Dear _____,

The woman said "cunt". BOW DOWN.

Dear Unemployment,

of course I'm looking for a job. Just because I choose to spend most of my unemployment benifits on booze and hookers doesn't mean I don't deserve it.

Working hard,
Chris

Dear Customer standing behind me at the burrito store,
Please stop coughing on me. My OCD doesn't need any help.
Thanks
Bye.

Dear Uof L

im not paying you back. quit asking.

sincerely,
the jerk who broke the soda machine in the 2nd floor of the humanities building.

Dear Shera,

Your ass really doesn't look all that dirty. Please stop lying.

Yours Forever,

FridgeMagnet Esq.

P.S. I know that's the third time today I've used that line. I have limited material ok?

[Edited on May 10, 2005 by FridgeMagnet]

Dear Nevada Drivers~

The passing lane is there for passing. Get your Cadillac drivin', SUV lovin', too much tint to see the road or any other cars on it, use no blinkers, can't drive in the rain, cell phone yappin', moron asses over to the slow lane where you belong. Some of us need to get places.

Peace out.

P.S.- That is my finger and I will do more than wave it at you.

Dear Everyone on the Road,

You are in control of a half-ton of metal that is flying along at a mile a minute. Sudden changes in course can be extremely dangerous. Please use your motherfucking turn signal.

Thx,
D

Dear Best Friend,

If it weren't for me, that radio show would've never gotten off the ground. It would've been nice if you asked me to come to the dinner where they're trying to ressurect it. I suppose asking me for twenty bucks so you can go is about as close as I'll get.

Yours faithfully,
CokeConfessional

Dear liger,

Please tell me more about what you'd do with your finger other than waving it. Slowly.

On Pins and Needles,

FridgeMagnet

Woah, weird. Someone else mentioned turn signals as I was composing my letter.

Dear New Work Colleague,

Being uptight is not the new black.

That is all.

fpkk

Dear Housemates,

You don't clean, you don't hoover, you don't empty the bins, you don't clean the windows, you leave my just-finished washing on surfaces that are dirty because if i haven't cleaned them no one else will have. you blocked the shower. you flooded my room from the bathroom sink god knows how and you got pubic hair in a bath that no one has ever bathed in. you hide the wet tea towels in cupboards so they smell and you smear grease all over the cooker just after i cleaned it. you never top up the meters until we are out of gas/electricity for days, hoping i will do it first. you block my car in and disappear. you play football in the kitchen and break my plates. you leave blood in the downstairs toilet. what is wrong with you people?

i'm moving out next week and i'm sure as hell going to fuck all your shit before i leave, consider this warning.

try and prove i did anything, i dare you.
Bskyb

[Edited on May 10, 2005 by bskyb]

Dear ex girlfriend.

I would consider it a personal favour if you could find it in your heart to die in some form of agonising way. If you feel that is maybe asking a little too much, then some form of painful and disfiguring disease would also be acceptable.

Yours hopefully,

the_happy_pig

Dear Santa Claus,

I never got any fucking thing I wanted, you fucking bastard. You just let down little boys and girls worldwide. You know what? You're just one big fuckhead. You get kids to think if they're good, they'll get nice presents. No, instead you fucking give them socks and underwear. Who the fuck needs socks and underwear? My dresser is already bursting with them. Where the fuck was that fire engine I asked for? Or the new video game? You motherfucker. I know where you live, you sick fat bastard. I'm going to hunt you down, and make you pay for all the good little boys and girls you always let down.

Loading My Shotgun,
A depressed inner child.

Dear Suncoast customer,


No, I do not wanna give you my number or write yours down. Im sure your wife would not appreciate you hitting on the much younger employee. I am all about customer service but that does not mean you get a free blowjob with your copy of "Life Aquatic". Comments like "Damn, I bet you taste good, shorty", are not going to get me in the sack. And just because i work in a video store does not mean that when you compare me to some stupid actress I am instantly going to swoon. And who the hell reserves a copy of "sandlot 2 " anyway?

Oh and stop throwing those goddamn toothpicks from the free sample guy at YUMMY Japan on my floor you are fucking up my vacuum.


Now do you have a replay card?


mature is in the back of the store,
XPXPX

Dear workmans comp. doctor,

You are the worst doctor. fuck you.
that is all.

really in pain,
voodo0

Dear FridgeMagnet,

What I do with said finger is really a judgement call. It depends whether I am smiling, giving you a death ray stare, curling it into a fist, or giving you the international sign to grab your ankles.

For a peritnent example, please check your journal.

Corresponding with you has been a plasaure as always.

Sincerely,
Liger

Dear Moron working the Drive Thru,

No I didn’t order onion rings. No I didn’t ask for a Diet Coke. No I didn’t want mayo on my burger.

Thanks for effin up my lunch.

Yours truly,

Revelations

Dear Rebecca,

We were in 6th grade- I didnt know how to makeout. If i knew hot you'd end up being, I'd have made more of an effort. Please reconsider your engagement.

Waiting,
scrantonian

Dear Company President,

Thank you for having the foresight to hire an assistant who consistently undercuts me at every opportunity and seems to be gunning for my job. I didn't think things could be any harder when I had to keep the entire editorial department afloat on my own, but once again, you leave me breathless and amazed.

Jaw agape,
CokeConfessional

Someone actually said that?

I mean I bet you do, I just can't believe someone waould say that.

Dear liger,

I'm sure it has.

Pompously yours,

You know.

Oh yes a lovely gentleman decided to share that with me right before he put a copy of "the godfather" in the comedy section.

dear roomate's creepy ass boyfriend,

start paying rent or get out of here and take your shit with you. and put some goddamn clothes on while youre at it. what you probably think is going to happen by you parading around scantily-clad all the time is never, never, never going to happen.

sincerely,
ketamine.