described in later court documents as a "relapsed alcoholic," was in his quarters when he should have been piloting the ship, and the men he assigned to take his place weren't properly rested. The ship obtained special permission to exit the Prince William Sound through the inbound shipping lane. The ship came too close to shore and was grounded on the Bligh Reef, a well-known obstacle in the area, just after midnight on March 24, 1989.

Immediately after the spill, delays and mishaps interfered with the clean-up. The fishermen and the townspeople of Cordova, Alaska, who relied on the waters for their very existence, were worried. But the president of Exxon assured them they would all be taken care of. Exxon President Dan Cornett even called the incident a blessing in disguise for Alaskans while addressing a crowd of Cordovans gathered in concern after the disaster:

The opposite turned out to be the case. For the past two decades, Exxon has dragged its corporate feet in court while Alaskans have struggled to cope with the after effects of the spill. Communities such as Cordova still report cases of post-traumatic stress syndrome, along with continuing increases in divorce, bankruptcy, and suicide rates.

Cordova, AK, a small fishing town on the coast of Prince Williams Sound was devastated by the Exxon-Valdez oil spill in March 1989. While environmental and social fallout persists, Cordova has not been able to get back on its financial feet, despite promises from Exxon to make the community whole again.

Cordova, with a population of just less than 2,500 according to the most recent census data available, was one of the most hard hit when 11 million gallons of oil spread along the Alaskan coast. It was the worst oil spill in U.S. history. Life has been especially tough on the fishermen of Cordova.

John Platt is a third-generation Alaska fisherman. He's incensed by the way Exxon and the government have treated him. "We fought tooth and nail not to have the pipeline in there," Platt said. "And here we are, 38 years later and what we feared would happen happened and nobody seems to give a damn."

Though appellate courts have consistently reaffirmed the need for compensation for damages in the case, Supreme Court rulings whittled down the legally permissible amount of the award.

The original amount of punitive damages to be paid to the fishermen was $5 billion. That amount was reduced to 4 billion, raised back up to $4.5 billion, then cut to $2.5 billion, then further reduced to $507 million. A Supreme Court ruling is expected soon on whether Exxon should pay interest on this payment after 20 years of waiting.

In a recent interview with In These Times, Cordova fisherwoman and marine biologist Riki Ott addressed the injustice of the Exxon settlement being whittled down:

Meanwhile, the fishermen of Cordova are worried about what that ultimate payment might mean. Of the original 32,000 plaintiffs against Exxon, 8,000 have liens on their settlements, meaning most if not all of the money Exxon owes them will go straight to the government. But the kicker is this: They'll still have to pay thousands in taxes on the supposed "windfall."

Commercial fishing in Alaska requires a great deal of initial investment. Not only will boats and equipment set you back tens of thousands of dollars, but also the fishing permits are expensive as well. The value of the permits depends upon the productive output of the Sound, so when fish levels crash, so do the value of the permits.

Platt took out a loan for $235,000 to get his permits, using the value of one paid-off permit and the other two purchased on credit to secure the loan. But when the value of his permits for fishing both herring and salmon plummeted after the oil spill, the Alaska Division of Investment found him to be "under-collateralized."

On top of that, there weren't any fish to catch, so his income has fallen precipitously. He said there are days where "had I left the boat tied up, I would have been better off." His salmon permit does pay off some years, but the herring catch is another story.

"We haven't had a herring season in 15 of the last 17 years," Platt said. Salmon has been a more stable population, but prices have crashed. In 1988, Platt said he was paid around $1 a pound for salmon, but the ten-year average between 1992 and 2002 was 11 cents a pound.

With such a volatile income stream, paying off his debt has been difficult for Platt. Even though he's paid about $130,000 on the loan, the amount he owes has roughly doubled from that original $235,000. The money he expects to get from Exxon won't even pay off his debt in full, and he'll have to pay taxes on the damages as well.

Platt hired a bankruptcy lawyer to create a payment plan with the state. He had to sell his salmon seine boat "for pennies on the dollar" and give all the proceeds to the state.

Platt paid off both his fishing boats thanks to money he was paid to help clean up after the spill. Paying off those debts seemed like a prudent move at the time, but Platt thinks of other ways he could have used the money to his advantage.

"If I just would've invested it all in Exxon stock, I would've been fine," Platt laughed.

Alaska House Bill 96, sponsored by Rep. Bill Thomas (R-Haines), would forgive the interest owed on loans that are secured by liens on money from Exxon Valdez damages claims. Platt tried to be upbeat about the bill's prospects, but this is looking like another disappointment. He was told by a state legislative aide that the bill is good as dead due to legal issues such as equal protection.

Exxon's bid to get out of paying interest on the $507 million might have more of a chance than the fishermen's. Not that Exxon is in financial dire straits. At the end of January 2009, Exxon reported that it once again broke its own astonishing profit records. Last year, the company earned profits of $40.61 billion, topping its 2006 record. The $507 million they are estimated to be required to pay out in damages is a little more than 1 percent of the company's profit last year.

While Exxon's profits don't seem to be much endangered, there are signs that fishing the Prince Williams Sound will continue to be difficult. While salmon has fluctuated in the past 20 years, the herring season has been canceled by the state almost every year since the spill, due to unsustainable population numbers. Not only have their numbers been down, but also the herring that do show up to spawn arrive covered in lesions, bleeding internally and swimming erratically.

Scientists hesitate to equate the disease, called viral hemorrhagic septicemia virus (VHSV), directly with the Exxon Valdez disaster, but for Platt, it was "definitely a smoking gun." Showing up for the first time in Alaskan herring populations after the oil spill, VHSV persists today, and is one of the reasons the state has said it will once again cancel the entire herring season in 2009.

Still, thanks to a "halfway decent season" using his remaining salmon boat, Platt said he was able to help his two boys out a little this year. But still, he describes the situation as precarious. He's already sold his house and he's trying to avoid bankruptcy. It's a story you hear all the time in this tough financial environment, but Platt and the rest of Cordova have been living like this for 20 years, with no end in sight.

***

A major contributor to the record-breaking nature of the disaster was the shoddy job Exxon did in removing the oil in the first place. There were significant initial delays and confusion over what methods should be used in the clean up.

The problem was attitudinal as well. Exxon perceived that it had a huge public relations disaster on its hands, not an ecological one. Instead of listening to experts on oil pollution clean up methods, Exxon sent workers to beaches to blast the area with 140-degree water. The water merely pushed the oil out of sight, while effectively boiling the plant and animal life that is thought to aid clean up.

The now-defunct U.S. Office of Technology Assessment estimated that initial clean up efforts had only removed three to four percent of the oil spilled. The huge deposits of oil remaining underground have been described by one government scientist as "land mines that will cause chronic harm to successive generations" of fauna in Alaska.

Exxon has produced several studies claiming there are no environmental effects from the spill, which have been denounced by scientists of virtually every stripe.

The tamping down of information began immediately after the spill on March 24, 1989. Fishermen such as John Platt were paid by Exxon to help in the clean up efforts, but before they were hired they had to sign a nondisclosure agreement.

"I could not say or do anything that would be detrimental to Exxon," Platt recalled. "In other words, it was hush money."

Platt said he didn't talk to anyone at the time about the clean up process, for fear of losing the only job he could be sure of in that moment. He said he knew one man who did lose his temporary clean up job because he talked to the press.

The story of the Exxon Valdez oil spill was a complex and unprecedented one, and reporters who flocked to Alaska to cover the story for far away national outlets were easily confused. Riki Ott, an Alaskan marine biologist and fisherwoman, was called in at the scene and saw firsthand how Exxon whitewashed the story for the media and the American public. She documents in her 2008 book, Not One Drop, the lies Exxon told about everything from the amount of oil spilled to the success of clean up efforts.

But the lies didn't stop in 1989. Exxon continually brought its own scientists to conduct studies on Prince William Sound, with their most recent, undated "report" appearing to be from 2005. The company's scientists repeatedly reported no long-term damage, despite the fact that everyone else -- from government to private to nonprofit experts -- disagreed with their assertions.

The company caused untold death and destruction, and denied responsibility at every turn. Even their failed clean up efforts ended in misery. Clean up workers are still sick from the dangerous chemicals Exxon used to burnish its image (the efforts failed to actually restore Prince William Sound, but succeeded in forcing the oil and toxic materials underground, where the public couldn't see it). Some workers are suffering from respiratory and neurological disorders to this day. Others have died from restoration-related illnesses.

Still, the story never seems to stick. Exxon is still the world's largest publicly-traded international oil company and continues to make record profits year after year. Platt calls Exxon "the Teflon corporation," and is frustrated by the amount of influence the company exudes.

"It's a sad, sad comment" on society, Platt said. "[Exxon is] basically setting policy, molding our judicial system -- I don't know. It's almost gotten to the point -- it makes me scratch my head -- they as a corporation have more rights than that of the individual."

Exxon found that the disinformation campaign worked so well in the Prince William Sound that there was no reason not to launch others. The Union of Concerned Scientists released a study in 2007 that found Exxon had spent almost $16 million over a seven-year period funding pseudo-scientific groups to disseminate false information challenging the existence and cause of global warming.

"When one looks closely, Exxon Mobil's underhanded strategy is as clear and indisputable as the scientific research it's meant to discredit," said Seth Shulman, an investigative journalist who wrote the report. "The paper trail shows that, to serve its corporate interests, Exxon Mobil has built a vast echo chamber of seemingly independent groups with the express purpose of spreading disinformation about global warming."

Exxon's funding of "trinket tanks" and pseudo scientists goes full-circle when the information they generate is used by politicians to defend policies that favor oil companies. Ever wonder where Sarah Palin got that junk science about polar bears? You guessed it: Exxon. And what is a major barrier to expanding Arctic oil exploration? Endangered species such as the polar bear.

An important point for lawmakers to realize here is the strong possibility of guilt by association. As Dune Lankard, a fisherman, Alaska Native and conservationist from Prince William Sound put it after the Exxon settlement was further reduced last year: "From here on out we will never ever trust the oil industry, government or the courts."


Thanks to Buzzflash's editor Mark Karlin and senior journalist Meg White for allowing us to reprint this article. The full text can be found on the links below:

Part 1; Part 2; Part 3; Part 4.

Occasionally I need to step out of the world of politics to address something even more fucked up than Washington. This week is one of those times. The final episode of Battlestar Galactica aired on Friday and it was like having explosive diarrhea shoot out of my television. After four years of enjoying... more

Occasionally I need to step out of the world of politics to address something even more fucked up than Washington. This week is one of those times. The final episode of Battlestar Galactica aired on Friday and it was like having explosive diarrhea shoot out of my television. After four years of enjoying one of the best television shows on television, it was a massive let down, a pathetic end to a great show, a lazy finale with a final two minutes that should have made any fan cringe with embarrassment. Other than that, it was great.

Battlestar Galactica excelled at capturing the reality of politics in space, much like the way The Muppet Show perfectly created the essence of what it would be like for pigs to be in space. Not that I know what politics in space is like, but BSG’s different factions behaved in exactly the way one would expect people to when confronted by a horrible enemy -- and each other. They left behind a world with an economic and political system much like ours and were immediately thrust into survival mode. The show’s creators built a world in which the leaders attempted to keep the last humans alive while still maintaining some of what they left behind. It was very well done.

It had a realistic feel to it because the events paralleled what America was going through with 9/11, the Iraq War, Bush’s attack on civil rights, suicide bombings, torture and just about anything else you could think of. It wasn’t the type of popular science fiction we’d been subjected to recently. The humans were very good and very bad. There was no fairy tale world of Star Trek or the black and white good vs. evil battle of Star Wars. It was gritty and the heroes did some pretty awful shit –- because the show explored the complexity of people. Some people were all for raping Cylons, others not so much. That seems pretty dead on (I am against Cylon rape).

Which is why is was so disappointing to see the show turn into a giant pile of ass in its final episode.

There were so many gaping holes and carelessly tossed away plotlines in the finale it was sickening. I will now assume you watched this turd and get down to it.

I’m going to avoid the first hour of the repeated shocking conveniences that occurred during the battle, but they were amazingly weak. Thankfully, the creators set up the show under the umbrella of “It’s all God’s will,” so they could dump a turd on my screen and then say, well, “That’s what God wanted.” Um, no. Fuck your Dean Stockwell blowing his brains out and your dead person launching a nuke and the fact that “Opera House” didn’t actually mean anything. Just because its God's will, doesn't mean it has to be lazy and stupid.

Now let me get to the super bad character choices. Guyas Baltar was a character that at times was hard to watch. The actor’s constant teary-eyed performances put Jim Carey’s “I want an Oscar” shit to shame, but I loved that he was becoming a religious leader. He had a cult and it grew larger and larger. It was dangerous to the political world the show had created and a lot of time was spent on the storyline over the last season, which would make one think the new religion would play significantly in the finale. Nope. In the second to last episode, we learned that Guyus now had the largest following in the entire fleet. Pretty complex situation. Wonder where that’s going to go? Oh, how about, he just walks out the fucking door. Yeah, after two seasons of build up, the new Joseph Smith said, “Nice knowing you” to his cult and, in two minutes, decided to show some courage.

Retarded, totally unjustified and a complete cop out. Crazy lazy writing. Absolute shit.

Kara Thrice? Poof. Gone. Quite simply, not handled well after all the build up. See Dead Stockwell blowing his brains out above and Baltar walking away from his cult. It’s just an end and not much more.

I actually could have handled those really, really bad resolutions. But then they took a giant turd on the political reality of the show, which was its backbone. So, they find Earth II Electric Boogaloo and they decide to leave technology behind, not build cities and spread out across the planet. How do they arrive at this decision? Well, father and son Adama take a walk in a field and decide that’s the way to go.

And that’s it.

Because after watching a show that, season after season, focused on the political differences between people, the choices they made and their reaction to ever changing circumstances, the most profound decision ever to be made by these 30 some odd thousand humans, boiled down to two guys walking near a lake and having a convo. Dudes just decided for everybody. Because they talked it out, man. Actually, they didn't talk it out. One of them just said it. And the other basically went, "Sweet."

Nobody said a peep. It was a just great idea. EVERYBODY was on board with this decision, after seasons of watching different political factions scream at each other, ships trying to mutiny, an attempted revolution, contested elections and on and on. It just came down to two dudes believing this was the way to go. They took everything the show had been about and with one conversation, wiped it clean. All gone. No mas. It was really the only way to cram the Lucy idea and the creation of our society into the Hera story. But it wasn’t handled well, and in doing so they took a shit on everything the show had been. And when you have that much time to wrap up an excellent series, that is an unacceptable conclusion.

So, booooooo.

You want to see how to wrap up a series? Go watch the final Star Trek: The Next Generation.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

Matt Taibbi has a new article on the economic crisis and the end of America in Rolling Stone today. You may have seen Matt on Real Time with Bill Maher or read some of his coverage of Bush or the 2008 elections the last few years. His articles in Rolling Stone have been, in my opinion, the best writing... more

Matt Taibbi has a new article on the economic crisis and the end of America in Rolling Stone today. You may have seen Matt on Real Time with Bill Maher or read some of his coverage of Bush or the 2008 elections the last few years. His articles in Rolling Stone have been, in my opinion, the best writing in the mostly horrible mag since the late, great doctor's work.

(image) "Gail, Please! Stick your hand in it!" The petite Eskimo-Chugach woman gave me that you-dumb-ass-white-boy look. "Gail, Gail. STICK YOUR GODDAMN HAND IN IT!" She stuck it in, under the gravel of the beach at Sleepy Bay, her village's fishing ground. Gail's hand... more

"Gail, Please! Stick your hand in it!"

The petite Eskimo-Chugach woman gave me that you-dumb-ass-white-boy look.

"Gail, Gail. STICK YOUR GODDAMN HAND IN IT!"

She stuck it in, under the gravel of the beach at Sleepy Bay, her village's fishing ground. Gail's hand came up dripping with black, sickening goo. It could make you vomit. Oil from the Exxon Valdez.

It was already two years after the spill and Exxon had crowed that Mother Nature had happily cleaned up their stinking oil mess for them. It was a lie. But the media wouldn't question the bald-faced bullshit. And who the hell was going to investigate Exxon's claim way out in some godforsaken Native village in the Prince William Sound?

So I convinced the Natives to fly the lazy-ass reporters out to Sleepy Bay on rented float planes to see the oil that Exxon said wasn't there.

The reporters looked, but didn't see it, because it was three inches under their feet, under the shingle rock of the icy beach. Gail pulled out her hand and now the whole place smelled like a gas station. The network crews wanted to puke. And now, with their eyes open, they saw the oil, the vile feces-colored smear across the glaciated ridge faces, the poisonous "bathtub ring" that ran for miles and miles at the high tide level.

And it's still there. Less for sure. But twenty years later. IT'S STILL THERE, GODDAMNIT. And I want YOU, dear reader, to stick your hand in it. I want YOU, President Obama, to stick your hand in it before you blithely fulfill your Palin-esque campaign promise for a little more offshore drilling.

***

Tuesday marks the 20th Anniversary of the Exxon Valdez grounding and the smearing of 1,200 miles of Alaska's coastline with its oil.

It also marks the 20th Anniversary of a lie. Lots of lies: catalogued in a four-volume investigation of the disaster; four volumes you'll never see. I wrote that report, with my team of investigators working with the Natives preparing fraud and racketeering charges against Exxon. You'll never see the report because Exxon lawyers threatened the Natives, "Mention the f-word [fraud] and you'll never get a dime" of compensation to clean up the villages. The Natives agreed to drop the fraud charge -- and Exxon stiffed them on the money. You're surprised, right?

***

Doubtless, for the 20th Anniversary of the Great Spill, the media will schlep out that old story that the tanker ran aground because its captain was drunk at the wheel. Bullshit.

Yes, the captain was "three sheets to the wind" -- but sleeping it off below-decks. The ship was in the hands of the third mate who was driving blind. That is, the Exxon Valdez' Raycas radar system was turned off; turned off because it was busted and had been busted since its maiden voyage. Exxon didn't want to spend the cash to fix it. So the man at the helm, electronically blindfolded, drove it up onto the reef.

So why the story of the drunken skipper? Because it lets Exxon off the hook: Calling it a case of "drunk driving" turns the disaster into a case of human error, not corporate penny-pinching greed.

Indeed, the "human error" tale was the hook used by the Bush-stacked Supreme Court to slash the punitive damages awarded against Exxon by 90%, from $5 billion, to half a billion for 30,000 Natives and fishermen. Chief Justice John Roberts erased almost all of the payment due with the la-dee-dah comment, "What more can a corporation do?"

Well, here's what they could have done: Besides fix the radar, Exxon could have set out equipment to contain the spill. Containing a spill is actually quite simple. Stick a rubber skirt around the oil slick and suck it back up. The law requires it and Exxon promised it.

So, when the tanker hit, where was the rubber skirt and where was the sucker? Answer: The rubber skirt, called "boom" -- was a fiction. Exxon promised to have it sitting right there near the Native village at Bligh Reef. The oil company fulfilled that promised the cheap way: they lied.

And the lie was engineered at the very top. After the spill, we got our hands on a series of memos describing a secret meeting of chief executives of Exxon and its oil company partners, including ARCO, a unit of British Petroleum. In a meeting of these oil chieftains held in April 1988, ten months before the spill, Exxon rejected a plea from T.L. Polasek, the Vice-President of its Alaska shipping operations, to provide the oil spill containment equipment required by law. Polasek warned the CEOs it was "not possible" to contain a spill in the mid-Sound without the emergency set-up.

Exxon angrily vetoed ARCO's suggestion that the oil companies supply the rubber skirts and other materiel that would have prevented the spill from spreading, virtually eliminating the spill's damage.

Regulations state that no tanker may leave the Alaska port of Valdez without the "sucker" equipment, called a "containment barge," at the ready. Exxon signed off on the barge's readiness. But, that night twenty years ago, the barge was in dry-dock with its pumps locked up under arctic ice. By the time it arrived at the tanker, half a day after the spill, the oil was well along its thousand-mile killing path.

Natives watched as the now-unstoppable oil overwhelmed their islands. Eyak Native elder Henry Makarka saw an otter rip out its own eyes burning from oil residue. Henry, pointing down a waterside dead-zone, told me, in a mix of Alutiiq and English, "If I had a machine gun, I'd shoot every one of those white sons-of-bitches."

***

Exxon promised -- promised -- to pay the Natives and other fisherman for all their losses. The Chief of the Natives at Nanwalek lost his boat to bankruptcy. His village, like other villages, Native and non-Native, decayed into alcoholism. The Mayor of fishing port Cordova killed himself, citing Exxon in his suicide note.

On the island village of Chenega, Gail Evanoff's uncle Paul Kompkoff was hungry. Until the spill, he had lived on seal meat, razor clams and salmon Chenegans would catch, and on deer they hunted. The clams and salmon were declared deadly and the deer, not able to read the government warning signs, ate the poisoned vegetation and died.

The President of Exxon, Lee Raymond, helicoptered into Chenega for a photo op. He promised to compensate the Natives and all fishermen for their losses, and Exxon would thoroughly clean the beaches.

Uncle Paul told the Exxon chief of his hunger. The oil company, sensing PR disaster, shipped in seal meat to the isolated village. The cans were marked, "NOT FIT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION." Uncle Paul said, "Zoo food."

Paul didn't want a seal in a can. He wanted a boat to go fishing, to bring the village back to life.

Two years after the spill, Otto Harrison, General Manager of Exxon USA, told Evanoff and me to forget about a fishing boat for Uncle Paul. Exxon was immortal and Natives were not. The company would litigate for 20 years.

They did. Only now, two decades on, Exxon has finally begun its payout of the court award -- but only ten cents on the dollar. And Uncle Paul's boat? No matter. Paul's dead. So are a third of the fishermen owed the money.

***

Lee Raymond, President of Exxon at the time of the spill -- and its President when the company made the secret decision to do without oil spill equipment, retired in April 2006. The company awarded him a $400 million retirement bonus, more than double the bonuses received by all AIG executives combined.

***

Gail's oily hand never made it to national television. The networks were distracted with another oil story.

After sailing back to Chenega from Sleepy Bay, I sat with Uncle Paul, watching the smart bombs explode over Baghdad. Gulf War I had begun.

Uncle Paul was silent a long time. The generals on CNN pointed to the burning oil fields near Basra. Paul said, "I guess were all some kind of Native now."



Greg Palast investigated fraud and racketeering claims for the Chugach Natives of Alaska. Now a journalist whose work appears on BBC Television Newsnight, Palast is the author of the New York Times bestselling books The Best Democracy Money Can Buy and Armed Madhouse. Visit GregPalast.com for more.

Twitter update 1 hour ago. I wonder if any of my "followers" (does anyone find the term followers as creepy as I do?) will now check out Joe's Pizza in Santa Monica (and their almost to the tee thin crust NY style pizza). It's as close as you're going to get to such holy NYC... more

Twitter update 1 hour ago.

I wonder if any of my "followers" (does anyone find the term followers as creepy as I do?) will now check out Joe's Pizza in Santa Monica (and their almost to the tee thin crust NY style pizza). It's as close as you're going to get to such holy NYC Pizza institutions as Grimaldi's or Patsy's or Lombardi's or even Joe's NY location here on the West Coast. The mozzarella is fresh and the sauce is San Marzano sweet. I ate a whole fresh mozzarella pie the other night and four more slices cold the next day. Followers, I will not steer you wrong.

I've been reading about Joe's for a while now and have wanted to make the journey to Santa Monica but couldn't bring myself to get my lazy ass down there for pizza. How L.A. of me! Joe's is maybe six miles from my house but the idea of going to this strange exotic land known as Santa Monica is crazy! Do you need a passport to go there? Plus if I really want pizza I can just go to Mozza (different style, but still great pizza). Lucky for Santa Monica (and me) I started working at a studio there on the new Anthrax record and I'm right in the middle of all these heretofore mythical places that I could only dare to dream of visiting.

Joe's is one. The Counter is another. God damn I like The Counter. I like the whole process of going online to print a menu, building the burger, faxing it in, and then being rewarded with a sandwich. A really yummy sandwich whether it be beef, turkey, chicken or veggie. I've had them all, on buns and in bowls, with cranberries or old-school, I'm a burger building maniac. They claim there are 312,120+ combinations to be had so if I round up to 313,000 and eat there twice a day, I can try every combination in 428.7 years. Lucky for me I plan on being a vampire at some point (a vampire that eats burgers) so I'll be able to do this no worries. According to The Counter's website they are opening new franchises everywhere. I hope they aren't going to become the Starbuck's of burgers because I've got the next 428 years already planned out.

Last Tuesday was St. Patricks day so I did what every other black-blooded American did and found a place to drink Guinness. It's no secret that I'm a big fan of the black stuff. There was a group of us celebrating my lady Pearl signing her record deal and we wanted a place to go on St.Patrick's day that wouldn't be a sea of jerk-off frat boys and green puke. We ended up at the Chateau Marmont, which for my money is the best place in L.A. -- to stay or drink -- although it's usually filled with a whole different kind of douche.
The vibe of the room trumps the Hollywood douchebaggery for me though. Actually, sometimes the Hollywood idiocy adds to the occasion, like the time I threatened to take Lindsay Lohan's drinks after she got served after hours and I didn't. Wait, was I the idiot?? That's another story for another time.

The Chateau was slammed and the food took forever but it was all good as the Guinness kept coming. When my spaghetti bolognese showed up it was great. The pasta was cooked perfectly and the sauce had a perfect meat to sauce ratio and a slight kick (heat) on the end. I rolled (literally) out of there around 1:45 am, having gotten stuck with the bill as people kept showing up and leaving all night. Guinness makes me nice about that kind of stuff.

If you've got an occasion coming up, make a reservation at the Chateau for dinner. It's the sexiest place in town.

OK, back to work.

Cheers,

Scott

PS. I am having Joe's Pizza for dinner tonight.


www.anthrax.com
www.myspace.com/scottian
Facebook.com/pages/Scott-Ian/6026309977?ref=s
www.ultimatebet.com/scott-ian/?ubAffilID=73329
www.nonelouder.com
twitter.com/Scott_Ian



Scott Ian is SuicideGirls' monthly Food Coma columnist. Click HERE for more of his musing on sustenance and libations. He plays guitar for revolutionary metal band Anthrax and also for Pearl.

(image) Check back each month for the next exclusive installment of the poetry, pencil and ink series TG on SG from Tank Girl and her pen pals Alan Martin and Rufus Dayglo. Like The Rolling Stones, Tankie is getting remastered. The original Tank Girl series, as it originally appeared in Deadline magazine... more

Check back each month for the next exclusive installment of the poetry, pencil and ink series TG on SG from Tank Girl and her pen pals Alan Martin and Rufus Dayglo.

Like The Rolling Stones, Tankie is getting remastered. The original Tank Girl series, as it originally appeared in Deadline magazine (with all the nasty 90s colouring removed), is being released in two volumes. Rejoice, and purchase!


Member Info: TankGirl_TGonSG / Large Image Library / More TG on SG.