Gold-medal factory Michael Phelps supposedly eats 12,000 calories per day, a fact repeated 12,000 times during Beijing Olympics coverage. Not reported was that most of that energy is contained in graham crackers and cookie dough. A photo of Phelps sucking on a bong the size of a Pringles can has provoked... more

Gold-medal factory Michael Phelps supposedly eats 12,000 calories per day, a fact repeated 12,000 times during Beijing Olympics coverage. Not reported was that most of that energy is contained in graham crackers and cookie dough. A photo of Phelps sucking on a bong the size of a Pringles can has provoked coronaries among the same people who fainted upon viewing Janet Jackson's nipple in the middle of the Super Bowl, but it's not even a big deal -- it's not a deal at all.

As with much trouble in life, it all started at a college house party. Phelps was attending a soiree at the University of South Carolina, the best thing to do if one finds oneself on campus at the University of South Carolina, when the horridly odious evil drug taking occurred. If you seek a role model, beware: Phelps is not Above the Influence(tm)! Accordingly, some upright-minded narc captured on film the moment Phelps succumbed to temptation, and the photograph of the star consuming the psychotropic vapors eventually appeared in The News of the World, a tabloid as sleazy as the identically-named Queen album is rocking.

As a result, reasonable people are left explaining why this story is a non-story -- even without comparing Phelps to the wife-striking, a brawlin' and a fightin', strip-club-mayhem-inclined "gentlemen" who tend to dot professional athletics. Our aquatic-minded champ merely wanted to recreate; the fact that certain indulgences are illegal is the only crime here.

That's not to endorse marijuana consumption: it's tiresome to chat with those who constantly talk about how tortillas are both delicious and fascinating, not to mention that pot people inflicted Phish on humanity. But the fact is that certain humans, including perhaps you in particular, enjoy it, and someone who brings 14 golds back to America deserves a self-induced giggle fit.

Even if his taste in recreational drugs remains questionable, Phelps is no different than us, excepting the fact that his level of success at his occupation of choice provides him with chances to pick up remarkable quantities of international bling. He's entitled to relax after dealing with on-the-job stresses such as never getting to remove his bathing cap and worrying about pool pH balances.

A more socially acceptable choice of drug wouldn't help, either. While one might advise him to unwind with a non-light beer, if for no other reason than as a fun way to increase his caloric intake, the problem is that Phelps would need to hand over his keys: he foolishly picked up a DUI shortly after the 2004 Games. At this rate, he'll be busted for running a meth lab following the 2012 London Olympics.

Phelps should be allowed to screw up, even if he was irresponsible for putting himself and the public at risk for driving while influenced and is spectacularly dumb for toking in a digicam's presence. He should have used some of his Speedo money to 1) hire a driver a few years' back and 2) buy a memory card for above market value at the party he recently attended. But his obliviousness to his surroundings can be chalked up to the fact he's 23 and is still dealing with beyond intense fame, even though the Games are six months behind him.

The good news is that he hasn't lost money yet despite his soul kiss with that bong: some of Phelps's sponsors such as Visa, Omega Watches, and the aforementioned manufacturer of tiny swimsuits have decently refused to ditch him. But his marijuana dalliance still could cost him, with a fine or jail time on the cards since the Richland County sheriff is foolishly considering prosecuting Phelps for having fun at a party.

It's tragic that law enforcement personnel, with more important shit to take care of surely, are so preoccupied with hassling a man whose accomplishments brought the nation together for two weeks; that's exactly two weeks longer than any other luminary recently has in our ludicrously splintered times.

Human beings tend to intake substances they enjoy regardless of legalities. In Phelps's case, he needs to learn to do so in private, behind a locked door with the blinds drawn, but the core issue is that in our pathetically puritanical culture he's permitted to spend free time on a hobby other than Scrabble or collecting Hummel figurines.

The only long-term problem I can foresee coming out of this pretty fucking trivial incident is that dim people with Olympic dreams will now believe cannabis is a performance-enhancing drug, a concept which will make future swimming events painfully long and especially confusing. Even true weed aficionados would concede that nobody's going to stay in their lanes if they subscribe to that dopeheaded school of thought.


Anthony Bialy is SG's no-jocks-required Sweaty Pursuits sports columnist. He follows sports religiously even though he’s quite bad at them. He ran cross country and played rugby in college, and was horrid at both. He schedules his life around his favorite NHL team’s games, and sadly lists his alma mater winning the NCAA basketball championship as his happiest moment. He likes other things besides sports, too, and requests a minute to think of them.

I guess if I'm going to be a columnist for SG, I'm going to have to talk about something I know well. I go back and forth about one particular subject because I don't want to bite the hand that feeds. I don't want to piss people off to the point where they completely stop buying my... more

I guess if I'm going to be a columnist for SG, I'm going to have to talk about something I know well. I go back and forth about one particular subject because I don't want to bite the hand that feeds. I don't want to piss people off to the point where they completely stop buying my records, and I don't want to come off as a whiny musician. I love what I do and I love my life but the fact is, the music industry is in serious trouble. In the age of government bail-outs, who is going to take care of the music business? Who is going to bail us out?

For the past 10 years between file sharing online, people copying their CDs for friends, blatant piracy and lesser quality product, the music industry has been taking a massive beating. U2's manager Paul McGuiness said the industry is on its way to oblivion in the next couple of years. It goes down about 20% in volume every year. Even though music is more popular than ever, our industry is failing miserably. So what roles do the audience, the musicians and the technology play in all of this?

Well, the mainstream music audience is acting like sheep. They are fine with three (now four) judges once a week picking out the safest, cleanest singers out there and re-packaging them like in a factory. The audience eats it up, buys the "Idol's" records and turns the reality star into a household name.

If you're an independent, small band, there's no money to invest to go deep into the promotion of your record. It's hard to get a real shot. Even on a major label, it's difficult for anyone who's not a multi-platinum act because you'll only get one chance for a hit single. If you don't catch that break, you'll be sent packing.

During better days, a young Bruce Springsteen released two records at the beginning of his career that completely stiffed. By then, his record company had invested millions of dollars in him, and were committed to him because someone believed. If it were today, they might have given up and dropped him. By his third record, Springsteen got it right and created Born to Run. This kind of investment and commitment by a label will never be seen again. There is no artist development. There is no patience. There is no place for an artist to grow in today's musical climate.

Today, musicians have got to learn how to make records cheaply, efficiently and quickly. In Filter's world, I've learned how to make records for 1/10th of what I used to spend on a single video. And I don't get to pocket all of the money made from sales. I am not alone in this. I have to pay my engineers, producers, band members, managers, agents, touring crew, and many, many more. It's not just one guy sitting with a mic and a guitar. It takes a whole team of people to create, release, and promote an album. I consider myself lucky to see any profit at all. Like you, I'm just happy to keep a roof over my head and put food out on the table for my family.

Advances in technology have made it incredibly easy to make records, which helps, but it's also made it incredibly easy to steal records. You can grab someone's CD, put it in your laptop and burn 100 copies of that very CD. And file sharing? People can find whatever they want on the internet and simply take it. It has devalued music to the point that people do not even believe they are doing anything wrong. Back in my day, if you wanted to steal music, you had to go into a record shop, pick up a CD, fucking punch someone in the face and run out of the store with it-or hide it under your jacket like a common thief. Every time this happens, it gives one less band a realistic shot at greatness, it cuts the salary of an engineer or a guitar player, it perpetuates a very ugly downward cycle that I unfortunately don't see stopping anytime soon.

It is really up to everyone to be decent and responsible, something the majority of society has a problem doing. Can the artists make better financial decisions? Can the fans be more honest about how they get the music? We have to work together to make the music industry work because we aren't getting a bailout anytime soon.


Richard Patrick is the frontman for the rock band Filter. Their latest album, Anthems for the Damned, which features the single "Soldiers of Misfortune," is in stores now. Look out for their greatest hits collection, The Very Best Things (1995-2008), which will be available on March 31. Click HERE for more info.

This is a monumental day for the Roundup. We have moved to Friday. Not Saturday, as you heathens are accustomed to. I can only take it as a sign of the growing power and success of the Roundup. Asshole Fuckfaces beware. I, and my team (3 cats), will hunt you down using our keen skills and drag you into... more

This is a monumental day for the Roundup. We have moved to Friday. Not Saturday, as you heathens are accustomed to. I can only take it as a sign of the growing power and success of the Roundup. Asshole Fuckfaces beware. I, and my team (3 cats), will hunt you down using our keen skills and drag you into the light for all to mock. One of my cats is, as I write, attempting to find an Asshole Fuckface in the litter box. Wait. Scratch that. It seems my cat’s asshole has committed what I can only describe as heinous treachery. Speaking of heinous treachery and horrible segues, the Asshole Fuckface Roundup is a doosey this week. People are horrible. Allow me to show you.

First up, some Asshole Fuckfaces do not use their vaginas responsibly.

Nadya Suleman is a 33-year-old woman who decided to turn her vagina into a clown car. Up until last week, her vagina had produced a measly 6 children. “Why are you being so stingy, vagina?” she asked. “Fuck you,” said the vagina and this week showed her by producing 8 children. Eight. All at the same time. From one uterus.

Did I mention Nadya is unemployed? How great is that? Did I mention her parents sold their house to buy her a house to put the previous six kids in? Did I mention her parents then declared bankruptcy? Did I mention she had to undergo in vitro fertilization? Yeah, turns out the human body is not meant to produce eight babies at once. The way God planned it, if you were pregnant with eight children, you were supposed to bleed to death in a cave. But, not anymore! Now you can create eight precious welfare recipients.

Thank God there isn’t a fella in the picture.

What a pal. He should get some sort of good friend award.

Wait, God actually plugged her up, like a sink. He stuffed endless rags down there to stop the flow. Yet, it didn’t take. Yay, modern medicine!

It turns out Nadya had a plan after giving birth to her volleyball team: She wanted to work with Oprah as a childcare expert.

Um, no. To be a childcare expert, you can’t be crazy. It turns out just having eight babies cut out of your torso, like rancid spleens, does not make one an expert. People actually think it's bad form and quite creepy.

Bummer. Maybe the Asshole Fuckface doctor who agreed to implant all those eggs should have to pick up the cost.

Next up, Asshole Fuckface habits are hard to break.

Things seemed pretty awesome last Wednesday in Molo, Kenya. An oil tanker was passing through town, when it overturned on the highway. Sweet black gold!

It’s like a gift from God! Now, if there were only an Asshole Fuckface around to ruin the whole thing.

Jesus Christ, haven’t you ever seen The Birds? If that guy were still alive he would forever be known as the town Party Bummer. But, he’s dead and so are 100 other people. 117 more were wounded. All because Asshole Fuckface couldn’t wait another minute for a smoke?

Um. Wow. Bitter much?

Next up, some Boy Scout Asshole Fuckfacery.

Ah, the Boy Scouts. They teach our kids morals, like gays are bad. They also are a bunch of money-grubbing dicks. In 1947 conservationist Virgil McCracken gave the Scouts 400 acres of land in Idaho. He wanted them to turn it into a giant Boy Scout Camp.

Nice. A place for kids to go and experience nature. Or, a place for loggers to go to cut down trees.

What kind of badge to you receive for fucking over a dead guy?

Um. No.

Stay classy, Boy Scouts.

Finally, one of the worst Asshole Fuckfaces of all time.

Samira Jassam, 51, is a super religious Iraqi lady. She is also a Sunni Arab and is all about doing the wrong thing.

Wow. My barf just threw up. Yes, you read that correctly.

And now she is one of the worst people to ever walk the Earth. Although, Samira did not convince all of the victims to blow themselves up.

So, that leaves around 52 who are just living as victims of rape – unless of course they killed themselves or were killed by their family.

People like Samira should not be executed. She should be put into a cell that is covered in the skin of pigs and has a foot of pig’s blood on the floor. But that’s just me. I have a weird sense of justice.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Eliza Dushku is one of the most difficult interviews in Hollywood. She is completely open, forthcoming and friendly –– but something about her wide brown eyes and seemingly glowing cheeks mesmerizes in a way that sometimes makes follow-up questions difficult. Even when she's fighting... more

Eliza Dushku is one of the most difficult interviews in Hollywood. She is completely open, forthcoming and friendly –– but something about her wide brown eyes and seemingly glowing cheeks mesmerizes in a way that sometimes makes follow-up questions difficult. Even when she's fighting a cold, her energy is intense. Luckily, there's a tape recorder to catch anything a smitten interviewer might miss.

In Fox’s new drama Dollhouse, Dushku plays Echo, creator Joss Whedon's star “Doll” for hire (the two were last paired on Buffy the Vampire Slayer). Each week, as an active operative of the Dollhouse, she is implanted with a new personality tailor-made for what is required by the mission. The assignments are varied, with tasks ranging from undercover investigation to between-the-sheets fantasy. Once the tasks are fulfilled, the Dolls' minds are wiped clean ready for the next upload of software and another adventure.

Question: Early episodes of Dollhouse have you infiltrating a cult, doing some Thai boxing and extreme sports. What else have you gotten to do?

Eliza Dushku: Tomorrow…I'm a dominatrix. That's a new one. Maybe it's not new to some people but it's new for me, believe it or not. Dominatrix!

I got to horseback ride, riding this big black stallion through the night and they didn't want to test the horse on the stunt double because they wanted the horse to get used to one rider, so they just gave me this black stallion at midnight out in Thousand Oaks. And they were like, "Okay, so the camera's on a truck. Run the horse to the fence and then turn it and then just keep running along the fence as fast as you can." So I just grabbed up, thinking, "You said you can ride, right?" "Yeah, I can ride." "You're sure you can ride, right?" I was like yeah, absolutely. Just jumped on this horse and took off. It was awesome.

Q: Isn't that the old actor lie. "Oh, sure I can ride a horse," until you're cast as a cowboy?

ED: I can do it and it was British saddle and everything. I could post. I posted that horse down. It was good.

Q: What's the mission that requires a dominatrix?

ED: Wow, I don't know if I'm supposed to but everything's relevant in the show and Joss puts everything in for a very specific purpose. As a dominatrix, I'm actually explaining to my handler who's driving me home from the mission that everyone thinks it's about this, but it's really about this and I'm sort of explaining things aren't so black and white. There are places in between and people think dominatrix and they think freaks or everyone thinks it's about whipping and lashing, but I've been doing a lot of research on YouTube, in New York actually, over the holidays about dominatrixes. I've learned something that I didn't know. We have this lovely little way to place it into the show.

Q: I think if you've seen Real Sex on HBO, you know the real deal.

ED: I just love that it's thought provoking. I feel like you can watch a lot of TV and it's just pretty procedural and some things can be the same. This show is always giving you something that just makes you go, "What? I never really thought about that." It makes you sort of...it's like brain food. That's what Joss's writing is like to me.

Q: What grounds the series for you, since Echo is blank each time?

ED: The Dollhouse and the tightly run organized institution that is the Dollhouse. You have Olivia Williams who is so gorgeous and so striking, stunning. She really sells and drives home the idea and the coordination and the specificity of the organization, how specific and tightly run it is. So that's the ground base.

Q: Do you expect to deal with a personality Echo maybe wants to keep?

ED: I'm sure and even in the second episode, you start to get glimpses of characters that you almost will and would love for her to keep. Even in the first episode, it's like she finally met the right guy. So it's a show that explores the human condition and what people want versus what they need versus what they fantasize about, and it's just, to me, uncanny the way Joss can touch, can tune into those feelings and those places in people and put them out in a mass way on Fox. It's really special.

Q: And you developed it with him?

ED: Yeah, we sat down and I invited him to lunch after I did the business deal and decided that Fox, we'd had a cool relationship in the past and I wanted to do something else and I wanted to get back into a television show. I had him on the brain for sure but I hadn't called him yet, but I sort of took a leap of faith and set things up with Fox and then called Joss. We went to a four-hour lunch where I just sort of used my womanly wiles. No, we've become such good friends, kind of like brother and sister and kind of like he was my watcher, my handler from when I first moved out to L.A. when I was 17 and I was a little bit of a wild child. He's watched me and helped me and taught me over the years. I told him how bad I wanted and needed him back and he accepted and here we are.


Dollhouse premieres on Fox on Friday 13, 2009.

It has just been confirmed that Lux Interior, lead singer of the legendary NYC punk rock band The Cramps, has died in in Glendale, California this afternoon. He was 60 years old. Lux Interior and his wife Poison Ivy founded the band in 1976, which became an integral part of the emerging punk scene in... more

It has just been confirmed that Lux Interior, lead singer of the legendary NYC punk rock band The Cramps, has died in in Glendale, California this afternoon. He was 60 years old. Lux Interior and his wife Poison Ivy founded the band in 1976, which became an integral part of the emerging punk scene in the 1970s, and had a profound influence on garage punk and rockabilly. The following statement has been released on behalf of the singer's loved ones:

Playlist: R.I.P. Lux Interior

With the Star Wars saga officially wrapped up with Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, fans will seek out any remaining sliver of that galaxy far, far away on screen. The Clone Wars animated movie gave them a little bit of light drone lasering action, but what really caught their attention was Kyle Newman's... more

With the Star Wars saga officially wrapped up with Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, fans will seek out any remaining sliver of that galaxy far, far away on screen. The Clone Wars animated movie gave them a little bit of light drone lasering action, but what really caught their attention was Kyle Newman's Fanboys.

Set in 1998, the film tells the story of four friends who learn that one of their number has terminal cancer, and will die before he gets to see the long-awaited Star Wars prequel, Episode I: The Phantom Menace. Thus the gang scheme to break into Skywalker Ranch and steal a rough cut.

This celluloid tribute to Star Wars fandom was supposed to hit theaters in August 2007, but distributor The Weinstein Company thought they could turn it into a bigger event. They hired Steven Brill to reshoot scenes with more dirty jokes and nudity, and removed that downer cancer bit. After news of the new version leaked, a grassroots online rebellion was mounted, spearheaded by a group called Stop Darth Weinstein who helped get Newman reinstated to deliver his version of the film, albeit two years later.

The saga wasn't all bad for Newman. He met his wife, Jaime King, on the film. She plays a Las Vegas escort who plays Jedi mind tricks with one of the boys. The online support from fans who just wanted to see the original version also warmed his heart. However, the morning of his press junket in Beverly Hills, Newman was already visibly exhausted. The day was just beginning, but the journey to bring Fanboys to the screen was nearly over. All he had to do was keep his posture up on the sofa and answer questions about Weinstein as diplomatically as possible.

Question: We've been following this saga online, and understand they tried a version without the cancer subplot. How would that even play? It's more like the whole plot than a subplot!

Kyle Newman: I think referring to it as a subplot was definitely trying to play down how important it was and almost the folly of changing it. The reactions I've been getting as people are finally seeing it are how could the movie have worked without it? What is their purpose? What's at stake? Otherwise, how do you get behind those guys? They're just criminals.

Q: Even mechanically –– did they just decide to take a trip for no reason?

KN: The motivation was stripped [out] of the movie so it was more like, "Hey, we're drunk. You wanna go break into Skywalker ranch?" And at the end, scenes where Linus was sick, he just fell out of the van and he had no problem. Then they're being told they need to go home because he fell out of a van. It didn't work. Unfortunately and despite all the efforts, it ultimately didn't work and that's why it, I think, came back to us, the original team to at least restore it as much as we could in the time given.

Q: You said restore. Why did they not just go right back to your cut?

KN: That is a good question to which I don't have an answer. I was given a window of opportunity to go retake their film and recut it as best I could into a version of mine. Luckily, I was on the ball and could achieve. I still think I've got the best version of the movie but it was definitely a race. When you have to recut a film in 36 hours for no reason known to man that has been shown to me, it's hard. It was hard but I think we went in, I spent weeks before mapping out, "I'm going to do this at this moment, this at this moment, this at this moment, this 36 second in." It was all strategic and I went through surgically and was able to kind of restore the best stuff of ours and take some of the cool things that are discovered in the new one, the previous version.

Q: When you make a little film and the Weinstein Company is interested -- you know Harvey had a reputation -- did that concern you going in?

KN: We knew Harvey's reputation but also knew Harvey has a great reputation for taking small movies and doing good things with them too. So in that respect, do you want this movie at a big studio or do you want it with somebody that is known for taking a smaller film and getting it out there? I think that was one of the attractive things about working with the Weinstein Company as well. They were brand new venture. We were one of the first projects they brought on to do so it was actually an exciting time to set the movie up with them.

Q: While these changes were going on, did your producer Kevin Spacey not have the clout to say, "Hey, leave it alone?"

KN: Oh, definitely Kevin was vocal about what was going on and he was very clear. He came down to Comic Con last year and was supporting this version of the film and supporting the fan support that was shown to us to put this cut on screen. Kevin was very vocal with Harvey and also in getting this version back and this proper storyline, the original storyline back to the screen. Yeah, he was definitely passionate about it and without him we wouldn't have been able to get to the place we are now.

Q: How must it feel to have another director do scenes for your movie?

KN: It's funny because I guess Steven Brill never saw Star Wars, he didn't know who Jabba the Hutt was. And he was working with the production designer and these different people and he was like, "Which one's Boba Fett? Which one's Jabba?" He was getting mixed up. He didn't know and he admitted he hadn't seen Return of the Jedi, Empire Strikes Back so it was a little bit scary. I'm like, "Oh my God, they've got somebody who doesn't respect this at all, who's casually just dismissing references."

Then obviously the online stuff he was writing towards fans, calling them losers and saying he was going to kill them and hunt them down. It was depressing because here we are. We made a movie that embraced the fandom and we were fans and we've gotten this great grassroots awareness online and good support. Then you have someone that doesn't respect it and that's pretty much ignoring their contract and opening their mouth and talking about it. So it was very disheartening. It was unnecessary.

If you're going to go in and recut someone's film even though you're not even a fan of the subject matter, just because you want a paycheck, you're not passionate about it, then do that. But don't go opening your mouth and alienating the core audience of that movie. I just thought that was the most low class thing that you could do, especially considering there are so many people that worked years and years and years on this.

Q: How did he even get the job?

KN: I don't know...I think there was a strike coming up and he wasn't working and his agent platformed for him to get a paycheck before strike.

Q: But if they wanted reshoots, why didn't they have you do it?

KN: Well, we talked for beforehand. They did the reshoots while I was on my honeymoon, so I couldn't have done it. I think they knew I wasn't going to jibe with putting nudity and things like that in the movie which they pursued and ultimately are not in there.

Q: How did you conceive of addressing the ultimate suckiness of Episode I without bashing it?

KN: See, I like Episode I and it's one of those films that I think the more you watch it, the more it grows on you. Yeah, definitely people in the production, producers and one of the writers didn't like Episode I. I never wanted to get into a fan discussion about the merits, the downfalls of Episode I, because no one would come out of that situation happy. So it deals with it with just the conjecture at the end. What if it sucks? It's the point where you're so wrapped up in this movement and all the spirit of Star Wars being back and the upswell of fandom, did you stop to say, "Well, is it going to live up to my expectations?"

Q: How do you personally defend it in those discussions?

KN: I think everyone projected what they expected out of the movie. They identify with Star Wars so personally that you expect Star Wars to age with you and evolve with you, but [George Lucas] was still going back I think to a very beginning, Act 1. It can't be the darkest, it can't be the most dramatic, it's just an entry point. I mean, the things I don't like about it are maybe Anakin should've been older. Why did he need to be that age? Why couldn't he be 14 and carry the same weight through the thing, or 15? But you know what? It's his story. He paid for it. He's like the ultimate independent filmmaker and I respect that. That's I think every filmmaker's dream to have the scenario he's created and the foresight he's had and the kind of career he's had.

Q: Do you like Episode II?

KN: Episode II is probably my least favorite in the series. I still enjoy it. I mean, I like all Star Wars. I look at them as one story and I had the opportunity to watch them all in a marathon in HD on the big screen with Lucas optimized sound. It was 14 hours and it was pretty stunning how well every nuance actually fit together when you sit and watch them. It's almost like a requiem. Things repeat and there were just notes that were hit. There's so many little subtleties and parallels.

Q: So you got the graphics for the title crawl but not the John Williams score? That doesn't seem like the area to chintz on the money.

KN: Yes. I don't think it was down to money because we wanted it. It was down to John Williams had a very specific stance that Star Wars music belongs on Star Wars pictures. I know they got it for Family Guy, but I think it had to do with Fox, based on Fox owns Episode IV: A New Hope stuff differently than they own the rest. We were looking for cues from different movies throughout too. So we had Mark Mothersbaugh trying to emulate it. That's still one of my least favorite parts of the movie, the opening. I didn't want the crawl and there's a joke at the end of the crawl which is not something I wanted in either, but after it gets going, I'm pleased with the way it uses the Star Wars feel to the music.

Q: You didn't want crawl at all?

KN: Not if I couldn't have John Williams' music.

Q: And there's an iPhone joke in a movie set in 1998.

KN: Yeah. Well, the crawl is commenting. The crawl is not set in '98. It's telling you about here's a story set in '98, but I know what you're saying. And also, the other spot where there's a crawl is when they're high and he looks up into space and he sees a crawl. Not my favorite either. That's just kind of jarring. Yeah, the crawl elements are my least favorite part of this film.

Q: Was that not the joke you were referring to that you didn't like?

KN: The last paragraph. "What do aliens think when they read this?" The whole thing. It should've ended "Little did they know their paths were about to cross again..." You scroll down and you meet the guys. It was just an unnecessary [adjunct] at the end.

Q: You also make some pretty astute Star Trek jokes for a Star Wars fan.

KN: I like Star Trek. In this, I took the stance of Star Trek, in these guys' world, Star Trek is the enemy so you have to embrace that. That's the way these guys are viewing Star Trek, these characters, spearheaded by Hutch, Dan Fogler's character. They're really antagonistic towards Star Trek. And Star Trek was a little bit difficult with us getting the rights so we went a little hard on them, but I still like Star Trek.

Q: It's nice to see you give props to Willow.

KN: Oh yes. I love Willow. We tried to actually do a Howard the Duck wing, like an abandoned hallway too, but we couldn't build that part of the set. Yeah, Willow, we wanted to get everything in there. A little bit American Graffiti, a little bit of Willow.

Q: How hard was it to get a 6 Days, 7 Nights billboard?

KN: We had Harrison Ford approve it, so we got the likeness and all that stuff approved, so it was great.

Q: Was it CG'ed in on the road?

KN: That was CG'ed in, yeah.

Q: Forget getting Lucas on board, how do you go to Harrison Ford?

KN: Once we had the Lucasfilm camp on board and all the other Star Wars actors and stuff were in the film, I guess they also had a relationship. They were making a movie with him at the time too, so I guess that conversation was easy. I don't know how it went about but I think they were making Crossing Over and that's when they had asked him.


Fanboys opens on limited release on Friday, February 6, 2009.

Gone but not forgotten, February 3rd marks the day that rock'n'roll pioneer Buddy Holly died in a plane crash near Clear Lake, Iowa in 1959. The bespectacled singer and guitarplayer would have been 72 years old. Born as Charles Hardin Holley, Buddy Holly became one of the most popular names... more

Gone but not forgotten, February 3rd marks the day that rock'n'roll pioneer Buddy Holly died in a plane crash near Clear Lake, Iowa in 1959. The bespectacled singer and guitarplayer would have been 72 years old. Born as Charles Hardin Holley, Buddy Holly became one of the most popular names in rock'n'roll in the 1950s, and had a big influence on world-famous artists like The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, and Bob Dylan. With chart-topping songs such as "That'll Be the Day" (#1 single in the US in 1957), "Peggy Sue", and "Oh Boy!" (#3 and 10, respectively), the Lubbock, Texas native changed the sound of pop music forever.

As the story goes, New York City's teen idols Dion and The Belmonts, Texan disc jockey The Big Bopper, up and coming heartthrob Ritchie Valens, and Buddy Holly were on the "Winter Dance Party" tour in the Midwest together, when Buddy Holly decided to charter a plane from Clear Lake, Iowa to Moorhead, MN instead of traveling by tourbus. Waylon Jennings of Buddy Holly's band The Crickets gave up his seat to JP "The Big Bopper" Richardson because he was ill and needed rest, and Tommy Allsup (also of The Crickets) flipped a coin with Ritchie Valens for the remaining seat. Sadly, 17-year old Valens won the bet but paid with his life.

While immortalized through his own songs, Buddy Holly's life and untimely death (Holly was only 22 years old) have always been an inspiration to other artists. Friend and fellow rock'n'roll musician Eddie Cochran recorded the song 'Three Stars', as a tribute to Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper, and Ritchie Valens, before his own tragic death (he died in a car crash a year later). In 1971 singer-songwriter Don McLean recorded and released the #1 hit song 'American Pie' (later to be covered by Madonna), famously calling the fateful day of the crash "the day the music died". Buddy Holly was in the first group of people to ever be inducted in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1986, and Rolling Stone Magazine ranked him as the #13 of the 100 Greatest Artist of All Time.

Playlist: The Day the Music Died.

(image) Preparation (lose the 'h')! It's almost that time of year again and as I start to prepare myself and my crew for another event at SXSW, I thought it would be a good idea to spend my next two columns throwing out some tips, early warnings, general advice, and usual paragraphs of waffling... more

Preparation (lose the 'h')!
It's almost that time of year again and as I start to prepare myself and my crew for another event at SXSW, I thought it would be a good idea to spend my next two columns throwing out some tips, early warnings, general advice, and usual paragraphs of waffling bullshit you have come to expect from yours truly.

Train for SXSW!
People train for everything. They train for marathons (of course), they train for driving tests, they train for hotdog-eating competitions. Why on earth wouldn't you train for something as huge, dangerous awe inspiring, and potentially rewarding as this? How much money are you spending to go to Austin? Of course you're going to be weak in some areas. You might be a great guitarist, but lack people skills opening your shyness to misinterpretation as aloof standoffish-ness. You might be amazing with people but a crap drummer. Anything (except perhaps the economy) can be fixed. You have time to work on this NOW but first you need to understand that it is possible. Put together a personal plan and a band plan to diligently, incrementally work towards that goal. The first and most vital part of solving any problem area is an awareness of the problem. It is worth sitting down, thinking this through, observing your band mates, taking the time to share your horrifying observations with them, and they will surely, in turn, reciprocate. Don't let the opportunity of SXSW slip through your fingers like the guacamole/tequila/cheap beer/sweet corn'/don't-remember-eating-that vomit surely will on the first crazy night.

Don't bleach your hair the day before!
Although it's always a good idea to destroy hotel towels instead of your own you don't want to drastically change your look right before a big event. The new aerodynamics of your head or some long floaty extensions will distract you.

I cut off my dreads a few years ago before a HUGE meeting with some big wig financiers (and I can't even remember what it was for). I found myself intimidated. The main thing I had going for me was ME and I wasn't me at the meeting. In trying to fit in I had fucked myself.

The night before my first day on the job for the UK government (yes, 1976 or so!) I bleached my hair forgetting that I had put henna in it a couple of weeks beforehand. The result was, basically, fluorescent CARROT TOP -- so, beware. Do hair and body stuff a couple of weeks beforehand.

Bring a portable press kit
I tell anyone in a band or anyone managing a band to do something super-cool with your press kit. However, at SXSW, portability is the key. Put it all on a disc, a flash drive, or a fancy DVD business card thingy. MAKE SURE THAT YOUR NAME, THE BAND NAME, AN EMAIL ADDRESS, AND A CONTACT NUMBER IS ON EVERYTHING - EVERYTHING! Have these with you AT ALL TIMES.

Help someone
Go to SXSW prepared to HELP someone - a band, a random person, a promoter, anyone. At times of high stress and high stakes, people will appreciate it more. A sweaty, damp extended hand is nothing more than germ explosion - unless you are dangling off a cliff; then it's a life saver. It's all perspective and circumstance. And the longer you're in this business, the more you appreciate what goes around comes around, so make sure the karmic shit you put out there is good, and you'll be surprised at the unexpected ways in which you're rewarded.

Do something!
Don't sit in the hotel room watching Righteous Kill or reading Tour:Smart. Get out there and do it!*

Don't buy new equipment the day before you leave
Don't mistake an investment in brand new equipment for actually doing something that might help. At least you KNOW just where to hit your crappy tube amplifier to get it working again. A brand new one acquired a few hours before the first show might have other characteristics you aren't prepared for. Last minute improvements might not be improvements at all. If your equipment is falling apart and it's fucking up your vibe, your show, your hands, then NOW would be the time to get something so that you can break it in.

Talk to other bands
I'm going to hazard an insane guess that you are thinking you want to get signed at SXSW. OK...., well, that's just NOT going to happen. In looking for that one person that you think is going to make a difference don't overlook the fact that this is an opportunity for you to do some concrete, real things to move your career forward:

* Seek out and meet bands from different cities across the US and around the world. Tell them about your show. Quietly hatch a plan to rave about each other's shows or at least SHOW UP and double the size of each other's audiences. Focus on the little things - not on playing to a full venue (you won't) but on NOT PLAYING TO NO-ONE!

* Kick start your band networking right now! Are you emailing bands with whom you are sharing a bill? Are you sharing costs in printing posters? Did you even print posters? There's no excuse to go in blind and unaware - it's 2009!

Shoes
The same philosophy about hair applies to brand new shoes!** You are going to be walking for several miles a day. If you aren't lying in bed at night crying and massaging your swelling ankles and knees then this is a sign that you are not taking FULL advantage of the event! So, the other very last thing you want to discover is that your brand new Doc Martens are really uncomfortable to walk in - BANG! There's a horrifyingly piss your pants blister on the heel of your right foot! You just don't need it. Go with the comfy, worn out shoes you are used to. If they are really bad and fucked up spray paint them black! Have one of those professional shoe people (they were once called cobblers) re-hab your shoes. They can work wonders and are sometimes at the airport. Make sure to tip 'em extra for the horrifying shit you are asking them to deal with.


Add your favorite SXSW tips in the comments section below. I'll send a Tour:Smart e-book to those who submit my favorite ones! And, remember, there's no such thing as obvious or a "no-brainer" when it comes to stuff like this. Don't wait until you're standing on stage in five-day old underwear with your luggage in Hawaii, your audience someplace else, and your brand new guitar shredding your fingers. Get busy now.

Come see me at SXSW - I have my own Tour:Smart event on Wednesday, March 18 at 4:30pm in Room 18.

Here's the wrap up from last year's SXSW:



Before we dive in, a quick shout out to GWAR who I saw at NAMM and also to Slipknot, who were stunning last Friday night.

And, finally, I'm back on the road:

Friday, February 6 - St. Paul MN
Closed lecture for McNally Smith students.

Sunday, February 8 - La Crosse, WI
FREE Tour:Smart seminar at The Warehouse, 328 Pearl St. @ 7:00 p.m.
MANDAORY FOR ALL LOCAL BANDS - SEATS LIMITED!
RSVP NOW!

Monday, February 9 - Madison, WI
FREE Tour:Smart DIY Seminar at the Madison Media Institute, 2702 Agriculture Dr. @ 1 p.m.
SEATS LIMITED! RSVP NOW!

Thursday, February 19 - Tampa, FL
FREE Tour:Smart DIY Summit and Dean Factory tour with Martin Atkins and special guests Josh Malony and Curse Mackey at Dean Guitar Headquarters, 4924 W.Waters Ave. @ 2 p.m.
Registration is extremely limited. REGISTER NOW!

Thursday, February 19 - Tampa, FL
Martin Atkins / Curse Mackey Pigface DJ set at Czar (vodka bar), 1420 East 7th Ave. @ 10:30 p.m.

Friday, February 20 - Tampa, FL
FREE Lecture on the Beijing Underground punk scene with Martin Atkins at University of South Florida, Marshall Student Center @ 3 p.m.
RESERVE your space NOW!

Friday, February 20 - Tampa, FL
Tour:Smart / Martin Atkins book signing and free mini-consultation at Vinyl Fever, 4110 Henderson Blvd. @ 7 p.m.

Saturday, February 21 - Gainesville, FL
Keynote Speaker at the University of Florida Entertainment Law Conference: 12-1 p.m. keynote / 3-4 p.m. Q&A.
Click HERE for more info.

Saturday, February 21 - Jacksonville, FL
FREE Tour:Smart DIY seminar at 331 Café, W. 331 Forsyth Street @ 7 p.m.
Limited Seating - RSVP NOW!

Sunday, February 22 - Orlando, FL
FREE Tour:Smart DIY seminar + FREE appetizers courtesy of Marks Street Music at the Dandelion Café, 618 N. Thornton Ave. @ 7 p.m.
RSVP to reserve your space NOW!

Upcoming events in McComb, IL, Normal, IL, Chicago, Philadelphia, Los Angeles, London, Traverse City, MI, and more on the way!


*Of course, this is a hilarious joke. SXSW is a great time to sit in a hotel room and really get to grips with Tour:Smart. Available now via Amazon.com.

**Unless, of course, you are planning on buying some 6" heels. That's a GREAT idea - stick your legs in the air and send me pics -- NO! NOT you, Brian!


Martin Atkins has drummed with PiL, Killing Joke, Ministry, Nine Inch Nails, Pigface, and The Damage Manual, among others. As owner of the now 20-year old Invisible Records, he has worked with artists such as Thrill Kill Kult, Einsturzende Neubauten, Chemlab, Chris Connelly, Sheep On Drugs, Murder Inc, and Psychic TV. Martin teaches a course on Business of Touring at Columbia College in Chicago, IL, and has written a survival guide for touring bands, Tour Smart: And Break The Band, which features contributions from Henry Rollins, Cynthia Plastercaster, The Enigma, the Suicide Girls, Zim Zum (formerly of Marilyn Manson), Kevin Lyman, and various other managers, journalists, venues, agents, sponsors, radio personalities and the like.

Never thought I’d make this comment, but the Democrats are handling Rush Limbaugh with brutal efficiency. For many years, Democrats have been terrified of the right wing sound machine. Show after show, pundit after pundit, all using the same talking points with devastating effect. But now, the worm... more

Never thought I’d make this comment, but the Democrats are handling Rush Limbaugh with brutal efficiency. For many years, Democrats have been terrified of the right wing sound machine. Show after show, pundit after pundit, all using the same talking points with devastating effect. But now, the worm has turned. The exact structure and group think that made the Republicans strong is being used against them. That’s what happens when you become arrogant extremists entirely outside the mainstream of America.

Let’s face it, Republicans would be nowhere near where they are now if it wasn’t for 9/11. Up until that day, Bush was looking like a very unpopular president. They used the attack to crush the voice of opposition and label the Democrats as wrong on everything. America went along with it. But the scary times are over, the ship is correcting and Republicans are about to go back into their sad, angry place. Who knew Rush Limbaugh would be the key?

Rush is the biggest symbol of the Republican Party. Unfortunately for them, he is a draft dodging, three-time divorced, drug addict, multi-millionaire. Oh, and he is also an extremist. Rush was the main driving force behind the delightful Sarah Palin VP pick. It was an epic choice that freaked America out. Yet, she was and is everything that the crazy right wing lunatics want in a leader. The Palin choice showed Democrats just how out of touch and crazy Limbaugh seems to the majority of Americans. And now they are on the attack.



There you go. This is a very smart move by the Democrats. They are going to paint Rush as the leader of the Republican Party and point out the horrible comments he makes, along with his dismal record as a human being. Obama already fired a shot.

Individual lawmakers also went after Rush.

Last week, Democrats began airing radio ads using Rush’s own words as a wedge (Not hard to do).

Democrats are isolating the doughboy and forcing Republicans to make a choice: Stand beside him and die or let him whither alone. So far, they are choosing to stand beside him. And you really couldn’t attach yourself to a bigger anchor. He is a racist, he is a liar and worst of all – he is the biggest symbol of everything Obama is against: Partisanship. America pretty much chose Obama because he said he could get Republicans and Democrats to work together. The peeps want it to happen. And Rush is the ultimate symbol of the hateful, brutal nonsense that occurred over the past 20 years. He is the big bad.

Last Tuesday, GOP Congressman Phil Gingrey of Georgia, took the bait.

He was, of course, being quite reasonable. But reasonable does not fly with those who now control the GOP. It took one entire day for Gingrey to get on his knees and beg forgiveness from his doughy overlord.

He also called Rush to apologize. It was pretty embarrassing.

This is a complete disaster for Republicans. Democrats will continue to point out, loudly, that Rush is an angry extremist and Republicans will continue to back him up. Republicans really have no answer for this assault. They will circle the wagons and back up Rush to their own detriment. The more they support him, the more extreme they seem. They have no system to fight this type of attack because their entire PR structure is built around no dissent, no infighting, and one voice. They are the Borg. And because of that, their own system is going to work against them.

It’s a death spiral. Watch it and enjoy.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Hey, everybody! How were your holidays? Good? I hope so. I hope you got (and gave) some great gifts, ate tons of good food and spent happytime with your family and friends. What's that you say? How were my holidays? They were pretty good, thanks. That is, they were until I was forced to watch... more

Hey, everybody! How were your holidays? Good? I hope so. I hope you got (and gave) some great gifts, ate tons of good food and spent happytime with your family and friends.

What's that you say? How were my holidays?

They were pretty good, thanks. That is, they were until I was forced to watch one of the most abysmal creations ever committed to celluloid- the Star Wars Holiday Special. After that, I wanted to destroy myself and everything around me in a spectacular murder-suicide. Words cannot express how soul-fuckingly shitty this movie is, but nevertheless- I have to try.

*deep breath*

The Star Wars Holiday Special (which will be known from now on as "Wookiee Shit") was a made-for-TV "movie", broadcast at the height of Star Wars fever in 1978, just in time for Christmas. Wookiee Shit's plot deals with a distraught Chewbacca trying to hurry home for Life Day, Kashyyyk's version of Christmas (much like Steve Martin in Planes, Trains & Automobiles). At least, that's nominally what the movie is about- it mostly centers on Chewie's family and the wacky hi-jinks that ensue from them being waterboarded- sorry, interrogated- by the Empire as to the Millennium Falcon's whereabouts. The original cast is peppered throughout Wookiee Shit in sad "guest appearances", as evidenced below:



Okay, a couple of things-

1. If you watched that whole clip, you are now 1/20th as damaged as I am.
2. You'd think that George Lucas could drum up better guest stars than Harvey Korman and Bea Arthur.

Submitted for your punishment- er, approval:



Now, why in the hell did you watch that? Bea Arthur singing in the cantina on Tattooine might sound funny, sure. She's even backed up by Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes! In execution, however, it is tantamount to being punched in the face with a meat tenderizer dipped in cat urine and salt.

The story behind Wookiee Shit is almost as funny as the film itself. Created in a coke-fueled fever dream by greedy executives (and signed off on by Lucas), it was aired exactly once. It has since been disowned by George and everyone with some modicum of good taste. It's also been highly sought after by die hard fans, making the convention rounds for years.

This Christmas, when it was suggested to me that we sit around and watch bad movies, a friend of mine who shall remain nameless forced it upon us all. This was tantamount to a bunch of fifth-graders stumbling upon the Necronomicon and accidentally summoning Cthulu. To say a part of me died that holiday would be an understatement, although that Christmas was still better than the one where my dad got drunk enough to set the tree on fire. My point? Wookiee Shit is that half-burnt, piss-soaked tree. Still think I'm full of it?

FINE.

Here's a clip of Princess Leia looking fucking wasted.



Believe me now, fucker?



MisterSatan hasn't written for the Newswire in ages, but he's got a new book coming out!

A special report for SuicideGirls.com by Mark Karlin, Editor and Publisher of BuzzFlash.com. (image) If you want to understand the baffling behavior of Rod Blagojevich -- now the ex-Governor of Illinois -- it would be wise to begin at a waste dump. How can an unsightly garbage landfill reveal so much... more

A special report for SuicideGirls.com by Mark Karlin, Editor and Publisher of BuzzFlash.com.



If you want to understand the baffling behavior of Rod Blagojevich -- now the ex-Governor of Illinois -- it would be wise to begin at a waste dump.

How can an unsightly garbage landfill reveal so much about the sensational, sordid, unethical and complicated personality, political history and actions of "Blago" -- as we nickname here in Illinois?

Well, fasten your seat belts.

In 2005, toward the end of his first term, Blagojevich, with great media fanfare -- very much his style -- unilaterally closed down a waste dump near Chicago. Now, this was unusual since the state EPA would normally handle such matters. More curious, however, was that the landfill was owned by a relative of Blagojevich's wife, the former Patricia Mell.

Okay, keep following me here. Patricia Mell is the daughter of an infamous and colorful Chicago Alderman, Richard Mell (who was a key leader in the white faction who obstructed the mayoral initiatives of Chicago's populist black mayor, Harold Washington). Now it turned out that Richard Mell had a murky relationship -- probably financial -- with his relative's garbage dump.

Richard Mell was not happy with his son-in-law's flamboyant public action and took it as a slight against him, which it appears to have been. So Mell and Blagojevich start making accusations against each other in the press. Mell became so enraged that he told The Chicago Sun-Times that his son-in-law, Blagojevich, had sold seats on state boards and that he had been involved in illicit political activity. (Later, out of concern for his daughter it appears, Mell retracted the charges.)

Suddenly, Illinois not only had a governor who most state Democratic legislators couldn't stand, but the Land of Lincoln found itself in the midst of a segment of Family Feud.

The attack on Mell by Blagojevich was even more perplexing because as a ward power broker, Mell was pretty much responsible for Blagojevich's political ascension from state representative to U.S. Congressman (in the district that both Dan Rostenkowski and Rahm Emanuel have represented) to Governor.

So why would Blagojevich pick a public fight with his father-in-law who was also his political mentor?

Ah, there's the rub, because if you can answer such a question, you could get to the essence of the son of a Serbian immigrant who became a foot soldier in the former Chicago Democratic "machine."

Indeed, Blagojevich is very much a product of the legendary Chicago ward organization. In that way, he is almost a throwback, because younger Chicago Dems are nowadays, for the most part, less tied to the old politics.

Blagojevich served as a moderate state rep and U.S. Congressman. I knew him because he championed gun control as one of his pet issues, and I, alongside representatives from the Illinois Council Against Handgun Violence, would do press conferences with him now and then.

Some larcenous and delusional people function just fine until they are exposed to a crime of opportunity. That appears to be the case with Blagojevich.

In many ways, Blagojevich is our George W. Bush in Illinois. Never give the keys to the car to Bush; and never give the combination of the state safe to Blagojevich.

Once Blagojevich was positioned to be in charge of a state budget that had billions of dollars to give out in jobs and contracts, his inner ward heeler crook emerged in full force. Even before he was first elected -- in the 2002 election -- he was apparently already promising state jobs, board appointments, and contracts in return for campaign contributions.

At some point in their careers, people discover what they do best: for Blagojevich, it wasn't governing, it was extortion. How can you condemn a man who simply stumbles upon a niche at which he excels?

Contrary to what you might be led to believe by the national media's preoccupation with the circus surrounding Blagojevich's December arrest -- the bizarre news conferences filled with poetry and his subsequent national road trip media tour -- the investigation into Blagojevich's corruption by U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald's office has been going on for more than three years now. It actually began as a probe by the Democratic Illinois Attorney General, Lisa Madigan, but migrated over to Patrick Fitzgerald as the alleged crimes began to look more like a metastasized cancer than a couple of isolated incidents.

When Blagojevich is finally indicted by a grand jury early this spring, you can expect the counts against him will be in the mid-to-high double digits.The crimes he's charged with could possibly extend back as far as 2003. He has been the extortionist version of a serial killer; he just couldn't stop himself.

I wrote a column for BuzzFlash a while back that predicts that Blagojevich will eventually cop a plea after the formal indictments.

Why, you might ask? After all, he doesn't listen to his legal counsel. (His last attorney quit, telling the press: "I don't mind clients who listen to me and don't take my advice. But I won't represent a client who won't even listen to me.") Well, the hidden hand that U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald has to play is the possible potential indictment of Blagojevich's wife, Patti (a.k.a. Patricia, the daughter of Richard Mell).

Patti emerges as a foul-mouthed character in the background of the infamous FBI bugging tapes. She can be heard urging "Blago" on as he tries to use the threat of withholding state financing and tax breaks to renovate Wrigley Field (which the Tribune company is trying to sell to crawl out of financial ruin) as leverage to get some Trib editorial writers fired for calling for Blagojevich's impeachment.

But over the years, the Feds and the Chicago papers have dropped tantalizing hints that Patti profited from "pay to play" politics through commissions that she received as a real estate agent and in other ways. The renovation of the relatively modest Ravenswood Manor Blagojevich home (in a sleepy Chicago neighborhood of upscale bungalows) is another one of the Blagojevich family financial dealings that has come under scrutiny. (There's even a $1500 check, allegedly for one of their daughters, from a third party that is part of the overall investigation by the Feds.)

Should the Feds have substantial evidence of Patti's involvement in her husband's apparent long-term hobby of putting up a for-sale sign on state government, they will pressure "Blago" to fess up and strike a plea bargain.

In return for his cooperation -- under such a scenario -- the Feds will not indict or prosecute Patti. If that turns out to be how it pans out, you can bet that Blagojevich (who flew home virtually every night from Springfield, at taxpayer's expense, while the legislature was in session) would swallow his manly hemlock and protect his wife from potential jail time.

After all, during his public spat with his father-in-law (who still speaks with Patti when Rod's not around), Blagojevich defended going after him with this curious statement: "This is the kind of thing that I think frankly separates the men from the boys in leadership. Do you have the testicular virility to make a decision like that knowing what's coming your way? I say I do."

Well, "Blago" will soon see his "testicular virility" tested big time when he has to either throw in the towel or sell out his wife.

About two months ago, a former female U.S. prosecutor from California was asking me what the story was with Blagojevich and what accounted for his erratic, almost comic behavior since his arrest. I told her that I thought Blagojevich thinks what he did was what all politicians do and that he was actually benefiting the people of Illinois. Call that delusional, call it arrogant, call it blind, I told her, but that's pretty much his story.

"That clears it up," she responded. "I've put a lot of these guys behind bars and they are all pretty much the same."

I asked, "What kind of guys/"

"Don't you know?" she asked. "He's got all the personal characteristics of a hardcore crook."

Rod Blagojevich, it would appear, is as crooked as they come, and the next stop for the mop-headed Elvis fan is probably going to be a federal prison farm where he can sing "Fools Rush In" to his heart's delight. Oh, and he can also hum "Jailhouse Rock" while cleaning the latrines.



Mark Karlin is editor and publisher of BuzzFlash.com, which this May will be celebrating its ninth year of progressive news and commentary on the Internet through an expanded network of websites. Karlin is intimately familiar with Illinois politics.

When I was a teen, I took to swearing with great gusto. The movie Heathers was very hot among my friends then, and we’d quote it with relish. “Fuck me gently with a chainsaw!” “Why can’t you just be a friend, why do you have to be such a megabitch?” And I’ll admit... more

When I was a teen, I took to swearing with great gusto. The movie Heathers was very hot among my friends then, and we’d quote it with relish. “Fuck me gently with a chainsaw!” “Why can’t you just be a friend, why do you have to be such a megabitch?” And I’ll admit that since I’ve always looked younger than my age, coupled with my small frame, I got even more pleasure from swearing like a sailor and shocking people. Sweet little Mur said WHAT?

I’m not saying I’d go up to old people in the malls and call them cunt blossoms or anything, but I didn’t hold back when I was with my friends.

I did have limits, though. I remember reading an interview with Mike Tyson in Playboy a while back, where nearly every third word was “fucking.” I had to search for the story drowning in the sea of expletives.

There are made-up swear words. The ones that leap to mind of this geek are “frell” (from Farscape) and “frack” (from Battlestar Galactica). BSG fans found it hysterical that KFC completely missed the mark and advertised the “Frack Pack” on the opener a couple of weeks ago. Twitter was ablaze, “They do know they’re selling a Fuck Pack, right?” While the words do fit for network television, allowing our characters to swear as much as they want, they do sound a little watered down and sad.

I was surprised when people started reading my book and complaining to me of the swearing. “I don’t see why so many people need to say unnecessary swear words.” Some of my friends say that it’s a gender thing: some people react more strongly to women swearing than men, and when I read the audio podcast of my novel, people could get turned off by “sweet little Mur” swearing like a character in Deadwood. Others say that the content of the book –– superheroes –– implies it’s safe for kids while the language is not. (Ever read Powers?)

But people haven’t told me there’s too much murder in the book. Or too much torture. Or too much dismemberment (actually one person said there wasn’t enough dismemberment, but we won’t talk about him). People are immune to violence, but if you throw in some swearing, nudity, or (gasp) a gay character and they’ll get their panties in a wad.

(As an aside, I just got done watching Season Two of Dexter on DVD, and Lila was a favorite character. She was not a trembling violet; she was brash, rude and sexual. When she was nude in the kitchen and Dexter's sister Deb walked in on her, Lila casually draped an arm across her breasts, smiled, and said, “Pardon my tits.” That was true to the character –– anything less wouldn't have fit.)

To research this more, I went to the pros. Both New York Times Bestselling Authors, Scott Sigler and Tracy Hickman are very different storytellers.

Sigler is the author of Infected and Contagious, scifi/horror thrillers that are peppered liberally with violence and swearing. He calls it “asinine” that people think they live in a pristine world. “You have to use the language that fits the story,” he says. “If you don't, you're producing a contrived projection of the way you think the world should be. Not the way it is. Some people swear, therefore, it's logical if some characters swear.”

I told him of the reader who hinted strongly that if I wrote stories and books without swearing, he’d be a faithful supporter. Sigler said, “It's a free market literary economy; if people don't like it, they can put it down. Just like they can turn the channel if they don't like what's on the TV.”

When asked if he’d ever consider cleaning up a work to appeal to an audience, he said, “I have a book called The Rookie. It's about a futuristic football league; in football, people swear. But the sci-fi and sports elements of this tale make it ideal for teenagers and pre-teens, so I am modifying the cursing to suit that audience…to bring it under the threshold most parents sustain for their children. Once people are old enough to make up their own minds, however, I let the story be what it needs to be, and the characters be what they need to be.”

On the other side of the spectrum we have Tracy Hickman, bestselling fantasy author who is very active within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He has a different opinion of the use of colorful language. He does swear in his books, but not very often. “Swearing is like spice...If you do not use it the text feels unnatural and bland. If you use too much of it, it makes the whole [book] unpalatable.”

He does add most people fall on the ‘unpalatable’ side of the balance. “The problem is that people today swear too much. Swearing is a crutch in conversation. It's what you say when you haven't got real words.”

Hickman recently brought an older book of his, The Immortals, back into print. Different from his usual fantasy stories, this book is about future U.S. internment camps for victims of a new strain of an AIDS-like virus. He says that the new version is altered from the original. "In my original manuscript and first publication there was quite a bit of swearing in it. I used the 'f-bomb' in that book on a couple of occasions; the only time in my writing career that I ever knowingly did that. My justification at the time was that 'real people in the real world' would speak that way. Later, when I had a chance to republish the book, I went back and removed all the 'f-bombs.' On a second reading I found that it got in the way of the message for me. While people 'in the real world' may not guard their speech so carefully, the book isn't about the 'real world.' The important thing is the story and the message, not the verisimilitude of the whole thing."

Hickman then pointed this out, "Being emotionally inarticulate doesn't get you anywhere. There's a difference between letting people know THAT you feel and letting them know HOW or WHAT you feel."

I’m still of the opinion that a well-placed, “sunnuva bitch” can carry a lot of weight. Much more than a, “darn it.” It’s shocking to put a swear word in the mouth of a character who rarely swears. Some of the more creative epithets can add a lot to a story. Like adverbs, passive voice, or any part of language, swearing is a tool. If you use it properly, it can add a lot to your story. If you don't, it shows as glaring overkill.

You can't please everyone, however. If you use swearing, you'll turn off those who don't like it. And if you don't use swearing, someone may notice and question the "realism" of your story.

To close my thoughts on swearing, I'd like to quote a wonderful blog post on swearing. I’ll let it speak for itself.

Mur Lafferty is an author and podcaster who recently released her first novel, Playing For Keeps. She Speaks Geek every month on SuicideGirls.com. Click HERE for more of Mur's musings.

Miss Truth Hurts is taking a mini break from the usual sex, relationship, and bitchy girl dilemmas that have been rolling in since this column started just a wee four months ago. In this month's posts, we're looking the recession beast in the eyes and saying, "Fuck you!" What follows... more

Miss Truth Hurts is taking a mini break from the usual sex, relationship, and bitchy girl dilemmas that have been rolling in since this column started just a wee four months ago. In this month's posts, we're looking the recession beast in the eyes and saying, "Fuck you!"

What follows are some tips on how to live in this economy - how to not get fired, how to cut down on expenses, how to rock out a champagne party on a beer budget, how to make Valentine's Day a cheap date, and more. Next month, we'll resume to our regularly scheduled programming of love, lust, relationships, and life enigmas.



Q: I'm on a major budget right now and Valentine's Day is coming up. Any suggestions for an inexpensive gift or cheap date ideas? I want to show my girl how much I love her but I don't want to come off cheap.

-Romantic in Rancho Cucamungo, CA

A: Valentine's Day is such a stupid manufactured holiday that even if you had the dough to spend, I would suggest this same thing for your gift and date. What melts a girl's heart more than anything are love letters and a home cooked meal by her man. Instead of going crazy buying crap she doesn't need, either make her a card and write something sweet or just write a love letter in lieu of the card. You don't have to be a poet, nor do you have to be a great cook. Throw together some colorful pasta with chopped vegetables of your choice, a little garlic and olive oil, or some linguini with a simple meat marinara sauce for a Bolognese. Serve with a green mixed salad with a light vinaigrette dressing, and a bottle of inexpensive wine from Trader Joe's (they have a great selection for $2.99 and $3.99) and you can do V-Day for under $20. Oh, and don't forget to set the table with candles. You can get cute candle holders and candles at the 99 Cent store, cute Valentine's Day decorations, and even a potted plant for a centerpiece. Voila! Valentine's Day on a budget.



Q: I am in the red because of credit card debt and need to find more ways to cut down on my expenses. I already got rid of a phone line so I only have my cell. I don't eat out. I hardly go to shows or movies. What else can I do to cut down a bit here and there?

-Poor in Pittsburgh

A: I actually wrote about this in my book, Cherry Bomb. When I was in the red before I got married, I did all of these things and they worked! Good luck.

1. Call your credit card company and ask for a lower rate. If you've paid your bills on time and been a cardholder for a decent amount of time, they will not want to lose your business.

2. If you haven't paid your bills on time and don't have good credit, talk to your bank about a consolidating any credit card debt or outstanding loans.

3. Take a good, hard look at all of your household bills –– phone, cable, insurance, etc. –– and shop around for better rates. If you're a homeowner, consolidating your homeowner's, earthquake or flood, and automobile insurance into one policy with one company can save you money. Try to combine your Internet/cable/phone plans.

4. Cancel your magazine and newspaper subscriptions and read them at work, at the doctor's office, or online.

5. Prescription meds: Ask your doctor if there is a cheaper medicine for whatever ails you. Why spend more on Ambien for sleeping problems when Tylenol PM or Advil PM might surprise you by working just as well?

6. Don't fear the 99 Cent stores! You can get everything from name brand foods to cool dinner place settings to candles as gifts for people to basic household items and more.

7. Only send your clothes to the dry cleaner if you really, truly have to. Most garments will do just fine with the Dryel sheets that you can buy at the grocery store. I have personally used them on Marc Jacobs tops, Miss Sixty hot pants, and even on a Vivienne Westwood skirt.



Q: I'm fearful of losing my job in this economy. What can I do to not get laid off?

-Fearful in Fairfield, CT

A: Try to make yourself indispensable at work. Learn something that helps the company that no on else knows. Or, take on a task that no one else wants to do, even if it's outside of your job duties. Don't get into any altercations with co-workers or higher ups. Show up early, stay late, and ask for extra work. I know that sucks, but if you really want job security, it's hard to fire an employee who goes above and beyond what is expected and who does it with a smile.



Q: I'm in a band and we're about to go out on our first tour, in a van. It's total low- budget. I need some tips on how to eat cheaply, but somewhat well, on the road.

-Starving Artists in Springfield

A: Say hello to singer Wil Francis of Aiden and William Control. He's about to hit the road in support of his debut solo album Hate Culture and he's teamed with Denny's for its Adopt-a-Band program, which picks a band to feed for free while they tour, and lets them have after-parties at the restaurants. Cool, huh? Other than that, here are Wil's tips for feeding yourself whilst on tour with your broke-as-fuck band:

Wil writes: "Aiden did their first few tours in a Ford F 250 truck with a canopy and a U-Haul trailer in tow. It belonged to our drummer's mother. We played for free virtually ever night, and would try and find someone gracious enough to let us sleep on their floor. To save money on food, we'd bring a cooler and pack it full of lunch meat, cheese, and assorted condiments. It would usually last about a week before everything went bad and the wretched smell would almost force us to wear gas masks while we drove down the highway. Once we started making enough to give ourselves five bucks a day to eat on -- that's when the sky opened up and we had arrived. Haha. Fast food is probably the cheapest, most filling thing you can get, as unhealthy as it is. When $5 is all you have to eat for the day, a 99 cent whopper doesn't sound so bad. I'm not advocating fast food by any means, but shit, if you play in a broke ass punk band, do you expect to eat caviar and drink champagne?



Carrie Borzillo-Vrenna is Suicide Girls' sex, love, and life advice columnist. She is an entertainment journalist, rock wife, and author of Cherry Bomb: The Ultimate Guide to Becoming a Better Flirt, a Tougher Chick, and a Hotter Girlfriend, and to Living Life Like a Rock Star and Eyewitness Nirvana: The Day-by-Day Chronicle.

Send your questions, dilemmas, and conundrums to misstruthhurts@suicidegirls.com. Alternatively, SG members can send a message via the site to MissTruthHurts.