Things Not To Do To Your Woman

~Hide her month's supply of birth control pills in 28 different places.

~Call her up from work and tell her you wanna do it doggy-style when you're both home from work. Then bring a Great Dane home with you.

~ Tell her that her sister lets you fuck her in the ass.

~ Refer to jher mouth as a jiz recepticle.

~ Call her at work and ask to speak to "that fucking cunt".

~Hold up a decapitated bald eagle

Don't let her see the thread you posted in that shows you've thought of these things before.

~ Use her pictures for advertising prostitution services on Craigslist.

~ Use her favorite shirts to clean the engine of your car.

dont let your dog fart on her.

How her ass really looks in those pants.

Yeah, but can I hit her dick with a dick?

Really? So far this has to be the most disappointing.

Wait until she's asleep and rub peanut butter on her butt. That helps the jam stick better

Ok numbers 1 and 3 I agree with, but number two is just good fun. If I can't rub jam on my woman's butt while she's asleep, then she isn't the woman for me.

Great, because I just love hitting women's dicks with my dick

Oh, even if she doesn't really like it? This is good info to know. So how do you feel about jam on your butt while you're sleeping? *wiggles eyebrows*

Don't try to fully understand her gender, just go with it!

Shave your pubes, then place it all on the bedside table. Then get your girl to blow you off. As you come across her face, grab all the loose pubic hair, throw it so that it sticks to your girl's face, and then point and yell "Monkeyface!"

Girls don't like that for some reason...

Gamble Her naughty bits in a High Stakes Winner-Takes-All Thumbwar

girls are so wierd

Wouldn't this be more of a Weiner-Takes-All Thumb War?

(I'll be here all night, folks.)

Don't piss her off in any way, at any time, pretty much covers it.

Don't fuck her in the nostril to see it your load will come out of her ear. It will, but she'll end up looking silly with one stretched-out nostril.

If she says "I bought myself a strap on today, now let's try it the other way!", do not refuse, if you want sex again.

Fair's fair and all that.

Greezer, I wondered why there were so many women walking around with uneven nostrils!

Use her shoes for dog toys.
Buy expensive cars when she's out of town.
Notice when she passes gas.
Tell her she looks really great "for her age".
Even think about being right.

Don't secretly use fake blood when going down on her, it will scare the shit out of her... literally. That night left me laughing for days and single for months.