texts from last night

(862):

found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

(989):

i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.

ha!... area code where i currently live...

I noticed that you location was near my home town before you changed it to “I'm lost.” I'm from about 20 miles south of that city.

(508):

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

Outstanding!

(319):

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316):

Toaster

(440): Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.

(912):It's not kidnapping if it's romantic

(818): he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
(323): i love that song!
(818): NOT THE POINT

(214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

(203): Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

(413): i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.

(802):

he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...

Dude!

(214):
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.

... i don't understand. 802 is the area code for the entire state on vermont. i have never once met a homophobe in vt.

(330):
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.


(330):
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes


(330):
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...


(330):
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?


(330):
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?



Just a few from the lovely area of ohio I have been exiled to.

From my area code:

(321): I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.

From my area code:

(303):
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.

(303):
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

(303):
I couldn't tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up

Bahahahaha

(480):

I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"

(480):

he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him

(401):
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

(662):

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662):

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

(717):

Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.

(763):

i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina

(410):

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301):

I accept this challenge.

(989):

dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

(602):

The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.

(513):
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage

(334)

Did you drink yourself into the Flu?