Any Quote From Any Show

he just gave me blue tubes.

And so he says to me, he says, “You want to be a baaaaad guy?!” and I say, “Yeah, baby! I want to be bad!” I says, “Surf's up, Space Ponies! I'm making gravy without the lumps!” Ah ha ha ha ha haaaaa!
And he says to me, he says to me, “You got style, baby! But if you're gonna to be a real villain, you gotta get a gimmick!” And so I go, I says, “Yeah, baby! A gimmick, that's it! High explosives!” Ah ha ha ha ha ha!
Yeah! Keep playing with fire, superpants! You don't know how much fire you're playing with! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!
So he says to me, “You gotta do something smart, baby! Something big!” He says, “You want to be a super-villain, right?!” And I go, “Yeah, baby, yeah! Yeah! What do I gotta do?!” He says, “You got bombs! Blow up the Comet Club! It's packed with super-heroes! You'll go down in super-villain history!” And I go, “Yeah, baby! 'Cause I'm the Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight!” Ah ha ha ha ha ha!
And so he says to me, “You got legs, baby! You're everywhere! You're all over the place!” Yeah!
Hi! I just, uh, I just, uh, wanted to use, the, uh, -- and so he says, “Evil's okay in my book! What about yours?!” And I go, “Yeah, baby, yeah! Yeah!” -- I just wanted to, uh, wash my hands.
Oh, that's just, uh – Boom, baby, boom! I'm the Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight!
Eat my smoke, copper! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
An object at rest, cannot be stopped!
Excuse me...excuse me...and then I says, “Tell me I'm wrong!” And he says, “I can't, baby, 'cause you're not!”
This could happen to you, baby! This could happen to anybody!
And so he says, “I don't like the cut of your jib!” And I go, I says, “It's the only jib I got, baby!”
Yeah, baby!
Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Sixty seconds till midnight! Sixty seconds to nowhere, baby! You have all become victims of the Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs...Hey! Pay attention!
Yeah, baby! And you've only got twenty seconds before you all...eat ceiling!
Yeah, baby! Oh, yeah!
You'll never prove a thing, copper, I'm just a part time electrician -- Bad is good, baby! Down with government!
One of these days...Milkshake! Boom!

Mac: "The Church doesn't give money, it takes it. Then you go to heaven. Now Kneel...
Charlie: "This is a scam!"

I've declared war on the moon! Too long the moon has hung unmonitored and unprotected in the sky! It has gained an ENORMOUS tactical advantage!
There is no one living there.
Then's it's CLEARLY time to ACT! They won't suspect a thing!
Who won't suspect a thing?
Moonites!

Try to see past what she is, and on to what she can be.
What's that, sir?
Freedom, is what.
*points* I meant, what's that?
Oh. Yeah, just step around that. I think somethin' must've been livin' in here.

There exists in this world a spider the size of a dinner plate, a foot wide if you include the legs. It’s called the Goliath Bird-Eating Spider, or the “Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider” by those who have actually seen one.

It doesn’t eat only birds, it mostly eats rats and insects, but they still call it the “Bird-Eating Spider” because the fact that it can eat a bird is the most important thing you need to know about it. If you run across one of these things, like in your closet or crawling out of your bowl of soup, the first thing somebody will say is, “Watch it, man, that thing can eat a goddamned bird.”

I don’t know how they catch the birds. I know the Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider can’t fly because if it could, it would have a different name entirely.

We would call it “sir” because it would be the dominant species on the planet. None of us would leave the house unless a Goliath Fucking Flying Bird-Eating Spider said it was okay.

Mal: "We're not gonna die. We can't die, Bendis. You know why? Because we are so...very...pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die."

Pootie Tang will draw you a picture of how he gonna kick your ass, then mail it to you ten days in advance. The picture gets there right? You're goin', "What the hell is this?" and then Pootie Tang knocks on your door, Promptly kicks your ass and you still won't know what happened to you!

"The Lord of Light wants his enemies burned. The Drowned God wants them drowned. Why are all the gods such vicious cunts? Where is the god of tits and wine?"

It's my kid.
Which one?
The crazy one.
Which one?
*sigh* Yeah, I know.

Have you heard of this new sect, the Christians? They are a laugh riot! First of all, they are so poor...
How poor are they?
Thank you! They are so poor... that they only have *one* God! But we Romans are rich. We've got a lot of gods. We've got a god for everything. The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that's coming quickly.

Have you ever had... an Egyptian Feast?

This is a good death. There's no shame in this. In a man's death; a man who has done fine works. In making a better world. All of them. Better worlds.

From the book, but they also added it to the show:

Bran: “Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?”

Ned: "That is the only time a man can be brave".

"While my brother is a Fruedian, I am a Jungian, so there'll be no blaming mother today!"

Rimmer: What’s that smell? Has there been a fire in here?
Lister: Just a small one. I put it out with me beer.
Rimmer: For goodness sake, Lister, that’s terrible!
Lister: Don’t panic, I’ve got another one.
Rimmer: Lister, we have health and safety protocols for a reason: to safeguard the crew.
Lister: What crew? The original crew? They all got wiped out remember?
Rimmer: Exactly.
Lister: By you.
Rimmer: ...Exactly!
Lister: When you didn't fix that drive plate properly, and that radiation leak fried them to a crisp.
Rimmer: ......Exactly!

Be smart then.
Let me tell you something. There are other things than smart.
Yeah. Those are NOT smart.

Blackadder: This is the Jane Harrington?
Percy: Yes.
Blackadder: Jane "Bury Me in a Y-Shaped Coffin" Harrington?
Percy: I think there may be two Jane Harringtons —
Blackadder: No, no... Tall, blonde, elegant.?
Percy: Yes, that's her.
Blackadder: Goes like a privy door when the plague's in town? Come on, get on with your shot. You'll get over her.
[pause]
I did.
[another pause]
So did Baldrick, actually.

It's been decided that you will be dressed as a priest to get away in the pandemonium afterwards. Chunjin will give you a two-piece Soviet Army's sniper's rifle that fits nicely into a special bag. There's a spotlight booth that won't be in use. It's up under the roof on the 8th Avenue side of the Garden. You will have absolutely clear, protected shooting. You are to shoot the Presidential nominee through the head. And Johnny will rise gallantly to his feet and lift Ben Arthur's body in his arms, stand in front of the microphones and begin to speak. The speech is short, but it's the most rousing speech I've ever read. It's been worked on here and in Russia on and off for over eight years. I shall force someone to take the body away from him. And Johnny will leave those microphones and those cameras with blood all over him, fighting off anyone who tries to help him, defending America even if it means his own death, rallying a nation of television-viewers into hysteria to sweep us up into the White House with powers that will make martial law seem like anarchy. Now this is very important. I want the nominee to be dead about two minutes after he begins his acceptance speech, depending on his reading time under pressure. You are to hit him right at the point that he finishes the phrase, "nor would I ask of any fellow American in defense of his freedom that which I would not gladly give myself - my life before my liberty." Is that absolutely clear?

I know you will never entirely comprehend this, Raymond, but you must believe I did not know it would be you. I served them. I fought for them. I'm on the point of winning for them the greatest foothold they would ever have in this country. And they paid me back by taking your soul away from you. I told them to build me an assassin. I wanted a killer from a world filled with killers and they chose you because they thought it would bind me closer to them. [She places the sides of his face in her outstretched hands.] But now, we have come almost to the end. One last step. And then when I take power, they will be pulled down and ground into dirt for what they did to you. And what they did in so contemptuously under-estimating me.

If you're right, I'll make you rich. If you're wrong, I'll make you into shoes.

This time....I didn't forget the gravy......

It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken.

When I need to correct Joseph, I tell him he's adopted.

(I'd make a great father.)

You don't need a criminal lawyer. You need a criminal lawyer.