Dealing with a break up

Hi there, been a member for a while but not particularly active up to now. Time to change things

I need some advice maybe from someone who has been through a similar thing. I'm too good at making irrational decisions which are usually completely wrong.

I split up with my long term girlfriend about a month ago (10 years, engaged, the works). She said she wasn't happy and left. I asked if it was someone else and she said no. I have since spent the last month beating myself up and blaming my own complacence and stupidity for the whole thing.

Now we get to the advice bit. All I have wanted for the last month is to have her back. I have been really nice about the whole thing, moved out of the flat we were renting (I am now paying 2 lots of rent), am now living somewhere a lot worse with 2 people I have nothing in common with. I have seen her a few times when I have picked stuff up at the flat and she refuses to talk, says she wants to be "friends" but its too soon and is generally as cold as possible towards me. On the flipside she is quite happy for me to keep paying rent, phone bill, broadband etc on the flat.

I really am at a loss as to what to do. Am I being an idiot by being nice about the thing and generally living in hope of reconciliation? What makes things harder is that since I moved to where I was living I had been happy going to work, coming back, going for drinks with her and her friends and didn't really make an effort with my own life. Now she has left I'm pretty much alone which has made things even harder to deal with. It all pretty much sucks right now.

Do not give her any money. Do not be a doormat. Being a friend is NOT the same thing as being taken advantage of.

She may come back, she may not. But there is no reason you should be payign for it in the mean time.

listen to the pretty blonde girl^. Stop paying for anything that your ex benefits from.

i have no personal experience with a break-up after a multi-year relationship, but I can only imagine your pain and yes, grief.

10 years with someone is longer than most marriages last these days. In many States over here you would be considered to have a common law marriage (given the length of your time together), and she could sue for alimony!

I think it would be gentlemanly to offer her assistance during a LIMITED transition time. That way you are not a dick for cuttiung her off and not a doormat for paying indefinitely.

As for you, dear sir, it is critical that you take care of yourself and immediately replace some of the time you spent with her doing something healthy. Join a fitness club, or do some volunteer work - especially this close to the holidays. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss of the relationship but don't succumb to the temptation of self-pity and self-flagellation. (THis is why volunteering and seeing people with REAL problems can be helpful.

good luck

Listen to FridgeMagnate. Why would you even dream of continuing to pay for those things? She's probably laughing about it with her friends. Girls are mean like that.

If your name isn't on the lease... bail on rent. Change utilities to just her name and move on. If you get back together, that's grand. But until then she broke it off with you... there are concequences to that decision. One is you're a wreck. Another is she's got to start carrying her own weight financially.

By the way, you aren't getting back together with her, and you can't be "just friends" with someone you still have feelings for. So forget all that shit.

Sing it brother!

Hurt her. Make her feel the pain you feel.

You won't have to pay her bills from prison.

buy a bottle of bourbon, watch swingers 50 times, or until it makes sense/bourbons gone, find your buddies and go get dumb for a while, its unhealthy, immature and pointless, so it's perfect. and stop paying the rent.

Notice a theme here? I very much understand your pain. It goes away regardless what you may think right now. Even if it takes awhile for the pain to go away it's better to be miserable with money than be to miserable and broke. TRUST ME....

I'm in the same boat as you, brother, although my woman paid all the bills and was basically my suga-momma for the past year and a half. (And no, she didn't break up with me for being a lazy ass, I'm in school.)

I feel your pain and your loss. Hang in there, time will heal all. You gotta get out of your place and meet some people somehow. Being alone is the WORST thing you can do right now. The more time you have to sit there and think about things, the worse its going to be.

As for the bills, I'd say that it would be fair to pay for any utilities/cable/phone used while you were present, but you can't pay for anything you're not using. Don't let her take advantage of you!!!!

Disclaimer: I was kidding. Revenge is a horrible thing. It really can consume a person. Loosing more of yourself to the person who hurt you.

The other advice given sounds good though. Stop paying her bills. Move on. Go to some SGUK functions.

Um .....yeah

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

MOstly what Fridgemagnet said .... Oh and of Course the pretty blonde girl^^ ,

but hey , nothing gets you over the last one like the next one. Or so I've heard something like that.

Good luck with all that

chainlink said:


Um .....yeah

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

MOstly what Fridgemagnet said .... Oh and of Course the pretty blonde girl^^ ,

but hey , nothing gets you over the last one like the next one. Or so I've heard something like that.

Good luck with all that

I believe it's "the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone" this was passed on to me by afemale friend, during her breakup.

what they said^^^

and... DO NOT FUCK HER.

it will only justify her using your bank account.

^ best answer so far (among other good answers).

just get the hell out of that mindset by any means possible. hang out with your friends. get tanked. yell at a tree, then kick it, then yell at the doctor while he's patching your foot up. do everything you wanted to do but couldn't do while you were with her. and stop paying the rent.

Wow!....The first thing you need to remember is that it does take TWO to tango...you may have done something wrong, but she is not gulitless either.

The other thing is that you can not let yourself be a door mat for her to walk over and abuse. No matter what you have done in your past alone or together you are both independant human beings with you own feelings and thoughts. You need to respect hers AND she needs to respect yours. You paying for her bills is DEFINENTLY not showing or giving you the repect you deserve!

Sorry to go off! LOL! I hope this helps a little! If you need anything or want talk you can always email me at dharmanavy@yahoo.com, Scott

HAHAHA. I love it.

yea I second {hick-up sip}the whiskey motion. As far as the rent goes, you gottsta look out for the dude in the mirror if you can afford it then maybe 1 month of help to feel better. p.s. titty bars and so good bros. it helped me!

yea I second {hick-up sip}the whiskey motion. As far as the rent goes, you gottsta look out for the dude in the mirror if you can afford it then maybe 1 month of help to feel better. p.s. titty bars and so good bros. it helped me!

I agree with all of the above. Don't get used - it is a horrible feeling and financially draining. Sounds like she isn't worth the trouble - if you moved out, stop paying rent, change the utils. Don't be mean about it - don't just stop paying and let them get cut off - give her a week or so to do it properly without being a douche about it.

chop off her head.

bury her in the desert.

Okay- no more money. If you show her you are all alone without her-and that you're a doormat, you have a not a chance of getting her back in my opinion....
Simply because to a chick that shit ain't hot at least to me...

I too have experienced the 'taken for granted' dumpage. It was the worst and best thing that ever happened to me. Worst because the *reason* for my complacence was because the girl in question was *so* perfect for me. Everything just clicked between us from day one but I hadn't had any experience of a relationship that wasn't like that, it was only my 2nd serious relationship.

I hold my hands up now. I dropped the ball. I stopped making her feel special. I just assumed this is what life was supposed to be like.

However.

What she did (fucked someone else and broke up their marriage and did this kind of on again off again thing with me also) as a "retaliation" for it was unacceptable. Particularly as the major problem was that I didn't have any clue that retaliation was even necessary.

The sensible, mature, adult thing to have done would be to talk to me about it. To say she didn't feel she turned me on, that our sex life was becoming tedious, that she didn't get the impression I cared whether she was about or not. I don't actually know if I could have found an answer to that at the time. I think we probably would have still split up because I had no idea what it would be like to have had this amazing love and then not to have it any more.

I've dated a lot more people since... a *lot* but I've never really approached that again. Nearly but not quite. The fact is though I've appreciated the nearlies, shamefully, far more than I appreciated the thing itself towards the end. That's my bad.

But what she did was unacceptable. She put herself in a place where, if I have any self-respect at all, reconciliation is virtually impossible. I can never trust her again. I can't even look at her. She let me know she was unhappy by stabbing me in the back and being a total bitch. That's her bad.

I know you're not in exactly the same position but the fact is that it's highly possible, probable even, that this isn't meant to go any further. You need to stop paying for the things you're paying for. If she's any kind of woman she'd rather know that you love her in some way other than you paying for shit. That just makes you look like you don't know what else to do about the situation.

If you really have been complacent and taking her for granted then you either need to find, somehow, the way to put your cards on the table and try to save the thing that doesn't infringe on anyone's individuality. (People are people if some girl was paying half my rent and bills and dripping around like that meant I *owed* her something when the problem was emotional not financial I would resent her for making my own hurt *more difficult* to deal with so I guess that could be how she feels too.) Or, and this is a real option, you could just draw a line under it. Learning to value what you have is a hard lesson, it takes time and has many subtleties. Maybe this is the time for you to learn that and not to be in a relationship until you have.

Good luck.