Life is all about timing. Especially when you're telling jokes that many might view as not funny, and that even more might find downright offensive. Thus, Lisa Lampanelli, the self-proclaimed Queen of Mean, who stars in her first HBO comedy special which premieres today, picks her moments carefully... more

Life is all about timing. Especially when you're telling jokes that many might view as not funny, and that even more might find downright offensive. Thus, Lisa Lampanelli, the self-proclaimed Queen of Mean, who stars in her first HBO comedy special which premieres today, picks her moments carefully –– very carefully.

Nicole Powers: Most people get into comedy because they were picked on in the playground, but you have a particularly brutal brand of humor that could potentially solicit as many beatings from bullies as it might stave off. So where does your humor come from?

Lisa Lampanelli: I know, isn't it weird? I wasn't even corn handled as a child or anything. You'd think someone as angry as me would have had to at least been twiddled by their uncle. But no, I had a pretty normal upbringing in an Italian house with a big loud mom, and a sort of strange pussy of a dad. So basically I had no excuse really for what I do today.

NP: A lot of your humor focuses on race? Why is that? How has racism impacted your life?

LL: I luckily have not been a victim of racism other than black men have beat up my private parts quite a bit, and I don't think that was 'cause it was a racial thing, I think they just like the white punany. But I've never been caught up on being a chubby white girl Italian, I'm not the racial profile, but I like to do that in my comedy because it makes everyone feel at the same level.

NP: Talking of everyone being on the same level, I agree with the principle that you run on, which is that you can't laugh at others unless you can laugh at yourself, but are their any other lines you draw in comedy?

LL: Oh, absolutely not. I mean you'll see on my HBO special, it's pretty much fair game...If you're in the audience it's fair game, and any subject can be made funny. If you're good enough you can make AIDS, rape, cancer, corn holings, you can make it all humorous, but you have to do it right.

NP: You use many words that many consider to be racial slurs. How do you decide what words are acceptable for you to use? Is 'spick' OK? And if so, what about the 'N-word'? What criteria do you use to make such distinctions?

LL: Well, I just do which ones flow off the tongue easiest for me because the audience seems to accept every word I say. So if I use the 'N-word', that does flow off the tongue quite nicely in some jokes. And I like 'spick' a lot better than 'wetback' because the 'c' sound at the end of 'spick' is a lot funnier and crisper than 'wetback'. 'Wetback' is kind of boring. The two syllables water it down. Now with 'homosexuals' I mean there's so many...It's just impossible to decide, so pretty much, because I have a nice gay following, I do them all.

NP: I have to admit as a white anglo-saxon, your comedy makes be feel incredibly uncomfortable. However, I can see that your audience, which is made up of minorities of every race and creed, are clearly laughing along with the insults that you hurl at them. Do you think that your show almost serves as group therapy?

LL: That certainly wasn't my intention. Believe me, I'd love to sit there and say that, "Oh yes, I strive to bring people together." I just like cursing at people and calling them names, and suddenly it started paying off and taking on a different tone. So, what I think is they don't get therapized, I think what happens is they all feel like they're all on the same page and everybody's equal when they come out of the show. And I get a lot of emails saying, "Oh, wow, you really helped me and my boyfriend stay together." Or "Oh, you turned me on to the black men," and this is from chubby white girls who meet black men. So even if I'm not trying to, I'm still helping people.

NP: Because in your performances you use the very same insults your audience are assaulted with in their everyday lives, and it's almost like your shows serve as a safe, controlled and cathartic environment where the sting of such insults is therapeutically replaced with laughter. Do you see that?

LL: Yes, absolutely. But on a serious note, I can get away with it because I'm a nice person, I have a warm personality, my intention is good behind it. The thing is, people sense when you have the least bit of anger or hate towards a group –– that's why you never make fun of people you don't like –– so I usually leave the British out of it.

NP: [laughs –– full disclosure: I'm a Brit.]

LL: You know what? You people think you're big shots. And do you remember, we won the war, OK. That's why we're a superior country. But you and I will not get into fisticuffs. I call a truce

NP: I think we just let you have the country back because we looked into our crystal ball and saw what was coming.

LL: My god! You British really have to learn how to let go.

NP: Your love life is also a fountain of inspiration for your humor. How's that going?

LL: Well let me tell you something, I actually took a year and a half off of dating because I was very co-dependent and needed to be alone for a while to see what kind of men enjoyed me and I them. So I took some time off...So what happened was, now that I have better self-esteem, I started attracting men with jobs –– and like decent jobs. I'd say like about 2011 I might equal, and I'd say it'd be a hot chocolate daddy who's a lawyer or something.

NP: Or Barack Obama, I hear he's got a good job.

LL: Ooh, I'd love that. But you know he's very racist. Did you notice he's got a black wife –– What's the fuck is that all about? Hello!

NP: In your comedy special you're very honest about the fact there are a couple of jokes you have to work up the courage to air. Have you had many instances where the moment a joke left your lips you wish you'd been able to suck it right back?

LL: No. Because I wait until I'm ready. It's like losing your virginity –– you really should wait until you're ready...There is one joke that's pretty hardcore...So that joke is a very racist joke, but yet, I don't know why, black people email me about that joke all the time and say, "Thanks for going there." So they know I mean it in an ironic sense.

What happens is, I kind of sense when the audience is open enough, when I'm scared enough to do it, and bomb! When the two coincide then I can get away with anything.

NP: What's the best and worst reactions you've had?

LL: Standing ovations on the way in, on the way out, that's a pretty fun reaction. That's hot.

NP: And what's the flipside of that? What's the worst reactions you've had?

LL: Well, here's the problem, or maybe actually it's good really, I have my assistant delete any negative emails I get from fans so I can delude myself into thinking everyone loves me. So basically, I'm not really sure if anybody out there doesn't like me, but from what I hear I'm fantastic.

NP: You've appeared a lot on Howard Stern's show. As the Queen of mean how would you describe your relationship with the King of All Media?

LL: Howard Stern is my hero first and foremost because he is a First Amendment advocate and he's just fantastic. I don't know who else anyone would listen to for four or five hours straight everyday single day. So Howard is my hero. But when you meet your hero you're hoping they'll be really nice. And thank god, he is such a gentleman, he's so nice. Every time I go on there he laughs, and he's happy to see me, and he says such nice things after work. Because I know he's worked on himself a lot. He's made no secret that he goes to therapy four times a week, and I go to therapy a lot, so we have like this little bond. I'm saddened, because we'll probably never be buddies that go out on the town because I'm still too in awe of him. But we’re just meant to have a nice business relationship, and I love it. He's the fucking best guy in the business for my career.

NP: How did that start out? How did you come to Howard's attention?

LL: Well, what had happened was, what I did was, all my career I'd said, I gotta get on Howard Stern but I'm not going to do it until I'm ready." Again, I never to anything until I'm ready. Like this year I was ready to do the HBO special, but not before that. So I said with Howard I had to wait until I had something specific to talk about that he'll be tickled by. So, I'd just done a Chevy Chase Roast on Comedy Central, like seven years ago, and Chevy asked me to go on. He said Howard's going to love to hear this stuff, because Howard loves gossip. So I said, OK, because that combined with the fact that I'd just started dating black guys, I figured he'd really be into it. So I went on, and it wasn't on Sirius Satellite Radio yet, and so it went great on the regular radio, and then when he got satellite I ended up really getting into it and becoming pretty much a regular every few months.

NP: You've Taken It Like A Man and been a Dirty Girl for Comedy Central and now you're HBO's Queen of Mean. How does doing comedy specials for the two compare?

LL: Well the only difference is that HBO has absolutely no editing. They don't make you take out all the language, no matter what time of the day it's on, and Comedy Central, unfortunately, because they're not a paid channel, they have to have different standards for censors and things.

So it's less of an argument before hand. Because with Comedy Central we'd go through ten hours of editing and going, "Oh, can I do this? Can I get away with that?" But with HBO they were like, "OK! Unless there's legally something wrong, you can leave it in." So really, it was a two-minute discussion with HBO, which for a comic is great, because I don't have to change anything, I'm allowed to be who I am. It allows you the best format to be exactly the person you wanted to be.

NP: So this is the raw, uncut Lisa lashing out.


LL: Oh, yeah. This is just like anything goes. In fact, we taped two shows because you have to tape two shows by the contract in case the cameras screws up or whatever. So we taped the first one and HBO were like so happy, and they were hugging me, and they were like, "Oh my god! We've never seen anything like this." And then when we taped the second show and I was like, "Gees, I don't even have to do a second show, it's in the can. But then, I was even looser, so the second one came out even better. So we pretty much used that as the one...and that one just had the craziest audience, so that was like the perfect night. Every minority in the room stood up. It was just beautiful.


Lisa Lampanelli: Long Live the Queen premieres tonight on HBO at 10 p.m. EST/PST.

As I sit in my moist anti-Asshole Fuckface fort, which is made out of wood and the cries of children, I am weeping. I weep as I read all of the Asshole Fuckfacery occurring in the world. Also, my father will not stop sending me emails about global warming being a myth. The whole thing has me wondering... more

As I sit in my moist anti-Asshole Fuckface fort, which is made out of wood and the cries of children, I am weeping. I weep as I read all of the Asshole Fuckfacery occurring in the world. Also, my father will not stop sending me emails about global warming being a myth. The whole thing has me wondering if I am actually his child. Could something so awesome come from something so disturbed? It’s a question Asshole Fuckface researchers will be asking for centuries. But I must work beyond this internal suffering because I have a task at hand. So many count on me to scour the news and find the worst of the worst. Without me, your lives would not have meaning. So put on your favorite burlap vest and pants combo, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some good old fashioned Taliban Asshole Fuckfacery.

Remember the Taliban? They used to be our friends. As a matter of fact, way, way back in May 2001, George W. Bush gave the Taliban $43 million. I wonder how they used that money? Anyway, now the Taliban have moved into Pakistan, for the most part. And things are going very well for them, which means things are not going well for humans known as females. The Taliban has pretty much taken over the Swat Valley, which means no schools and no music and no…um…banknotes.

Yay! War on Terror fail! A couple of weeks ago, the Taliban banned schooling for girls. And they are pretty serious about it.

That's a promising sign for the future.

Right. We can’t have women shopping now, can we? The Taliban have also destroyed 80 video shops, 22 barbershops and 20 bridges. Thank God the CIA helped create them and we moved the war to Iraq before we accomplished anything in Afghanistan. This is all going to end so well.

Next up, our own little Taliban Asshole Fuckfaces.

Now, our Taliban is not as bad as the actual Taliban, mostly because they can’t get away with the same horrible stuff. But if they could, they would. For now, they just focus on the horror of teenage lesbians.

Wow. So. Huh. I am at a loss on this one. I can actually think of nothing better in high school that 16-year-old lesbians, but I guess I’m crazy.

Kudos to the court for making discrimination okey-dokey. Next up, we should allow businesses to fire people of Romanian ancestry. Seriously. Are you okay working with vampires? I know I’m opposed on moral, religious and because I’m alive grounds. Also, my blood is super tasty, like a honey baked ham. So, let’s do it. We need to stop vampires, as well as 16-year-old lesbians.

Next up, some automobile maker Asshole Fuckfacery.

Remember, way, way, way back in December 2008, when Congress gave automakers a bailout? And remember how some Democratic members of Congress wanted to attach a provision that would stop those companies from suing states to prevent stricter fuel efficiency standards? And to get the deal done, Democrats had to give in the Republicans? Well, how well did that turn out?

Awesome. So, they are using taxpayer money to sue…taxpayers. Fantastic no strings with the money fail. That’s what a Bush presidency gets you.

And it’s a total waste of money. Surprise.

Finally, some really cold Asshole Fuckfacery.

Isn’t it awesome that we live in a country that allows people to freeze to death if they can’t pay their bills? How great does that make you feel?

Swell with pride. Enjoy your FREEDOM!

Fucker owed Bay City Electric Light & Power money. It’s called paying your way, bitch. He owed over $1000. That’s a lot of money.

Now, obviously, the company feels quite bad and they want to do everything possible to avoid such situations in the future. To this end, Bay City's Manager Robert Belleman had some advice:

Um. Yes, Mr. Asshole Fuckface. This is totally a neighbor thing. You should not, in any way, have to make sure people’s lives are not at risk when you cut off their heat in the dead of winter.

Finally, I’d like to point out that this fucker should have gotten a job instead of sitting around his house all day being old.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed. I mean this both literally and figuratively. Not only was I in a pissy mood, but I was also on the wrong side of the bed. I was trapped like a Uruguayan rugby player in the Andes, wedged between mattress and wall. Bizarrely positioned and beyond numb... more

I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed. I mean this both literally and figuratively. Not only was I in a pissy mood, but I was also on the wrong side of the bed. I was trapped like a Uruguayan rugby player in the Andes, wedged between mattress and wall. Bizarrely positioned and beyond numb in every appendage, I felt like a cross between Stephen Hawking and a discarded prom night prophylactic. Rallied forth by poop tremors, I dragged myself out from the living tomb of A-Team sheets and made my way to the lavatory where I pondered the eternal conundrum that is finishing up the deuce process with numb arms. Needless to say, this series of events did little to aid my already angry disposition.

I parked my car and began my walk to class in the cold stinging rain. Going down the steps from the lot, I noted that even after two weeks no one had the good sense or kind heart to turn a hose on the exceptionally large and amorphous pile of vomit that lay there upon the steps. At this point I could only assume that it was some part of an art project or bizarre social experiment and continued on my way. A few blocks later I realized something from that pile of vomit; I hadn't visited my neighbor the Burger King in some time. And coincidentally enough The King was angry too, and taking it out on his Whoppers!



The Reveal

This is what my $5.89 gets you. It looks like a lot, but realize that in some parts of the world that same amount can buy you a virgin and two fatted sows. Or vice-versa.



Take a moment to observe the photo below.

Yes, that is indeed four packets of ketchup. This is the kind of star treatment only an important fellow like myself can receive. I’ll bet Gary Busey doesn’t even get four ketchups.



And there it is. The Burger King Angry Whopper. A standard whopper at heart, but with the addition of Angry Onions, jalapeños, pepper jack cheese, and Angry Sauce. Weighing in at 880 calories, this is the smallest of the Angry lineup. It’s also available as a double at 1120 calories and a triple weighing in at 1360 calories. I decided to avoid the larger of the three as I would like to avoid riding a chair up my staircase like Mrs. Deagle. We all know how well that turned out.

The Mastication

Why does every fast food burger I get look like it was designed by a half-blind French engineer? Is this part of the Angry marketing scheme?





This is the part where I eat my words. It held together. Well even. Minimal drippage occurred, and that which did hit the paper was clearly from an eager tomato and not any sort of condiment or grease meat juice. Score one for the Angry Whopper.

But there did arise a problem. This was an “Angry” Whopper, not an “Irritated” Whopper or an “OMG What’s The Matter Honey? Nothing! ” Whopper. So where was the Angry? It’s not in the sauce. It appears to be, at best, a watered down wing topping with an extra dose of sweet. It’s not in the pepper-jack cheese either, nor was it the Angry Onions. The jalapeños did have a slight bite, but still this sandwich is not anywhere near a level that seemed indicated on the advertisements. But are they ever?

Overall Impressions

Despite the fact they tout it as Lewis Black when it’s really just a coked up Steven Wright, it wasn’t as terrible as I expected. It was almost decent, but one major factor will always hold the King back for me.

I hate albino lettuce and they always give me albino lettuce. There may be a sprig or too of green in there on occasion, but for the most part it’s whiter than the crowd at a Dave Matthew’s Band concert. Quit bogarting the green, King.

I give the Burger King Angry Whopper


7/10 flushes

SnakePlissken needs a drink.

If you're Sam Raimi, you have an interesting little dilemma to solve. One constant of the three Spider-Man films has been the Betty Brant character, a Peter Parker-smitten secretary who pops in for a couple of quick minutes to bat an eyelash at Peter or take a dig at her Daily Bugle boss, J. Jonah... more

If you're Sam Raimi, you have an interesting little dilemma to solve. One constant of the three Spider-Man films has been the Betty Brant character, a Peter Parker-smitten secretary who pops in for a couple of quick minutes to bat an eyelash at Peter or take a dig at her Daily Bugle boss, J. Jonah Jameson, before disappearing again. No one suspected, when the last film completed lensing in early 2006, that by the time pre-production on a fourth one rolled around, Elizabeth Banks, the actress who plays Betty, would have mushroomed into a bonafide A-list actress with starring roles in Oliver Stone's W. and Kevin Smith's Zack and Miri Make a Porno under her belt, as well as be the new face of L'Oreal cosmetics. The rumor mill has been heating up lately with talk that Raimi may pursue the obvious solution of expanding the Betty Brant role into a lead part in Spider-Man 4, but for now it's just talk.

Last week, on the morning the Oscar nominations were announced, Elizabeth Banks dialed up SuicideGirls to chat about one of her other recent projects, The Uninvited, a remake of the Korean horror film A Tale of Two Sisters, which has the distinction of being the favorite film of horror directing maestro James Gunn, among others. The raw, disturbing story of an intrusive stepmother who makes life miserable for the teen daughters of her new husband, The Uninvited is a sharp break from the actress's usual comedic repertoire. Here's our interview with Banks, in which we discuss the film and her current vantage point as one of Hollywood's true up and comers.

Ryan Stewart: I was just watching a re-broadcast of the Oscar nominations -- sorry to see that W. got shut out.

Elizabeth Banks: Yeah, I know, but I don't think anyone can take anything away from Josh's performance and it was a very tough, very competitive category this year for Best Actor. But he did get nominated for Milk, which was great, and I'm very excited for him. I loved Milk -- it's one of my favorite movies. I'm excited for Slumdog Millionaire, a lot of them, actually. But yeah, no one can take anything away from Josh's performance in W. -- he was universally praised for it and, you know, them's the breaks!

RS: Speaking of W., Laura Bush will have lots of free time now -- maybe she'll call you to hang out.

EB: [laughs] Hey, that would be cool with me -- she seems like very, very cool lady!

RS: I saw that you recently launched your own MySpace page -- how's that going?

EB: I am not very good with the MySpace, I gotta be honest with you, but I have been fairly good at going on and accepting my friend requests. I'm trying! I haven't checked my number of friends recently, but when I checked last week I had a little over three thousand. I've only been on it for a week, so I feel pretty good about three thousand in a week.

RS: Also, I have to say your blog is pretty sparse -- there was an entry where you announced your plans to drink more water.

EB: You know, I'm constantly making a joke out of how lame I can be on my blog, but yeah, that is actually my New Year's resolution, to drink more water, which is really a good New Year's resolution. I'm drinking a glass of water right now!

RS: I'm guessing it was your Slither director James Gunn who turned you on to The Uninvited? I've heard him talk about his love of the original before.

EB: Yeah, he told me that it was one of his favorite movies, actually, but I'm pretty sure he's not going to like this American version. He just doesn't like bastardization of originals. They're very different movies, but hopefully we can win him over. But no, he didn't turn me onto it -- I actually didn't know he liked the original until after the fact, after I'd already been cast in this American version.

RS: Slither is one of my favorites, by the way -- I hope you're not averse to doing more in the horror genre.

EB: I would say never say never -- I really love making those movies -- but I think I'm done with it for a little while, at least. Slither was one that I definitely loved because it was a true comedy as well as a gory kind of fun-filled horror, but The Uninvited is a psychological thriller. There is some humor mixed into it, but for the most part this is not about laughing. This one is about getting seriously creeped out and those are two totally different things. I played sort of hapless as Starla in Slither and in this I just play a total badass.

RS: So you're like a humorless Sharon Stone kind of vixen? There are no wisecracks?

EB: There's a little bit, a couple of wisecracks, but I based her mostly on Rebecca De Mornay in The Hand that Rocks the Cradle. That was the vibe that I was going for. In that movie she had this very cool quality where you were just never sure what her motivation was at any given time. It was very important to me that every line reading I gave could be interpreted two ways, so that when you go back through the movie you can see that...I didn't want to mislead the audience. I hate it when movies do that.

RS: So you play headgames with the kids, stuff like that? That's gonna be weird to watch -- you usually seem like you don't even have a dark side.

EB: Ha! We all have a dark side. Yeah, I mostly drew on a notion of just fucking with them, basically. My main thing was just to sort of fuck with the girls. Have you seen the movie?

RS: No, I don't think they invited me to a screening.

EB: Okay, cause there's a really big twist and I would totally give it away if I told you how I prepared for my character, basically.

RS: The title reflects a shift towards your character, right? The original, A Tale of Two Sisters, was more focused on the sisters and their menstrual cycles, as I recall.

EB: There's a lot less menstrual blood in this version, for sure. Emily [Browning] has already come of age in this one, she's a little older. But yeah, my character serves the same purpose -- "uninvited" does partially refer to me but it also refers to this evil that is coming into the home. It's sort of like "fear moves in" and what's uninvited is the evil, but it is embodied by me, certainly.

RS: I heard there's a scene where you beat the shit out of Emily.

EB: I wouldn't say that I beat the shit out of her, I mean she attacks me a little bit too, but we do have a great brawl. We have a good girl on girl brawl and it's legit -- we're punching, we're throwing, she slams a bottle against my head. It's a good one. We're running after each other and I'm basically trying to inject her with something, a sedative.

RS: Yikes. This was conceived as PG-13 from the start, right, so you knew how far you could go?

EB: Oh yeah, I knew what the rating would be on this movie. You almost always know what they're going for and I think it's important for actors to know that. Especially for me because I love to improv and you need to know what you can get away with. You need to know what the tone is going to be and also you get a lot more audience for a PG-13 film than you do for an R and I think it's very smart for you to know going in who the audience is that you're making the movie for.

RS: Actually, you're opening against another "hard PG-13" film -- the Liam Neeson kidnapping thriller, Taken. Easy decision?

EB: That's just a clear no-brainer. [laughs]

RS: Give me your best sales pitch for the undecided moviegoer.

EB: [in enthusiastic voice] Look, going to The Uninvited is like going on a great roller coaster ride. If you want all the thrills and excitement of going to an amusement park, you can get it for only ten dollars by seeing The Uninvited!

RS: But what if I'm a really big fan of Liam Neeson?

EB: If you really like Liam Neeson, then I can't help you. If you really like Liam Neeson, then I'm worried that you're living in 1987. Just kidding! I love Liam Neeson, but I don't know anything about that movie.

RS: You mentioned improv earlier -- how much of it do you typically get to work into your performances these days?

EB: It totally depends. I respect great writing, obviously, and it depends on the job -- different jobs require different things. For the most part, everybody loves to shoot a scene the way it's written, but as an actor part of the way that you stay fresh throughout a really long day, especially in comedy...it's very hard to find the right rhythm for a joke eight times in a row, you know? So often you'll need to play around with it simply to keep it fresh. It's not because of the writing or anything like that, it's just another tool that I can use as an actor to sort of stay fresh with the material.

RS: Are you reading a lot of the scripts floating around, looking for another good romantic comedy?

EB: I'm trying, but they're very hard to find. I think it's really hard to find a good one and I see no reason to rush, I just have to be patient. And a lot of it involves figuring out who the co-star is going to be. Unfortunately, a lot of my life depends on what male actors are gonna be doing. It's sort of depressing, actually.

RS: Some actresses call the shots these days, right?

EB: I don't know, I don't. I mean, I call some shots, but I still get super-depressed about what the studios are willing to make and what they're not willing to make. I lean on my producing to stay excited about certain things.

RS: Did you have a near-miss that got you depressed?

EB: Yeah, there was a David O. Russell movie that I really wanted to make with Vince Vaughn that ended up falling apart. I mean, I don't get depressed, it's just the nature of the game. I do wish that there were more female-driven movies out there, ones that I felt were really about something, that I felt like were interesting and funny and not just "watered-down funny" or something that's funny to eight year-old girls -- something that's funny to women. And those are really hard to find, unfortunately. It's the nature of the business in that they want to make the movies that will get the most audience and if you're a woman then they want you to bring in the young girls and young girls need a PG rating. It's hard to make a really funny comedy with a PG rating.

RS: No doubt -- does that mean you might return to Kevin Smith's universe?

EB: I would do anything that Kevin wanted me to do.

RS: Sure you don't wanna qualify that statement?

EB: [laughs] Well, we're both aware of our limits. But I really did love working with him and I think he wrote me what I consider to be the funniest female role of the year.

RS: So, what's on your plate right now? H-Man Cometh is the movie that fell apart, right?

EB: Yeah, that's the one I wanted to do that's now not happening. I have blissfully nothing, but I'm the new face of L'Oreal cosmetics, so I've been shooting some commercials for L'Oreal and just waiting for a great romantic comedy.

RS: I can't let you go without asking about Spider-Man 4. If you come back now, your quote will be bigger than their special effects budget!

EB: [laughs] First of all, I'm sure their special effects budget is one of the biggest in the industry, so there's nothing I could do that will bankrupt that movie. I actually saw Sam Raimi recently and we talked a little bit about the script and what he's working on, but I really have no details whatsoever and I don't even know if I'm gonna be asked to participate.

RS: I'm sure you don't need to tell him that it's step-up-to-the-plate time.

EB: Well, you know, I don't really want to go for a couple of days, but at the same time it's a great franchise and we'll see how it goes. I'm the last person to get a phone call and it's a ways off.



The Uninvited opens in theaters nationwide this Friday.

New York hardcore icon John Joseph is set to appear in five East Coast cities for his 'Play the Wall' spoken word in February, the singer/writer/hustler announced recently. The Cro-Mags frontman published a stellar 428-page autobiography last year, telling stories of an abusive childhood in... more

New York hardcore icon John Joseph is set to appear in five East Coast cities for his 'Play the Wall' spoken word in February, the singer/writer/hustler announced recently. The Cro-Mags frontman published a stellar 428-page autobiography last year, telling stories of an abusive childhood in foster homes, growing up on the unforgiving streets of NYC, peddling fake acid at rock shows, Hare Krishna scams (Retarded Wheelchair Santa without a doubt being the most outrageous), working as a roadie for notorious DC punk/reggae band Bad Brains, and of course all things good, bad, and ugly about fronting what is arguably the most influential hardcore band of all time. A charismatic story-teller, JJ has been known to share with his audience some of the wildest excerpts from his book, The Evolution of a Cro-Magnon (available through PUNKHOuse), so if you think you know anything about NYHC don't sleep on this.

The Cro-Mags have gained a cult following ever since the release of their record The Age of Quarrel in '86, and paved the way for countless hardcore and metal bands over the years. More than a dozen line-up changes and one of hardcore's longest-lasting feuds later, an all-star incarnation of the Cro-Mags is scheduled to tear up Europe in March, supported by Strength Approach from Italy. The latest line-up consists of former Cro-Mags drummer ('82-'86) Mackie Jayson, Sick Of It All's bassist Craig Setari, A.J. Novello from Leeway playing guitar, and John Joseph on vocals.

Lastly, JJ doesn't like to waste any time, and in between writing vegetarian cookbooks and movie scripts will return to Europe with his band Bloodclot! (featuring members of Biohazard, Merauder and Pro-Pain) this Summer. Hellfest has confirmed that the NYC-based band will be playing alongside '80s heavy metal band Manowar(!), the legendary Pentagram, Kansas City hardcore/metal formation Coalesce, grindcore heroes Napalm Death and about a million other awesome bands at this year's edition of the three-day festival in France.

(image) Obama is a two-faced liar. Aw-RIGHT! Republicans are right. President Barack Obama treated them like dirt, didn't give a damn what they thought about his stimulus package, loaded it with a bunch of programs that will last for years and will never leave the budget, is giving away money disguised... more

Obama is a two-faced liar. Aw-RIGHT!

Republicans are right. President Barack Obama treated them like dirt, didn't give a damn what they thought about his stimulus package, loaded it with a bunch of programs that will last for years and will never leave the budget, is giving away money disguised as "tax refunds," and is sneaking in huge changes in policy, from schools to health care, using the pretext of an economic emergency.

Way to go, Mr. O! Mr. Down-and-Dirty Chicago pol. Street-fightin' man. Covering over his break-your-face power play with a "we're all post-partisan friends" BS.

And it's about time.

Frankly, I was worried about this guy. Obama's appointing Clinton-droids to the Cabinet, bloated incompetents like Larry Summers as "Economics Czar," made me fear for my country, that we'd gotten another Democrat who wished he were a Republican.

Then came Obama's money bomb. The House bill included $125 billion for schools (TRIPLING federal spending on education), expanding insurance coverage to the unemployed, making the most progressive change in the tax code in four decades by creating a $500 credit against social security payroll deductions, and so on.

It's as if Obama dug up Ronald Reagan's carcass and put a stake through The Gipper's anti-government heart. Aw-RIGHT!

About the only concession Obama threw to the right-wing trogs was to remove the subsidy for condoms, leaving hooker-happy GOP Senators, like David Vitter, to pay for their own protection. S'OK with me.

And here's the proof that Bam is The Man: Not one single Republican congressman voted for the bill. And that means that Obama didn't compromise, the way Clinton and Carter would have, to win the love of these condom-less jerks.

And we didn't need'm. Nyah! Nyah! Nyah!

Now I understand Obama's weird moves: dinner with those creepy conservative columnists, earnest meetings at the White House with the Republican leaders, a dramatic begging foray into Senate offices. Just as the Republicans say, it was all a fraud. Obama was pure Chicago, Boss Daley in a slim skin, putting his arms around his enemies, pretending to listen and care and compromise, then slowly, quietly, slipping in the knife. All while the media praises Obama's "post-partisanship." Heh heh heh.

Love it. Now we know why Obama picked that vindictive little viper Rahm Emanuel as staff chief: everyone visiting the Oval office will be greeted by the Windy City hit man who would hack up your grandma if you mess with the Godfather-in-Chief.

I don't know about you, but THIS is the change I've been waiting for.

Will it last?

We'll see if Obama caves in to more tax cuts to investment bankers. We'll see if he stops the sub-prime scum-bags from foreclosing on frightened families. We'll see if he stands up to the whining, gormless generals who don't know how to get our troops out of Iraq. (In SHIPS, you doofuses!)

Look, don't get your hopes up. But it may turn out the new President's...a Democrat!


Greg Palast's investigative reports for BBC and Rolling Stone can be seen at www.GregPalast.com. . Palast is the author of New York Times bestsellers The Best Democracy Money Can Buy and Armed Madhouse.

(image) It’s quite amusing to watch the Screen Actors Guild break out into a full-blown civil war, with an undemocratic coup thrown in, all while trying to negotiate a contract with a formidable enemy. When this is all wrapped up and rich actors have destroyed the ability of middle class actors... more

It’s quite amusing to watch the Screen Actors Guild break out into a full-blown civil war, with an undemocratic coup thrown in, all while trying to negotiate a contract with a formidable enemy. When this is all wrapped up and rich actors have destroyed the ability of middle class actors to make a living in the future, a book or two should be written to illustrate how not to conduct a contract negotiation. We are witnessing an epic failure and the villains are quite obvious: Amy Brenneman, Kate Walsh, Ken Howard, Ned Vaughn, James Cromwell and Adam Arkin and their pals.

I should disclose that I am a member of SAG and make a decent wage as an actor, but I’m not one of the actors affected by this contract. I have no dog in this fight. I don’t much like acting in TV shows or movies because I don’t like homework. The amount of time wasted preparing to get a chance to get an audition to get a part is not worth it, in my opinion. I only act in commercials and am quite happy doing so. No studying, no preparation, just walk in, act like an idiot and off you go. It’s a pretty easy way to make money and I don’t have to spend a day sitting in a chair next to shocking assholes like James Spader. Seriously, he is one of the worst human beings I have ever worked with. William Shatner, on the other hand, is a peach.

If you were paying attention to the entertainment news Monday, you would have noticed SAG fired its chief negotiator. They then replaced him with a guy who is known for working with producers. You know, the other side. The enemy, as it were. His quickly released his first public comments as national executive director.

Oh. Here’s a small bit of information. A union’s only power comes from the threat of shutting down business. Without the threat of a strike, unions don’t really have much to use during negotiations. It’s pretty much the first chapter in Union Negotiations for Retards. Actors like Kate Walsh and Amy Brenneman (who appear together in the piece of shit that is Private Practice) just took away any power SAG may have to get a decent contract. Oddly, Amy is a producer and Kate is married to a studio executive. Who would have known?

So, how did these morons come into power? Here’s where SAG becomes an amusing farce of a union. They were elected. They ran against the current SAG leadership in September and won. Fair and square, right? The democratic process, is it? Sort of. If you looked at the candidates and the winners, you’d notice one thing: Only famous people won. It had nothing to do with policies and stances, it was only about fame.

Sad and pathetic. The vast majority of actors in the union make little to no money and they voted for famous people, without considering their views. Now they are about to be destroyed by the new board, which only seems to care about the interest of rich actors. Sounds like a certain country named America over the past 28 years, doesn’t it? The little guy voting for the people who will fuck him over the most, over and over again.

Kate, Adam and Amy have a name for their group – Unite for Strength. It’s Orwellian and could have been dreamed up by the great Karl Rove. When Unite for Strength first formed, they wanted to introduce “qualified voting.” That would have eliminated actors who haven’t worked much in the past five years from voting on a contract. That’s called “Uniting,” I guess. The National SAG Board voted to send a strike authorization to members. Now, the negotiators would have a big weapon to hold over the heads of the studios.

Wait, hold on. The economy went into the shitter. Amy and Kate and their minions saw an opening. They took their fight pubic. They placed ads in papers and gave interviews, completely splitting the union (the dumbest thing you can to during a negotiation). There's this crazy saying, "United We Stand, Divided We Fall." You'd have to be a fucking idiot not to understand the "divided" part. So, the group held an unconstitutional meeting in New York, during which the president of SAG and Dave Allen, the lead negotiator, were chastised and vilified. They also sort of forgot to invite actors on the New York Board who supported Allen, like Eric Begosian. It was pretty much a Salem Witch Trial sort of affair.

Now the membership was in a tizzy. Actors creating drama, who knew that would happen? Unite for Strength demanded the National Board rescind the strike authorization vote. More meetings were held. Lots of screaming and yelling. So, Allen agreed to rescind the vote and he also said SAG should send the contract offer to the membership for a vote. That’s called a compromise. Turns out he can negotiate. Seems extremely fair, right? Nope.

Unite for Strength then held a meeting to oust Allen two weeks ago. Well, they didn't actually hold the meeting to oust Allen, they were asked point blank if that was their intention and they said "No." It was just an ordinary business meeting. But once it started, they introduced a motion to oust Allen –– that way no one could prepare a defense for him. Some SAG leadership filibustered the meeting using procedural moves. Seriously, all this shit happened DURING a contract negotiation. How do you think negotiations are going?

Finally, on Monday, the board voted to remove Allen.

Oooooo. A “task force.” Nothing instills confidence like replacing a negotiating committee with a task force. (Insert picture of studio heads laughing, drinking champagne and doing blow off hookers asses.)

Insane narcissism.

And that’s why SAG is a farce of a union. If this were a real union, people like Amy Brennerman and Kate Walsh would fear for their lives, as God intended. Did I mention they implemented new rules forbidding the President of SAG from speaking to the press on the union's behalf? Yeah, they president of the union cannot speak to the media. Brilliant. The elected leader of the union has been muted. I wonder if that will cause half the union to become enraged. Hey, I did mention all this is happening during a contract negotiation, right?

The worst part of this entire story is that Unite for Strength is using this contract negotiation stalemate to undermine the union in hopes of merging with AFTRA. Yes, they are making SAG less powerful to merge it with a shockingly ineffective union. It’s mind-boggling how fucking stupid these people are. AFTRA has tried to merge with SAG 17 times over the years. And 17 times, the SAG membership has said no. So, obviously the best thing to do is to use backhanded maneuvers to push a SAG-AFTRA merger. But that is the Unite for Strength endgame. Unfortunately, it’s one that will fail.

You’re going to hear a lot of crazy shit about SAG from here on out. In the end, this will be an epic fail for the Hollywood history books. This is the death of a union. Just remember the names of the people who killed it: Amy Brenneman, Kate Walsh, Ken Howard, Ned Vaughn, James Cromwell and Adam Arkin.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

What Suicide Girls are putting on...and taking off... Daring or dorky, plaid has had a distinctly checkered past. But there's nothing square about the way SuicideGirls wear this bold tartan pattern. (image) (image) (image) (image) (image) (image) (image) (image) (image) (image) (image) (image) Notes:... more

What Suicide Girls are putting on...and taking off...

Daring or dorky, plaid has had a distinctly checkered past. But there's nothing square about the way SuicideGirls wear this bold tartan pattern.



























Notes: Plaid Equals the Sum of Fashion Squared

We love this sexed-up and laced-up Slash 'N' Burn pencil kilt with oversize grommet detail ($44.50 from FindCoolClothes.com). • Get an angle on comfy with this basic boyfriend buttondown shirt with classic curved hem ($48.00 from UrbanOutfitters.com). * Cut corners with this cute capsleeved jacket ($19.80 from Forever21.com). * These Sugar Rockband lace-up tarten knee-high boots are bold and well red ($80 from Zappos.com). * This Bradford fleece jacket with quilted body liner and detachable sherpa zip hood looks hot -- and warm ($88 from Hurely.com) * For a touch of plaid with minimal investment, try this buffalo scarf with fringed edges, which comes in six colorways ($4.50 from Forever21.com).


Check back each Wednesday for more Dirty Laundry and let SuicideGirls show you the best way to (un)dress.

If there's a thread that links this particular group of artists to explore, it's that they're all storytellers that have carved out their own space and narrative, flipping conventions expected of their culture, class or position into delightful surprises. Mark Growden Sextet I encountered... more

If there's a thread that links this particular group of artists to explore, it's that they're all storytellers that have carved out their own space and narrative, flipping conventions expected of their culture, class or position into delightful surprises.



Mark Growden Sextet

I encountered the musical stylings of San Francisco's Mark Growden for the first time at a recent "Unholiday Party" for Laughing Squid, a hub intersecting the astonishingly creative tech and art communities of the Bay Area. On this evening, Growden was with his Trio, a truncated version of his Sextet, playing the handlebars - yes, handlebars, as in the ones that grace a bicycle, but this multi-instrumentalist also rocks the accordion, banjo, lap steel guitar and saxophone. Look for his albums on iTunes and watch this live performance of Mark Growden Sextet playing "Coyote," which highlights Growden's melancholic flair for storytelling that seems to come from another era:





Thunderheist

A Canadian duo that met through MySpace of all places, Thunderheist (MC Isis and producer Grahm Zilla) storm dancefloors with a world-wise blend of booty-shaking sounds that borrow from big London rave basslines, risqué Dirty South rhymes and hyperkinetic Baltimore beats. Isis is a fierce woman who isn't afraid to give the boys a taste of their own medicine, flipping what might sound misogynistic in their mouths into something sassy in hers. She's taking back the night, as it were. Check out how the self-proclaimed "Black Kate Moss" and her masked crusading keyboardist get down in "Little Booty Girl":





Free Blood

Brooklyn's Free Blood (Madeleine Davy and John Pugh) prefer their electronic pop on the playful side. Davy and Pugh are microphone marauders, first and foremost, pushing their instrument beyond usual expectations with forays into texturizing and beatboxing. Watch "The Royal Family" and see if you aren't as mesmerized by these noble experiments in the bottom-end, with big beats and arresting vocals:





B.o.B.

Bobby Ray (aka B.o.B.) got a record deal right out of high school, which was barely two years ago, and has been honing his songwriting and performing skills on the road ever since. He is poised to release his debut album The Adventures of B.o.B. in the first half of 2009 via Grand Hustle/Atlantic, the label helmed by multi-platinum rapper T.I. (who features B.o.B. alongside himself and Ludacris on his most recent hit album Paper Trail).

A multi-instrumentalist who can sing, rap and relate to a wide cross-section of people with his subject matter, B.o.B. has drawn comparisons to fellow Atlanta native Andre 3000 of OutKast and has recently been in the studio with 3000's partner Big Boi.

B.o.B.'s latest single "I'll Be in The Sky" rides an infectious piano refrain over his musings about the fragile importance of life:

The song has been given a vibrant, cinematic video by director Gabriel Hart and, of course, B.o.B. himself:



B.o.B.'s got real potential to go far because he isn't limiting himself to the boundaries of the rap world, even though it has been his early adopter. (He even sampled Amy Winehouse for his song "Grip Yo Body.") While his leftfield sensibility might be evident from the official video for "I'll Be in The Sky," another dimension is illuminated through this acoustic version of "Lovelier Than You," which he performed live on guitar last month at Atlanta's "Almost Famous" showcase:





Tamara Palmer is SuicideGirls' New Music Editor. During a decade and a half of DJing and writing about music professionally, she has found particular pleasure in championing new artists and sounds. Her work has appeared in outlets such as the Associated Press, Wired, and SF Weekly. She is a former editor of URB and the author of the book, Country Fried Soul: Adventures in Dirty South Hip-Hop.

One of the boldest decisions ever made on Lost was to kill off their most intriguing character early in Season 2 -- the manipulative, drop-dead gorgeous beach bunny Shannon Rutherford. In the three years since her character was shot dead in a simple case of mistaken identity, 25 year-old Maggie Grace... more

One of the boldest decisions ever made on Lost was to kill off their most intriguing character early in Season 2 -- the manipulative, drop-dead gorgeous beach bunny Shannon Rutherford. In the three years since her character was shot dead in a simple case of mistaken identity, 25 year-old Maggie Grace has gone on to become a card-carrying member of Young Hollywood, landing a number of diverse starring roles in The Fog, Suburban Girl and The Jane Austen Book Club while also reportedly flirting with roles in major superhero films. Later this year she'll be Alice in Malice in Wonderland, a re-imagining of Lewis Carroll's classic set in a criminal underworld, and this week sees her starring in Taken as the daughter of a highly-trained government operative played by Liam Neeson, whose vacation to Paris is cut short by an organized kidnapping ring.

SuicideGirls recently met up with Maggie in Manhattan to talk about her budding career.

Ryan Stewart: So, I promised myself I wouldn't badger you for Lost theories since I'm sure you still get that at every dinner party.

Maggie Grace: Yeah, pretty often and no matter what country. It's kind of a great equalizer in some ways. I'm not very well-versed, to be honest.

RS: It certainly got you out there, though. I hear you're getting caught up in a lot of superhero movie auditions these days.

MG: I've had a few run-ins, but what I love is when there's an added human twist. I liked the one that Liam did a lot.

RS: You mean Darkman? That was a while ago.

MG: Yeah, something with an interesting twist. I don't know if it's ever coming out because of the legal battle, but I thought that Watchmen was a really cool script. It's sort of like, we're all down and out and disillusioned by life, as opposed to the bright and shiny, 'I wake up and I have superpowers!' thing. I prefer Batman, because he wasn't born with superpowers. He's left to his own devices.

RS: I read a news story last week about real superheroes cropping up. People in Los Angeles are putting on costumes and going out to fight crime.

MG: Nighttime vigilantes? That's funny. I had this argument with a five year-old last week -- the son of a friend I'm staying with -- and I think that Batman really came out ahead [of heroes with supernatural powers], after our long conversation about it. He's a big Spider-Man fan, but Batman has to come up with his own stuff. He has to use gadgets and he has to really think his way through things.

RS: Your character in Taken is certainly no hero -- she's such a victim she's almost retro. She doesn't fight back at all, just waits for someone to come save her.

MG: Well, I think she's pretty drugged up. As much as I do like to see strong female heroines, the reality of this situation, of this industry, is more horrific than we could ever portray. The deck is so stacked against these women, whether you're a survivor, a tough girl, or from a very sheltered existence in Los Angeles. I think that with her extreme youth, she's so unprepared for a situation like this. I wasn't offended by it, as much as I like to see good, strong female characters. I felt that at least she still had some stronger qualities, you know. Her femininity wasn't mocked. She wasn't completely flimsy or oversexed or stupid or any of those things. She's just a very young girl.

RS: That scene where they haul you out for the rich men's auction was very Hostel. You just have to stand there and be bid on. What did you bring to that scene -- the clothes?

MG: [laughs] Are you asking if that's what I have laying around my house for Friday nights? Like, did I make the clothing?

RS: No, that's not what I meant, I'm just wondering what you can add to a scene where you have to stand silently.

MG: That was actually my first day on set in France, so it was an interesting way to meet a whole crew. I think the character was just so mentally removed and smacked out of her mind that it was a little easier for me. I understand that young girls are doing this on eBay of their own free will and I can't understand after doing that scene why and how that would be the case.

RS: Did you learn anything about professional kidnapping rings for real? I'm sure they exist in most countries.

MG: It's much worse than anything we touch upon in the film. The reality of it isn't usually, you know, well-protected, traveling American girls but completely vulnerable prepubescent girls in Cambodia, or places like that in much of South Asia. But even in the States, yeah, they recently found a ring outside of New Jersey that was pretty bad. There have been some pretty horrible cases right here in our own back yard.

RS: How did you get your adrenaline up for the scene where people are bursting through your hotel room door and physically grabbing you?

MG: For me, it's just more concentration and investment. I think we all have fears and nightmares of those sorts of situations, so there's a lot to draw on. And also in those kinds of situations I like to have an iPod on set, so if takes are back to back to back you can keep the energy up, whether it's take two or take fifteen.

RS: What kind of music gets you pumped up? Heavy metal?

MG: It depends, but Radiohead is one of my favorite bands of all time, not so much for lazing around the house, but more for that reason -- I find it very visceral. I recently saw them live for the second time at the Outside Lands festival in San Francisco and it was just so transcendent. I really, really love their stuff and I think sometimes it draws out other facets [of me], I suppose.

RS: Of course, the downside of being kidnapped in a film is that you're going to be absent for the next hour of screen time.

MG: [laughs] In this case it was a very happy thing, shooting in Paris! Of course, let's just say that sharing any kind of screen time with Liam Neeson, I'm gonna be thrilled. I would be the spear bearer in the background if I could. In situations where you're working with people you really admire, it's of no consequence. If anything, it's more like the less you have to focus on, the less nights of sleep you're going to lose hoping that you don't screw something up. So having the middle, with a lot of the car chases and stuff, free, means I can start to learn French and go around Paris with my friends and become an expert in beef tartare, learn to make a souffle, hang out.

RS: As an action movie fan, I'd rather hang around on set. Didn't you want to watch them film car chases and shoot-outs?

MG: Yeah, for sure. I'm sure you've spent a decent amount of time on sets, but I think people are always shocked to realize just how much downtime there actually is. So, yeah, I would definitely visit occasionally, but Paris has its own charms.

RS: So you're open to returning to the action genre one day?

MG: Yeah, for sure and relating to your earlier question, as much as I don't mind playing the ingenue, especially when it's in company of such incredible caliber, it would be incredible to do some of my own stunts next time. And with this one it was really fun to see the way a French film shoots, since this was largely a French crew.

RS: I think Oliver Stone once said that French film crews are lazy.

MG: I certainly wouldn't say that. Obviously in a country with a 35-hour work week, Sarkozy or no, it's a different viewpoint that you have to come from, culturally, but they work incredibly hard in that amount of hours. Also, it's a little different as far as in that, our unions have so many rules about which department can do what. You can't step on any toes, and for good reason, but I think there it's such a small community that it's more like, if something needs doing you just step up and do it, whether it's your department or not. Everyone's worked together many times and there's a shorthand there. I really liked it, but yeah, they also do enjoy life a bit more as they go. I've worked twenty-four hour days in the States before. You can see the sun come up more than once on a film set. I'm sure there's a happy medium.

RS: Did you ever have the opportunity to pick Liam Neeson's brain for advice on acting? Not that you need any.

MG: Of course I do! All the time. Yeah, it would be tempting to pick his brain. I don't know if he's the exception to the rule, but I've certainly found that the more successful someone is, and when it's really based on substance as his success is, and the person has proven it time and time again, then there's some security there. He can really afford to be open and gracious and giving. It's the people who are worried about their position or they're new and too terrified not to overcompensate that will treat people badly, the crew or anyone like that. But it's lovely to be around him.

RS: And with Pierre Morel busy hanging out of windows to get his shots, I'm sure he left you to your own devices a lot of the time.

MG: He gave us a great deal of independence and somebody like Liam obviously comes to it with a lot already in place -- as I strive to do myself -- but one thing that was really wonderful about Pierre was that he really did take the time and was very conscious of that side of it, too. But he's so hands-on and I know that for Liam, doing so many takes that were so physically demanding, it's really great to have that kind of spirit from your director. Liam might be running for fifty takes, but so is Pierre with the camera on his back. I mean, we had Steadicam operators but he was still very much a part of it, in the trenches with you. Also, he was an incredibly accomplished DP and a camera operator in his own right forever, before he even began directing and it was really great to see his attention to detail. He was a consummate professional. It's great to see someone who cares so much about detail in an industry where the latest music video director is sometimes given a movie, whether he has a vision for it or not.

RS: You've got Malice in Wonderland coming out soon -- that's kind of like a Guy Ritchie crime film, right?

MG: Yeah, Malice with an M. It's a British indie, really offbeat and kind of bizarre at some points, but it's a riff on the Alice tale. Each character is a bizarre, modern analogy to an Alice character, so, like, instead of a caterpillar with the hookah there's a drug dealer named Cat, with a hooker. It's definitely a little off the wall, but it was a lot of fun and there were some great British and Irish character actors. Danny Dyer was a lot of fun, he taught me some good Cockney phrases.

RS: I didn't realize that Cockney was still going strong.

MG: It is truly alive and well, a language unto itself. It's the rhyming substitution thing that people are probably familiar from, like, Michael Caine. Some of it doesn't really translate, but for example, you call a car a haddock. There's a phrase called "haddock and bloater," which rhymes with motor, which means car, and sometimes it's like eight steps removed, so it takes a while to catch up. I would really compare it to learning French. It's complex, but interesting. And I've got a heist film lined up.

RS: Who's gonna be in that?

MG: Burt Reynolds. He plays kind of an aging crime boss. It's a first time director, but he's got some cool ideas.

RS: Looking forward to it.



Taken opens in theaters nationwide on January 30.

The right wing has had a jerk off torture fantasy going for the past 7 years. Despite all contrary evidence, they believe we have Jack Bauers running about, saving us on a daily basis. Sadly, they don't have any facts to back up their masturbatory thoughts of human suffering. And now Barack Obama... more

The right wing has had a jerk off torture fantasy going for the past 7 years. Despite all contrary evidence, they believe we have Jack Bauers running about, saving us on a daily basis. Sadly, they don't have any facts to back up their masturbatory thoughts of human suffering. And now Barack Obama has done the unthinkable! With his pen, Obama eliminated torture and US torture camps. Naturally, the right wing can’t believe this is happening. I mean, has the president seen the fictional show 24? This shit is going down all the time!

Meanwhile, there are many people, myself included, who would like Bush and members of his administration prosecuted for war crimes. The right disagrees.They want to go back to the old ways. Check out Kit Bond last week.



Since torture is a war crime and is clearly illegal, these men should not be allowed to debate torture while using new, exciting words to describe it. They should be scolded and asked only one question: “Which of Jesus’ teachings support torture?” That would end of discussion rather quickly. And you can follow with, “Whom would Jesus torture?”

Many of these idiots think we are constantly in danger like in the fictional show 24. They repeatedly bring up 24 and the ticking time bomb scenario. Did I mention 24 is a fictional show? As in “Made up.” “Written.” “Not real.” But time after time, they claim the ticking clock scenario is why we need to torture.

Here’s how events transpire in the real world.

BOOM.

"Whoa. We should find out who did that."

or

"We’re going to blow some shit up."

"When?"

"In a year."

"You’re busted."

"Why?"

"You were talking about it for like a year."

Not much happens between those two scenarios, but the right wing would like you to believe the NOT REAL show 24[i/] is real. So, in celebration of the right wing thought process, I would like to introduce you to 10 television scenarios we, as Americans, need to pretend are real. It’s a list! The Internet loves lists! It’s the Internet’s first hacky formula and I’m embracing it! You don’t have to mess with transitions and idiots can easily grasp the body of your message! Yay! Lists!

1. Three’s Company: If we just tell all the terrorists we are gay, then we will be able to live here without them bothering us. As long as the Taliban isn’t working on the plumbing in the bathroom down in Mexico and they don’t hear our conversation about a girl we are dating through a pipe, all will be well. Sure, it sounds crazy, but it is as plausible and realistic as the ticking time bomb scenario. That makes it awesome!

2. Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Obviously, we have to keep the Hellmouth closed. That means we have to ward off blood sacrifices on the seal. To do that, we have to make sure a girl can kill people in the streets. Just one girl per town, mind you. Strangely, a Hellmouth opening is more plausible than the 24 ticking time bomb scenario. Go figure.

3. Lost: We need to begin life saving surgery on powerful people, then stop in the middle and make demands. If people don’t do what we want, we let the patient die. Totally effective and happens all the fucking time. Do not outlaw this Obama, as it happens all the time and the CIA has saved tons of lives.

4. The Shield: Why can’t cops use hand grenades to kill other cops? I’ve been asking this question since the War on Terror began and I still don’t have a reasonable answer. As a tactic, it is comparable to the ticking time bomb scenario torture in effectiveness. How would a cop killing another cop with a hand grenade save us from terrorists? Obviously, that’s classified. But it needs to happen.

5. Star Trek: We build a Doomsday Machine that moves around the universe destroying plants. Why is that not happening and why is it not legal? One question: If a Doomsday Machine destroyed the planet would there be terrorism? The answer is “no.” Let’s make this shit happen. Commodore Decker was onto something, just like Jack Bauer.

6. Battlestar Gallactica: Tell me again why we can’t rape Cylons? That’s what I though; you don’t have an answer. It’s the only way to get information out of them –– even though it doesn't work.

7. Heroes: We should be allowed to set people on fire and freeze others to death. Imagine creating a show where you had one person able to create fire and another ice and you don’t have them battle. What an epic failure of a show runner you would be. Just that one example shows the inherent flaws in the creator’s ability to mine his characters for dramatic effect. Anyway, setting people on fire to get info would really help with terrorists. At least that’s what right wing lunatics think. I know this because they also think people like Jack Bauer are real.

8. Soap: No scenario here, I just wanted you tools to know that Arrested Development was a stolen idea.

9. WKRP: Throw live turkeys out of helicopters. I have no idea how this would be used to save lives, but it seems a bit more exciting and as applicable as what happens in 24.

10. Mama’s Family: Seriously. Make terrorists watch it. Over and over.

So, there are ten scenarios or tactics that can be used to save us from terrorists. Like 24, they are totally made up and therefore we can pretend like they will save us from bad people.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Later today, after the sun has risen on Ottawa, Prime Minister Stephen Harper will present what may be his last Throne Speech as PM. Canadian “news” sources would have us believe that there are major dominion-wide, bail-out dollars to be had for failing industries, and that this will solve... more

Later today, after the sun has risen on Ottawa, Prime Minister Stephen Harper will present what may be his last Throne Speech as PM. Canadian “news” sources would have us believe that there are major dominion-wide, bail-out dollars to be had for failing industries, and that this will solve all of our nation’s economic woes. Resource development will continue apace, and, if we invest our wee dividends appropriately, we, as nation, may just make it out of this whole “economic dealy” in the black. But really, who are they shitting?

With plans to run deficits in the multiple-dozen billion dollar range every year for the Tories foreseeable term, the Canadian people will be up to their necks in a deep pile of shitty debt by the time this economic “turmoil” has sorted itself out, or the Tories are booted from office, whichever blessing arrives first. Meanwhile, Stephen Harper and his publicly-subsidized pack of lackeys will be drawing fat pensions from our pay-cheques while we slave away, day after day, ad infinitum. Seriously, is this the sort of future any Canadian wants?

For their part, the Liberal Party, with new interim leader Michael Ignatieff at the helm of their sinking ship, claim they will not let the PM “skate by with a passing grade.” I take this promise with a massive grain of salt, though it could just be the years of bitterness and anger I’ve pent up against the Liberas that makes me believe they won’t do shit on Tuesday, coalition agreement be damned. Even with a clear head, I wouldn’t give more than a 25% chance, at absolute ballsiest-best, that they’ll vote to defeat the Conservatives over the upcoming budget.

The NDP, however, I’m certain will vote unanimously against the budget, and with good reason. The Conservatives are the enemy of Canada’s working people (and, I would argue, the majority of citizens as well), and if the NDP vote with Harper’s government on anything, from this point on, I swear to Christ I will deny them my vote, as I’ve denied the Liberals mine, until the day I die. I’m sure, though, that Pat Martin will hold onto my vote for another day, as the dirty deeds of Harper & Co. are far too foul, at this point, to forgive.

Just this past Thursday, in fact, a leaked memo from the Conservatives was revealed by NDP environment critic Linda Duncan regarding a planned bill which would eliminate environmental assessments for projects on government land valued at $10 million dollars or less, a move which fits nicely into the Conservatives proposal to increase spending on federal infrastructure projects. If the NDP vote goes along with any of Harper’s backward schemes, regardless of “economic climate,” then they aren’t worth shit as representatives of Canada’s “progressive” Left, and ought to be abandoned along with the Liberal Party, to disappear, in shame, off the radar.

Earlier this past evening, as I was celebrating Robbie Burns Day with a dram of scotch, I had no takers in a bet regarding Harper’s fall. I was hoping someone would back the non-confidence front, but no dice. This, really, is no surprise, but I was in the sporting mood. NDP MP Pete Stoffer is a man whose thinking parallels mine here, or perhaps mine mimics his own? Regardless, he was quoted on the CBC saying, “If I was a betting man, I would say this honestly, I have a feeling the budget may be allowed to pass.”

I am not taking any more bets on this issue, however, I have the day off Tuesday, and have not much planned besides securing a case of Lucky Lager, rolling some joints, and listening over the radio as the deal goes down, or doesn’t. With luck, it won’t, but, realistically, I’ll be shocked to shit if it doesn’t.


Dean Jensen lives in Winnipeg, and also writes for The Manitoban.

For five years, Hugh Laurie has had to defend the character he plays on television. As the star of Fox's House, Laurie still finds viewers, be they fans or critics, asking him questions about Dr. Gregory House's often unpleasant demeanor. Why does he have to be so mean? Are you saying it's... more

For five years, Hugh Laurie has had to defend the character he plays on television. As the star of Fox's House, Laurie still finds viewers, be they fans or critics, asking him questions about Dr. Gregory House's often unpleasant demeanor. Why does he have to be so mean? Are you saying it's okay to be rude if you save lives? But despite his questionable bedside manner, House continues to be a ratings winner -- one of the reasons perhaps being that his obnoxiousness is administered with an equal dose of humor.

This is no surprise for those who know where Laurie comes from. An education in comedy at Cambridge University's Footlights lead to a hugely popular BBC sketch show, A Bit of Fry and Laurie. The show co-starred Laurie's longtime comedy partner Stephen Fry, and ran for four seasons in the U.K., though, unlike Monty Python, which was also spawned by the Footlights, it never made the leap over the pond. Still mining the comedic vein, Laurie played an archetypal upper-class twit called George opposite Rowan Atkinson's exceedingly evil Edmund Blackadder in Blackadder the Third and Blackadder Goes Forth. Laurie's breakthrough role as Mr. Fredrick Little in Columbia Pictures' family-friendly film Stewart Little gave Laurie his first mainstream hit in the U.S. as a leading man, and also proved that he could pull off the American accent he would later call on with House.

This year, Fox is rearranging the furniture, moving House, which is now half-way through its fifth season, to Monday nights. 2008's final episode had House make the uncharacteristically thoughtful gesture of buying the object of his "affection" -- Dr. Cuddy (played by Lisa Edelstein) -- her old medical school desk for her new office. Expect that to pay off with more romantic tension in the upcoming weeks.

With the show midway through production, Laurie is still dressed like House for our interview in jeans and a sport coat, with stubble perfectly maintained by Hollywood stylists. Off duty, however, Laurie's real voice and posture make him a distinctly different person; The abrasive voice is replaced by a calming lull, and those listening to it find themselves looking up constantly during conversation, since there's no camera bringing the viewer up to Laurie's rather elevated eye level.

Question: Why do people care if House is nice? If he can save their life, can't he be as mean as he wants?

Hugh Laurie: I don't know the answer to that. I suppose because doctors, holding as they do the power of life and death, patients are already sufficiently unnerved...To then be in that relationship with a human being who doesn't appear to treat his responsibilities with any great sense of delicacy is I suppose unsettling. It frightens people. Here is a guy with this power to save lives and he is not subject to the normal social niceties. Maybe that's rather threatening.

Q: Does it surprise you that five years in, we're still discussing this?

HL: It's surprised me every step of the way: five shows in, five days in. I'm constantly surprised.

Q: Forget about all the medicine. House is the funniest show on television. How do you approach the comedy?

HL: I shouldn't be saying this. I'm going to let you say this, but I agree with you. I love it. Every script I find hilariously funny. Some of the wittiest things I've ever read. I just relish it. It's part of what makes House to some degree forgivable. I think his wit and his playfulness go some way towards mitigating his frankly clumsy social skills.

Q: It shows respect that he thinks you're smart enough to understand what he's insinuating.

HL: Right, that's true. That's true. You can never accuse him of patronizing anyone. He's gloves off right from the start. He's not going to go gently on anybody. That's true.

Q: Do you get more positive fanfare for Dr. House or negative?

HL: Well, because Dr. House's moral failings, or his social failings anyway, are all mitigated by his skills as a doctor. If he was even one percent less skillful, he would be simply intolerable. So really I think a lot of people are saying, "I wish there were someone there who I could count on to get to the answer, no matter what that person is like. They could be nice or not nice, but if they get to the answer, the answer's everything." When you're staring death in the face obviously, you want the best, irrespective of his nature.

Q: In the entertainment industry, have you seen brilliance as an excuse for bad behavior?

HL: Boy, that's a good question. Yes. I have. Not that often. I have more commonly seen bad behavior and thought, "Oh, you're not good enough to get away with that." But yes, I have. It's actually pretty rare. Oddly enough, my general experience is that most people on both sides of the camera are a pretty congenial and collaborative bunch. Prima donnas, I know there's this sort of popular picture of prima donnas stamping in and out of their trailers and refusing to do this, that and the other. I've actually not seen a lot of that. A couple of times but they're rare. I will of course give you their names directly after this.

Q: Is it excusable when they have the goods?

HL: It would not be excusable if you were, let's say, married to them or if you were trying to do business with them in some way. But as an audience member, yes, I have seen performances and thought to myself, "I don't really care what it cost that person or the people around that person to achieve that performance. That's a wonderful thing. That's a wonderful piece of music, or acting, or whatever it is." I have thought that was worth it. But of course I'm not the one who's had to pay the price for it.

Q: What is your level of interest between the case of the week and the overall story arcs?

HL: That's the awful challenge for these guys, the writers, to have those things in perfect balance, because the case every week must be a sufficiently intriguing and satisfying mystery, a structure on which they can hang everything else. And yet it can't be everything because that's not what the show is. The show is about much more than that, but that sort of central spine has to be there. It's very, very difficult, I imagine, to get the balance. It's incredible how frequently they manage to pull it off.

Q: You know, it's never the first thing they think it's going to be. Why don't they just rule out the first thing and save 10 minutes?

HL: Because we've got to fill 43 minutes. We could I suppose get it right the first time and then play cards for the rest of the show. Maybe we'll do that one day.

Q: What is going to happen with House and Cuddy?

HL: I honestly can't tell you very much because they don't tell me. I look about 10 minutes ahead in my life. That's usually the way I operate. It's partly a function of having so many problems to solve right that second that I actually have very little energy to project into the future and very little memory of what happened. Honestly, someone asked me just what happened in the last show and I honestly can't remember. I think I may be permanently brain damaged.

Q: How would you like it to go?

HL: Well, of course as fictional characters, as a viewer, I would want those characters to find some sort of peace. They're two lonely characters I would want to find some sort of peace. But as an actor, in some ways, I'm sort of less interested in what happens than in how it happens, because that seems to be David Shore's genius -- in the way of executing something. Someone once said, "Ideas are 10 a penny. It's all in the execution." It's all how it's done. For example, that kiss [earlier in the season] was just a beautifully written scene. It was an unconventional, unanticipated and rather beautiful moment. That's his skill so that's what I look for. I look for the how, not the what.

Q: Talking about House's voice, it's more than just an accent right? He doesn't just sound like you speaking American.

HL: I am only partially conscious. I had no plan. It wasn't a calculated plan. When I started doing the pilot and the first few shows I was sort of experimenting. The voice that I settled on, I just thought it was right. I can't really say why. It just came out that way. To begin with you are experimenting with fast, or slow, or high, or low. What sort of pitch? What sort of rhythm and volume? Is he a shouter or is he a whisperer? This is where I wound up, I can't really explain it.

Q: Is that a lot to think about because you also have the limp to focus on?

HL: There are days when it does slightly get on top of me, I must admit it. The peculiar thing about it is that it doesn't get any easier. This is what astonishes me because everything else you do in life, everything from making omelets or playing violin, get easier the more you do it. Not putting on an accent and I don't know why that is. There is something in ones brain that must resist it.

Q: Have you ever read anything in one of the scripts that is so outrageous even you have a hard time, like "How am I going to get away with this?"

HL: No. I think I never have read anything that was un-actable. I've read things that I thought, "Wow, this is going to be tough. We are going to have to get this right because if we don't this whole thing isn't going to work at all." But no, David Shore is just simply too smart a writer, as are his co-writers. They are just too smart to really hang anybody out to dry, as it were.

Q: Has anything ever made you hate him as a person?

HL: No, no. I completely agree that House is not an easy proposition. He may not even be morally a good man. But then, the truth is we don't only like the people who are morally good. Of all the friends we have, are they the 10 morally best people we ever met? No, of course they are not. That is not how we choose our friends. Thank God, because it would be a weird universe if we did.

Clearly this is a troubled character. There was an episode, one of my favorite moments in Star Trek, when Captain Kirk looks over the cosmos and says, "Somewhere out there someone is saying the three most beautiful words in any language." Of course you heart sinks and you think it's going to be, "I love you" or whatever. He says, "Please help me." What a philosophically fantastic idea, that vulnerability and need is a beautiful thing. Actually, House is a character in need of human contact and some kind of redemption. That "Please help me" aspect I think is an important element in the show.

(image) President Barack Obama is a nerd. A geek. A dork. Last March, he said: So, yeah... even though through scientific mishaps and misadventure, John Jameson wound up fighting Spidey in a special exoskeletal "Jupiter Suit," became the lycanthropic villain Man-Wolf, and morphed into the... more

President Barack Obama is a nerd. A geek. A dork.

Last March, he said:

Obama fulfilled the fanboy fantasy of flashing Leonard Nimoy the Vulcan salute, and on his now defunct official Senate web page, he posted an image of himself posing with the statue of Superman in Metropolis, Illinois. As a kid, he copied pictures of Spider-Man and Batman out of a friend's comic books and he even uses geek speak while decked out in formalwear.

Obama's such a Spider-Man fandork that Marvel Comics made him a character this month in Amazing Spider-Man # 583. Marvel's Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada said:

So, at the dawn of his presidency, SG would like to offer Mr. Obama a few important political lessons that can be learned from the adventures of everyone's favorite wall-crawler.


Ten Lessons Spider-Man Can Teach Our First Nerd President:


1. With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

This is self-explanatory, especially for the guy who's gonna be Commander-in-Chief...and who isn't a knuckle-walking fucktard from Crawford or a bald, pink Yeti from Wyoming who delights in the lubeless fisting of the Constitution.

While this is a lesson Spidey's taught millions of comic book readers, the idea mighta started as a presidential concept before it became as central to Spidey's mythology as the irradiated spider chomp that gave Peter his powers.

Comic book writer Mark Evanier tracked down a slew of antecedents for this idea, not the least of which comes from Teddy Roosevelt, who wrote in 1908:

And Teddy's cousin FDR said in his 1945 State of the Union address that:

FDR also wrote in a speech that he didn't live to deliver that:

And when JFK was President-Elect in January of 1961, he pinched a line from the Gospel of Luke when he said:

As this was just months before Spidey debuted in Amazing Fantasy # 15 (August, 1962), this might have been the kernel of the Spidey concept. In any case, if Spidey can be the means by which this idea swings back into the Oval Office after eight crushingly irresponsible, drunken frat boy-led years, so much the cooler.


2. Conflict Leads to Collateral Damage

The idea of "collateral damage" got staked through the skulls of Spider-Man fans in the early 1970s, in the days when footage of the Vietnam War got shown on the Six O'clock News...just in time for dinner -- or for cocaine and cocktails hour at the Champagne Unit of the Texas Air National Guard.

This was especially the case when elderly hero cop Captain Stacy, father of Peter's girlfriend Gwen, got crushed to death while pushing a toddler out of the way of falling debris knocked over during a fight between Spider-Man and Doctor Octopus (in The Amazing Spider-Man # 90, November, 1970). To a little kid, Captain Stacy's dying in Spider-Man's arms, calling him "Peter" and "Son" ('cuz he knew all along that Peter was Spider-Man!!) and telling him to take care of Gwen after he's gone had the heart-trampling impact of Lear.

And a few years later, when Gwen was knocked off a bridge by the Green Goblin, and Spider-Man caught her with his webbing only to find that the sudden whiplash had broken her neck... "tragic" gave way to "traumatic" (in The Amazing Spider-Man #122, June 1973).

There's still ambiguity over whether the Green Goblin had broken her neck before Gwen fell, or if the shock of the fall had killed her. But the idea that you can kill the person you're trying to save (even before they've had the chance to fulfill their moral obligation to greet you as a liberator) was a heavy one for a kid who'd just laid down 20 cents at the candy store for a quick four-color read.


3. How to Deal with Negative Press

Spidey's gotten some steel-toed scrotum kicks from the press, most especially in the form of rants from the editor of The Daily Bugle, J. Jonah Jameson, who also happens to be Peter Parker's boss.

Jameson's said in editorials and public lectures things like the following, from The Amazing Spider-Man #1:

JJJ himself mighta been proud to have come up with the famous, or infamous, insinuation made in the press last June that Obama's fist bumping with his wife Michelle at an event in St. Paul could have been a "terrorist fist jab."

Spidey's strategy for dealing with negative press has been to take it in stride. That is, when he didn't mope about it, and when he didn't famously quit in The Amazing Spider-Man # 50 –– "Spider-Man No More".

Taking bad press in stride the way Spidey (mostly) has works pretty well. Eventually the press comes around. Just look at how Spidey himself is the means by which Obama got the last word in on that fist jab, courtesy of the image above from The Amazing Spider-Man # 583, the special inauguration issue, which has been reprinted in a slew of newspapers over this past month. It's a pretty good re-spin of negative spin.


4. Your Old Mentors Can Be a Liability

Spidey's had a complex relationship with Dr. Curt Connors, both as Spider-Man and as Peter Parker.

Dr. Connors, who lost his right arm while attending fallen soldiers in a combat zone, treated Peter's Aunt May when she was sickened by a transfusion of Peter's radioactive blood. He helped Spider-Man face down the Rhino by coming up with a chemical agent that dissolved the Rhino's exoskeleton. Peter became Dr. Connor's teaching assistant. And Connors had a heart-to-heart with Spidey about facing down one's inner monsters after curing Spidey of a pesky medical condition -- the growth a few extra arms.

The downside to this relationship is that Connors, due to an effort to regenerate his lost arm, sometimes becomes the scaly supervillain the Lizard.

While Obama's former pastor, the Reverend Wright, has never done anything as bad as the Lizard, his comments donkey punched Obama's campaign and forced Obama to leave Wright's church, giving Atwater-y assholes attack ad ammo in the process.


5. It's Important to Support Public Education

I'll let Spider-Man director Sam Rami make a point for me. While addressing his decision to forgo Spidey's use of artificial web fluid, created by Peter and shot from web shooters of his own design, in favor of the movie's biological webs, Rami said:

But in the comics, a 17-year old science geek from Queens did invent web fluid and web shooters that 3M couldn't. Peter's also returned to his alma mater of Midtown High to teach science. If there are stronger endorsements for the public education, I can't think of it!


6. It's Important to Support Alternative Households

As a teen, the orphaned Peter Parker was raised alone by his (stunningly oblivious) Aunt May upon the death of his Uncle Ben. For years, Aunt May's fragile health was as constant and reliable a plot device ("If she finds out I'm Spider-Man, the shock will kill her!") in the pages of The Amazing Spider-Man as Scotty's limp-dicked dilithium crystals were on the original Star Trek.

The importance of supporting alternative households isn't something Obama needed to learn from Spider-Man, as he was partly raised by an older relative, his Grandmother "Toot", Madelyn Payne Dunham, who died just before Election Night. During his acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention, Obama said:

But the parallels between Peter's and Aunt May's life and Obama's certainly reinforce a sensitivity to the plight(s) of older people and kids living in alternative households, especially when it comes to health care, better than any pie-charted government report could.


7. Your Former Associates Can Be a Liability Too

As of this writing, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has been impeached for trying to sell Obama's vacant Senate seat and Blagojevich's choice for that seat, Roland Burris, had a pissing-out-kidney-stones hard time getting his credentials accepted by the Senate.

The tribble-topped Blagojevich's antics aren't as much of a liability as, say, Harry Osborn's getting his lobes scrambled by drugs, finding out his roommate Peter is Spider-Man (the person he blames for the death of his father Norman Osborn, the original Green Goblin), going bugfuck and becoming the new Green Goblin and blowing up the apartment he shares with Peter (seriously hurting Peter's gal Mary Jane in the process). While Blagojevich and Obama were never so close as to be roommates, the fact is, your long-time associates really can "taint" your ass sometimes.


8. Surveillance Issues Are Tricky

The USA PATRIOT Act, data mining, the government giving big bucks to cities and municipalities to set up new hidden camera systems, erosion of the FISA Court's authority... all open cans of legal and ethical worms. Obama told George Stephanopoulos, when referring to the people whose job it is to look over other people's shoulders, that:

Which brings me to another kind of worm, the Mindworm, aka William Turner, a mutant Spidey first encountered when Peter lost the lease to his fleabag apartment and had to crash at Flash Thompson's place on Far Rockaway. The Mindworm was the product of experiments in a government lab, and he spent his life probing his way into people's thoughts and feeding off of their mind's inner workings. William was so dependant on crawling around in people's heads, that when Spidey gave him a blow to the ears and "deafened" him to other people's thoughts, he freaked out because he couldn't stand the solitude of being alone in his own mind. William spent a lot of years on a bad downward slide, and died because he couldn't come to terms with his own constant inability to not intrude on other people's privacy.


9. War Veterans Need To Be Taken Care Of

Peter's nemesis at Midtown High was Eugene "Flash" Thompson, a jock who used to pick on the nerd he dubbed "Puny Parker," ironically, while also being Spider-Man's number one fan.

In the 1970s, Flash's story arc included a tour in Vietnam, with some attendant PTSD that led to Flash becoming an alcoholic.

Last year, Flash quit his job and enlisted in Iraq. Amazing Spider-Man writer Marc Guggenheim told the Los Angeles Times:

Flash's admiration for Spider-Man was such that while fighting in Mosul and with his legs shot to bloody rags, he carried a fellow soldier out of danger rather than be medevac'ed out and get immediate treatment that could have saved his own legs.

Peter stood by Flash when, after his first tour, he suffered the lasting effects of PTSD and alcoholism. Peter later shows support for Flash after he's wounded in Iraq by sending him a CARE package while he's being treated at a base hospital in Germany.

On a larger scale, Obama has pledged to reverse the 2003 legislation which stops modest-income veterans from receiving care from the Veterans' Administration. He's also vowed to establish a "zero tolerance" policy when it comes to allowing veteran war heroes to fall into homelessness. He has promised to smooth out the bureaucracy that impedes vets from getting their benefits. So, maybe guys like Flash will get just a bit of their due.


10. It's Important to Support the Development of New Technologies

Technology in Spidey's world goes wonky. Witness the advent of Doctor Octopus and the Sandman. But in the form of John Jameson, the astronaut son of J. Jonah Jameson, we have an old skool "Right Stuff/Roger Ramjet" hero who embodies something Obama thinks has been missing from the American imagination. Last March, Obama said:

So, yeah... even though through scientific mishaps and misadventure, John Jameson wound up fighting Spidey in a special exoskeletal "Jupiter Suit," became the lycanthropic villain Man-Wolf, and morphed into the superbeing known as Stargod (and as an aside, married Bruce Banner's wicked smart and urgently fuckable green-skinned cousin, Jennifer Walters, aka She-Hulk), he, through his place in the Spider-Man mythos, embodies that "can do" NASA mojo, that Obama talks about, and which has given the U.S. a real edge in the world technologically. The fact that Obama plans to create the first Cabinet-level post of Chief Technology Officer hints he's taken that "can do" outlook to heart.




© Michael Marano 2009.

Horror writer, pop culture commentator and film critic Michael Marano wrote "Inner Demons, Outer Heroes, Outer Villains: A Look at Monstrosity in Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2" for the book Webslinger: SF and Comic Writers on Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man, edited by Gerry Conway (the writer who killed Gwen Stacy).

Click HERE to purchase a copy of the limited edition Obama/Spider-Man comic, and support the progressive news hounds at BuzzFlash.com (at time of writing they had just 120 copies of the third edition left!).