lack of attraction

I think the advice was very helpful, Thank you for helping me out. But as for me I must get ready for our night out. I will see you guys around the boards later.

or thai food or chiese even for that matter. They are all pretty healthy

Does she ever talk about wanting to lose the weight? If so, that's the right time to offer to help her excercise. Talk to her, work out a schedule- even taking walks twice a week, to begin with- and start right away. But wait until she brings it up.

If she is happy with her weight and her self-image, however, then it might be a bit more difficult to breach the subject without feelings being hurt.

don't take her to a buffet

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

I AM KIDDING PEOPLE!!!

[Edited on Mar 17, 2006 by thorr74]

This is off-topic...but why are you convinced that men, as a species, are nothing more than bumbling morons who couldn't possibly handle discussing sensitive topics with women without fucking it up?

Do you think there's any particular reason why she seems to have gained so much weight?

Whenever I am happy and positive, or doing something constructive with my life, keeping my weight in check is usually not a problem. When I put on weight, it's usually because something in my life just isn't right. I don't realise, until after the problem's fixed and the weight is gone, how depressed about a certain issue I really was.

I do have a friend who is bullemic. On the outside she seems bubbly, but she hides emotional stuff away from everyone until it just errupts in one big bullemic episode. It's a way of gaining control, just as putting on weight is a possible sign of losing control of your life.

If she is this kind of emotionally precarious type then this might be a clue. In which case execrise and diet alone won't help (although obviously it's good to get those in check anyway). If there's been any major change in her life recently (be it obvious or more subtle to the casual onlooker), then this also might be a cause.

When I gained weight my boyfriend talked me through my concerns, gave me the support to face them, and only then, when I was feeling more secure in my life, went on an exercise and diet plan with me. For my specific circumstances, that was the best way to go about it.

But of course evrybody is different and that's just my experience

[Edited on Mar 19, 2006 by Flinty]

I'm glad that a lot of people aren't attacking the OP with self-righteous rants. Yay for this site.

Being healthier yourself might encourage to follow suit. I think the most important thing is to, like Granny said, find out if the weight gain is the result of an underlying problem. Show your concern for her and willingness to help and, obviously, steer her away from negativity which will probably just hinder any progress she could make.

I said (slight paraphrase), "This topic is a mindfield for men." That remains true.

Yes...but you followed with:

I don't think you are shallow at all or being picky. Picky is when you look at a hot chick and say, "she's not hot enough" because she doesn't look like a supermodel.

If you love her as much as you say you do, then you should gently work with her on the weight, not because of how it makes her look, but because it will make her feel better about herself, and potentially live longer.


Good luck.

Where did I say, "we're bumbling morons who couldn't possibly handle discussing sensitive topics with women without fucking it up?"

Al said:

StGabriel said:
Ya see what I mean about our society? A guy can gain weight and get by on personality. A woman gains weight ands its game over I'm not attracted to you. I'm sorry but I don't think its right that this exisits in our culture, I may come off as being cold towards the question but I'm really tired of this thought.
Go with what you think is right just be gentle about it. If you break her heart over a weight problem, I hope they make a movie about you becoming a woman and gaining 100 for a day.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

It'll star Rob Schneider just so you know
It'll sell better then Titanic I tell you what

I'm outta here

I bet if the OP had put on the equivalent amount of weight his girlfriend wouldn't be attracted to him, either. If I had a boyfriend who put on a bunch of weight I wouldn't still be attracted to him based on his personality alone. The OP isn't saying a woman will never be attractive if she's got some extra pounds. He's saying he isn't attracted to his girlfriend now that she's very overweight.

I probably wouldn't be attracted to her either.

[Edited on Mar 19, 2006 by Al]

Thank you Al, that it pretty much how I see it. I certainly understand the point of STGABRIEL in saying that there are different (generally unfair) standards regarding women as far as body image, but it is impossible to obviate the physical aspects of attraction.
I have some male friends who have brilliant personalities, amazing humor, great wardrobes and kind hearts, but I'm not attracted to them because they have penises. Superficial me.
I also take umbrage to the intimation that just because someone is attracted to slim females that they are simply "programmed by the media", and as soon as fashion magazines start portraying larger women as beautiful, anyone with a skinny girlfriend will suddenly start fantasizing about badunkadunk, surreptitiously slipping large amounts of lard into her diet...
While media portrayals of beauty standard DO have a large effect on collective desire, it is reductionistic to say this is why all men who have 'skinny' girlfriends are attracted to them....I guess I'm tired of having my girlfriends called "anorexic", when they eat just as much as the next person, albeit more healthily, and not to satisfy things other than hunger.
I wouldn't be attracted to an anorexic person OR someone who overeats.

You said it when you said that "no matter how good our intention is, just the mention of your lady's weight and we'll fuck it up". Unless I am missing something...you are saying there is no way that a man can discuss a woman's weight without, as you so eloquently put it, "fucking it up".

Did you say "We are all stupid and could never, ever...without fail discuss ANY sensitive topic with a woman without fucking it up....ever....never period"? No, you didn't say that...but you're subscribing to the belief that we're just guys and don't know how to handle sensitive issues when dealing with women. You're symbolically shrugging your shoulders and saying "Ionno...I'm just a guy"

Back to the food thing. Do you guys prepared food at home for work or do you generally go out?

Restaurant food, even if labeled "healthy" generally isn't too healthy. And if she's eating Jack in the Box every lunch, you got at least some of the problem right there.

But moving around is really important. I assume she has a job where she sits in a chair all day (most of us do). Using breaks to walk around the block a couple times and stretch out can do a lot of good, even if you don't ever hit the gym.

Also, look at her mother. Is her mother really big? If so, your hope that she return to some acceptable weight may not be worth holding out.

I've only been referring to this one topic and I've stated so. You continue to infer I meant all subjects.

In fact, I'm not "just a guy".

"I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up linked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!

I’m new wave, but I’m old school and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time I’m radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin the wave, dodgin the bullet and pushin the envelope. I’m on-point, on-task, on-message and off drugs. I’ve got no need for coke and speed. I've got no urge to binge and purge. I’m in-the-moment, on-the-edge, over-the-top and under-the-radar. A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps and run victory laps. I’m a totally ongoing big-foot, slam-dunk, rainmaker with a pro-active outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial!

I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can’t shut me up. You can’t dumb me down because I’m tireless and I’m wireless, I’m an alpha male on beta-blockers.

I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid-back but fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home, low-rent, high-maintenance. Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built-to-last! I’m a hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk head case pretty maturely post-traumatic and I’ve got a love-child that sends me hate mail.

But, I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing-- a supportive, bonding, nurturing primary care-giver. My output is down, but my income is up. I took a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash-flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds and I watch trash sports! I’m gender specific, capital intensive, user-friendly and lactose intolerant.

I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the “F” word in my emails and the software on my hard-drive is hardcore--no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini-mall; I bought a mini-van at a mega-store. I eat fast-food in the slow lane. I’m toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear and I come in all sizes. A fully-equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically- formulated medical miracle. I’ve been pre-wash, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed and, I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean! Cocked, locked and ready-to-rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide. I’ve got glide in my stride. Drivin and movin, sailin and spinin, jiving and groovin, wailin and winnin. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time. I’m hangin in, there ain’t no doubt and I’m hangin tough, over and out!"

I apologize in advance for the out-of-context post above. I couldn't resist since Cash and I are being pedantic.

[Edited on Mar 20, 2006 by Paul9000]

StGabriel:

You seriously think that a guy can undergo significant weight gain (say, a hundred pounds, or more if you are going to make the weight gain proportional to initial weight) and "get by on personality"? That would have to be one hell of a personality. You have to keep in mind that we are talking about a lot of weight here, not just a couple of pounds or even twenty or thirty. Do you seriously maintain that you would be just as attracted to a someone who went from curvy to completely obese? If you do, your mechanisms of attraction are very different from mine.

Man...you picked a strong comedian. Unfortunately...you picked his weakest material to date.

There's a lot o good advice in here. Just make sure you start talking and communicating with her before you start taking her to a string of healthy/sushi places.

~Trilo~

I have recently gained some weight and I look and feel awful. I just really noticed it last week when I weighed myself. I have gained about 10 pounds since last November. I have am really busy with school this semester and I don't have much time to work out. I have even tried diet pills but they make my stomach hurt. I don't feel like having sex with my boyfriend at all. We had great sex last week before all of this started and now I just don't want to at all. I just want to sit at home and cry. I am working out but I have a lack of patience and I want to loose weight fast. I weigh the more now than I have since we have been together for a year and 8 months and I am worried that he will realize how gross I am and dump me. I feel horrible.