questions about open relationships...

ok, Im going to be pretty candid about all of this...
my girlfriend and I have been going out for over 3 years. About a few months ago, she started to have really bad problems with her libido. We have not had sex in about 3 months.
She feels really bad about this, but she wants to stay together. As do I.
Today we talked about having an open relationship... basically me having an open relationship.
She wants no one physically, and Iwould be allowed to explore a bit.

Ive never had anything like that. How do I even do it. How do I meet girls and say "hello I have a girlfriend, wanna do it anyway?"

I agree wholeheartedly with the latter part of this statement. It's absolutely true; as much as we would like to believe that physical attraction isn't necessarily as important as compatibility in all other cerebral aspects, blah, blah, blah, the truth of the matter is, if you're not sexually attracted to your partner, the relationship really can't survive, nor should it. A half-life relationship isn't worth salvaging. Trust me.

Why not just try to find out what has occured to the libido? I mean very often when a person loose some sex drive it may be medical or some sort of emotional stress.... (not always) BUt has she had a check up let her doctor know what's wrong?

And is sex that important to you? Is she still cuddly? is she going to have an issue with you having sex with other girls? Is sex worth possibily destroing your relationship with her?

Just because she feels bad that she isn't interested in Sex, dosen't mean that she is going to be ok with an open relationship when the reality sets in.

One of the realities of an " open relationship " is that you are having a " relationship " with someone else too. Even if it's just sexual.

If everything goes perfect, you wind up with two open relationships. One that is emotional and one that is physical in your case I guess. Thats some serious maintenience and lots 'o baggage my friend.

If you really care about your now gf you should be uber understanding and seek help to find an eventual reason for her problem like Kaziklu said .

Or ya may find out that it's just you that she doesn't wanna have sex with and that she's already been having an " open relationship " just not with you. LOL , I hope not for ya . but I don't think that entering into the " open relationship " because one person doesn't feel like having sex anymore is a good idea if your lookin for weigh in's. Do it cause ya both want more sex maybe. Do it for fun , do it for passion , do it together . If ya can't share your sex with your partner ... well ... hum ...

Basically, this dream offer will likely be a nightmare. She may care enough for you to offer you a way to express your libido when she is unwilling or unable, but in that situation, your significant other might not feel so significant if you're deriving time spent with her to woo another woman.

If you really care about this girl, you'd do best to just take an honest look at the relationship. If the current lack of sexual synchronicity is permanent, alleviating your sexual ardor with someone else is not going to solve the problematic relationship you already have... it will just make it all the more complicated.

The better bet would be to give her some time to figure out where this decrease in libido has come, let her know that you care about her and her needs, and that when she figures it out, you'll be there to listen and help if you can. In the meantime, learn to jerk off more, because your girl is likely offering this compromise out of guilt, and rarely are good decisions formed from guilt. She'll likely resent it later on if you act on her offer.

Three years into a monogamous relationship is not really the ideal time to explore polyamory/polyfidelity, dude.

a dating relationship can exist without sex (believe it or not ppl!). it just has to be a-okay with all memebers involved.

obviously it is not okay with you, tho for whatever reason it is okay with your girl. therefore things aren't okay.

using open relationships as a backup plan for lack of action in the bedroom between the two main teams (you and her) is only going to lead to trouble dude! you might not think of it now but a heart tends to wonder where a person's eyes and genitals go...

in my mind you have two options:
stay with your girl and live with the lack of sex. find out what is wrong with the lack of sex drive in your girl (stress, feeling un-sexy, medical issues) and try to deal with it and/or fix it (if it can be fixed). if it can't be fixed then you have to make your decision whether you would like to continue in the relationship, without sex, or break up and see other people. and DON'T for whatever reason ever guilt trip her into sex or have her do it to you. and don't ever let her use the "but i said you could sleep with other ppl!" as an excuse! (i'm breaking girls secrets here bigtime!) IT'S A TRICK. she's testing you to see if you'll jump at the chance to leave her or if you really do care about her and are willing to stay around even if she can't/won't fullfill your needs in bed.

and secound option is to part ways right now. if she is truely ill or something and has a real reason for not wanting/having sex then you'll look sorta like an ass, but hey, life aint fair. but if she's pulling a fast one on you and has (as suggested before) started this "open relationship" thing before you then you'll only seem all the wiser in the end.

your call dude.
g'luck!

Please!! Contribute!!!

Have you looked at you favorite movie and your most recent journal entry?
no one is going to think you are any more crazy then they do already for having a favorite movie that involves James Spader feeding Maggie Gyllianyandjadfahjafhalasdgfalkj(I can't spell her last name) hay while wearing a saddle on top of a office desk.

[Edited on Nov 25, 2005 by Kaziklu]

opps my bad I've only seen it once.. and well it was kinda a distractingly hot... but I'm a tad crazy..

ok problem is, is that I have tried to help her find out what her problems are. Ive been very very supportive of her during this period. but she wont go get help. even when I did all the research, got her a number to call an make an appt, she wont call. Shes told me that she just cant do it, she cant see someone until she feels ready. however, she feels like shes not being fair to me and offered the open relationship deal. Im actually less for that than she is.

Im actually trying to stay with her, and Ive offered her that I will stay with her during her problems. But she is the one who feels pressured just because she feels shes being unfair to me. I admit that I have pressured her, but not into trying to have sex, but to find out whats wrong with her... for her.

Five years ago my wife and I decided on an open marriage. It was for a myraid of reasons and, like Alukh, I won't go into it all here. The difference betw. this and your situation is: 1. We'd been married for 15 years and our devotion and commitment are strong on many different levels. 2. We had had a lot of time (15yrs) to do relationship work and inner work to keep our heads and hearts straight about it.

It's a risky business, and I don't casually recommend it for anyone unless they're willing to stay for the whole ride. But all relationships are risky...duh... So far it's worked for us, but like anything, it's a day at a time.

I strongly disagree with those who said opening a relationship is a death sentence for the primary relationship. That's simplistic. It may end up like that, but it certainly doesn't have to.

Are your sure she's not trying to test you someway?Maybe she'sa bit insecure and want to see how much is sex important for you? dunno.

Well then you have to decide which is more important to you.. her or sex. and let her know that.. and then set the boundries and not worry about sex for get about it.. Mastubate on your own time. but just love her emotionally and don't bring sex up until she is ready.. in the end it's all ou can do if you want to stay with her.

You know, you could always just stay faithful to her.

I would try and get to the root of the problem concerning her libido, in the meantime making good use of your hand. If you can't or don't want to do that, then it might be best to move on and find an entirely new girlfriend. Trying to juggle your emotional relationship with her and a physical relationship with another woman wil most likely end very badly.

This situation scares me a little... but here's my input anyway:

1. It's great that you're supporting her in trying to find help with her issue, but remember not to push too hard. Speaking from personal experience, when someone has pushd too hard, it usually made me feel less understood and more frustrated.

2. I don't believe she really understands what she's offering you. She feels bad for having to put you through this, so she's reaching for straws. She may be doing this out of guilt, so that does not necessarily mean that she's really okay with it.

3. I'm quite new to the idea of open relationships, but I've recently (within the past year) met many who do practice open relationships. The one thing that I've observed is that those who are in successful open relationships are in it together. There is a lot of open communication, trust, and love. For example, if one partner became interested in another person, nothing would happen unless the other partner approved. Personally, I could never be in an open relationship. I'm too insecure.

I don't know either you or your girl, but maybe this open relationship thing isn't really the answer to what you're going through. If you want to be with your girlfriend, help her, tell her you're committed to her and want her to get better. If you're not willing to wait for her, then get out now. Take care of yourself and let her take care of herself. There'd be no use in you two staying together if neither of you are happy.

Just my two cents.

Very true. Both partnes have to be fully OK with it, willing to negotiate, secure in their commitment. Excuse me for saying so, but it can be more difficult for "younger" people, though many exceptions.

Since you don't have any experiences with open relationships I would recommend picking up the book "Ethical Slut". It breaks down some of the social impacts of having multiple relationships, and addresses communication. At the very least it will give you something to talk about with your partner to negotiate what she will need to feel safe. Since it sounds like she is already unhappy as a result of other issues within her life, and you want to be suppportive but still get your needs met, making her feel safe within an open relationship is critical.

maybe i was just a very mature girl but my FIRST relationship was open and it helped me explore others with the confort of a loving BF there beside me. i don't think i would have discovered my love for girls had it not been an open relationship.
i think all those qualities that you mentioned are definatly ones ppl need to have but i don't think that age nessicarily has to do anything with it. it's just a maturaty thing (which granted usually comes with age).

just make sure that you continue to not pressure sex cuz if it's a a self image thing that's not getting her into the mood then that wont help. DO however, no matter what the cause may be, incourage her and give her many complements. tell her what she really means to you and be honest with your feelings and such.

again, g'luck!