Silliness writes the great American novel...

"You can call me Betty!" he said. He wasn't sure why that came out, it just seemed somehow fitting. "I can be your bodyguard!" "Why the fuck would I need a newb like you for a bodyguard?" asked Al.

Rudy startled at a racket behind him. Half-turning, he saw a roly-poly bat-faced girl pinballing off the maternity nurses, hurtling down the hall, spilling scalpels, vials, and the occasional placenta. Her face was twisted with fury. She stretched a hand toward his face, his throat, the knife he now realized she held questing for him. Before he could retreat, he felt a flicker of movement over his shoulder, and the bat-faced girl sprouted a filigree of blood from her eye. She fell.

"Fucking newb. Guess I'll have to be your bodyguard now." Al looked disgusted.

Finally the nurses turned off the Paul Simon.

Al never forgave Rudie for the fact that instead of impaling him and slowly roasting him over an open fire, as was her preferred method of dealing with newbs, she was suddenly obliged to be his protector. With a grimace on her bat-face, she pulled him close to her body and squeezed him tight. "As much as it pisses me off," she said, "I will never let you go." Suddenly a meteor appeared hurtling towards the earth, but instead of colliding with the planet and instantly incinerating all forms of life, Al deftly peeled a layer of latex from her chest to reveal two laser boobs, charged and at the ready. She aimed them toward the meteor and fired.

Pew Pew Pew

The meteor exploded into a shower of rose petals and butterflies, which fluttered harmlessly to the ground.

"So, Betty," Al said, "what do you think you are here for?" - "Here?" Rudie asked. She made an encompassing gesture with her hand. "This world! This mortal coil! What is your mission in life?"

Rudie stared at Al's boobs, so lusciously rounded, the metal spouts of her implanted laser guns ever so slightly protruding from the soft flesh where the nipples would have been. There was the faintest thread of smoke twirling upward from the muzzles. His face lit up. "Blow shit up," he exclaimed enthusiastically. Al smiled. "That's my boy!"

Shit got blown up.

Countess Lardessa stood scowling at her transchronostic viewer. The screen shimmered and occasionally spiraled into a blast of static, but she could make out a familiar frame. "Al..." she murmured. It had been a while. Quite awhile. Still, while not exactly thrilled to see her archnemesis, she couldn't exactly say she was disappointed. In fact she rather looked forward to their next meeting.

The next day, they met; for the first time, for the last time.

"You are far too trusting, Countessa," Al said smugly. "You may fire when ready, Carlo."

As Rudie looked on in envy, the Countessa looked on in horror, and Eliza looked on with indifference, Carlo squeezed Al's boobs. The massive laser blast issued forth from her massive tits, and obliterated the world.


The End.

(New rule: I'm the only one allowed to say "The End". )

Then again, in a parallel universe...

EPISODE II - THE SEARCH FOR MORE MONEY

Rudie awoke with a start. "Servant Boy!! What was that noise"?
"That, sir", replied the servant "was the sound of yet another reality getting obliterated by laser-firing tits".
"Not this shit AGAIN!" grumbled Rudie, for this was the 88th time this had happened in the last 4 months.

CUE OPENING CREDITS

Am anfang der HERR Ceiling Cat bildete die Himmel und die Erde.

Am 6. Tag bildete er Al Suicide.

Dann musste Ceiling Cat stillstehen.

It was important for Ceiling Cat to rest, because the eighth day would bring the hardest task of all: to create the word 'erschuf'.

But unknowingly was about to cause great stress to the english speaking people everywhere, but what would you expect from a visagoth?

Goddamn visigoths. They sure did get Lardessa's blood boiling.

So Lardessa moved to Rome;............whoops.

If she can move in time, her foe has laser-firing tits, and she's her own son's sister, then yes, she can move to Rome. Or perhaps the Visigoths came to her.

When Lardessa arrived at Rome she saw a city that had been nearly destroyed. Houses and buildings burned to the ground, statuary toppled over, citizens gazing hopelessly at the devastation. She also saw what appeared to be soldiers roaming among the streets - all with black hair, black clothes, black mascara and eyeliner.
"It is the Visigoths", she murmured.
She asked one of the locals (his name was phrogg) where she might find the Emperor.
"You speakin' of he what were the Emperor, or he what's in charge of this benighted place now? As to the former, he done vamoosed. The latter, he settin' up there in the Palace of Minerva." He waved his webbed hand in the direction of a stately building up the via.
Lardessa covered the distance in three bounds, anxious to find out what had happened. She strode resolutely up the 39 steps to the entrance. A large door slowly opened, and a voice echoed from the dim interior.
"You have reached the palace of my Lord Alaric, King of the Goths, but in order to come into his presence you must go through me."
A tall woman stepped through the doorway, in black armour, but with shimmering yellow hair. Standing before her was... FLUX."

Sad to see this epic languish. Just getting to the good part!

Lardessa knew her only chance to beat Flux was to act immediately. She jumped, somersaulted, and was about to grip her opponent's head with her thighs. But Flux was fast. She dodged the attack and got a hold of Lardessa's dress, which ripped. Soon the two women were battling naked and heavily sweating amidst an increasingly demolished palace.

"Damn it," Flux exclaimed. "I haven't been this turned on in eons." - "Me neither," Lardessa replied.

They paused the combat for a few moments and gazed into each others' eyes, the silence broken only by the sound of their heavy breathing. Lardessa felt the blood rising from her throat to her face as she peered deeply into Flux' endless eyes. their faces moved closer, their lips almost touched, Lardessa felt her heart beating faster and felt lightheaded. Then Flux gut-punched her and sent her toppling down 13 of the Temple's 39 steps. At this moment the Great King Alaric, flanked by two naked Vestal Virgins, stepped out onto the platform and said menacingly...

"I jizzed in my pants!"

...at which the two Virgins, as if by command, removed the King's pants and began to wash them in Minerva's Fountain.
"Well aren't we a sight?" laughed Alaric. "Ho, Lardessa! I heard rumor of your arrival!"
Lardessa climbed to her feet and started back up the steps, shooting a hostile yet sexually charged glance at Flux. "Who could possibly have known to tell you?"
"It was a woman who is apparently from that group that has recently formed here in Rome. I believe they are called nuns? She was rather attractive, but had odd breasts."
"Al!" hissed Lardessa. "So she also has the ability of time travel! Well, tarnation!"

u guise!