Dear _____,

Dear CokeConfessional,

I know all about you and the shiraz.

What kind of slut do you take me for?

Eggplant Parm

Dear the Spotless Mind,

How do you think he hypnotized them first? With his thick mannish locks and his piano key scarf atop the wall? No, with that banana hammock.

Sincerely,

It's making my eyes hurt.

Dear person in the parking lot who was chatting for like 20 minutes while we were waiting for your spot, completely oblivious and/or annoyingly inconsiderate,

at least wave us by to indicate that you'll be a while. Or just pull the fuck out. Actually, too bad your dad didn't.

-pygmy McGrumperson

Dear Mallrats,


I know that I am super cool and that is why you loiter in my store all day and never buy anything. Im sure it has nothing to do with the fact that your parents dont love you and thats why they drop you off at the mall for 8 hours everyday.
But isnt there and episode of TRL or something you are missing?


p.s. tell mommy and daddy i am not their fucking baby sitter, however if they would like to pay me large sums of cash you can stand around in my store, probably shoplifting, all you want to.



your,

that cool chick from the movie store.

lylas and all that bullshit

Dear doggies,

Please stop eating my food when i go refill my drink. I work hard all day, and need food to keep going.

Sincerely,
Korben

Dear Friend Who Was in Town From Canada for a Week,

Thanks a lot for making an assload of plans with me, then not answering your cell phone and completely disappearing. Searching for you in New York City instead of hanging out with my friends was a blast. Really.

In Appreciation,
CokeConfessional

Dear Bigoted Capitalist Pig Dog,

You have been selected for a special work program. Please report to your nearest relocation center immediately.

With Fraternal Brotherhood,
Central Committee for De-Kulakization

Dear Eggplant Parmigiana,

It meant nothing!

CC

Dear CokeConfessional,


Dont you think we are moving a bit too fast. I mean you are rad and all but do we really need to bring the kids into this.


p.s flattery gets you everywhere in my world



butter me up,

XPXPX

Dear Communist Brother,

Learn to spell. Random 'z's don't make you cool.

Yours in Repression and Violence,
Facism

Dear XPXPX,

I do it all for the kids.

Do you mind if I use margerine instead of butter? It's all I've got in the fridge.

Filled With Starry-Eyed Sodium,
CC

Dear Liger,

You know you love the Hasselhoff Recursion! Admit it, you nasty, nasty girl

xoxo,
TSM

p.s. thanks in part to your profile pic, i'll be sending you the dry cleaning bill for these pants.

Dear Former College Roommates,

Thank you. While everyone in the world seemed to have a problem with their roommates, I had not one with any of you in four years. Thank you for not giving a fuck about what I did, and thanks for allowing me to reciprocate that insouciance. We had great conversations, wonderful times, and never felt the need to have one "talk" or "house meeting." Thanks for being sensible and elastic.

With reverence,

Pun

Dear Spotless,

Thanks for letting us all know that you're not so spotless anymore. I can give the name of a good cleaner in Oaktown, it will cost you only dolla fitty.

Thanks for the wanks,

Liger

Greetings Fascists, One, All,

Please know what you're talking about.

Yours while marching into the glorious future,
The Socialist Peoples of the World

Dear Not wanting to listen to political rants right now,

Who's forcing you to?

Signed,
Listening to Kerplunk

Dear English Dictionary:

If you want me to bear your name and stand as a firm proponent of your fine upstanding character, you have to stop this shit with the adding new retard-o words. I don't care how much a bunch of silly people love Harry Potter. "Muggle" is not a real English word, and should not be in the English Dictionary any more than arrivaderci or sombrero. I'm afraid that the next thing I know, I'm going to turn my back and all of a sudden brb and afk and omgrotfl will be "real English words." It's one thing to use them. It's another thing altogether to acknowledge them as words to be looked up and possibly used in essays by the kids I'll end up teaching some day. Don't give them justification. Please. For the sake of my sanity.

Forever yours, I trust,

_DictionaryGirl_

Dear _DictionaryGirl_

I think we should take up a collection and get you your own OED

Stephanie

Dear _DictionaryGirl_,

Thank you for saying what we were thinking.

Yours faithfully,
The Publishing Industry

Dear Communists, Just You,

No,

I refuse to have any clue as to what I'm discussing.

It's part of the doctrine,

In the handbook and all.

Signed,
Ignorant Facist Bastard

Dear Employer,

Did you know it's illegal to have me work a 9 hour shift with no lunch break? You should have probably thought of this before you decided that only one staff member should be on during the weekends.

Yours,
Exhausted.

Dear Turkey Hill Iced Tea,

My roommate brought you home from Pennsylvania, and you are so tasty, especially the Blueberry flavor. Please come to apartment A-9 and make babies with me.

Sincerely,
The girl who is replacing alcohol with tea

Dear Mamet,

Please just stop. You may love the girl, but the girl does not love you. She only pretends when her confidence is threatened. You make her feel good at those moments, so she clings to you. When she gets what she wants, she flees. You know this. Stop falling for it. You will only get your heart ripped out once again. Also note, this is supposed to be the "Silliness" forum, so keep it light, Buster.

Filled with obnoxious self-pity,

El Mamerino

[Edited on May 10, 2005 by mamet]

Dear Ripping your ears off,

I find that funny. I listen to Launchcast every once in a while, and when they talk about getting as many skips as you want, I find it funny. That's because my internet or something is broken, and I get to skip as many times as I want without paying.

Yours Forever,
Laughing at You.

Dear Ripping my ears off,

you know you can get an Ipod for like a hundred bucks,

right?

Signed,
Apple Guerilla Marketing Team