texts from last night

I did a search for this, but it's a huge collection of drunken/high/whatever texts that the people have sent; some of them are absolutely hilarious and i'm probably guilty of having sent a few similar ones

textsfromlastnight.com

(678): did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
(404): did it work?
(678): nope

(419): I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.

(312): You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
(384): How come?
(312): Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message

(310): dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
(323): no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
(310): oh, so thats why my junks red.
(323): wow. cant help you there...

(773): Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?

(415): Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.

That site amuses me to no end. And like half the texts are from Michigan (all the 248, 586, 313, 810, 989). That amuses me even more.


I'm kinda surprised none of my texts have ever ended up there. I'm pretty amusing, especially taken out of context. So if you ever see a 646... it could be me.

Damn it! Don't show me sites like that! Now I'm not going to anything done today.

^^^I know, i've wasted a hell of a lot of time reading over them, some of them actually make me laugh out loud

Haha

*calls*

LMAO

(805): she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu

(805): Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
(1-805): Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.

(805): i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?

(843): plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.

(708): Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.

Hahaha!

540): just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south

/facepalm

(402): lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
(1-402): IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

This.

513): what's Bukake?
(1-513): a bad idea.

Bwahahaha!

*btw, I'm having too much fun with this site*

^ I like this one!

(850): I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."

(480): The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag

(978): i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

ha ha ha

Guy code says it's okay to cry in a movie about a man and his dog...IF something happens to the dog at the end.

^ The book is far better than the movie.

(440): We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.

(440): oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?

(216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
(440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
(216): Holy shit r u serious? How?
(440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

(440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"


this is whats happening in my neighborhood

Hahaa. Thanks for sharing this!

Guy code now allows me to strip you of your man points.

My area code sucks.

(724): Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.

i do that when i cant sleep.

(919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.