The soft core porn 10+ commandments...

1. Thou shall not show penetration.

2. Thou shalt not do anything even remotely worth watching. Except maybe kissing. Kissing is hot.

3. Thou shalt not show "money shots".

4. Thou shall play the cheesiest background "music" possible

5. Thou shalt have awesome plots that everyone ignores.

8. Thou shalt be shown upon Skinimax after the witching hour.

10. Thou shall never be any fucking up the butt

11. Thou shall feature a pizza delivery person because everyone knows that is where all the hot people get jobs

12. If it's too early to order pizza, you may substitute the pool boy.

13. Thou shalt cover all females with strategically placed bubbles during any bath scene.

14. Thou shall be suitable for viewing among weary travelers staying in popular hotel chains.

14. Thou shalt make tellyfodder for 14 year old girls to enjoy while eating ben and jerry's with their friends

15.Thou shalt have a picnic scene, with windblown hair, flowers, and bad poetry.

16. Thou shall be badly dubbed with inappropriate and unsexy accents.

17. Thine men shalt wear sports jackets without shirts underneath.

I'm going to do this for my plane trip on Saturday.

18. Thou shalt always include the melodious pan flute in thy soundtrack. Coo coo cooo dooo.

19. Thine stars must have ridiculous names along the lines of "Buster Hymen" "Jessica Juggs" or "Rock Hardman".

20. Thou shall feature the most unattractive men and the most plastic women you can find

21. Thou shalt have at least one shot focusing on lit candles and/or rose petals, while the crappy sex is completely out of focus.

22. Thou shalt have sound that does not match the "actors" mouths at least once in the movie

23. Thou shalt have the following line spoken: "What happened to the stolen jewels?"

24. Thou shalt force women, who are mortal enemies, to kiss, and make up.