Good Asshole Fuckface morning to you! It’s the day our Lord Jesus Christ declared Asshole Fuckface Roundup day! You know, Asshole Fuckfacing is not something that happens all at once. It actually occurs over a period of time and builds, until it consumes you. That’s why we recommend you never... more

Good Asshole Fuckface morning to you! It’s the day our Lord Jesus Christ declared Asshole Fuckface Roundup day! You know, Asshole Fuckfacing is not something that happens all at once. It actually occurs over a period of time and builds, until it consumes you. That’s why we recommend you never start, not even recreationally on weekends. Asshole Fuckfacing is some dangerous shit and hard to control. One day someone says something horrible and the next thing they know, they are in a Target with their dick out covered in baby’s blood. So, watch yourself. This week, I am delivering unto you another collection of the worst people alive. So, put on your most moist proof car cover because this is going to be ugly.

First up, a repeat Asshole Fuckface offender.

It seems like just last week that Bobby Rush was in the Roundup because he compared the criticism of the appointment of Roland Burris to lynching. He actually did that before there was even any criticism, which as quite odd. But Bobby couldn’t stop there. Oh, hell no.

This week he was on the Hardball, and sweet Jesus did he fucking hardball.



What up, national embarrassment? Please keep talking, you totally do not appear to be insane.

You are a shocking and horrible Asshole Fuckface. Not only are you a Fuckface for pretending like the Burris criticism is about race, but you also just trivialized one of the ugliest periods in American history. You are throwing around the dog attacks in Alabama in order to guilt white politicians into accepting a rather lame politician into the Senate. It would be disgusting coming from a white man, but from a black man it’s almost beyond words.

Although, I do think racism is “as American as apple pie.”

Next up, some seriously bad father Asshole Fuckfacing.

Meet Danny Platt. He’s a 22-year-old man who lives in the still ruined city of New Orleans. Danny’s a father. Well, sort of. He was recently ordered to pay $4000 in child support, even though he actually doesn’t spend much time with the kid. That’s how the law works.

Well, that’s nice. They are finally connecting. Maybe that court order made him realize he should spend time with his son. Oh, wait, this is the Asshole Fuckface Roundup.

Oh, yeah. You say that like it was an accident. I mean, you only killed him because you thought it would get you out of paying child support. Four thousand whole dollars. Who hasn’t done that?

Oh, I’d say he’s worse that that. Maybe the worst Asshole Fuckface of all time. I'm not a big fan of the Death Penalty, but go right ahead.

Next up, some Democratic Asshole Fuckfacery.

Well, it didn’t take long for the Democrats to start acting like a bunch of children. Naturally, it was Dianne Feinstein who took the first jump into lake Asshole Fuckface. She is basically just a Republican who has a D next to her name.

Dianne is the chair the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence and she no likey Obama’s pick to head the CIA.

Actually, your position is best served by shutting the fuck up and keeping your problems with the new Democratic president in house, you corrupt demon.

Then came John “I’m from one of the worst families in the history of America” Rockefeller.

Now, you are probably saying, “Why all the hubbub?” They are just speaking their minds. No, they are not; they are pro-torture douchebags who are trying to cover their ass. Their oversight of Bush’s crimes was non-existent. They came down on the wrong side on Iraq, torture and warrantless wiretapping. They are the problem.

What is really disgusting about Rockefeller and Feinstein going public with their disagreement is that they spent eight years cheering every piece of shit appointee Bush made. OH, and they were both very pro-torture and domestic spying. And Panetta is very against torture and has been outspoken about it.

So, now that Obama is appointing someone who is strongly against torture, they throw a shit fit. Fuck them. They are criminals. Literally. Rockefeller, Feinstein and all the other Asshole Fuckfaces who supported the Bush torture regime are criminals.

Finally, some right wing Asshole Fuckfacery.

Why can’t Joe the Plumber just go back to the moron hole he crawled out of? The right wing won’t let this shockingly uniformed idiot just go away. This week it was announced Pajamas Media had hired Joe to be a journalist. What will he report on? Well, obviously one of the most complex situations in the world: The Israeli-Palestinian Battle.

Well, what this situation needs more than anything is an idiot’s take. I mean, Joe has such a strong grasp of the entire conflict. He's going to get a "real story out there." Because the media hasn't been doing what Joe the Plumber can. He's got an everyday common man thing going on that Israelis and Palestinians will relate to on a level journalists can't understand. Like when a dog sniffs another dog's ass in the park, it knows it's met one of its own.

You should jump in front of a missile, or something. I kid. You are actually everything that is wrong with Americans.

Holy fucking shit. How stupid can one man get? Yes, Joe, Christians don’t die. God protects them. Now run your ass into Gaza and see how that works out.



Let's just pray that Joe sees what war is actually all about and returns with deep, psychological scars that never heal.


Image by CCL courtesy of ronnie44052.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Greetings fellow head-bangers! Welcome to the first edition of Metal Asylum –– your one stop source for all things metal. I felt that the underground metal scene wasn't being represented enough here on SG, so I will do my best to be that voice. I started getting into metal when I was... more

Greetings fellow head-bangers! Welcome to the first edition of Metal Asylum –– your one stop source for all things metal. I felt that the underground metal scene wasn't being represented enough here on SG, so I will do my best to be that voice.

I started getting into metal when I was about 12-years old. At first it was the mainstream metal/rock bands you could find on MTV's Headbangers Ball (when they actually played videos –– ahhh those were the days). I got really into Tool (still one of my favorite bands), Pantera, Alice in Chains, Metallica, Megadeth, Black Sabbath, Ozzy etc. I guess you could say I was a late metal bloomer since I really didn't start listening to underground metal until I was around 17-years old (I'm currently 25).

I remember the day so clearly; it was a defining moment in my life. A friend played a CD of a band I'd never heard of before. What I didn't realize is that band would change my life forever. The band was Sweden's Opeth, the album was Morningrise. I was speechless. It was like nothing I'd ever heard before. It was what I'd been waiting for musically, but had just not realized it. The guitar riffs were so expeditious and melodic. The drums and double bass were fast and steady (in the heavy parts), and the vocals of singer Mikael Åkerfeldt, were powerful and haunting –– depending on what the music demanded of him. That was it for me; I was hooked! Metal was my drug of choice and I was a full-blown addict.


Above: Opeth performing "Advent" from the album Morningrise at the Inferno Festival in Norway.

After I first heard Opeth, I didn't start listening to the typical American death metal bands, I jumped straight into the whole Swedish melodic death metal scene -- bands like In Flames (old) and Dark Tranquility. Some of my other favorite bands at the time included Katatonia, Anathema, Agalloch, Arcturus, Borknagar, Amorphis, and Shape of Despair . Later on, I discovered the epicness that was Norwegian (and Swedish) black metal, with some of my favorite BM bands being: Emperor, Diabolical Masquerade, Old Man's Child, Dissection, Dimmu Borgir, (some) Immortal and Dark Funeral.

You'll notice that I didn't include Dark Throne (a band much lauded by black metal fans) in my list of personal faves. That's because I don't listen to them at all. Never have. I've heard a few songs off Transylvanian Hunger which is supposed to be their "masterpiece" but never understood what all the hype was about –– it's just noise in my honest opinion.

And that's what I intend to do with this monthly column; I intend to be completely honest. But please remember these are only my opinions –– please feel free to voice yours in the Comments section below or message me anytime. I'd be more than happy to hear your defense of Dark Throne and reasons why you think they're Satan's gift to man.

But first, a little more about where I'm coming from: When I first started getting into metal, I was living in California. I moved back to Chicago when I was 18 (where I was born and raised). With this new-found passion, and no one to share it with, all of my free time (and money) was spent at a small music store in the heart of the city solely dedicated to "underground" metal called Nightfall Records. The man that worked there, Tom, was nice enough to spend countless hours talking music with me, playing new bands and music for me to eagerly digest. This store and the music that was held in it helped me through a really rough and lonely time. About a year later, I had successfully rooted myself into the Chicago metal scene, which is actually pretty big and is very much death metal-based.

Eventually, one of my friends and his wife approached me to do the female vocals on their American folk metal project, Earthen, which was influenced by bands such as Agalloch and Woods of Ypres. It was the kind of project that never seemed to be complete, and the band always had a revolving-door membership. I experienced one of the best moments of my life with that band. We played our first live show at the Heathen Crusade II fest in St. Paul, Minnesota in January of 2007. I got to share the stage with some of my favorite bands, Manegarm, Skyforger, Bal-Sagoth, Máel Mórda, and many other amazing Viking/folk metal bands.

That brings me to the metal I am currently most into. About four years ago a friend turned me on to a folk black metal band called Moonsorrow from Finland. I got the same feeling that I did when I first had heard Opeth. Since then, Viking/Pagan/folk metal has been my alloy of choice, though I also love other forms of metal cut from a much wider sheet.


Above: Moonsorrow performing "Jumalten Kaupunki" from the album Kivenkantaja.

My point of this first article was to let you guys know where I came from and how I came into being a hardcore metalhead. I encourage you all to message me with topics and new bands you'd like me to include in my monthly metal round-up. I'd also like to hear all of your stories of how you got hooked on this crazy lifestyle (it's more than merely a genre of music) that we call "Heavy Metal."

Until next time,

Horns & Hails!!

Hollee
holly@suicidegirls.com

There's a few articles floating around this week that don't paint a pretty picture for the ongoing war in Afghanistan, weeks from a new President being sworn in who promised to shift the military's focus away from Iraq and to the war there. From The Associated Press: The end result of... more

There's a few articles floating around this week that don't paint a pretty picture for the ongoing war in Afghanistan, weeks from a new President being sworn in who promised to shift the military's focus away from Iraq and to the war there.

From The Associated Press:

Afghanistan is something of a forgotten war, compared to the causalities of the Iraq war, the causalities of Afghanistan have been relatively light, 561 members of the U.S. military have died. Of that number, 408 have been the victims of enemy action. However, over a quarter of all deaths came last year, there were a 151 deaths in 2008, marking the worst year for military deaths in the seven-year conflict.

Even less encouraging is the release of a new independent study showing that the U.S. had "unrealistic goals" in the Afghan conflict.

Without editorializing too much its not a major surprise that the Bush administration ran headlong into something without a cohesive plan, an exit strategy, or a well-articulated end goal. The report stresses something most of us have probably not really considered in these terms:

Which doesn't speak volumes for the two-term Bush Administration, and leaves quite a bit for President Obama to clean up.

It isn't just a matter of increasing violence, the tactics of the Taliban are changing as well, according to the Seattle Times:

Tactics are changing on the ground in Afghanistan, Admr. Michael Mullen, current Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff says:

None of which bodes particularly well for the incoming Obama Administration, and the ongoing conflict in Gaza isn't helping much either:

According to to the CIA World Fact Book Afghanistan has a population of about 34 million people, so hundreds of them protesting might not sound like a major issue, but if we're being at all realistic, we have to recognize that Israeli's actions and our continued support of them –– right or wrong –– are stoking a fire in the Muslim world and the eventual backlash could be a terrifying sight to see.

Worse still, it's long been a recognized problem that Al-Qaeda members have been slipping across the border into northern Pakistan, retreating to regroup and rearm before returning to Afghanistan to fight American forces. And the situation there has not been improving as Pakistan fires their national security adviser for arguing that Indian and Pakistan should have closer ties and for allegedly being too "pro-American."

In addition to Gen. Petraeus' comments regarding the ongoing battle he adds:

Tensions have risen considerably between India and Pakistan in the wake of the recent attacks in Mumbai. If conflict comes about, one wonders what effect it could have on Pakistan's border with Afghanistan as the U.S. prepares to step up its efforts there. Pakistan has already moved troops from its Afghan border to its Indian border.

The end result of all this is a more porous border between Afghanistan and Pakistan, while the population may begin to turn against U.S. forces and the insurgents change tactics to become more effective.

If that were not enough, there's also the big question of where all Afghanistan's heroin is going and how much all this is going to cost.

The future of Afghanistan looks bleak right now, and I offer this as news and not commentary since I have no answers, just a long, ugly list of observations and questions as to where we go from here.

This past summer –– Friday, June 13th to be specific –– SuicideGirls hopped a plane down to Austin, Texas to visit the set of Friday the 13th, the remake of the 1980 slasher classic that introduced the world to drowned-boy-turned-unkillable- ghoul Jason Voorhees. You can read about... more

This past summer –– Friday, June 13th to be specific –– SuicideGirls hopped a plane down to Austin, Texas to visit the set of Friday the 13th, the remake of the 1980 slasher classic that introduced the world to drowned-boy-turned-unkillable- ghoul Jason Voorhees. You can read about our night on the set right HERE, but the interviews conducted during that trip have been under studio-mandated lock and key -- until now. Here is the third in our series of five interviews with those responsible for bringing horror back to Friday the 13th and giving Jason Voorhees a new lease of life.

Jared Padalecki plays Sam Winchester, a paranormal investigator in the CW's cross-country spook-hunting series Supernatural. His propensity for attracting demons strikes again when he takes up residence as Camp Crystal Lake's new leading man (starring alongside Danielle Panabaker –– see interview). However, moving from the sublime (if you're a horror fan) to the ridiculous, Padalecki was recently seen on the small screen playing the young painter of light, who is beloved by mothers and grandmothers all over Middle America, in the "ABC Family Holiday Event" Thomas Kinkade's Home for Christmas. On more familiar ground with Friday the 13th (his previous credits include teen horror flicks House of Wax and Cry Wolf), Padalecki took time out from being chased by Voorhees on the penultimate night of filming to chat about his role.

Question: What can you tell us about your character?

Jared Padalecki: I play a character named Clay Miller, and my involvement in the movie is that when it starts out my sister has gone missing, so I go out to Camp Crystal Lake, not knowing the legends, not knowing what happened out there on Friday the 13th and that's when I run into a group of young guys and gals who are out there for a camping trip. You know, horror ensues.

Q: How familiar were you with the earlier films?

JP: I'd seen the first one and I've seen Freddy vs. Jason and I saw one of the other ones, I assume it's the second one, where he has the burlap sack, still? I wasn't super-familiar, I knew the story -- everybody knows the story. Everyone knows Jason Voorhees, whether you've seen one or ten. And everyone knows Friday the 13th, the legend behind that. It's funny, I got home from work last night at 6:30 and the hotel leaves your stereo on, like classical music, and it was in between songs, and the guy was like, "Here on blah blah blah, we have a long day of beautiful classical music in case you want to stay in and not go risk those Friday the 13th roads and the Friday the 13th traffic." This was literally as I walked in the door, and it was like, weird, man. I just turned the radio off and went to sleep. But yeah, I knew the legend and I knew Jason.

Q: What was your initial reaction to being pitched the project?

JP: I had seen Amityville, that Platinum Dunes (see Part 1 in our series) had redone and I had seen the Texas Chainsaw that Platinum Dunes and [director] Marcus [Nispel] had done, the original remake, and I had seen The Hitcher, I enjoyed them all, but I loved the Texas Chainsaw remake. Actually, when I did House of Wax, the director sat us down and we watched that movie as a cast. He was like, "This is a recent horror remake that was done really well, that I think is really good and I want you guys to watch it." And it was good. It's interesting, it tells a story visually -- it's hard to remake a classic and give an homage to the original, but still make it new and interesting for younger audiences. I found out about this script from my manager during the strike -- I was about to go and do some international press for Supernatural, a show that I'm doing on the CW, and I was literally about to fly out five days later and I hear, "Listen, there's this movie, a Friday the 13th remake," and I was like, "I don't want this, I know what that is." But [they said], "The director is in town and Brad Fuller, one of the producers, is in town and they want to meet with you...." And I was like, "Alright!"

So I read the script and I really enjoyed it. It was a first draft, that had been written before the writers went on strike and there were certain things that...that night at dinner I was like, "You know, I would wanna maybe do this," and they were like, "Listen, a lot of changes are gonna be made, but they can't be made right now because the writers are on strike, but we're gonna clean this up and clean that up." The outline was there and it was very exciting -- a lot of the kills were really cool and I really wanted to be a part of it and I was grateful that they wanted me to be part of it too. They were like, 'This is going to be a collaborative effort, everyone's input matters. Obviously we're the captains of the ship, but we respect the actors." I was like, "Count me in."

Q: What's your favorite kill in this movie?

JP: My favorite kill in the movie is the police officer who sort of comes to check up on us. We hear a knock and we know Jason is outside, we know someone is killing off the people in this group of friends I've hooked up with, and we hear a knock on the door and we're a little panicky, but we're like, "Why would this guy knock?" So we go to the door and it's a police officer and I start to let him in and as I'm letting him in, Danielle Panabaker's character, Jenna, sees Jason basically drop down from the roof and shove a fireplace poker through the policeman's eye, through the door -- it ends up right in front of me and then we take off. That's really the moment in the movie where everything has sort of come to a head and it explodes. It's like, man, everything is so fast-paced and so hectic and the audience is really going to be at the edge of their seats from that moment on. It's full-speed ahead for the rest of the movie.

Q: What's been your favorite part of the shoot?

JP: You know, it's been hectic hours. It's a horror movie and it's Friday the 13th so we're shooting a lot of exterior nights, but the camaraderie between the cast has been a real joy. I've worked on stuff before where the cast -- it's not like we didn't get along, but we didn't get along this well. So, meeting a bunch of new people and Derek is awesome -- he's such a kind, generous man and very hard-working and it's been fun to get to know him and Travis Van Winkle and Amanda Righetti and Danielle. I've been doing this a while, and I can say without a doubt that I'm gonna keep in touch with the people I met on this movie and that's nice to be able to say. Usually it's like summer camp -- see you later! -- but you don't call them. Here, I can't wait to hang out with them again whenever I'm in the same city.

Q: Do we get to see you topless in this movie?

JP: [laughs] Not yet! If there are re-shoots, who knows, they might try to yank off my shirt.

Q: We were wondering about the female cast, so equal treatment.

JP: It's absolutely fair to ask. That's also something I brought up with the writers and the producers and the writers and the director. I was like, "Listen, guys, I'm already on the CW, which is kind of a pretty-boy network, the last thing I want to do is do this movie with a lot of fans and just be like, 'Hey, here's me taking my shirt off,' and just be douche-baggy." Honestly, I just want Clay to just be a normal guy. I don't want him to be like, "Watch me fight Jason, I'm cool, I'm a ninja." I just wanted to be a guy trying to find his sister. It's not about how he looked and whether he worked out or whatever, so I steered clear of the topless scenes.

Q: For a character like this, do you feel the need to construct a backstory? Is that important to your process?

JP: It is. It's important to my process and the film. I always start the process of building a character by just reading the script over and over and over again, to where you can kind of hook into his motivations and his instincts and what's driving him, and just little things. You can be like, "Listen, earlier in the movie I'm saying this and now I'm saying this and it kind of contradicts -- can I change it up a little bit?" And they're like, "Yeah, of course, we didn't think about that." The backstory is important and usually you have a chance to talk with other characters, other actors in the movie about how we know each other, how we met each other. But really, the only character that I know in this movie is my sister, so all the people I spend the movie with, I meet them during the course of the movie, so it was nice to have that freedom. Who knows if it comes across, but just so I know, you know?

Q: You mentioned fighting Jason earlier. Do people actually fight Jason in this movie or are they mostly running from him?

JP: Mostly running. That's another thing, like not taking my shirt off, I wanted to make sure it wasn't like, "I'm a guy trying to find my sister and now I'm going mano y mano with Jason?" He's Jason Voorhees. It's basically that Jason is after us and we're fighting like cornered dogs, trying to defend ourselves. But there are some big-time skirmishes and a lot of injuries, and it's been fun. We're fighting because we've been forced to fight.

Q: How does your camaraderie with Derek Mears affect your scenes with him as Jason?

JP: I guess for everybody it's different. For me, it makes it a lot easier. I'm not method. I don't enjoy not enjoying my work. If I'm playing someone who's sleep deprived, I'm sleeping nine hours, you know what I mean? I don't want to get to work and be miserable, because it messes with my focus. Likewise, I don't want to worry about not getting along with someone I'm working with and be faking it during the day just so you can get on. It's nice to be friends with somebody, because it's so weird; You're bruised up and banged up and there are scenes where we're having fights and there's a scene where I cut my face open for real and you don't want to go from that to, "And ... cut," and not want to talk to anybody.

It's nice to go, "Hey Derek, I just messed myself up," and him be like, "What, you allright?" And me be like, "Yeah, I'm fine but I'm gonna have a scotch when I get home." It's also nice to sit down and have lunch with everybody and joke and kid around.

Q: Do you think you'll stick with the genre after this?

JP: It's a genre I'm a fan of. I enjoy scary movies, horror movies, and scary shows. I grew up watching The Twilight Zone with my old man. If the role is right or if I want to work with the director or the producers...each job is so specific. I'm not at the point in my career, where, like Brad Pitt, I can say, "I want a comedy," and then twenty comedies show up at my front door. So, for me, I have to fight for the roles I want and this was a role I wanted and I fought for it.

As far as the process being different, this has been very different than House of Wax. House of Wax was a 90 day shoot in Australia and I wasn't the lead, I was fifth or sixth. This is very different -- we're shooting the same length of movie in half the time and it's so hectic, and I'm number one on the call sheet -- I'm the lead. There's a lot of responsibility. I'm in most every scene and if I'm not in, they might need me, so I have to be close by. That's happened a few times, they're like, "I know you're supposed to have a day off today, but we kind of need to shoot this scene today." I'm like, "Okay, sober up!: [laughs] I also did House of Wax before Supernatural, so I've become much more comfortable acting with visual effects. House of Wax was my first time being submerged in the world of prosthetics and special effects and, "Here's a camera and there's a green piece of tape and you have to scream when you see it." That was all new to me. Now I'm used to it. I've done it sixty times for sixty episodes of Supernatural. Now I don't feel like an idiot when I'm staring at the green tape.





Friday the 13th opens in theaters nationwide on February 13, 2009. Check out the official site HERE.

It has begun. The shockingly stupid among us have started their chant. You will be hearing it for a long, long time. “Look at the Obama supporters crying.” “The Savior is not a Savior.” "Obamamanics Let Down By The Messiah.” The underlying point behind all of these... more

It has begun. The shockingly stupid among us have started their chant. You will be hearing it for a long, long time. “Look at the Obama supporters crying.” “The Savior is not a Savior.” "Obamamanics Let Down By The Messiah.”

The underlying point behind all of these idiotic remarks you will be hearing is the same: Every person who voted for Obama thinks he will cure the country instantly and he will be the greatest politician of all time. This is an extremely ironic position to take from the followers of Jesus and Ronald Reagan.

They are, of course, implying people who voted for Obama were guided by blind faith and completely lacking the ability to honestly assess the candidate. Were there people like that? Sure. Do they number more than the evangelical lunatics who blindly voted for George W. Bush in massive numbers? Fuck no. This is pretty standard stuff. People get behind a candidate because of the climate in the country. In this case, people are excited about a president who appears to not be mentally handicapped and drunk. Can’t really blame them for that, can you?

Those of you spouting this “Obama is the Messiah” nonsense are shockingly stupid. I just wanted to point that out. You’re a complete moron. Your black and white thinking is exactly what got us into the disaster our country now finds itself in. It led us to eight years of Bush and now that you are faced with a bit of complexity and shades of gray, you fall back on your pile of idiot. You are an embarrassment to brains.

I voted for Obama. I supported him strongly at times and at other times, not at all. On more than one occasion I was called an “Obama fanboy” or an “Obamabot.” Never mind that at one point I decided to vote for a third party candidate because of Obama’s right wing leanings, I was a thoughtless robot in the Obama brain dead army.

I previously wrote about this incredibly moronic, right wing thought process in an article titled, “The Frankenliberal .” They create a false narrative and then spend hours attacking it, like an old man with Alzheimer’s arguing with himself in a retirement home. It’s a fairly strange phenomenon to observe. I know hundreds of people who voted for Obama and not one adheres to the right wing “Savior” story. They simply see a man who appears to be competent and may actually have the opportunity to right the ship before it sinks. And after the past 8-year shit parade, it excites them.

They are excited for a number of reasons. They are pretty easy to understand and I’m going to try to explain them to your right wing, monkey-like brains.

Bush was an embarrassment, every single day. He brought tremendous amounts of shame each and every time he opened his mouth. He seems to thrive on stubbornness and a lack of knowledge. On several occasions, he was obviously drunk in public. He had the intellectual curiosity of a rodent. He used the phrase “It’s hard work” to describe the office of the president so many times, one had to wonder why he took the job. He was so vindictive, he outed a CIA agent. He made torture, a practice America once hung people for, legal. He spied on Americans without warrants. His inept choices caused the death of hundreds during Hurricane Katrina, while America watched on television. He took us to war using lies and manipulation. He politicized the Justice Department and, therefore, the rule of law. He kidnapped and held foreigners without charges.

(You can probably skip to the bottom of this paragraph now, I think the point has been made).

He backed out of the Kyoto Protocol, making America look like the backwards hick of the world. He attacked nearly every environmental law that exists. He removed emails from the White House system, breaking the law under the White House Records Act. He’s committed war crimes. He allowed massive neglect of our veterans in hospitals. He failed in Afghanistan, the actual place where the terrorists trained. He mishandled North Korea, which lead to the country creating nukes. He created a massive mercenary army and privatized military support services, leading to price gouging, tainted food and water, slavery, corruption and murder. He allowed the energy companies to write U.S. energy policy and Enron was the result. He created the failure known as the Homeland Security Department. He gave tax cuts to the richest Americans during wartime and created massive deficits. He filled judicial appointments with corporate loving judges. He turned Medicare into a time bomb. He failed miserably on healthcare. He destroyed America’s image around the world. His policies led to Hamas taking over the Gaza Strip. He took no action to bring peace to the Israel-Palestine conflict. He refused to fund stem cell research. He encouraged the FDA to allow businesses to self-police. He filled consumer oversight positions with businessmen. He restricted the effectiveness of the EPA. He created a demoralizing and partisan atmosphere at the CIA under Peter Goss. He signed thousands of signing statements to bills. He devastated the National Guard. He overextended and broke the Army. He pushed for and signed the Grassley bankruptcy bill. He allowed Mexican trucks to enter the US without regard for safety or environmental standards. He gave us The Patriot Act. He waged a war on science. He paid for American journalists to write propaganda. He destroyed the labor department. He ignored a report on Bin Laden in August 2001. He declared ground zero non-toxic when it was not. He took health care money meant for ground zero workers back. His mining friendly policies led to the Sago mining disaster. He nominated Harriet Miers for the Supreme Court in just one of many acts of cronyism. He allowed heath care providers to turn away patients based on religious beliefs. He weakened pollution controls and opened forests to logging. He antagonized Russia by making a ballistic missile agreement with Poland. He deregulated the markets and pushed for a “home ownership” society leading to the housing crash. He allowed Enron to gut California. He violated the Hatch Act by using the GSA to promote Republican candidates. He brought Karl Rove into power. He obliterated the Civil Rights Division at the White House and oppressed minority voting. He created the disaster known as No Child Left Behind. He sent Paul Wolfowitz to run the World Bank with predictable and terrible results. He attempted to politicize Public Broadcasting. He used America’s terrorist warning system for political advantage, gave Medals Of Freedom to men who oversaw the epic failure known as the Iraq War. He allowed aggressive proselytizing by Christian evangelical faculty and cadets at the US Air Force Academy, had White House officials re-write scientific reports. He created a totally ineffective and expensive non-continuous fence along the US-Mexican border. He “bungled” oil leases, which will cost American taxpayers up to 9.8 billion dollars. He punished military attorney’s who successfully defended detainees. He created a secret court. He halted the phase out of the environmentally devastating gasoline additive MTBE. He kept failure Donald Rumsfeld in office way past his ripe date. Created enormous tax breaks for idiots to buy Hummers. He failed to properly provide soldiers with armor. He vetoed SCHIP. He put Katrina victims in toxic trailers. He made sure there were no audits of Iraq private contracts. He gutted the Consumer Products Safety Commission. He gave a grant of $43 million on May 17, 2001 to the Taliban government for its efforts to eradicate opium production. He stopped the release summaries of National Intelligence Estimates (NIEs) to the public. He created “Free Speech Zones” for protestors. He destroyed tapes of torture. He oversaw a massive decline in employment. He sent to dollar plummeting to new lows. Sent John Bolton, who hated the UN, to the UN as ambassador. He buried negative reports on Iraq reconstruction, pollution in the Great Lakes and privatizing US intelligence. He turned the SEC from a watchdog organization of Wall Street to a co-criminal. Due to a lack of oversight, Bush lost $10.7 billion in Iraq. His de-regulation of the foreign crude oil markets allowed speculators to drive up oil prices to new heights. His total lack of oversight on the bank bailout did nothing to solve the crisis.

Pretty small list, huh? See, Bush was the most corrupt and worst president in American history, so people like myself are excited to be done with him and to have a president in office who will, at the very least, treat the office with respect. Sure, a lot of people think Obama will be able to accomplish things he won’t, or that he won’t want to, but he will never be as horrible of a president as Bush. And every new president has a few supporters who think that.

Obama may fail, but at least he will work within the law and not shit on the people of the United States every single day. I am already disappointed in a few of Obama’s cabinet choices and his insanely stupid tax cut for big businesses stimulus plan, but he will never come close the ineptitude and blatant disregard for the law as Bush. You can dislike all of Obama’s policies, but he will never be as stupid or corrupt as our current lame duck.

So, each and every time you chuckle to yourself and think, “Man, those Obama fanboys sure are idiots,” remember, it’s all in your head. You have created a false narrative to sooth your wound from being out of power. We are actually adults and understand Obama will disappoint us at times and please us at others.

And remember, if you think others believe Obama is some sort of Savior, you are a very, very stupid human being.



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FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Two thousand and nine, so far, feels like the scene in a movie where the guy breathes a sigh of relief –– his monster/zombie/ex-girlfriend/whatever has been slain/defeated/dumped. The problems are over, the fun begins and the credits are just about to roll. That's exactly when the monster/zombie/ex-girlfriend... more

Two thousand and nine, so far, feels like the scene in a movie where the guy breathes a sigh of relief –– his monster/zombie/ex-girlfriend/whatever has been slain/defeated/dumped. The problems are over, the fun begins and the credits are just about to roll. That's exactly when the monster/zombie/ex-girlfriend comes back from around the corner, up from the depths of the oil pit/sunken galleon/whatever, waves the bag of pills/secret software/dirty pictures at you, gives you the finger, stabs you, or threatens to cook you (for?) dinner. The horrible ex-girlfriend you were so pleased to see the hairy back of has reluctantly agreed to give you another chance! Rock & roll loves you and won't let go!

This is EXACTLY where we are now. I just did this myself at the gas station. I filled up for less than $100 and danced my way across the AM/PM food court laughing hysterically as if I had won the lottery. The fact is, everything else in the world of touring (and unfortunately the world in general) is still totally fucked. Your audience might now have enough gas in the car to get to your show but what are you doing to get them from the curbside to your side? What's your red carpet made out of?

I guess this is just a reminder to be careful out there. Everything that was going to fuck you the hell up six months ago is still out there, waiting in the wings (not the band, the sides of the stage). Proceed accordingly.

Here are three band resolutions you should try to make 2009 a little smoother on the road:

#1 - To Get More Ca$h

* Have more than one t-shirt design. If you still don't have even one.... I'll wait while you punch yourself in the face....
* Teach yourself to screen print so that you can make your very own "special smudgy thumb printed sorry but it's still wet poster" and loads of different shirts. And screen print your bass amp too!
* Record your shows and manufacture a few discs from each show so you have a variety of live discs at the merchandise booth (and screen print the digi packs you sell them in!)

#2 - To Be Better Onstage

* Play more and pay attention to the audience's body language when you do. People running from the venue means that maybe you shouldn't be trying to hit those Queen-like operatic high notes! People moving closer to the stage means they are drawn to your magnetic charismatic vibe, they like the songs and want to be close enough to touch you, feel your pain, and wipe away a tear - either that or they 're trying to steal your new effects pedal and swipe some of your Jagermeister.
* Put as many people as you can on the guest list - people like to feel special. Don't forget to put the people you said you would on the guest list - people hate to feel small and forgotten.

And most importantly


#3 - Play For Free!

* Do you have enough money to pay to see yourself right now? And buy a few beers?? OK, so why would your fans?

All tried and tested methods for more greatness, sustainability and groovyness gratefully received. Leave comments and I'll respond.

Look out for me on the road. I'll be at NAMM Jan 16-18 at the Presonus booth, at Cal Poly Jan 15, at SXSW and all over the place soon!

Find me on Facebook for more details on all of my upcoming events, or go HERE.

Peace, love and happy touring in 2009.

Martin Atkins
Chicago Illannoys




Martin Atkins has drummed with PiL, Killing Joke, Ministry, Nine Inch Nails, Pigface, and The Damage Manual, among others. As owner of the now 20-year old Invisible Records, he has worked with artists such as Thrill Kill Kult, Einsturzende Neubauten, Chemlab, Chris Connelly, Sheep On Drugs, Murder Inc, and Psychic TV. Martin teaches a course on Business of Touring at Columbia College in Chicago, IL, and has written a survival guide for touring bands, Tour Smart: And Break The Band, which features contributions from Henry Rollins, Cynthia Plastercaster, The Enigma, the Suicide Girls, Zim Zum (formerly of Marilyn Manson), Kevin Lyman, and various other managers, journalists, venues, agents, sponsors, radio personalities and the like.

Well it's on again, the late twentieth century's favorite cage fight: Israel vs. the Arabs! It's always a classic match, no matter who is representing the Arabs. Recent performances by the Hezbollah in northern matches last summer were excellent –– producing spectacular TV footage... more

Well it's on again, the late twentieth century's favorite cage fight: Israel vs. the Arabs! It's always a classic match, no matter who is representing the Arabs. Recent performances by the Hezbollah in northern matches last summer were excellent –– producing spectacular TV footage and rave reviews from pundits and journalists all over the world. This summer we aren’t looking at the big time game that we had in Lebanon. No sir, the Gaza Strip is a far more pedestrian location, but don’t let Hamas fool you by their relatively poor first appearances. While they seem a simple home town team, without the big rockets that Hezbollah have –– let alone the heavy artillery and first world air force that Israel commonly deploy in these matches –– these boys have guts and determination to burn, backing from Syria and Iran, and a game plan so simple that Israel will find it very hard to beat: survival. Yes indeed, it is going to be a humdinger of a match that promises all the drama and spectacle that we have come to expect of the Middle East. Game On!

Now if as an introductory paragraph that seems somewhat sarcastic, or even insulting, then you need to think outside the square about what we are seeing in the Gaza Strip. Hateful corp-speech though that cliché might be, it is actually something that we don’t do very much.

Go through the numbers in your head. The first communal violence between Jewish settlers and Palestinians in what was then the British mandate of Palestine was in early 1920. The communal violence continued on a small scale until 1948 when we had the first real war. This was followed by another 3 major wars (1956, 1967 and 1973), a long term Israeli military intervention in Lebanon (1982-2000), dozens of skirmishes on the ground and in the air, some minor, some major, but seemingly constant, periods of resistance in the Occupied Territories (1987, 2000), and since the first one in 1952 more terrorist attacks than any one cares to remember.

I’m thirty eight and I can’t remember a time when Israel-Palestine wasn't a festering boil on the backside of the world. Every time the boil flares up again we get the articles complaining about who did what to whom in what order. We get the complaints that not enough effort has been put into diplomacy. We blame the USA, we blame Syria, we blame Iran, we blame Israel, we blame the PLO and Hamas, we blame Islam, we blame the Zionists, we blame, we blame, we blame and we blame. We blame because we want the pointless, never-ending violence to stop. We blame because we believe that all our politicians, diplomats, thinkers and soldiers should be able to find a way to stop this stupid, pointless violence. We have spent 60 years since the founding of Israel looking for a solution and not having found it we instead take comfort in sweeping generalizations that allow us to place the blame for our failure: Muslims are all corrupt, rabid terrorists who hate democracy, freedom and are dedicated to driving every last Jew into the sea; Israelis are all racist, rabid Zionists dedicated to driving every last Palestinian into exile and stealing their land.

Sure these two statements are extreme, but at their heart they are what our excuses amount to for the ongoing failure of all the peace talks, peace conferences, diplomatic missions etc. The only difference being whether you are pro-Israeli or pro-Palestinian, your bent generally determining who you blame. I’ve studied the conflict at university and have seen this attitude in the corridors of academia first hand. You see it every day in the newspapers and on TV, and I can't even begin to cover the range of diatribes –– foul and reasoned –– that fester on the internet.

Reasonable people, and we are the majority, find it an almost impossible situation to deal with. Both sides have good arguments, both sides have committed gross atrocities, both sides are mostly composed of good people who want quiet lives, both sides have monsters, and both sides seem to be unable to find a formula to allow them to live side by side.

With every serious diplomatic attempt at a solution –– most recently the 1993 Oslo Talks that culminated in the failed talks under President Clinton at Camp David in 2000 –– each side find good reasons to walk away. You may not agree with Arafat’s decision to abandon the 2000 talks –– the man was one unpleasant bastard –– but it is hard to fault his complaints about the right of return, the limits placed on the supposed Palestinian state or the geographic constraints Ehud Barak was insistent on. It is also hard to fault Israel’s concerns about terrorism, future security threats and the Palestinian right of return. It is also true that both sides could truthfully claim that the other side made too much out of their concerns. Possibly it is even true that one party or the other was deliberately looking to cause the talks to fail. There is always a good reason, always some truth amongst the lies and propaganda, always an excuse for the extremists on both sides to make sure everyone goes back to the fighting.

So here we are, after almost a century of violence, no further towards a solution; Israelis and Palestinians killing each other in job lots again –– the same tired arguments of moral equivalence and moral superiority being aired by the same tired protagonists and their cheer squads. Do I have a solution? Hell no, but I am getting tired of the constant belief that there is a solution. We have one country –– and a small country at that, about the size of New Jersey not counting the Occupied Territories –– and two peoples who claim that it is theirs. Maybe it is time we just accepted that there is no peaceful solution to be found? We can’t have Israel and Palestine –– we can have only one or the other –– so leave it to the historians to argue over whose fault it was and let them just fight it out once and for all.

What would this mean? Well it would mean hell on earth for the Palestinians as they would find themselves ethnically cleansed into Jordan. So bad for Jordan to then. How would the rest of the Arab world react? Not with direct violence –– Israel’s conventional military superiority would squash the rest of the Middle East like a bug –– however it would possibly see the overthrow of the Egyptian regime and possibly other pro-western governments in the region. It would likely see a new oil embargo, and in the present economic climate wouldn't that be a very bad thing? It would certainly see a huge upswing in Islamic terrorism worldwide and especially in Iraq and Afghanistan, which would be a very very bad thing for those poor bastards who are deployed there right now. A litany of other bad things that would ensue keep occurring to me like the flashbacks of a nightmare caused by a very bad acid trip.

Crap! So I have to care. I hate that. I hate having to care what these maniacs do to each other. I hate that I can’t do anything to stop them going at each other like the main event at the CFC. If the Israelis and Palestinians are caught in a cage fight, we are all tapped in there with them. If we can’t work out how to stop them fighting then we are going to continue to get splattered by the media coverage, by the political and emotional fallout and by all the maniacs on both sides, and in their cheer squads like Al Quada, Iran, and Neocons etc., who will keep trying to pull the rest of the world into the fighting.

There is no end. The end.

What Suicide Girls are putting on…and taking off. Cardigans can keep you warm or make you hot. Here’s some of our favorite images of Suicide Girls under wraps. (image) (image) (image) (image) (image) (image) (image) (image) (image) (image) (image) (image) Fashion Notes Understated yet glamorous,... more

What Suicide Girls are putting on…and taking off. Cardigans can keep you warm or make you hot. Here’s some of our favorite images of Suicide Girls under wraps.


























Fashion Notes
Understated yet glamorous, J Crew offer this cute three-quarter sleeved, shimmery, silk-blend, grey/metallic cover up that's finished with faux crystal buttons (currently on sale at $130). • We love this silk and cashmere classic cardi with a subtle twist (an elongated cuff on the sleeve) from Victoria Secret (on sale for $49). • For a vintage feel with more than a little flair, try this blooming crocheted creation from Anthropologie ($128). • If you're looking for high end elegance at a low end price, this chic black knit affair from Forever 21, which features an oversize satin bow that teases as it covers up the cleavage, will please your eye and your purse ($22.80). • We’re also feelin’ this sporty argyle number by Fred Perry from Urban Outfitters ($120). • If you like to share everything with the man/woman in your life, try on this roomy unisex tri-blend rib cardigan from clothing with a conscience retailer American Apparel ($44). • And for something a little more unique, check out this hand embroidered and beaded cotton cashmere design from MakeMinePretty ($75), a member of the online community shop window that is Etsy.com.

Did we miss your favorite cardigan photo? If so, upload it HERE.

Check back each Wednesday for more Dirty Laundry and let SuicideGirls show you the best way to (un)dress.

Sadly, it has been confirmed that Ron Asheton of legendary rock’n’roll band The Stooges was found dead in his Ann Arbor, Michigan home this morning. While no official cause of death has been determined yet, reports claim that the eldest of the Asheton brothers is suspected to have died from... more

Sadly, it has been confirmed that Ron Asheton of legendary rock’n’roll band The Stooges was found dead in his Ann Arbor, Michigan home this morning. While no official cause of death has been determined yet, reports claim that the eldest of the Asheton brothers is suspected to have died from a heart attack several days ago. Police discovered the guitarist’s body after having been contacted by his personal assistant, who had not been able to reach Asheton for several days.

Together with Iggy Pop, Scott Asheton and Dave Alexander, Ron Asheton formed The Stooges in 1967, releasing three albums between 1969 and 1973, all of which appeared among Rolling Stone’s 500 greatest albums of all time. Asheton also ranked #29 of the magazine’s greatest guitarists of all time. Having influenced the likes of The Ramones, The Sex Pistols, AC/DC and many more, The Stooges were widely thought of as the forefathers of punk rock.

After the band’s break-up in 1974, Asheton continued playing music in bands such as The New Order (not to be confused with the post-Joy Division formation), Destroy All Monsters, and New Race. The Stooges reformed in 2003, including both Ashetons, and released their fourth album four years later.

Iggy & The Stooges have released the following statement about the loss of their friend and band member:

SuicideGirls interviewed Ron Asheton in 2007, read it here.

Obama is going with tax cuts. Well, that didn’t take long. Obama’s already working his compromise promise –– except right now compromise on the economy could send us spiraling into a depression, if we aren’t already there. Remember all those tax cuts under Bush? Didn’t... more

Obama is going with tax cuts. Well, that didn’t take long. Obama’s already working his compromise promise –– except right now compromise on the economy could send us spiraling into a depression, if we aren’t already there. Remember all those tax cuts under Bush? Didn’t everything turn out awesome? Did you spend, spend, spend your six hundred dollars last year? Cram that shit back into the economy and get it rolling again? How did that go? Now Obama’s going to compromise on his stimulus package and instead of spending 100% on infrastructure, he’s going to give 40% back in tax cuts. That leaves 60% for infrastructure. Fail.

I know, Obama promised we’d get tax cuts. And that’s fine –– just not at the expense of public investment stimulus plan. We need to stop the hemorrhaging of jobs now. Actually, yesterday. We need to invest in our infrastructure immediately. Compromising with the ideologically driven Republicans who got us into this mess is not the way to go. Compromising to the tune of 40% is just plain moronic.

We are sitting on the edge of a cliff right now. We need to go with what will give us the biggest bang for our buck and it turns out infrastructure spending is top o’the list.



Hey, look at that. Oh, and that chart was created by Mark Zandi, a Republican.

Obama wants to get 80 Senators on board for his stimulus plan. 80. That’s beyond compromise, especially when you control the Senate by a wide margin. This is half-assed leadership. This is weak leadership. This is not impressive.

Well, thank God. I mean, they got us here, so let’s keep doing what they want. This 40% plan is BEFORE Obama has worked with the Republicans. He is going in offering 40%. Has anyone seen the Republicans operate over the past 20 years? Anyone? Usually one would start out low and negotiate from there. I expect this to end up with around 99% tax cuts, based on Democratic spinelessness. It’s exactly what we can’t afford right now.

So, that’s not good. Not good at all. We need jobs. Tax cuts to businesses trying to survive aren’t going to produce jobs. It may keep some more people employed, but it won’t create new jobs. Not in this economy. Giving businesses money to rebuild the infrastructure would create new jobs. But, no, let’s go with more discredited, obviously wrong, eternally failing, supply side economics.

The Bush economy, with these types of tax cuts created a 26% increase in Americans living in “extreme poverty.”

Twenty-six fucking percent. So, by all means, more of the same.

Giving money to people without pricing power is useless. The middle class and upper class are holding onto their money right now. They will do the same with the bullshit $500 dollar check they get. But they are only $140 million of the tax cut, the rest goes to businesses. Businesses aren’t going to create new jobs if there isn’t any demand for their fucking products. What retard actually believes that is going to happen?

Anyone notice what went down when we gave billions to the banking industry over the past few months? They laid people off and bought up competitors –– then laid off those employees. Wow, what an enormous success.

God forbid we actually use the stimulus money to rebuild our country. Hey, how about we increase our Internet speeds so we aren’t 10 times slower than everyone else in the world? How about some high-speed trains? How about more subways and light rails in cities? Anyone notice traffic is bad? That kind of effects business a bit. How about we do something about the nations electrical grid? Our country needs a massive overhaul and now is the time to do it. And guess what? We can actually put people back to work at the same time.

Or we can just hand people a check and keep doing exactly what we did to get us here. We can ignore the fact that our economy hasn’t been working for quite some time for the vast majority of Americans. We can ignore the fact that the FIRE economy is pretty much a massive failure and avoid the inevitable: A complete and total restructuring of our economy. We can keep giving away tax cuts, so people will spend money the same way they have been and keep going down this dark road of doom.

We’ve basically tax cutted ourselves into a depression, so why stop now. We’re not getting any return on our tax cuts and haven’t been for quite some time. Obama calling for 40% of his stimulus plan is a disaster.

The new boss is giving in to the pathetic old boss.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

I admit it. I love my Amazon Kindle. Yes, I'm anti-DRM and I've never been interested in ebooks before. I used the argument of wanting to enjoy books -- you know, books. Those things you can take into the tub or dog-ear or hand to a good friend and not be too broken-hearted if you don't... more

I admit it. I love my Amazon Kindle.

Yes, I'm anti-DRM and I've never been interested in ebooks before. I used the argument of wanting to enjoy books -- you know, books. Those things you can take into the tub or dog-ear or hand to a good friend and not be too broken-hearted if you don't get it back because you're only out five to ten bucks.

I once got in trouble with my mother for bringing too many books on vacation. I'd filled a garbage bag full of paperbacks. If I'm caught waiting somewhere without a book, I feel naked and bored. I love books.

So when I got the Kindle as an unexpected birthday present, I didn't know what to think. I tried it out and it turns out I loved it. I won't go into all the awesomeness about it, (you can read reviews here and here), as this is not a Kindle review. This is an article talking about a very unexpected problem with the Kindle.

"Ooo, you got a Kindle? Can I see it?" people ask. And I balk. You see, in my house, we have different book shelves. We try to keep the scifi together. The mystery, the horror, nonfiction, reference, graphic novels, collectibles... each genre is roughly segregated. If you were to stroll around our house looking at our books, you would see what we chose for you to see.

And because it's not really kosher to stroll around the more private areas of people's houses to look at their books, you won't see what we don't want you to see.

Yes. I like porn. Pr0n. Erotica.

I loves me a good fuck book.

Now, I'm betting most of you aren't gasping. I write for SuicideGirls, and you're reading SuicideGirls. That's why I feel comfortable telling just you. The others, they may not understand.

My daughter's best friend's father, for instance. He may not understand. But he wanted to see my Kindle too. Which means he could see all the books I have on my Kindle. I specifically showed him the ability to go to the Amazon store...which then showed him my recommendations based on what I'd purchased.

"We're recommending THIS dirty book for you because you liked THAT dirty book!"

Oops.

If you look on my device, you can see my monthly Kindle subscription to Asimov's. You can see I just bought Soon I Will Be Invincible by Austin Grossman. I am reading several books by one of my heroes, Lawrence Lessig. I'm doing research into PG Wodehouse, who was a major influence of Connie Willis, who has in turn been a huge influence of me. I have a book on quilting, in case I want to pick up that hobby. (Yeah, I read fuck books and I do crafts. I have layers.) I have books to help research my latest novel, and I have the latest novel itself in doc form.

I have John Scalzi, Tobias Buckell, Benjamin Rosenbaum, and Haruki Murakami on my Kindle. I have friends' novels on my Kindle to review and give them comments.

And yes. I have some dirty books.

If you are eager to see my new Kindle, you will learn things about me that I may not want you to know. Like I'm a fan of anthologies edited by Alison Tyler. And I like Christmas erotica.

Heck, if you know the Kindle's interface you can figure out how far along I am in my books just by glancing at my book shelf. Then you might find the embarrassing fact that I just might be farther along in some pr0n than I am in Lessig's works.

One blessing is that you can manually delete things from the Kindle, which is what I did before I showed it off to some family this past holiday season. Of course, from what I can tell, if the Kindle has room for it, it will automatically download the books you've purchased from Amazon but it doesn't detect on the Kindle anymore. I can't figure out how to stop that besides turning off the WiFi.

The thought of deleting all my erotica every time someone wants to see my Kindle seems clumsy and silly. And honestly more work than I'm willing to do. Also, it would seem awkward if I struggle with the UI every time someone just wants to see a toy that logically you should just hand over.

Should I own my interest in the books where the secretary is tied up as a Christmas present for her boss? Should I confidently hand over the Kindle when someone asks, with a, "you asked for it!" look on my face? Or should I continue to pretend to be a productive member of Puritan society? No sex books for me, thanks. Not on my shiny, ironically pure white ebook reader.

Or I could just stop reading erotica.

Naaaaaah...


Mur Lafferty is an author and podcaster who recently released her first novel, Playing For Keeps. She Speaks Geek every month on SuicideGirls.com. Click HERE for more of Mur's musings.

Too embarrassed to talk to your friends about your furry fetish? Not sure when to tell your partner about those, um, nasty genital warts? Are your friends sick and tired of you running to them every time that frenemy of yours pisses you off? Not sure how to get your foot in the door of that fab new career... more

Too embarrassed to talk to your friends about your furry fetish? Not sure when to tell your partner about those, um, nasty genital warts? Are your friends sick and tired of you running to them every time that frenemy of yours pisses you off? Not sure how to get your foot in the door of that fab new career you want? I got you covered. Miss Truth Hurts is here to answer all of your love, life, sex, career, and relationship questions. Ask anything. I've been there/done that (except for the warts) and I've dished out advice to readers just like you through the pages of my advice book/lifestyle guide, Cherry Bomb: The Ultimate Guide to Becoming a Better Flirt, a Tougher Chick, and a Hotter Girlfriend, and to Living Life Like a Rock Star.

Send your questions, dilemmas, and conundrums to misstruthhurts@suicidegirls.com. Alternatively, SG members can send a message via the site to MissTruthHurts.



Q: Your book is the reason that I recently got backstage and on the tour bus of one my favorite bands after a concert. This resulted in me hooking up and exchanging numbers with the frontman. He said he would call me the next time he was in town, which would be in about a month. Regardless, he told me that he wanted me to call him sometime and gave me a heart shaped locket before we parted. Should I call him or wait and see if he ever calls me or realize that this was a one-time opportunity and enjoy it for what it was?

-Not Sure in New England


A: Be bold and go for it! He gave you his number so use it. And, he gave you a locket?!? Wow. Sweet. That doesn't say "one time opportunity" to me. Call him and try your best to be cool, casual, and confident. But, keep your expectations low. The number could be a fake one or he might not even remember you. Maybe he gives lockets away to pretty girls like one gives quarters away to bums. You won't know until you call him. Good luck!



Q: I'm 19-years-old and have been with my boyfriend for over a year and half. We plan on getting married someday in the future, but we're not rushing anything because I'm young. The problem I have is with our sex life. I've never had an orgasm and he doesn't seem concerned with giving me one. He refuses to go down on me, he complains of "the flood," and doesn't really bother doing anything else. I enjoy sex, but I 'm just never fulfilled. What should we do differently?

-Unsatisfied in Florida


A: There are so many things wrong with this relationship I don't know where to start! First, 17 or 18 is too young to have met the man you're going to marry. Just trust me on that. Second, he won't go down on you? Fuck that shit. That point is dump-worthy alone. Third, and most important, if your boyfriend is not concerned with your needs then he is not a good boyfriend and won't be a good husband. That said, I didn't have my first orgasm until my twenties (sorry to all the boyfriends I faked it with!), so 19 isn't too weird to be in this situation. You need to learn to make yourself come first before anyone else can do it. Teach him what gets you off, and if he can't rise to the occasion there are tons of other men out there that I'm sure would love to fuck, lick, and suck the hell out of you.



Q: My boyfriend of three years doesn't want to have sex nearly as much as I do. I am 20-years-old and I think sex should be at least every other day. We used to have sex once or twice a day. I know most people would be happy with just that, but I'm simply not. My boyfriend is only 23, he should be all about sex right now! I know as he gets older its only going to happen less and less. I would resort to masturbation but it just never seems to be enough unless I have sex. I have mentioned maybe me getting a girlfriend (I'd fly both ways), but that resulted in a basic, "Hell no." What should I do??

-Sex Deprived in Sarasota


A: If you want to fly both ways, you need a man who is cool with that. He isn't cool with that and he's denying both who you are and what you need sexually. And, what guy wouldn't want two girls?! A gay guy, for one. A dud in bed, for another. Or, maybe your boyfriend just needs more encouragement. Tell him how hot he makes you. Tell him how great he is in bed, even if he isn't. Send sexy texts. I wouldn't break up with a guy if the only issue was that we only had sex twice a week. Twice a week is pretty damn good, girl. But, if he can't keep up with a sex vixen like you, it might be time to find a stud who can.



Q: I recently met two girls who play in a band together. I saw them perform and had great conversations with both of them. They are smart, sexy, and extremely talented. As of now I like them both. I would date/hook-up with either of them. I just would love to know how to express that I want to get to know both of them better (so I can decide which one to pursue) without putting out that "just friends" vibe or an obvious "I want you" vibe. How should I proceed?

-Confused in Connecticut


A: Whatever you do, don't flirt with or hit on both girls. You'll look like a male groupie and you'll end up with neither girl. Go to another show, have another conversation with each of the girls, and quickly decide which one you have more chemistry with and more in common with. Once you've zeroed in on the rock chick you're vibing with the most, ask her out. It's that simple.




Carrie Borzillo-Vrenna is Suicide Girls' sex, love, and life advice columnist. She is an entertainment journalist, rock wife, and author of Cherry Bomb: The Ultimate Guide to Becoming a Better Flirt, a Tougher Chick, and a Hotter Girlfriend, and to Living Life Like a Rock Star and Eyewitness Nirvana: The Day-by-Day Chronicle.

www.myspace.com/carrieborzillovrenna
www.carriebv.com

(image) Check back the first Sunday of each month for more exclusive action from Tank Girl and her pen pals Alan Martin and Rufus Dayglo. If you can't wait that long for your next fix of Tankie, try procuring a copy of Visions of Booga (the Collected Trade Paperback), which has just been published... more

Check back the first Sunday of each month for more exclusive action from Tank Girl and her pen pals Alan Martin and Rufus Dayglo. If you can't wait that long for your next fix of Tankie, try procuring a copy of Visions of Booga (the Collected Trade Paperback), which has just been published by Titan Books. You can also hit ArtDroids.co.uk for original Tank Girl artwork drawn by the fair hand and sharp pencils of Rufus Dayglo.

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