Newsroom Extra: Everybody Poops...Now Breathe

Originally, I sought to write this piece because I wanted to harmonize my relationship with the porcelain Gods. One day, whilst evacuating, I noticed there was an inconsistency between the sounds that were coming out of one end, and the feeling in my lungs that I wasn't doing something right. Call it a poop hunch.

Funny thing is, it came right after a poop lunch.

But where in the world do you find out more information about such a thing?

Everyone (and I mean everyone!), has had trouble at one time or another running a safe and secure number two. And by trouble I politely refer to the time you clogged the commode at your future in-law's cottage or when you ran out of TP at the strip club. But enough about silly anecdotes. How would one go about further exploring such a topic? A doctor's office? Acupuncturist? The guy who rents out the port-a-potty?

Nah, in this case, we'll first seek out the knowledge we need from the great and all-powerful equalizer, the Internet. Since many of us are too guarded to discuss this topic even with health professionals, let's piece together a smattering of advice from the web and see where we go from there.

I initially sought the sanguine advice of the great Internet poop machine - Google. Now Google itself sounds like a term you might use in the bathroom but that's neither here nor there. So I Googled poop. Or did I poop on Google? This bathroom humor is terrible.

The first place I landed was in a bodybuilder forum. Perfect. If anyone in the world should know about explicit muscle, air passage and motor control, it'll be the genetic freaks of Mr. Olympia. These gals and guys don't put a drop of bad stuff in their bodies without knowing the 5 w's and an h about competitively managing their competition weight and image.

And because we all tend to be poop-challenged sometimes, I needed to know how these bodybuilders did it. With respect to muscle mastery and sheer wisdom, a person with 4% body fat probably knows the ins and outs of the intricacies of bowel clearing. Although you and I do this every morning, it seems to me that effective waste management could be realized by engaging with those who know their anatomy best.

So I log on to the BodyBuilding.com discussion forum and find the most relevant section to post in: "Exercises". I post a topic called "How do you breathe while pooping?." I waited a day, expecting hundreds, if not thousands of eager replies rooted in wisdom and scholarly advice. Nope. Banned and the topic was deleted. Ouch!

This might be tougher than I thought. The 'net was seemingly a bust.

Fine, I'll shift gears and put my journalist hat on. I head down to Dr. Bernstein's Diet Clinics in a swaggish part of town and seek the knowledge of the five medical professionals hovering behind the desk there. Having helped "hundreds of thousands of people lose millions of pounds," surely they must be familiar with the topic. I'm greeted with a few chuckles and then a stern "We can't help you with that!"

Where do I go now? Do I just call the editor and report back to the SuicideGirls.com BOARDS that my mission to link bathrooms to brains was a bust? ...Wait...the library!

I hit the downtown branch and explain to the information scientist there that I'm researching a story on effective evacuation and breathing. We look up "bowel movement" in the library terminal. Zero hits. "Gastrointestinal System" garners a few titles so they direct me to a section cluttered with medical texts and little else. Finally, I do end up spotting something out of the corner of my eye. "The Idiot's Guide To Digestive Health" by Dustin Garth James.

Now I am neither an "idiot" nor at any way reflective of the nice middle-aged lady on the cover of this book eating strawberries so I cringe and am deflated again at how little information there is in the public sphere concerning the right and wrong ways to inhale and exhale during a trip to the potty. I look up breathing in the book and nary a sentence on proper oxygen flow and management. There's something about bacteria and breath tests for bowel disease but that's not the angle I'm looking for.

One more chance. There's got to be someone, somewhere who can explain this bathroom mess to me.

So I drop $20 on a palm reading and go to a psychic. Before he takes a look at my palm and manages to pinpoint my family background and five other things he never could have possibly known, I say to this spiritual guide that I am a reporter researching a story on bowel movements and cleansing. And you know what? He had the answers.

Turns out, as we get older our natural body movements change from the days we just pooped our nappy and ran with it. We had to learn how to sit on a toilet and from then on out, our bodies grew accustomed to that position. Even the squat toilets overseas are more natural for the human waste system than the standard thrones here.
According to the psychic...

"It's about what you're putting into your body. It depends on why you're putting it in, and how much you're putting in. For instance, if you're working out, and you want to be healthier, you fast for three days with just water and celery. That's a detox."

So that will cleanse the pipes, but how about the breathing?

"Other's don't know the answers and that's why they don't want to talk about it. As you're evacuating your bowels, there is a breathing exercise. Ouija breathing. Basically, as you're waiting and sitting there and you feel like you might be having a hard time, you have to breathe all the way in and you've got to press on your tummy a little bit."

"When people grunt when they do this, they're doing it the wrong way. In other countries they don't have the regular bathroom we have, they have a hole in the ground like in Turkish countries or India. In some places, your feet go up. That, you have to breathe with. You're sitting and your legs are up in a squatting position so what they do is breathe in and out as if they were giving birth. I'd rather stick to the pressing."

"We breathe for the seven chakras...these are energies in the body. When we do yoga, they expand and dilate. This happens with ouija breathing. You take a deep breath hold it in for three seconds and then let go. But to calm my body and soul, it's not just about breathing, it's about meditation as well. "

There's something to be said for people who live the yoga life. They are wonderfully wise. While the tantric lifestyle has been booming for decades now, it's not just athletes, wealthy baby boomers and eligible cougars in hot stretch pants who could benefit from new knowledge. We could all learn a lesson in adequate morning constitutionals if we were to open up the discussion about pooping to include the benefits of correct posture, breathing and the right and wrong ways to effectively and positively defecate.

More than reading a morning paper or consuming a favorite espresso drink, the business of staying regular doesn't involve NYSE numbers, fashion blogs or Internet message board politics.

Our bathroom habits are but our most cherished moments of privacy and sanctity. Unless you're living in a safe house or stuck with a military latrine, time spent in the can is away from the glaring spotlight of the judgment of others, surveillance cameras, social media, interactive television and even our own self-depreciating selves. Sitting (or squatting!) in the throne room is where we get the day's routine done. It's time we all did this correctly.

We came, we saw, we shit.

Reported for spamming. Just because you can't hack it in CE doesn't mean silliness will have anymore tolerance than they do for your idiocy.

Actually can someone else report this, my phone doesn't want to size the flag comment screen right.

With respect please stop following me around and telling me what I can and cannot post on SuicideGirls.com. The section is entitled silliness and you have followed me from another group to harass me and creep my profile.

I have resigned from your group and posted a notice as such here... http://suicidegirls.com/boards/Silliness/367260/ ... Please respect the rights of members to have a safe and enjoyable membership here.

tl;dr

Sallen regularly posts in both Silliness and Current Events. He is not "following you around." Cut the martyr crap.

I agreed to resign from your suicidal forum. I have reported Sallen to management for harassing me and abusing my right to post original work here in these forums entitled "Silliness" where I have adhered to all posting guidelines. Please, I have resigned from your forum and earlier agreed not to discuss your drug of choice in that forum. Can you not show an iota of respect for me and please stop baiting me? I just want to enjoy my membership here without the influence of cruel online stalkers and their champions.

Just stop. We've had enough. It's over.

Reported for spamming.

No. CE is not "my forum." I spend more time here. And marijuana is not my "drug of choice," ffs, as i've told you several times.

And I don't feign respect that I don't have. That would be dishonest. You are a troll and I don't respect you.

wow, dude, not exactly trying to fit in, are you?

I resigned from their forum out of fear for my safety from their messages of hate, bullying and stalking. If fitting in means allowing this type of Internet harassment to continue, than I think we need a new definition of fitting in.

I have the right to contribute here and have the right to a safe environment free from harassment and bullying.

I like kitties.

Great, so now you are physically threatening me or what?

Paranoia can be such a bitch.
Have you checked under the bed for SG mods? Just in case? You can never be too careful.

Lolcats=/=physical threats. You need some help, dude.

That has me puzzled, too.

I'm not sure any more of what is a threat here, what is outright stalking and what should be reported to the management. MissyMalice, you won't stop harassing me. It seems to be an obsession to drag the contents of another board, which I have resigned from, onto here.

I don't know how to perceive your constant harassment. You certainly are an expert bully.

Bully? You must have me confused with someone else.

Also, which contents from CE have I so much as mentioned? No, sweetie, that was you. *pats on head* I know. It can be really confusing. You'll get it eventually.

dude, I'm an outsider here in these forums...... and no one's threatening you.

if you feel threatened by a lolcat...... well, we've all be threatened. it's the lolpocalypse.

If I had used the words hun, honey, or anything derogatory you would be crying gender oppression.

Grow up and act like an adult.

I have been threatened and harassed in posts extending to earlier work posted in a forum I have now resigned from out of fear. I simply request the right to have a safe and enjoyable membership free from harassment and stalking.

If you want people to take you seriously when you claim you've been "threatened," it would probably be in your best interest to not refer to a lolcat as a physical threat. Sweetie.

We're going to have to agree to disagree.

We have a winner!

+1

I dont think the forums are for you ExAddict. Maybe you should take a step back and observe for a bit before you make posts. Youve made three threads already, neither of which are silly.

Maybe the groups are more your thing. They can be pretty specific ininterests.

This place can get pretty nasty if the regulars dont like you. I know from experience.