Plisskens' Shit Food Review: Wendy's Spicy Baconator

Today I awoke with a hunger burning deep inside me, powerful and angry. But it wasn't for Wild Turkey like usual. This morning I heard The Call of the Bacon, and I knew only one thing could tame it. The Wendy's Spicy Baconator. And before I knew what hit me I was doling out my $6.69 for a culinary adventure equivalent to a coke and Old Granddad fueled weekend in Tijuana.

First Impressions

I knew I was doomed from the start when the pre-pay soda exchange left my hand stickier than Pee Wee Hermans' circa 1991. This was not a good omen. And neither was the cryptic message on my cup of ice Dr. Pepper.


"Today's salads didn't exist yesterday."

Such bold wordplay simply drips with Asian mysticism and bold complexities not seen since William Butler Yeats. Very strange for a nationwide conglomerate, and as such I can only assume it's addition was to fuck with stoners. Well-played Mr. Ad-man, well-played.

The Reveal

I used to love you Wendy. I thought we had a special bond, an understanding most fat guys and restaurant chains don't. I'd cough up a little more dough for you than the others and for that you'd always be hot and fresh. But over the years you've gotten greasier and colder, a shadow of your former self. Your lettuce is wilted, your buns are misshapen, and your fries are soggy. I don't know how to say this, so I'll just say it. It's over Wendy.



Just look at that poor thing all squashed and smushed. It's just like my 3rd grade dreams of being a ninja. And what the hell is that orange stuff on the wrapper? According to the website it's Chipotle Ranch sauce. And while I have no doubt that this is correct, I still have a strong aversion to eating anything the same color as Christina Aguileras' fake tan.

The Mastication

This burger is like the punji stick trap I dug in my yard when the neighbor kids wouldn't stop playing there. Benign from the outside, yet secretly loaded with peril. Fortunately the similarities stop there as the danger presented within the burger is not feces smeared bamboo spears, but a hidden nugget of pure jalapeno death. I got five in one bite. My mouth burns like Paris Hiltons' crotch. Thank god for this shot glass of Dr. Pepper and the packet of salt.

Overall Impressions

As a whole this gustatory outing was more disappointing than Episode I. I was prepared for the Lando Calrissian of fast food burgers and instead got the Jar Jar Binks. For shame Wendy, for shame. If anyone needs me I'll be putting a roll of TP in the freezer.

I give the Wendy's Spicy Baconator

4/10 flushes


SnakePlissken has been a master of the pan flute for over fourty years.

Thank you for this. $6.69??? That would have been a hefty loss.
Don't you find it puzzling that they didn't put that mystical "not existing yesterday" statement on their burgers?

You know, I keep seeing these commercials, and I keep convincing myself that though it looks appetizing, it is Wendy's and they've never been a favorite of mine.

Watch out! There's peril between those buns!

ewwwwwww.....

Yeah, I'd recommend it to one group of people only. Pregnant women with hippy boyfriends who "like, really wish they could experience the pain of childbirth".

That thing looks awful...like afterbirth on a bun. One placenta value meal, please.

I would have brought that up to the counter and gotten my money back.

Good lord Wendy. I used to see her in those upscale places with a suit on her arm. Yesterday she was on the drag, 3am, short skirt. She drove off with some former subprime loan shark in a Suburban...

Snake, are your hands GIGANTIC or is it like the size of a WhiteCastle ?

That "burger" is huge. Snake must be a descendant of Paul Bunyon.

Well, I was going to try one, but not anymore.

Oh, hell, I still am. Wendy, why do you do this to me?

My hands are gigantic. Below is a reference.

Fast food just isn't worth it.

hi.

I think he mentioned in the last episode that his hands were enormous.

My question is, assuming the rest of his body follows suit, size-wise, was that whole thing like two and a half bites?

Andre is that you ?!?

It was, I think, about five bites.

Update:

Ohhhhhhhh Nooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Johhny Cash is no longer available!

do a vegetarian one next!!

i wanna see you diss food i eat!

Thanks for affirming my decision not to eat fast food and rotting flesh!

Wendy's loves to load jalapenos on their burgers. All you can really taste is jalapeno...with some grease on bread.

The day Snake starts eating vegetarian food is the day I start drinking milk instead of whiskey.

you spelled 'forty' wrong.